Carm Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I've been lurking the site reading some of the Infidelity posts. I'm trying to understand what leads people to cross that boundary. I personally have never cheated but I have been dating a man for almost 9 months, he had an A on his wife of 17 years. My last relationship ended 5 years ago with my bf cheating and it was an incredible painful time in my life. My new BF has told me he has learned from his mistakes and does not plan on duplicating them. His reasonings....they were total opposites, stopped loving her many years before the A, resented her for always being self-righteous and self absorbed. I want to make it clear he is not blaming her for his discretions, he's only telling me how he felt with his marriage. My question is to the people on the forum who have crossed over, what part of your marriage was missing that you felt you needed to betray your SO? Have you learned from your own A never to replicate it?
mrs rubble Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I cheated on my bf when I was in my early 20's, the relationship ended and I have never cheated again, and never will. (I'm 43 now.) What was the cause? He was in the Navy and would call from various ports bragging about all the women he'd been with. I found our female flatmates underwear in our bed one time too. He was verbally and physically abusive as well as unfaithful. I was too scared to end things and saw cheating as a way out. I don't put up with any crap these days. I'm not scared of ending things anymore either if things aren't right for me and my sons.
Nikki Sahagin Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I've cheated twice sexually but I'd say I've cheated emotionally more. Not on present bf. 1. I was 23. I was in a long distance relationship. Different time zones. I literally fell head over heels in lust when I came back, messaged the guy and we had sex twice on 2 separate occasions. I had made up my mind on the plane home that I wanted to cheat. Looking back, I was not in love with my bf at the time. I didn't feel guilt or regret; the cheating felt like breathing fresh air so obviously he was not a right match for me. I think the compelling urge to cheat was my inner voice telling me to get out. 2. Second time I cheated whilst on holiday from another boyfriend. The young manager of the hotel and me became close friends and began sleeping together. He knew I had a bf and wanted me to leave him but I didn't. This was a combo of emotional and physical cheating. The man told me he was in love with me. I had feelings for him, but was not 'IN' love. In this case, it was poor self-control and just being knocked over by lust and infatuation. For me, I've definately noticed a pattern. When I'm single, I'm eager to be in a relationship. When in a rel, I suddenly get kid in a candy shop handsy with other men that I can't have. HOWEVER, in my present rel I know that it is not worth giving into those temptations. I've crossed that line before and I think it's easier to do it again if you've done it once. If something KEEPS you from crossing that line, then let it, because it becomes easy to reoffend once you break the taboo. For me, a large factor was being young and being in relationships when I probably should have been sexually free. However, I also think casual sex is largely not what it is all cracked up to be so....it's really a toss up! PS...I'm not saying cheating is right or trying to be flippant about it. I was just trying to give my 2 cents. It's largely a character issue or sense of entitlement or weak boundaries and willpower that lead to cheating I'd say.
Nikki Sahagin Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Also, although it's not necessarily connected, I think food appetite and sexual appetite are more often than not linked and with food, I'm always looking at what other people are eating and getting jealous and wanting to have what they have so it must be a personality trait of mine.
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