How do I recover from an abusive relationship?

[Lolita_Sky]

I just found out that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. He manipulated me and made me feel as if I was a terrible person. That the reason the relationship was struggling was all my fault. I can't say it didn't affect me because he'd nearly broken me. I was sooo emotionally weak. He'd nearly broken me completely. I remember three weeks ago CRYING like a baby asking him what was wrong. Pleading with him to tell me what is that's making him withdraw.

 

After that night i realized WTF has come over me to make me behave this way?? I needed to step back. I realized that something was terribly off and that I needed to get a foothold fast.

 

Anyway to cut a long story short I broke it off with him and it ended...yet again with him putting all the blame on me.

 

How do I recover from the damage he's done? I feel a lot better since we haven't been together but deep down...emotionally I feel off.

 

I know I can't get into another relationship. Even now I don't feel anything about the break up. I just feel empty. Have I adopted some of his manipulative tendencies?

[xpaperxcutx]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, and I am going to be honest with you right now, your recovery will not be an easy one. For the next coming days, weeks, and maybe even months, your emotions will be like a rollercoaster- it will be like the 5 Stages of Grief for you.

 

One of the most important things that you have to remember is that emotional abuse is not your fault, and don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself for what happened. Otherwise, you will feel a need to put yourself down, which is something that is going to be detrimental to your recovery.

 

Try to take it one day at a time- eat well, stay healthy, and exercise to help your body release endorphin. Also if your wallet permits, or if you have insurance, try to seek professional help with a therapist to help you cope with your emotions.

 

Recovery from any sort of abuse is learning to accept that what happened to you wasn't your fault and finding a way to rebuild your self-esteem and and your self-worth. I can assure you that if you do the necessary steps to take care of yourself you will come of this experience, a better person.

[todreaminblue]

What behaviors do you feel you have adopted

 

from what you have written i am guessing you broke it off near two weeks ago or so....that is not a long time to get over emotional abuse...go easy on yourself....that is what you need to do......so stop blaming yourself.....for feeling what you feel......feeling empty....i would think you manipulative if you felt fulfilled by an emotional break up......you need a while.....how long that is depends on you and your feelings..because he wasnt good to you and thats what you need to do to feel better about yourself..is be good to you..

 

for this ....you deserve the very best of a man......never less..and never the worst of a man...deb

 

“Teach me Your way, O Lord, and lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies. Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, and such as breathe out violence. I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”

[Lolita_Sky]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, and I am going to be honest with you right now, your recovery will not be an easy one. For the next coming days, weeks, and maybe even months, your emotions will be like a rollercoaster- it will be like the 5 Stages of Grief for you.

 

One of the most important things that you have to remember is that emotional abuse is not your fault, and don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself for what happened. Otherwise, you will feel a need to put yourself down, which is something that is going to be detrimental to your recovery.

 

Try to take it one day at a time- eat well, stay healthy, and exercise to help your body release endorphin. Also if your wallet permits, or if you have insurance, try to seek professional help with a therapist to help you cope with your emotions.

 

Recovery from any sort of abuse is learning to accept that what happened to you wasn't your fault and finding a way to rebuild your self-esteem and and your self-worth. I can assure you that if you do the necessary steps to take care of yourself you will come of this experience, a better person.

 

The worst part about it is that I would always tell myself I'd never get with an abusive man. That he would never break me and that I was too strong willed to allow it to happen.

 

Well I was completely blindsided and had absolutely no idea about emotional manipulators. I feel so bad that I let this monster into my life.

.I just don't know how to take it. My family doesn't understand how damaging he was to me. No one does.

 

I'm scared that I won't recover from this or I'll become just like him.

 

It doesn't help that I'm experiencing harrassment at one of my jobs either. I'm just going through a lot right now.

 

This year hasn't started out so well for me...

Edited March 17, 2015 by Lolita_Sky

[Lolita_Sky]

What behaviors do you feel you have adopted

 

from what you have written I am guessing you broke it off near two weeks ago or so....that is not a long time to get over emotional abuse...go easy on yourself....that is what you need to do......so stop blaming yourself.....for feeling what you feel......feeling empty....i would think you manipulative if you felt fulfilled by an emotional break up......you need a while.....how long that is depends on you and your feelings..because he wasnt good to you and thats what you need to do to feel better about yourself..is be good to you..

