Gridlock Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Hey LS, If you want to know my backstory just read my previous postings, but in a nutshell I broke NC yesterday after about 2 months into the breakup. We broke up while she was studying abroad so it's been hard for me, but i'm doing generally well. I messaged her to say that I would be moving at the week's end and I wanted to speak to her before I left so that we could have a less heated and emotional conversation (last time we spoke was the breakup talk). At first I wanted to get more info on what happened because the breakup was sudden and she never gave me a real reason for what happened or why. Then I convinced myself that was a bad idea and that I was going to just say goodbye and tell her to keep being herself. I just wanted to say something because I didn't want the last thing I said to her before never seeing her again to be that we should breakup, she just meant more to me than that and I wanted to leave things on a good note. She hasn't replied to my message yet, and I'm kind of doubting that she will. Even though that kind of bothers me, it doesn't really change anything. I felt as though if I didn't try I would always regret it and so I did, breaking my NC in the process. I didn't have any ulterior motive (i.e: trying to get back, or fighting) just wanted to say goodbye to someone that has been a big part of my life living here. Has anyone else been through this kind of post-breakup moving scenario that can offer any advice?
Satu Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 You have to make your own decisions, but the only place where you'll find closure is inside yourself. 2
Author Gridlock Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 I know that i need to give myself closure, I'm just disappointed in myself for breaking NC, and angry at the fact that she didn't even care enough to say goodbye to me after four years spent together. I probably won't ever see her again and she could care less and knowing that hurts. Just another reason to not break NC. I'm in so much pain and I loved her so much, she just seems like the most two-faced person on the planet right now. 1
Mi7522 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 The problem with breaking NC is that when people do it they are still somewhat invested in the old relationship. When you can message your ex as a confident person it won't matter if you get a response or not. Until you're indifferent towards her my suggestion is to just move on with your life or you will just hurt yourself 3
Satu Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 *I know that i need to give myself closure, I'm just disappointed in myself for breaking NC *Learn from it and stick to NC. You dropped the ball. People do. 1
Author Gridlock Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 I'm just so tired of feeling this way. I love her and I don't want to. I struggle within my own mind everyday trying to find a moment of calm and relaxation, but the second I find myself in a peaceful moment she pops into my head and brings with her a whole mix of emotions. one moment I can be content and the next completely furious about it. It makes me wonder if I'll ever get better :'( 1
Mi7522 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 You'll get better trust me, when you regain your confidence this will be just a memory 3
smellysocksuni Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Hi, It's a really lame and boring answer, but in time these thoughts will decrease... I used to think of my ex every minute of the day, now I'd say it's a lot less... life just starts moving on, your mind will be occupied with other things. It just takes time - but you WILL get there. 2
Author Gridlock Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 Thanks everyone for your insight, it's so good to be talking with people who know what I'm going through. I always convince myself of the worst case scenario, and that's not a good thing when all you have are negative thoughts. I need to learn to think positively and regain my confidence. I feel so broken and unsure of everything I do these days, like I can't make a correct decision. Holding NC for two months (starting the very moment we broke up) was hard but it made me feel so good, and by sending her that message I feel like a dope. I'm angry with myself for being weak, and I feel like I probably looked desperate and pathetic to her. I need to stop overthinking everything because it hurts me so much and I'm in so much pain. I feel like I should be over her by now and that I should be better by now. It makes me feel so weak to think how she probably doesn't even have a second thought and here I am still grieving the relationship. 2
AaronSG Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I love her and I don't want to. First off please let me express my apologies that your going through such a trying time in your life. As many have hinted, or out right come out and said, it all gets more easy to deal with in time! Your 2 months since the breakup, at the 2 month mark for me I was still upside down and mentally irregular with just about everything. I'm 7 months and 13 days since my breakup, and yes, things have gotten more mellow, things have gotten more easy to deal and cope with, life for me is slowly returning to the "old normal" as I knew it before my ex-fiancé entered my life. But you said something in your post, the quote above, I just wanted to assure you that there's at least one person out there that feels as you do, and your talking to him, yeah, it's me! Your not alone, even over 7 months this by far is the last real remaining big time issue I am trying my best to deal with, and that is I still love her. I shouldn't, this woman and her odd family put me, my family and my friends into the trick bag. I shouldn't still somewhat care, but I do..........even after some of the following examples... 1. Her Father back in 2013 fakes the death of my ex-fiancé's Sister to guarder sympathy and pity, all so people would dump money into a fake funeral fund, which proved to be his personal pay pal account. 2. My ex-fiancé behind my back, and in private and secret told all my friends who drank alcohol that they were no longer welcome at our home. Due to childhood issues of her Fathers alcoholism, my fiends that pretty much were just social drinkers weren't allowed at the home anymore. 