Assada Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 OK, So I've been dating this girl for about a year and a half. I'm 30, she's 28 and we've had some problems like, she'd want to see me and I was not make it to her Apt., I'd let her know this, and she'd get upset, which in turn would make me upset. Recently I spent the weeked over at her Apt, and, I found out in the early morning that she has been going through my phone, which does not have a password on it. I asked her and she initially denied, then, she came clean on her own about 5 minutes after. This is a definite violation. I'm not sure how to approach the situation though. I'm angry. Any suggestions of what I should communicate to her? What should i do?
preraph Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Sounds like you need to find out why she's having trust issues. Talk to her. You've been together long enough that seems like you wouldn't care too much if she went through your phone as you got to also go through hers.
Dybbuk Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Well, you have the right to be angry. It's a violation of your privacy, and also demonstrates she does not trust you. It sounds like she is very insecure. Insecure women tend to be very 'clingy' and get mad when you can't be with them when they want to be with you. Basically this is that fork in the road. If you wish to continue with her then you need to sit her down and tell her firmly that you will not tolerate her snooping. If she can't trust you, then you cannot be in a relationship with her. Simple as that. It takes mutual trust to have a relationship with another person. She needs to respect your time and space as well. If you cannot be with her on a particular day, but make efforts to spend time with her consistently then she should understand that and allow you some time to do what you need to do. Explain to her that time apart from each other is just as vital to a couple as time together. This allows each person to keep their identity and have a life outside their partner. No one wants to spend every waking moment with another person no matter how much they love them. If the situation does not improve you may need to decide whether or not this is what you want for yourself. Loving someone can be difficult when they are insecure and needy. You'll end up sacrificing your own happiness in order to keep them happy. If she can't make efforts to grow up a little and trust you, then she is not ready for a real relationship. Best of luck. 3
Author Assada Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 Sounds like you need to find out why she's having trust issues. Talk to her. You've been together long enough that seems like you wouldn't care too much if she went through your phone as you got to also go through hers. I dont want to go through her phone. I dont have those issues. I'm secure in myself i also dont think that my privacy is out the window. She has used my phone before, with my permission, there is NO lock on it. but this time, she chose to go through it, while I was a sleep 1
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 OK, So I've been dating this girl for about a year and a half. I'm 30, she's 28 and we've had some problems like, she'd want to see me and I was not make it to her Apt., I'd let her know this, and she'd get upset, which in turn would make me upset. Recently I spent the weeked over at her Apt, and, I found out in the early morning that she has been going through my phone, which does not have a password on it. I asked her and she initially denied, then, she came clean on her own about 5 minutes after. This is a definite violation. I'm not sure how to approach the situation though. I'm angry. Any suggestions of what I should communicate to her? What should i do? Since you couldn't "make it to her apartment" to see her, she now thinks you're seeing (or sleeping) with someone else; which is why she is now snooping through your phone - which, in my opinion, is HIGHLY inappropriate and invasive. She should've approached you directly and asked you if you're cheating on her and if your answer satisfies her, then she should've asked you why you weren't able to make it to her apartment to hang out with her. And if your answer is because you had other commitments or obligations, and THAT answer doesn't satisfies her, then um...you just might have someone who is too immature to be in a relationship. Her snooping through your phone could possibly become a pattern for her every time she doubts you or thinks you're being untruthful...or, this could be a one time thing and just blow over. Has she ever done this before? If she has, you might just want to reconsider remaining in this relationship with her. Normally, when someone snoops through their significant other's phone, laptop or other things, it is because they FEEL or BELIEVE that they are cheating on them or are lying to them - which means, that they do NOT trust them. If you've done nothing to make her distrust you and if you're not cheating on her or lying to her, then her snooping on you is WRONG and it'll be something you may have to deal with throughout your relationship with her. Observe her actions and see if she does it again. If she does, I would END the relationship. Being in a relationship with someone who is constantly suspicious of you and is insecure will NOT be fun and WILL cause you a HUGE amount of stress and unnecessary drama in your life. j/s . 1
