Ex is talking to another guy, how should I act?

[Aguardiente83]

Me and my ex broke up about two weeks ago and she is already talking to another guy, they've hung out once and they've talked on the phone a couple of times. He told her that he liked her and she just said OK (so she says) you guys have to understand that we are still really good friends and she tells me that I come first, that if any other guy is not ok with her talking or hanging out with me they can go to hell.we were together for three years. Anyways, i hung out with her yesterday and that when we started talking about him. I asked her if she atracted to him phisically and she said yes and then I asked her "whats so special about him" and she stayed quiet for a while and then said "your the first person to ask me that and i really don't know, i think nothing, i think just because he's different" Besides that yesterday we were flirting and everything and she said she just wants to see whats out there and that we'll probably be together soon.

She also decided that she was going to go see that guy that night to talk to him to ask him what his intentions were and to tell him what she was all about. so she went and they alked and she told him that she didn't want to be in a relationship that she just wanted to be friends and that she doesn't want to rush anything. She's still going to hang out with this guy and I know she's flirting with him and there's a pretty big chance that they'll hook up, and while all that is going on she hanging out with me too and flirting with me and stuff. How should I act? I feel that I should just be a good friend and let her do what she wants, if she ends up dating this guy, what can I do, i guess I'll just stick by her and show her that I can be a good friend and want her to be happy. The whole reason we broke up in the first place was because I didn't let her talk or hang out with any guy friends, i have so many mixed feeling, i want to stay her friend and see what happens cuz she says that theres always the chance that she can realize that she made a mistake and come back to me but then i don't want to be alive on the day she tells me that she kissed that guy or that she's dating him, what do you guys think.

[HoldOn]

Well, I think this is the reason that ex's can't be friends.

 

You can't stop her from doing this stuff, she's not your property forever. Doesn't she have the right to date whoever she wants?

 

If you really want her back, I think you should stop talking to her and do "No contact," Like everyone is always talking about. When you talk to her it has two consequences:

1.) You feel sh*ty cuz she's talking about other guys. 2.) She feels great cuz she knows she can hurt your feelings like this and you still care.

 

You're broken up now and it's time to move on.

[Ty]

>NO CONTACT< it works. Your just going to torture yourself if you talk to her. So don't call, nothing. Want to make her think a little bit.? Next time she calls act like your not sad, and blow her off. Just be like "I was just out the door, I'll give you a call sometime" and then get your ass out the door and do something to take your mind off this girl. Next time she calls, and she will, don't answer. Its like playing hard to get. People want what they can't have. Besides that, your just causing yourself grief. She seems like a really good girl and all, but your not together any more. If you blow her off or stop answering calls she will stop and think... wow he must not care anymore, and that will drive her nuts. You acting like you care so much about this new guy just boosts her ego, and she knows she can have you back anytime she wants. "Oh if this new guy doesn't work out I'll always have Aguardiente83 waiting right there for me." Take that girl off her pedastal. If she thinks you are not right there waiting on you anymore, she might think twice about seeing this new guy.. Your the man! start acting like it..

 

Work out, work on other stuff (school, job, etc), be with friends.. Try to get your mind off it.

[Ty]

If she thinks you are not right there waiting on you anymore, she might think twice about seeing this new guy

 

Mean't to be... if she thinks you are not right there waiting on her anymore, she might think twice about seeing this new guy.

[Aguardiente83]

Thanks alot for the advice, i think i'm gonna try a kind of no contact thing. I never call her or anything anyways, but she calls me atleast twice a day, I can't always be busy though, cuz thats messed up and If i'm truly her friend I think I have to talk to her atleast some times but I'm gonna try extremely hard not to talk about her relationship with this guy or anything, i'll just talk to her about everyday stuff, but she ssaid she would tell if anything ever happened with this guy, if she kissed him or decided to date him, what should I say if that day comes?? should I tell her my true feeling or just act as if nothing and let her be?? And what about hanging out with her cuz she still wants to see me and this sunday is her birthday and she wants to hang out with me saturday night!

[HoldOn]

If i'm truly her friend I think I have to talk to her atleast some times

 

I think you want to be more than her "friend". If you want to be with her, you'll have to be less available. Now she doesn't have to buy the milk, because she is getting the milk for free. If you know what I mean. She's getting everything she wants from you, and you're not getting what you want. That's no friendship.

 

i'll just talk to her about everyday stuff,

 

Be reasonable. Do you really think that will work? You'll say "Wow, class was hard today" She'll say, "Oh, I had a great time becuase I met a new guy at class today" Of course, it won't be that obvious. But, you know what I mean. It won't work.