3. Her Family's constant "pity pot" and "boo hoo" story's about their plight in life, always using pity and guilt to be a conversation starter for their request of more and more money. 4. My ex-fiancé behind my back, in private had secret talks with my ex-wife, her Husband and my Son, telling them all that "Aaron's mine, telling my ex-wife that having me again will never happen, and telling my Son due to the problems he makes, none of them were welcome at our home, and I wondered why for 8-9 months straight my Son would never visit me. 5. Her Father a month before the breakup, tried to guilt trip his Daughter to coming back home to Ohio, they need help, they are struggling, they won't survive money wise without her, Aaron has cut his money off to us, he's nothing more than a walking liability now, not an asset boo hoo hoo......it wasn't working, Dad pulls out the ace of spades! Knowing my ex-fiancé's loyalty to the Lord, he told her that around that time he had touched the family cross in the living room at was hit with a powerful and divine message from the Lord, God told him that his Daughter needed to come home, Aaron's a bad guy, Aaron is going to hurt her, and of course.......the family really needs her help ((cough --disability check -- Cough)) to survive.......she bought it! So as you can see those are only a few examples of what I dealt with, and even after some of those cruel and strange things I still find myself loving her! The only thing that really keeps my head on straight and prevents me from reaching out is thinking.......she's toxic......her family is borderline.......she and everyone is highly dysfunctional and exhibits poor money management skills. She comes from childhood abuse both mental, verbal and possibly sexual. The Fathers morphine addictions and alcoholism and rage, the Dad is a narcissist, her Mother is "battered wife syndromed" out and my ex-fiancé might be nothing more than a sociopath in training ........plus Dad's got a gun! I just keep reminding myself of the bad and it surprisingly is a help towards keeping on moving forward and not reaching back to her. I wish you the best of luck, stay NC for life with her and it will help the process! 3
Author Gridlock Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 Thank you so much for that caring thought out response Aaron. Reading that helped me. It's so hard for me to talk to anyone or even bring myself to come onto the site and post instead of reading other peoples posts because I feel like I'm constantly complaining about my pain. I don't talk to my friends about it because I don't want to alienate them. This whole scenario crushed my self-esteem and my confidence and I feel unlovable and worthless. I can't see myself now loving again and I just feel so alone.
AaronSG Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) It's so hard for me to talk to anyone or even bring myself to come onto the site and post instead of reading other peoples posts because I feel like I'm constantly complaining about my pain. First off I hear you, I understand it real hard for you to come to this web site and open up and share your situation and your pain, I understand that. But I learned about 7 months ago, if I don't open up and share, I won't begin to heal, and if I didn't start to heal I would be stuck in a serious rut! So I made the choice to join some local support groups that deal with breakups and unhealthy relationships. Do you think I wanted to stand up and introduce myself....."Hi my name is Aaron and I'm a serious codependent person"! You got to open up, you got to let it all out, you got to talk to your friends, family and us here on LoveShack. Don't worry about being judged, don't worry about if it always sounds like your complaining! I'd rather see 1000 posts from you about the same thing, then hear that you made the choice to keep all your hurts and feeling locked up inside and one day you couldn't take it anymore and someone on this site reports that you put a gun to your head and blew your brains out! Granted I was just a little dramatic there, but it has happened. Reading people posts is great, I do it all the time, but also remember it's equally important to share, even if you think we don't want to hear it, screw us, screw it if no one wants to hear it, screw them, screw us, don't you give a damn about laying it on us one more time, your feelings are more important than what people might think. This whole scenario crushed my self-esteem and my confidence and I feel unlovable and worthless. I can't see myself now loving again and I just feel so alone. I hear you, what you've gone through can be a real sucker punch to the gut, I know, I was punched the same way. I to had, and some what still do have some self-esteem issues, so don't worry about thinking your the only one, nope, your not alone. Here it is for me, over 7 months later and I still to this day find myself shaking my head and thinking "was I nothing but a joy ride" to this woman, sometimes feeling like all I was to this woman was a piece of money glazed chopped liver! When one think of them self in the same sentence as "chopped liver" that doesn't bode to well for ones self esteem! But through my support groups and talking to close friends and family and from what I get here on LoveShack, I've elevated my self worth from "chopped liver" to fine restaurant quality ground beef! Perhaps one day I'll be elevated back to fine angus steak status and that a wonderful woman out there would like to get her teeth into it, who knows, it can happen! I'll let you in on a little secret............we will love again! This isn't the end of our lives here, yeah, we got kicked in the teeth, we got sucker punched in the gut, we were emotionally left for dead, but were not dead..........starting to think my ex-fiancé might have been a little dead in her heart.......but you and me, we ain't dead, believe it or not we are very much alive and living and feeling! Just try to be good to yourself, treat yourself right, be understanding with yourself, but more importantly, and this is something I have been seriously working on, be patient with yourself. And know that one day this will all be behind us, yeah, we might remember these times years down the road, but we will be more neutral about it, less emotional, less pain and hurt, perhaps we might one day just have a little chuckle and wonder why we allowed ourselves to go through countless days if not months of pinging for someone who come to find out wasn't worth pinging over in the first place. If I may be so bold, the following tips might help with your progression of "moving on"! 