orangetree Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 You have every right to be angry, but I'm giving your gf the benefit of the doubt here and say that she's not just a crazy control freak who you should dump, bt a girl who really loves you and has some trust issues. You should talk to her and ask her why she doesn't trust you. After 1.5 ears of relationship you should be comfortable enough with each other to talk about those things. And think about it- Are you doing things that could make her insecure? You said that sometimes you say you'll go to her apartment but in the end you cancel last minute (IF I got this right)- I would also find that weird and quite annoying and maybe wonder why my bf often cancels last minute and if he maybe has better things to do. What about other things? Are you going out a lot without her? Do you tend to drink a lot? Do you tell her that you love her and give her the appreciation she needs? I'm not saying that from now on you only have to serve her needs and do everything she wants, but communication is the key. Trust has to be earned sometimes. 2
orangetree Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 By the way, how did you even notice she went through your phone? My boyfriend lets me use his phone too and in the past I even sometimes used his Whatsapp when my phone was dead. He never had a problem with it, in fact he even offered me to use his phone. Myself, I also would't mind if my bf opened my Whatsapp or my Facebook or whatever if he NEEDS it, because I have nothing to hide. Of course it's a different thing if snooping becomes a regular habit.
Gary S Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Sounds like she has trust issues and is needy. Was she ever cheated on? Has she ever been to a counselor and been diagnosed with anything, such as bipolar disorder? She should see a counselor at any rate. Mental problems and excess emotional baggage can be a deal breaker. 1
Author Assada Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 By the way, how did you even notice she went through your phone? My boyfriend lets me use his phone too and in the past I even sometimes used his Whatsapp when my phone was dead. He never had a problem with it, in fact he even offered me to use his phone. Myself, I also would't mind if my bf opened my Whatsapp or my Facebook or whatever if he NEEDS it, because I have nothing to hide. Of course it's a different thing if snooping becomes a regular habit. i saw that my facebook messages were open. Also, I never cancelled at the last minute on her. I did cancel to play soccer, on that particular day. I rarely drink. I dont throw out "I love yous" in every conversation. I only say it, if I really mean it. She has had issues where she's been cheated on before though. A dude cheated on her with her best friend. Not sure if she's ever been to a counselor
Price2Play Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 You should know by now if she has "trust" issues with you after 1.5yrs.... While it may be a violation and I understand you are angry, so what are you going to do punish her? I personally think this is silly, you have nothing to hide. She didn't find anything right? Comon man woman get insecure at times, she probably feels bad enough for snooping. 3
Author Assada Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 You should know by now if she has "trust" issues with you after 1.5yrs.... While it may be a violation and I understand you are angry, so what are you going to do punish her? I personally think this is silly, you have nothing to hide. She didn't find anything right? Comon man woman get insecure at times, she probably feels bad enough for snooping. So you think its a violation, but you think its silly? On who's part? Seems like a contradiction. -- Just chunk it up to "women get insecure at times", doesnt make it good. Seems like you didnt really have much constructive to say. Ofcourse she feels a little bad now, but so what 1
Diezel Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Block your phone. That way, you'll see if she does it again when she asks, "Why did you block your phone?" 1
d0nnivain Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Your choices include * get over it. * talk to her & express this can't happen again; discuss why she did it. * break up with her * find someway to punish her (that is a bad idea indeed) What do you want to do? 1
