Jump to content

What causes an emotional manipulator to be the way they are?

Lolita_Sky

By Lolita_Sky
in Breaks and Breaking Up

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Lolita_Sky Established Member

Lolita_Sky

Posted
Posted (edited)

I posted a couple of threads under This topic and well my ex and I has gone through an ugly break up.

 

I had an epiphany the other day. I believed my ex was an emotional manipulator. I recalled a lot of times when he was clearly in the wrong but he never owned up to his mistakes...never. He never apologized and so...that got me to thinking.

 

I'll do what he did to me and beat him at his own game. So as you all know he texted me three days ago. Well I responded a day later. He never replied back.

 

So I texted him the next day (this morning) saying I think it's best that we don't talk with each other for a while I need time to grow and pursue my dreams. Which is true actually. I don't need to be with anyone. I told him that I have to do this for me and that I want to reconnect later once we've both grown because neither of us should be in a relationship right now.

 

Well he turned it all around and made it seem like I was not "patient" and willing to work on a "good thing". That I didn't want us to "work".

 

Hold on...pump the breaks. GOOD THING?

 

He calls withdrawing and no longer calling/texting me and wanting to go on break a good thing?

 

Please...enlighten me what's good about that?

 

Anyway he said he no longer wanted to talk about it and wanted nothing to do with me and that if he saw me in person he'd walk right past me. Sooo mature.

 

I responded if this is goodbye for you then farewell. I left it at that.

 

He's a manipulator to the EXTREME he twisted every word I said to where it was negative and wasn't close to what I was saying. He did that throughout our relationship and I couldn't see it. But now...now that I've had time away from him to gather my thoughts I see it for what it is.

 

He's an abusive man and I fear for his next victim l. He nearly broke me but I had too strong of a will to allow that to happen.

 

NEVER AGAIN. Will this happen.

 

What causes these people to be this way?

Edited by Lolita_Sky
SycamoreCircle Established Member

SycamoreCircle

Posted
Posted

Time away? What, all of 24 hours?

 

Yes, he is playing games but...you are, too. The only way to stop is by going NC. NC grants a kind of "maturity" to both people.

 

You're angry. Understandably so. You're both desperate to hurt each other. Read the NC guide. Keep posting. Breathe. Breathe some more. I know it hurts. Start being honest with yourself. Let this place be your confessional.

  • Author
Lolita_Sky Established Member

Lolita_Sky

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Time away? What, all of 24 hours?

 

Yes, he is playing games but...you are, too. The only way to stop is by going NC. NC grants a kind of "maturity" to both people.

 

You're angry. Understandably so. You're both desperate to hurt each other. Read the NC guide. Keep posting. Breathe. Breathe some more. I know it hurts. Start being honest with yourself. Let this place be your confessional.

 

I dunno. He's being an a$$ I was completely honest and he just went and crapped all over my honest feelings.

 

He's childish. I'm going to let this one go. I've expressed how I felt about it and I'm done.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted
What causes these people to be this way?

 

Success and, sometimes concurrently, pragmatism.

 

An early and innocent form is a little girl wrapping daddy around her finger with behaviors which trigger his loving and protective modes. IOW, even though with the innocence of a child, she learns how to push his buttons to get what she wants.

 

Adults do the same thing, honed by years or decades of life experience and practice. It's like a knife; it can be used to benefit or to hurt. You happened to experience the hurt blade. In general, men are pragmatists. They use the tools in their toolbox to achieve their goals. If one tool doesn't work, they try another. Over time, they work a program that gets them where they want to be most of the time.

 

IMO, whatever went on here was practiced and calculated, presuming this isn't some young guy who's still a loose cannon. If he is, then it can be simple immaturity. I doubt that though.

  • Author
Lolita_Sky Established Member

Lolita_Sky

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
Success and, sometimes concurrently, pragmatism.

 

An early and innocent form is a little girl wrapping daddy around her finger with behaviors which trigger his loving and protective modes. IOW, even though with the innocence of a child, she learns how to push his buttons to get what she wants.

 

Adults do the same thing, honed by years or decades of life experience and practice. It's like a knife; it can be used to benefit or to hurt. You happened to experience the hurt blade. In general, men are pragmatists. They use the tools in their toolbox to achieve their goals. If one tool doesn't work, they try another. Over time, they work a program that gets them where they want to be most of the time.

 

IMO, whatever went on here was practiced and calculated, presuming this isn't some young guy who's still a loose cannon. If he is, then it can be simple immaturity. I doubt that though.

 

Nope he's 29. He knew what he was doing. He turned EVERYTHING I said around and made it negative. A MATURE man with a healthy mind would have been hurt but would have RESPECTED my decision. I knew he'd respond this way though. He's immature and manipulative. When things don't go their way they panic and "back out" by putting ALL of the blame on you.