 

I'm not saying that she is a bad person. But you are allowing her to treat you with less respect than you want or deserve. Now you have to wake her up and not be at her beck and call.

 

 

I can't always be busy though

 

Why not? Can't you get a second job, or learn a new skill, go out with your friends. When you are in a bf/gf relationship with a person, of course you have to be available to them. But when you are not, your OWN life comes first always. Please respect yourself now and get busy with your own life.

 

She can't realize you are gone, until you are.

[Aguardiente83]

I understand what your saying but if i distance myself that much then she'll feel free to go out with any guy cuz I'm not in the picture and if i do talk to her then atleast I'm there. Plus, even if she starts dating a guy she says I'll be first and that she's still gonna talk to me every day and hang out with me and stuff and what guy is going to be ok with that, most likely the guy that she's dating is gonna be like "i don;t like you hanging out with your ex, whats the point of it" and she'll forget about him cuz thats the reason she wanted to be independant, she didn't want anybody telling her what to do.

[mixwell]

You should listen to other people man ! Just dont even play into it.. Act too busy or don't answer her calls sometime.. Trust us you might think she is forgetting about you but honestly it will make her think about you more.. My mom and family and everyone told me to do this when my ex chick broke up with me but I didnt listen.. I was like i dont want to do that she is going to forget about me. Im reality it would have been the best thing to do, and once I did start doing that all the sudden my ex called me !! I used to call her like everyday and then i just stopped.. Then the calls came in.. this is the way to go man !! No matter what she says she is just justifying her actions..

 

She says she wants to see whats out there and you will get back together most likely ?? Think about what she is saying.. here let me translate it for you " I want to be able to go out and hook up with guys, and If I dont like it then I will have you as a backup plan so I am giving you hope so you will still be there waiting" Thats not fair!! Would you be ok with it if your ex said I want to go out and screw a couple guys to make sure I like you better ?? Thats BS... Dont be her security blanket !! have some respect man !!! Now that I am at my point I could kick myself in the ass for being there soo much for my ex !!

 

Basically I stood by her while she was seeing how things are going with her new b/f.. Now where am i at ?? Just now moving on after 5 months !!! Its not worth it !! Also girls lie, not matter what you say she is just saying things to make it not seem as bad !! my ex denied going out with this guy for the longest time and made all kinds of excuses on why we couldnt hang out or be together.. People will lie and do whatever it takes so they can do what they want.. Im just saying watch out and dont beleive everything your ex tells you !!

 

You said you cant always be busy ? When your ex calls you can be busy though

 

Take care and just try not to be soo available to her !! it will work in your favor !! Trust us all we have been there before !!

 

Peace

[HoldOn]

Plus, even if she starts dating a guy she says I'll be first and that she's still gonna talk to me every day and hang out with me and stuff

 

"Oh please perfect woman, please toss me the crumbs of your love life, because I can't live without you!" Come on, man, respect yourself..

 

 

You guys have broken up for a reason. Please take exactly 5 minutes and think of some reasons why maybe you shouldn't be together anyway. imagine your life without this drama and imagine yourself dating other people. How freeing will that be!

[mixwell]

Personally HoldOn I think is new to this whole thing.. I remember being in the same situation with him and it sucks.. I just honestly wish he would listen to us (though I doubt it) No one could have told me this advice when I was at that point. I just wouldn't listen and I did what I wanted to which only made things worse.. I honestly wish you would listen to us man !! You will realize it later.. Like I said too, dont beleive everything your ex tells you !! She will lie to you to make matters seem better !!

 

Take it easy !!

[HoldOn]

Personally HoldOn I think is new to this whole thing..

 

Well, you are wrong. What makes you say this anyway? I was dating a guy for FOUR years after we first broke up. Accepting crumbs from him. He would disappear every couple months and then come back to me. I never thought about dating other guys, even though he probably was dating others. Because I was soooo in love with him.

 

Don't you think it would be good for him to realize that this girl is not all there is in the world?

 

I am saying that he is taking crumbs from her table, when he wants to be sitting at it. If he wants to be sitting at the table with her, he has to stop taking crumbs!

 

Perhaps you think I am new to this thing, because I am not coddling him? I am just trying to WAKE him up. I wish more people had told me not to accept less than I am worth.