 

for this ....you deserve the very best of a man......never less..and never the worst of a man...deb

 

Well I sort of turned around what he did to me just to have an "in your face" moment. I got satisfaction out of doing it too. I felt like I 1 upped him and made him reveal his true feelings without him even realizing it.

 

He attempted to make it all on me but I kept using phrases like "if that is how you feel" to confirm his reasoning behind the breakup.

 

Just basically turning it back on him.

[todreaminblue]

Well I sort of turned around what he did to me just to have an "in your face" moment. I got satisfaction out of doing it too. I felt like I 1 upped him and made him reveal his true feelings without him even realizing it.

 

He attempted to make it all on me but I kept using phrases like "if that is how you feel" to confirm his reasoning behind the breakup.

 

Just basically turning it back on him.

 

but i am guessing now you feel a little guilty for doing that in your face moment? worrying that you might be developing like him...to me signifies you are not..unfortunately one upping anyone hardly ever works out int he favor of anyone......revenge is not a handy clear conscience tool..a clear conscience comes from believing in who you are as a person.......and not getting revenge because you dont need the dramatic interlude....and forgiving yourself as well as him......leaves no regrets..move on in peace...towards yourself and towards him..deb

[Michelle ma Belle]

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, and I am going to be honest with you right now, your recovery will not be an easy one. For the next coming days, weeks, and maybe even months, your emotions will be like a rollercoaster- it will be like the 5 Stages of Grief for you.

 

One of the most important things that you have to remember is that emotional abuse is not your fault, and don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself for what happened. Otherwise, you will feel a need to put yourself down, which is something that is going to be detrimental to your recovery.

 

Try to take it one day at a time- eat well, stay healthy, and exercise to help your body release endorphin. Also if your wallet permits, or if you have insurance, try to seek professional help with a therapist to help you cope with your emotions.

 

Recovery from any sort of abuse is learning to accept that what happened to you wasn't your fault and finding a way to rebuild your self-esteem and and your self-worth. I can assure you that if you do the necessary steps to take care of yourself you will come of this experience, a better person.

 

Agreed.

 

I've spent years working with abused women and I can't tell you how proud I am of you for having such insane courage to have done what you did and on your own no less!!!!! Consider yourself hugged

 

I think xpaperxcutx did a lovely job in suggesting some things to consider. If I were to stress any one point it would be to seek professional counselling. Emotional abuse is MUCH more pervasive then physical abuse because no one can see it including the victim herself. It's VERY difficult to heal from this without some kind of professional help.

 

I'm not sure where you live but if your insurance or work benefits don't cover therapy I would suggest you seek out women's shelters or domestic violence organizations in your area. Most of them offer a variety of FREE services to women escaping abuse including counselling.

 

Again, congratulations my friend and welcome to your new life!!!! :bunny:

[Lolita_Sky]

Agreed.

 

I've spent years working with abused women and I can't tell you how proud I am of you for having such insane courage to have done what you did and on your own no less!!!!! Consider yourself hugged

 

I think xpaperxcutx did a lovely job in suggesting some things to consider. If I were to stress any one point it would be to seek professional counselling. Emotional abuse is MUCH more pervasive then physical abuse because no one can see it including the victim herself. It's VERY difficult to heal from this without some kind of professional help.

 

I'm not sure where you live but if your insurance or work benefits don't cover therapy I would suggest you seek out women's shelters or domestic violence organizations in your area. Most of them offer a variety of FREE services to women escaping abuse including counselling.

 

Again, congratulations my friend and welcome to your new life!!!! :bunny:

 

Thanks I just feel lost. I honestly don't know what to do. We were involved for a total of 6 months. The abuse didn't get worse until the end of February on up until a week or so ago. He started to ignore me and it made me feel HORRIBLE.

