Confusedcompletely Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 My Boyfriend broke up with me a week ago. We both cried and it was definitely heartbreaking, but the next day I realised I wasn't as sad as I should be. I had caught him texting girls saying he didn't have a girlfriend, that I was just a bed buddy and he could be the same with the girls he was texting. This happened a couple of months after I caught him asking for explicit pictures and having explicit conversations with someone else. I'd given him a chance the first time because it never went further than texting. As for the second time...I don't know why I gave him another chance. I guess I believed him when he gave me his excuses (I feel stupid now for sticking around). The second time it happened I told him without a doubt I would leave if it happened again. I also made it clear that any sort of lie, be it about girls or something else, would be the end of us. Fast forward to last week, I catch him out in a lie. I told him while I still love him, I no longer trust him. Without trust we have nothing right? I ask him to take me home and that I would think about what I wanted to do. On the ride home, however, he rips into me about all the things he dislikes about me and found a way to turn it around so that it was HIM breaking up with ME. I couldn't believe it. Petty arguments was his main problem with me. Along with basically not being able to read his mind when he was upset about something. He told me it was causing him to fall out of love with me and felt it was inevitable that we would break up, so lets just do it now. The thing is that all his problems were valid, but they were also things we could have worked on. I told him if he had have been open with how he was feeling, it would have given me the opportunity to fix what was really just communication problems. He tells me I was the love of his life and spent his best days with me and then leaves. 10 minutes later I get a call from him, crying his heart out on the motorway. He was telling me that he made a mistake and said things in the heat of the moment and please take him back. Obviously I needed time to process everything so told him to give me some space and drive home carefully. After I tried to sort things through in my head I asked him if we could talk in person. He agreed to the day I asked to see him, however on the day he said he was too busy with work. I found out that he wasn't really busy, he just wanted to stay at home because he was tired. I ended it on the phone for good that night because I felt not only should he have come over anyway, he also lied once again. On Friday he took my stuff back to my house that I had left at his. At first he was acting like an absolute dick! He was angry and didn't want to talk. When we did talk he started blaming things on me that had nothing to do with the conversation. He then walked off to his car, only to text me 5 minutes later saying "Oh yeah, you're not even going to try to stop me leaving?" I told him he walked off, I wasn't going to run after him. A couple minutes later he's back at my door and I let him know "If you want to talk to me, don't walk off. If you want to talk about the relationship, don't put it off for no reason. If you want me back, don't break up with me". At the end of the conversation we agreed to have two weeks break, meet up again and see if we can be friends and work on our issues, with the possibility of starting a NEW relationship (not going back to the old one). My problem is that I don't feel like I want him back. Something shut off in that car ride home. I felt like I got emotionally beaten to a pulp and my emotions can't feel what they used to. There was so much resistance on his end to give up talking to girls the way he was. He also thought he could keep those girls as friends despite how it made me feel. Now there is no resistance because there is no relationship and I feel relieved. Relieved to not have to constantly worry or wonder or second guess what he says to me. I feel guilty that these emotions are so strong that I don't miss him. There's no tears falling for him and no urges to talk to him. This is not how I usually deal with break ups. The fact that I was going to most likely break up with him for lying has probably helped. Never have I broken up with someone without fully thinking it through and trying my hardest to keep the relationship going before hand. But I still thought I would feel some kind of sadness. I was in love with him. I really was. Despite the things I've written about, he was a great boyfriend. He was there for me when no one else was, he helped me in some of my worst times and just did so much to make sure I was happy. Why am I not sad to lose that? The only thing I am sad about is having to tell him that my feelings for him have completely changed and that there will be no friendship at the end of this two weeks. Am I a heartless, evil person for not feeling what is typical of a break up? Is it ok that I am just done with trying and fighting for our relationship, even though I absolutely loved him while we were together? Is it normal that those feelings of love seem to have disappeared, or are repressed by mistrust?
asdf24 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 You seem kind of sad because you are writting a novel about this. I think you are just having a good day and ranting.
Author Confusedcompletely Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 Thank you for your reply. I think it's safe to say I am sad, but not in the way I would expect/have felt in the past. The post was a bit of a novel and a rant but I wanted to make sure I explained why I felt the way I do, and then hopefully get some advice or hear other peoples experiences.
sabd Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Good for you! You can't be in a relationship with someone you can't trust and you stood up for your values and maintained good boundaries - you should be proud of yourself. You are by no means evil and heartless. You gave him plenty of warning about his behaviour and what the consequences would be and you followed through. You did well.
Lorelai Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Am I a heartless, evil person for not feeling what is typical of a break up? Is it ok that I am just done with trying and fighting for our relationship, even though I absolutely loved him while we were together? Is it normal that those feelings of love seem to have disappeared, or are repressed by mistrust? Sometimes anger really helps buffer emotions, and you had a lot to be angry about! When the guy I lived with for nearly five years dumped me, I was a total basket case. I'd never understood what people meant by saying their "heart was broken" until then -- I literally was feeling physical pain in my chest constantly for well over a week. I'd had a few little flareups of that feeling in the weeks before the split, like my subconscious was trying to tell me something, but didn't know what it was until the actual breakup came and it hit full-force. I couldn't eat, and could barely sleep. I had to take a few days off work. I was *messed up*. Then I learned that he'd been cheating on me, emotionally if not physically. Yes, I learned this by Google stalking, but something wasn't sitting right with me, and we'd agreed not to speak except about the logistics of separating our financial lives from each other for awhile. We had already set a date for that in-person discussion (at a restaurant) long before I learned he cheated. So I got to confront him at the restaurant... and he still lied to my face! Though it's possible that, for whatever reason, she was posting about being engaged when it wasn't actually true -- though there was no denying they'd been lovey-dovey online while he and I had been together, including Valentine's Day crap. I saw a picture he sent her of himself, that he'd asked me to take of him. Etc. About a week after the restaurant conversation, I realized just how pissed I was, and the reason I was pissed was that I was letting him get away with lying to me. So I sent one final email calling him on the lies, linking the posts she'd made showing off a diamond solitaire, discussing her plans to move to our state, etc. Though I did wait 3 days to hit send, trying to figure out if just writing the stuff out was enough -- it wasn't, because he still thought he'd gotten away with it and would until I did hit send. But I think I was getting better even then, even though I was pissed -- because I found some really weird crap the woman had posted. Apparently at one point she was young and needed the money, and was doing cam shows in clown makeup. If I'd sent him the advertisement for one of her cam shows, which indicated that night she'd be assisted by "Bibi, the lesbian cunnilinguist poodle" (I'm not joking, thank GOD there were no pictures left) ... well, he was enough of a prude it would have broken his brain worse than it broke mine. But I didn't. And after I told him off, I felt 1000 times better, and I moved on. Of course, it was pretty easy to do so when every time I thought about him, I kept picturing the poodle .
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