Was I wrong for not responding to my boyfriends text after he walked out on me?

March 17, 2015

We're both in our late 20's and we've been together for 2 years. Before reading this scenario, i have not given him a reason to not trust me. Saturday night we were together and i was searching on my phone for different activities for us to do. I expressed to him that i want us to go out and do different thing and his response was "with me right". His response made me upset; lie it was such a dumb and insecure comment. I asked him what made him say that and he said that he just felt like asking. I asked him a couple more times and he kept giving me the same answer. I kinda shut down after that and kept to myself because it really bothers me when he asks insecure questions like that. So he kept to himself too. After an hour or so, i told him that i was upset because of the question he asked me and he shouldn't be asking me questions like that at this point of our relationship. And he told me again, that he just felt like asking me that. So about 30 minutes later, he started to get ready to go to his basketball game that i was going to go to if he had asked, but he didn't and just left. He texted me about an hour and a half later; the text read "Sorry". I didn't respond because i though it was so pathetic to just send me a simple "sorry" text and i had no urge to really be in contact with him at that point. Was i wrong for not responding?

And no, he didn't act that way to leave me so he could be alone at his game. He really meant it when he asked me that question.

He has not tried to get in contact with me at all since sending me the "sorry" text. i haven't spoken to him in going on 2 days now.

March 17, 2015

You're being a woman.

"Searching for activities" on your phone? He clearly just wanted to relax and spend time with you at home before his game. Why wasn't that enough? You probably nagged him about doing something, so he threw it back at you.

Now you're upset because he asked a question and you don't want to answer?

Woman up, apologize, and talk to him.

March 17, 2015

I don't fully understand what he did wrong tbh. Maybe some context is needed. If he kind of the jealous/insecure type? Does he accuse you of cheating constantly? etc.

If not, I think he was either 1) unsure of the plans and if you were planning to do something yourself or with him 2) joking or 3) seeking reassurance.

Rather than lash out at him about it, it sounds like you need to communicate with him better. Why is he feeling insecure? Why does he feel the need to be reassured? Perhaps there was just some miscommunication? Just lashing out/getting annoyed doesn't resolve anything.

March 17, 2015

We're both in our late 20's and we've been together for 2 years. Before reading this scenario, i have not given him a reason to not trust me. Saturday night we were together and i was searching on my phone for different activities for us to do. I expressed to him that i want us to go out and do different thing and his response was "with me right". His response made me upset; lie it was such a dumb and insecure comment. I asked him what made him say that and he said that he just felt like asking. I asked him a couple more times and he kept giving me the same answer. I kinda shut down after that and kept to myself because it really bothers me when he asks insecure questions like that. So he kept to himself too. After an hour or so, i told him that i was upset because of the question he asked me and he shouldn't be asking me questions like that at this point of our relationship. And he told me again, that he just felt like asking me that. So about 30 minutes later, he started to get ready to go to his basketball game that i was going to go to if he had asked, but he didn't and just left. He texted me about an hour and a half later; the text read "Sorry". I didn't respond because i though it was so pathetic to just send me a simple "sorry" text and i had no urge to really be in contact with him at that point. Was i wrong for not responding?

And no, he didn't act that way to leave me so he could be alone at his game. He really meant it when he asked me that question.
He has not tried to get in contact with me at all since sending me the "sorry" text. i haven't spoken to him in going on 2 days now.

I know that you responded impulsively as the result of your wanting him to understand that he is all you need, and that you are fully in his corner, romantically... but a stronger, more secure you would have confidently told him (again) that he is the only one you want to be with.

Instead it played out like two 7th graders, each experiencing their first-ever romantic feelings, with one another, with each side afraid to go first and spell-out how much the other means to them.

The best rewards come to those willing to take the greatest (emotional) risks!!

(and to be mad at him for that insecurity, when you were in ways similarly insecure, is wrong)

March 17, 2015

yes OP, your bf was in the wrong I think.

if its in the context that you tell here, it is super insecure, very unattractive i might add.

Also, the "sorry" seems a little flat.

.... but OP sometimes you just got to let it go.

Its not that big of a deal to hold on to

March 17, 2015

i get that his "with me" was insecure and unattractive. Don't know if it's "wrong" per se because I guess that's how he was feeling and let's face it, couples have tiffs and areas of disagreement. I think when someone says sorry though, especially if you are very important people to each other, you owe it to them to keep lines of communication open. It's a bit late, but the next move is yours.

March 17, 2015

ooh I should add that he "walked out on me" is an exaggeration. He went to his game. You both were holding grudges. He chose to use his to not invite you to the game and roll over immediately. You could have easily said I want to come watch you play, we'll finish discussing this later. Or even it's best if I don't go since were are in a little argument. You can't really have it both ways.

March 17, 2015

Hmm yeah its one thing if he was joking, but if he said that straight, comes off as really insecure... Lol.

Sounds like he really meant it because when you challenged him on it, he was definitely backpeddling! lol.

Stupid thing to get in a fight over, but its a stupid thing for him to say in the first place.