[mixwell]

I was assuming that he was because his posts are exactly what I thought when my breakup was new thats all.. I totally agree with you. He shouldn't be second best and take the little she gives him. I think we all do though. I admit I take the little my ex gives me ( like calling me every now and then) Its just a false hope we get I guess. I would love to be at that table though because I am F ing hungry and the crumbs arent filling me up !! haha.. I also agree that he is worth more than that.. Everyone is. Love sucks !! I swear !! haha.

 

Take it easy.

[HoldOn]

I would love to be at that table though because I am F ing hungry and the crumbs arent filling me up !! haha..

 

 

Mmmm, Crumbs.... (homer drooling)

 

 

Perhaps you should sit at someone else's table??

[Ty]

"Oh please perfect woman, please toss me the crumbs of your love life, because I can't live without you!" Come on, man, respect yourself..

 

no diggity.. my ex broke up with me for independence also.. if your available to her then she isn't really experiencing independence is she?? Let that chick go, don't take crumbs, your not little her little lapdog are you? Move on don't talk to that girl anymore, it sounds like she has some issues she needs to deal with and you being there talking with her is only going to delay her realizing anything, also you are just going to put yourself through hell talking to her.. and she is already talking to another guy when she wanted independence? don't be jealous, don't even think about that other guy.. out of sight out of mind. move on and find someone a bit more mature.

[BrotherAaron]

If you're upset that you're ex is talking to another guy... well get used to it. You're broken up, and she's not going to do it halfway. I learned the lesson the hard way. I tried to be her friend. She met new guys that she "didn't really like that much, I guess"... and then she kissed them. Why? Because they were somebody new. Because she could. That's all there is too it. Now she's dating a guy that wasn't that great to begin with, at least not when she told me about him. She's not going to tell you how great a guy is.

 

You say you don't want to be alive when she tells you that she hooked up with some other dude, and, trust me, you don't. So, how can you avoid being alive when she tells you that? Don't talk to her. She wont tell you that. If you talk to her, it will come down to that eventually. Even if she doesn't offer it up, you'll find a way to get her to tell you just to spite yourself. You'll want to know why she didn't answer your phone call on Friday night, or call you all day Saturday, and she'll be extremely vague. You'll start suspecting she was with that guy she met, and you'll start pressing her about it. She won't want to tell you anything about it, but your persistence will make her blurt out that she kissed him. At that moment, you will feel like you want to die.

 

Well that's sorta how it happened to me anyway. Luckily, that was enough for me to realize that I needed to walk away and cut my losses. Hanging out with her was never like hanging out with a friend. It always ended in me getting mad. I would get mad if she wasn't affectionate enough. If she was affectionate, however, I'd still get mad, because she wouldn't profess her undying love and tell me that she wanted to get back together, and I'd find myself wondering what she was all affectionate about.

 

Why would you put yourself through that? She can't miss you if you don't go away. If you give her what she needs without getting what you need then she's going to take it and walk all over you in the process. Don't stop being her friend, and don't tell her that you're trying not to talk to her, just go out and do something besides talking to her. She's not going to think she can see this guy because you're not around all of the time - she's going to think she can see this guy anyway. You're not going to feel like you come first when she starts dating someone else. You can't stick around because you're afraid that not being around gives her the greenlight. That's what I did, and it was the worst mistake I ever made. I took advice and got myself away from her, and it was a good thing. Unfortunately it didn't last, and our proximity has led to nothing but intense conflict. Now we are on bad terms... very bad terms. We might both be missing each other instead of hating eachother if we didn't have to be around each other so much.

 

Telling you that you would come first even if she dates somebody new is comple bull. I'm sorry, but if she was putting you first, she wouldn't be dating someone new while still calling you if she knows that you feel that you want her back. People can forget about 3 years amazingly fast. This cannot be good for you. It doesn't have to be an angry decision, either (although anger, in this case, actually helps you get away). Ween yourself from her. Make some very strict rules about your conversations with her - don't say anything affectionate. Don't be emotionally supportive. Be somewhat indifferent, but not unfriendly. And, most of all, don't ever let her tell you about other guys. Tell her that you don't want to hear about it. Stop answering every call. Try talking to her only once a day, when you call her back, and don't ever avoid making yourself busy because you think she might be calling or coming around. If you're not her boyfriend, stop acting like it. Don't do anything for her you wouldn't do for a guy friend.

 

Remember... trying to use yourself to make her feel guilty and not do things that will hurt your feelings won't work. You wont be able to stop her from seeing people by being around, and you won't be able to deal with it when she does. Just go on with your life. You don't have to hate her/avoid her, but it won't help you to stick around.