kendahke Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) OK, So I've been dating this girl for about a year and a half. I'm 30, she's 28 and we've had some problems like, she'd want to see me and I was not make it to her Apt., I'd let her know this, and she'd get upset, which in turn would make me upset. Recently I spent the weeked over at her Apt, and, I found out in the early morning that she has been going through my phone, which does not have a password on it. I asked her and she initially denied, then, she came clean on her own about 5 minutes after. This is a definite violation. I'm not sure how to approach the situation though. I'm angry. Any suggestions of what I should communicate to her? What should i do? I'd dump her for her deceit and lying about it. She esteems you as a liar--there's nothing to work with here. Put a pass code on your phone. It's no one's business what's on your phone if they're not paying your bill. And it has nothing to do with "people who have nothing to hide hide nothing". Do you let girlfriends open your mail? It has to do with "it's my privacy and me being with you in a relationship doesn't alter my privacy". If she's got trust issues behind a past boyfriend and her bff, then she needs a therapist, not a boyfriend. She had no excuse for proceeding the way in which she did. All she needed to do was ask you and then trust her gut on which way to proceed. Edited March 17, 2015 by kendahke 2
smackie9 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Dump her. It will never matter what you say to her, she will always doubt you. Even if she found nothing, she will keep looking till she does. She will never be convinced. She has a real problem, and it's not yours to deal with. Get rid of her. 1
smackie9 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I'd dump her for her deceit and lying about it. She esteems you as a liar--there's nothing to work with here. Put a pass code on your phone. It's no one's business what's on your phone if they're not paying your bill. And it has nothing to do with "people who have nothing to hide hide nothing". Do you let girlfriends open your mail? It has to do with "it's my privacy and me being with you in a relationship doesn't alter my privacy". If she's got trust issues behind a past boyfriend and her bff, then she needs a therapist, not a boyfriend. She had no excuse for proceeding the way in which she did. All she needed to do was ask you and then trust her gut on which way to proceed. ^^^^^this I totally agree with. There are people who expect to share passwords to keep everyone honest....that to me is pretty f'd up and they have problems. I would never tolerate it. I have been with my husband for over 25 years...I never look through his phone, nor do I go through his computer, open his mail, nothing. I don't even go on his FB page unless I want to post something his timeline. People are just too paranoid for their own good.
sandylee1 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Are you saying you only cancelled going to see her on one occasion? Because in your first post it sounded like you did it on a few occasions. Did you tell her you were going to play soccer? Or just cancel without a reason. There may be other things your doing or ways your behaving without realising that are making her suspicious. Sit her down and ask her if you've done anything that led her to snoop. Make her feel safe when you do this, without getting angry or raising your voice. I think if I was with someone who'd been cheated on, I would have empathy for their insecurities, but I think it would help if you reassured her you'd never do that to her. Tell her that if you got the desire to be with someone else, that you'd break up with her and not cheat. Do tell her that you don't want her looking through your phone again because you feel it's a violation. Of course there is a chance that she'll think you're making such a big deal out of it and suspect even more that you've something to hide. 1
Redhead14 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 OK, So I've been dating this girl for about a year and a half. I'm 30, she's 28 and we've had some problems like, she'd want to see me and I was not make it to her Apt., I'd let her know this, and she'd get upset, which in turn would make me upset. Recently I spent the weeked over at her Apt, and, I found out in the early morning that she has been going through my phone, which does not have a password on it. I asked her and she initially denied, then, she came clean on her own about 5 minutes after. This is a definite violation. I'm not sure how to approach the situation though. I'm angry. Any suggestions of what I should communicate to her? What should i do? This woman had some issues with insecurity from the get go. If you couldn't get together with her when she wanted to see you in the beginning, she would get upset. That's a problem already. Nevertheless, you're a year and a half into it. If you love her and want to address the issue maturely, you'll need to find out why she's feeling insecure, assuming you've never given her a reason to. I'd approach it in a supportive way. In other words, I'd say something like "I love you and want you to feel secure in our relationship. Is there something that I have done or you think I've done to cause you to lose trust in me. If so, I'd like to address it". Then, let her speak. If she tells you that she doesn't have a specific reason for not trusting you, it is about her own internal insecurities and anxieties. 1
Author Assada Posted March 19, 2015 Author Posted March 19, 2015 Thanks guys, A lot of good answers, I respect Smackie9 & Redhead14. So thank you guys
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