1. First major rule....no contact, no contact and oh yeah...more no contact! 2. Ditch her phone number, remove it and delete it off your phone! (this is what I did) 3. Remove and Block her from all forms of social media, Facebook, G+, Twitter, if it's social media, she shouldn't be there with you...remove & block! (Me personally I just went ahead and deleted my Facebook account) 4. Block her e-mail address with your e-mail service provider! (Done, done and oh yeah, more done) 5. Go to your local Post Office and request a "stop halt block", that's what they call it! You'll give them your ex's home or mailing address and they'll set it up in the computer that mail from her won't be allowed to hit your mail box. (I did this and feel good about it) 6. Be very careful with your music listening! Try as best you can to stay away from any forms of music or tunes or songs that might have been "your guy's songs"! To much listening to the old love stuff can weaken your heart and perhaps tempt you into breaking things like "no contact"! (7 month later and I'm still playing it safe by filtering and rationing my music listening) 7. Like with the music, be very careful with the TV and movies you choose to watch! I wouldn't be to quick to turn on your TV, fire up Netflix and sit down and watch a movie that you both deemed to be your favorite with her. Be careful, like with music, to much watching the old love stuff can tempt you into doing something stupid, like breaking no contact. (7 months later and I still have to some what filter my movie watching) 8. And personal items left by her should be either disposed of quickly and or packed up in a card board box and stored some place far and hard to reach, "out of sight out of mind"! (For myself, I made several runs to thrift stores and donated a lot of her items left behind. The rest got tossed into the dumpster, and the rare things that I wanted to keep, but couldn't handle having them around me at the time, got boxed up and are now enjoying their stay atop my Mom's garage rafters!) 9. Filter the people around you! If you've got some friend or family member that all they want to do is talk about the breakup and they become a broken record about it, stop them, tell them some talk is fine, but rehashing isn't! (I had to tell some in my life, you keep talking about it and keep breaking my heart, I might just break your face, little dramatic, but you get the hint!) 10. If it ever appears that it looks like you can't handle things on your own and you feel like your on the edge, seek professional help. Get some help, shrink, therapist, life coach, pastor, clergy.......whoever it is, just if it looks like you can't hang, get some help. (I have a shrink, nothing to be ashamed of) 11. Any photo's or images you might have of her say on your computer need to come off! Perhaps do as I did, I bought a cheap small 2 Gig USB flash drive, took all the photo's and images and video clips of her off my hard drive by transferring them all onto the flash drive. Once done I went about deleting them all off my computer! Then I turned around and gave a super close friend the USB flash drive and ordered him that no matter how much I might beg, cry, scream, demand or threaten, your not to give this back to me for 1 year! Just something to think about! 12. Keep talking, keep posting, just keep trying your best to "get it out"! Hope any of this helps in some way! Edited March 17, 2015 by AaronSG 1
Author Gridlock Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 Thank you everyone for your support, and thank you Aaron for that post because it helped me this morning. No matter how good I feel when I go to sleep, I wake up a wreck and have to start all over each day (it's getting easier). I woke up today and went to this thread and just re-read all of the replies to remind myself where I was yesterday and it helped me to re-align my thinking. I've taken most of the steps you listed towards moving-on, except the ones that I just can't do (i.e losing her phone number; I unfortunately have it memorized anyway). I re-blocked her on social media after I tried to reach out and say goodbye before I moved out of state and she didn't respond. I can't understand why she couldn't have responded with "I don't want to talk" or something similar, but to just say nothing? We dated for four years and I just wanted to say goodbye to someone that had been a big part of my life while living here. It seems dumb to me now, but I wanted to leave things with her on a better note than having the breakup talk be the last things we ever say to each other. It's the first thing I ever said to her since we broke up and I went NC, so it hurts that she doesn't care enough to give me the time of day.
Author Gridlock Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 So, I got a reply to the message I sent to her. It was full of nice things, compliments, how great of a person I am and that I'm wished the best. I'm not exactly sure how to feel. I guess if I was forced to describe this feeling it would be that I'm disappointed in myself for sending anything in the first place when I probably knew inside that I wasn't ready for contact. I can't be indifferent about it and it just feels cold... nothing like the warm feelings I used to get talking to her. I'm just this incredible guy that she doesn't want to be with and I still don't know why and nothing has changed. Why did I ever think that it was a good idea to contact when I'm still angry and can't forgive? What will I do the next time I get low enough to want to reach out? The whole thing makes me feel weak-willed.
Cupid's Puppet Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 My ex acted the same way - paid me a lot of compliments that gave me nothing but mixed signals. Looking back, I think he just did that to leave a positive memory of himself. I got a "kill her with kindness" type of vibe from the whole thing. Truth is, we are not all that great to them. They wouldn't have left us if we are all that great to them. All those flowery words were said for their benefit. To speak indifferently like you were a kind stranger they met on a bus one day is a part of their moving on. Now they can talk to us and wish us well and mean it because they've moved on. "The sweeeeeeetest woman in the world can be the meeeeeeanest woman in the world." LOL (Thin Line Between Love and Hate reference)
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