March 17, 2015

I suspect he asked you that because of your dating history or your personality. Either you have cheated on a past boyfriend and he knows and doesn't trust you. Or, you are very outgoing and flirty...especially around men, and that makes him feel insecure. Plus, your over-reaction to his question makes you look guilty and defensive, as though you have something to hide.

Men don't ask those kinds of questions to their girlfriends when they feel secure in the relationship. There's obviously more going on here, otherwise he wouldn't have asked you that question.

And, I don't approve of ever using the silent treatment. It's a form of manipulation and control over another person. It's passive-aggressive to give someone the silent treatment. Why are you doing that? Your boyfriend asked you a simple question that you didn't give an honest answer to. Otherwise, why would he keep asking you? He obviously suspects you of cheating on him. That's why he asked you. Have you cheated on him? Even emotionally cheated with another guy?

March 17, 2015

He texted me about an hour and a half later; the text read "Sorry". I didn't respond because i though it was so pathetic to just send me a simple "sorry" text and i had no urge to really be in contact with him at that point. Was i wrong for not responding?

i haven't spoken to him in going on 2 days now.

No not wrong at all. His actions display a distinct lack of maturity or desire to communicate on an adult level. His throwaway text wasn't a serious attempt at apologising or reaching an understanding with you. It was a throwaway text so you don't make the decision (I suspect) you know is coming. I know exactly what I would do. But it's still up to you.

This guy is going to try and guilt you into not spending time away from him, and having to constantly validate his lack of security in the relationship. He displays zero interest in your feelings and even worse displays a total lack of communication skills. He's not a keeper.

March 17, 2015

We're both in our late 20's and we've been together for 2 years. Before reading this scenario, i have not given him a reason to not trust me. Saturday night we were together and i was searching on my phone for different activities for us to do. I expressed to him that i want us to go out and do different thing and his response was "with me right". His response made me upset; lie it was such a dumb and insecure comment. I asked him what made him say that and he said that he just felt like asking. I asked him a couple more times and he kept giving me the same answer. I kinda shut down after that and kept to myself because it really bothers me when he asks insecure questions like that. So he kept to himself too. After an hour or so, i told him that i was upset because of the question he asked me and he shouldn't be asking me questions like that at this point of our relationship. And he told me again, that he just felt like asking me that. So about 30 minutes later, he started to get ready to go to his basketball game that i was going to go to if he had asked, but he didn't and just left. He texted me about an hour and a half later; the text read "Sorry". I didn't respond because i though it was so pathetic to just send me a simple "sorry" text and i had no urge to really be in contact with him at that point. Was i wrong for not responding?

And no, he didn't act that way to leave me so he could be alone at his game. He really meant it when he asked me that question.
He has not tried to get in contact with me at all since sending me the "sorry" text. i haven't spoken to him in going on 2 days now.

No you weren't wrong for not responding to his text. You should not be continuing serious conversations through texting. I'd let this sit for a while. Step back from it and let things settle down. Let him come to you.

When you two can sit down face to face and have a calm discussion about it, you simply say "I am sensing that there is something bothering you about our relationship and it's important for us to talk about it". "I want you to know that our relationship is important to me and that I love you and want you to be happy and secure in it". Telll him, you have complete trust in him. And, then ask him, if there is something you can do to help him feel more secure. Approaching it in a supportive way should allow him to feel "safe" to talk about it. If he has any kind of suspicion, he may be afraid to open the discussion out of his fear, albeit imagined, that there is a reason not to trust you and so is avoiding the discussion. His responses so far are about avoidance obviously, but if he had a real reason not to trust you, he would make it clear to you, I'm sure.

This is about his own insecurities apparently. Perhaps something from his past is bubbling up?

March 17, 2015

First ur not wrong he deserved the no reply. hes a tool.

March 17, 2015

His actions display a distinct lack of maturity or desire to communicate on an adult level.

... as did her re-action.

If a child hurls its bowl of strained peas onto the floor, does it make sense for the supposed adult (one who perceives herself to be above that sort of childish behavior) to respond by taking a larger plate of filet mignon and hurling it at the floor with greater force????

SO, the first order of business for such a woman, is to respond like an adult to such behavior lest she set herself up for a whole lifetime surrounded by adult-children.

The opposite would be akin to responding to a raging alcoholic by becoming even more drunk and belligerent than they are.

Edited March 17, 2015 by SincereOnlineGuy

March 17, 2015

... as did her re-action.

If a child hurls its bowl of strained peas onto the floor, does it make sense for the supposed adult (one who perceives herself to be above that sort of childish behavior) to respond by taking a larger plate of filet mignon and hurling it at the floor with greater force????

SO, the first order of business for such a woman, is to respond like an adult to such behavior lest she set herself up for a whole lifetime surrounded by adult-children.

The opposite would be akin to responding to a raging alcoholic by becoming even more drunk and belligerent than they are.

I see where you're coming from but I see it differently. You said: "does it make sense for the supposed adult (one who perceives herself to be above that sort of childish behavior) to respond by taking a larger plate of filet mignon and hurling it at the floor with greater force????"