 

I tried talking to him about it. But he acted like everything was fine. Then he wanted to go on "break" do his own thing for a while. I couldn't do it. It was stressing me out he was about to drive me crazy. I had to break it off.

 

Since then it's like this fog or haze has been lifted from me. I still feel sad and catch myself crying for no reason some times... Is this normal?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Thanks I just feel lost. I honestly don't know what to do. We were involved for a total of 6 months. The abuse didn't get worse until the end of February on up until a week or so ago. He started to ignore me and it made me feel HORRIBLE.

 

I tried talking to him about it. But he acted like everything was fine. Then he wanted to go on "break" do his own thing for a while. I couldn't do it. It was stressing me out he was about to drive me crazy. I had to break it off.

 

Since then it's like this fog or haze has been lifted from me. I still feel sad and catch myself crying for no reason some times... Is this normal?

 

Yes. Very normal. Abuse is essentially trauma and it takes time to heal from this, until you feel "normal" again. With emotional abuse in particularly, it sometimes takes years and in some cases, women never fully recover especially if they haven't gotten the right help. That is the sad truth of the matter.

 

The silver lining in your case is that although 6 months can feel like eternity when you're in the thick of it, it is not long by usual domestic standards. It's a nano-second compared to what most women endure. That's not to minimize your experience but to put help you put it into perspective and to realize how brave you were to get out as soon as you did.

 

I've been out of that field for the last 6 years so I'm not well versed on the current statistics any longer but from what I remember it takes the average woman 7 serious attempts at leaving her abusive spouse before she finally escapes either on her own or by being murdered by her partner - this has more to do with physical abuse than emotional. And more than 75% of those women return to their abusers within one year.

 

Again, these are very old stats so don't quote me on them. I just wanted to give you a snapshot so you can better understand the situation you're in.

 

Most abused women stay in their relationships for YEARS often enduring BOTH emotional and physical abuse. Emotional or psychological abuse is a precursor for physical abuse so consider yourself lucky to be out of that relationship before things turned violent...because the odds of it turning violent were extremely high!

 

Again, I can't stress it enough...you need to seek out some help! Please believe me when I tell you think. You cannot do this alone. Shelters in your area are a great place to start. Individual counselling sessions are ideal but group support would also be amazing if only to be surrounded by other women who've gone through what you've gone through.

 

If you want more info about possible places in your area, inbox me and maybe I can check in with my old contacts at the shelter to see if they can help

[Lolita_Sky]

Yes. Very normal. Abuse is essentially trauma and it takes time to heal from this, until you feel "normal" again. With emotional abuse in particularly, it sometimes takes years and in some cases, women never fully recover especially if they haven't gotten the right help. That is the sad truth of the matter.

 

The silver lining in your case is that although 6 months can feel like eternity when you're in the thick of it, it is not long by usual domestic standards. It's a nano-second compared to what most women endure. That's not to minimize your experience but to put help you put it into perspective and to realize how brave you were to get out as soon as you did.

 

I've been out of that field for the last 6 years so I'm not well versed on the current statistics any longer but from what I remember it takes the average woman 7 serious attempts at leaving her abusive spouse before she finally escapes either on her own or by being murdered by her partner - this has more to do with physical abuse than emotional. And more than 75% of those women return to their abusers within one year.

 

Again, these are very old stats so don't quote me on them. I just wanted to give you a snapshot so you can better understand the situation you're in.

 

Most abused women stay in their relationships for YEARS often enduring BOTH emotional and physical abuse. Emotional or psychological abuse is a precursor for physical abuse so consider yourself lucky to be out of that relationship before things turned violent...because the odds of it turning violent were extremely high!

 

Again, I can't stress it enough...you need to seek out some help! Please believe me when I tell you think. You cannot do this alone. Shelters in your area are a great place to start. Individual counselling sessions are ideal but group support would also be amazing if only to be surrounded by other women who've gone through what you've gone through.

 

If you want more info about possible places in your area, inbox me and maybe I can check in with my old contacts at the shelter to see if they can help

 

Okay. Thank you for your advice. I had talked to a therapist last week but bi can't afford to go to them. I'll look into a more affordable...possibly free route.