 

A decent man while hurt would have appreciated my honesty. A GOOD MAN would have looked forward to me becoming a better person. But he doesn't like that idea. Know why?

 

Because it means all of the work he's "done" Would come undone.

 

He'd have to start all over again with his "work" on me.

Edited by Lolita_Sky
Hopeful714 Established Member

Hopeful714

Posted
Posted

This is manipulation, and I also see it as a big game.

 

-He tells you he wants a break and dissapears.

-He doesn't hear from you and needs to check in so to speak to see if your still hooked on him.

-You answer and try to end it.

-The baited hook from him is that you have failed to "fight" for something good.

 

The discussion is left to make you feel guilty and as if you are the one losing something. Your not.

 

You did good but I wouldn't have left it open by saying you want to discuss this later. I say this because it gives him exactly what he wanted. And that is his "space" to go do whatever for a while and an open invite to come back when HE is ready and like you said start this charade all over again.

 

Keep you eyes open...And be careful. I agree...you got an emotional abuser here. No doubt he will be back. If you want him gone for good...don't answer.

  • Author
Lolita_Sky Established Member

Lolita_Sky

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)
This is manipulation, and I also see it as a big game.

 

-He tells you he wants a break and dissapears.

-He doesn't hear from you and needs to check in so to speak to see if your still hooked on him.

-You answer and try to end it.

-The baited hook from him is that you have failed to "fight" for something good.

 

The discussion is left to make you feel guilty and as if you are the one losing something. Your not.

 

You did good but I wouldn't have left it open by saying you want to discuss this later. I say this because it gives him exactly what he wanted. And that is his "space" to go do whatever for a while and an open invite to come back when HE is ready and like you said start this charade all over again.

 

Keep you eyes open...And be careful. I agree...you got an emotional abuser here. No doubt he will be back. If you want him gone for good...don't answer.

 

Ha! How he said it he doesn't intend to contact me. I sure as h*ll won't be contacting him. Not after what he said. He said he could care less if I call, or text him and for all he cares he'd walk right past me if he saw me out in public.

 

Like SERIOUSLY?? I haven't done ANYTHING to warrant that kind of treatment. I never cheated on him, never lied, never betrayed him in any way. Now I'm SOOO terrible that you want nothing to do with me after I simply requested to give me time to work on myself? Yeah, that's definitely healthy.

 

He won't contact me in his mind I'm evil and everything wrong in the relationship was a result of my doing.

 

He's CRAZY. The dude needs help. I ended the text as "If this is goodbye for you then farewell".

 

He told me to stop contacting him and that he was done talking about it.

Edited by Lolita_Sky
Hopeful714 Established Member

Hopeful714

Posted
Posted

Then just leave it and consider yourself lucky. Believe me, he will go find someone else to play this game with....and someone with no self esteem will engage.

 

Hard to believe but some people are just like this. Until I became involved with one I wouldn't have known because I (and normal people) don't think and act like they do. They are broken people who can't be fixed and not worth the hurt to try.

 

On a positive...once they know you know what they are....they vanish for good.

 

Read up on dating red flags so you can be sure to spot this earlier next time. Protect yourself!

  • Author
Lolita_Sky Established Member

Lolita_Sky

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Then just leave it and consider yourself lucky. Believe me, he will go find someone else to play this game with....and someone with no self esteem will engage.

 

Hard to believe but some people are just like this. Until I became involved with one I wouldn't have known because I (and normal people) don't think and act like they do. They are broken people who can't be fixed and not worth the hurt to try.

 

On a positive...once they know you know what they are....they vanish for good.

 

Read up on dating red flags so you can be sure to spot this earlier next time. Protect yourself!

 

That's why he claims he wants nothing to do with me. I called him out on his behavior he didn't want to face it and simply said "I'm done talking about this".

 

He hasn't once admitted that he was wrong in some aspect of the relationship. I caught this within just a few months of officially being with him.

 

I'm good at picking up on people's characters. His was a lot more subtle so it was hard to see it at first. Kind of like things are blurry because it's too close. But once you take a step back you can see the bigger picture.

Hopeful714 Established Member

Hopeful714

Posted
Posted

He'll never admit he's wrong.

 

Let some other poor fly get stuck in his web and have the life sucked out of them.

 

I can't help but kinda laugh that these guys think they can get away with this stuff...but then again, they do! Lol

  • Author
Lolita_Sky Established Member

Lolita_Sky

Posted
  • Author
Posted
He'll never admit he's wrong.

 

Let some other poor fly get stuck in his web and have the life sucked out of them.

 

I can't help but kinda laugh that these guys think they can get away with this stuff...but then again, they do! Lol

 

To an extent. Now I could have let this drag on for months...years even if I hadn't caught on to what he was doing.

 

He's a narcissist. He's not materialistic but he certainly does think in his eyes that he's amazing.

 

So glad I can see it for what it is now rather than much much later.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...