And while agree with your sentiment, I don't necessarily see it the same. She was turned off and annoyed so instead of going to his game she stayed home... Not too sure that would be classified as throwing a fit but instead ignoring the "problem"

So, while she didn't necessarily throw gas on the fire she also didn't manage/tend the fire, so to speak.

OP, you need to figure out if this is worth saving and go from there. If you two cannot make it through something so small then I can imagine he isn't the guy for you. Good luck

March 17, 2015

Both of you caused this problem.

You have been together for 2 years. When he asked you if you were looking for activities to do with him, yes it was an insecure Q but instead of reassuring your BF who you supposedly care enough to have dated for 2 years, you shut down. It would have been healthier if you took some time to reassure him & solidify your relationship, instead of further eroding it.

When he left he knew you were mad at him. After you punished him with the silent treatment, how was he supposed to know that you wanted to be asked to the game? BTW, when was the last time in 2 years he asked? I imagine at this point in your relationship he just assumed you were coming with him, no invitation needed. Yes, it would have been better & more mature if he asked but he didn't.

When he got to the game, either through insight from friends or on his own. he realized that somebody needed to fix this before it got worse & he apologized. Was his "sorry" poetry, no. Was it at heartfelt attempt to repair the damage, probably.

So what did you do? Pouted & continued to punish him with the silent treatment. That is not fair or constructive.

You don't seem to respect this guy very much. Why not put him out of his misery & just end it rather than continue to kick him around emotionally?

March 17, 2015

... as did her re-action.

If a child hurls its bowl of strained peas onto the floor, does it make sense for the supposed adult (one who perceives herself to be above that sort of childish behavior) to respond by taking a larger plate of filet mignon and hurling it at the floor with greater force????

SO, the first order of business for such a woman, is to respond like an adult to such behavior lest she set herself up for a whole lifetime surrounded by adult-children.

The opposite would be akin to responding to a raging alcoholic by becoming even more drunk and belligerent than they are.

Kid throws strained peas on the floor, adult asks "Why did you do that?" Child says because I just did. Adult leaves child to consider his options, but child storms off to play with his friends.

Child then shouts "Sorry!" from the playground, but makes no attempt to reconcile.

Adult ignores and waits for child to apologise properly.

March 17, 2015

Kid throws strained peas on the floor, adult asks "Why did you do that?" Child says because I just did. Adult leaves child to consider his options, but child storms off to play with his friends.
Child then shouts "Sorry!" from the playground, but makes no attempt to reconcile.
Adult ignores and waits for child to apologise properly.

Sounds more like a case of two children than the scenario you present.

March 17, 2015

Well, if how you wrote it here is accurate, you told him specifically you were looking for new activities to do with him, so yes, his comment was insecure at minimum and possibly accusatory, like he's got a bug up assuming you're cheating on him. All I can say is men who always think someone who's not cheating is cheat -- are men who would cheat if they had a chance and assume that everyone else would too.

He wouldn't talk openly about it, so I don't blame you for being mad. A "sorry" isn't talking about it. You should let him know that when he's ready to talk about it, let you know. And you might tell him that men who always think people are cheating, it's because they assume everyone wants to cheat, including themselves, and maybe that will put a stop to it if he realizes he's incriminating himself every time he pulls that suspicious nonsense.

Now, if you have cheated on him in the past, that changes the whole dynamic, but if you specified activities for you two, he didn't need to go there and never will trust you if that's the case.

March 17, 2015

OP, is this the first time he's said this or implied this to you or is this a pattern of behavior that has not been addressed and you finally blew up? That's what it sounds like to me.

Why on earth would he ask you if you wanted to do those things with him if he's your boyfriend? Who else would you be talking about doing things with when you said

"i want us to go out and do different things"

What about the pronoun "us" doesn't figure him into it?

You both sound like you need to sit down and have a very serious discussion about your relationship.

March 18, 2015

People,

You are collectively not getting it here:

Two people in a committed relationship of a couple of years.

One asked the other a question, and the other opted to avoid answering the question, while instead asking the partner why the question was asked in the first place.

The first thing you do is answer the question your partner asked and only then do you have any sort of right to investigate the reasons why it was asked.

The lack of response to the original question was the child-like behavior which set this all in motion.

The OP controlled her own fate the whole time, and she opted for the immature behavior, which set in motion the downward escalation from there.

The OP not only didn't answer the initial question, but she repeated the identical behavior in not responding to his text, and then coming here to ask whether she was right or wrong in not responding.

The way any parent of a child corrects that childish behavior, is to directly respond like an adult, rather than draw upon further childish responses which serve only to escalate the problem.

When your child hurls his/her strained peas onto the floor, do not respond by hurling your plate of filet mignon on the floor as if demonstrating yourself to be a bigger baby. It gets neither of you anywhere (but the dog usually likes it).

And the baby is probably doubly entertained by the whole charade, so who loses in the whole ordeal?

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Was I wrong for not responding to my boyfriends text after he walked out on me?

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