xpaperxcutx Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Where do I begin? I just got dumped 3 weeks into a relationship because I said something that I didn't mean. This guy, S, and I are classmates in an IT program, and we had only know each other for 2 months before he asked me to be his girlfriend. The thing was I was uncertain about our relationship (I had recently gotten out of an LTR) and to accommodate me, we decided to keep our relationship a secret from the rest of our classmates. I really wanted to take things slow because I was having some issues with trust and it seemed like he understood me that our most basic interactions consists of taking the train together to go to class, and sometimes hugging. We didn't even kiss until recently. I got dumped this past Friday because while I finally decided to let him kiss me, I decided to say in the heat of the moment ( me and my stupid self-control) and I told him my ex was muslim and I hated muslim people. I don't know why I said it to his face like that but he took it offensively and he left. The thing is the new guy is muslim too and I really don't hate muslims, but it's just that he reminded me so much of my ex, I accidentally said what I said and ended up offending him. We spoke in text over the weekend and he said while he can't erase what I said, it would be best if we only be friends. I guess I'm somewhat butt-hurt about the rejection, but at the same time I'm in no position to really beg someone back who already decided he doesn't want to be with me (been there, and done that with my LTR ex). Can someone give me any kind of insight or opinions in how I can proceed from here? I'm okay with being friends since our interaction didn't have me falling head over heels for him. I did ended up liking him and his presence made me forget about my ex. But at the same time, I also feel like our friendship is damaged. He didn't come to class today and I am worried for him. I want to be a supportive friend but he hasn't spoken to me.
Zahara Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 It's obvious that you have unresolved issues from your past relationship and seeing that it self-sabotaged your interactions with him, regardless of whether it's a relationship or friendship, I don't think you're good for him or yourself in any capacity. I don't believe you have a friendship with him anymore or any sort of true dynamic in terms of being friends. If he engages or interacts with you, then you can reciprocate. Otherwise, just give him his space and let him be. 1
Eighty_nine Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 sorry, but i don't think there's any coming back from that. i'm a white atheist and if anyone ever said anything discriminatory about any group to me, for any reason, that'd be it for them. 3
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 It's obvious that you have unresolved issues from your past relationship and seeing that it self-sabotaged your interactions with him, regardless of whether it's a relationship or friendship, I don't think you're good for him or yourself in any capacity. I don't believe you have a friendship with him anymore or any sort of true dynamic in terms of being friends. If he engages or interacts with you, then you can reciprocate. Otherwise, just give him his space and let him be. Zahara, thank you for the input. The reason I even tried to reach out to him because I'm just a caring person, and I know he personally have health issues, so I was concerned. Usually we go to class together, and lately it's been that when I don't contact him to go to class, he generally doesn't come at all. I have been giving him his space and I know my boundaries when it comes to contacting people in general. Just today, I shot a text making sure he was okay but he hasn't replied. I guess he's still angry with me. 1
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 sorry, but i don't think there's any coming back from that. i'm a white atheist and if anyone ever said anything discriminatory about any group to me, for any reason, that'd be it for them. I'm not a racist person at all. In fact I actually have nothing against Muslims. I don't even know why I said what I did, but at the time, in my mind, I was thinking and wishing that the new guy had known my ex had hurt me badly. For some reason, those words just spewed out of my mouth. I have a lot of Muslim friends personally, some I have known for years. I have nothing against the people or religion, yet, everytime I see something that relates to Muslims, I am reminded of my ex. 1
Zahara Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Zahara, thank you for the input. The reason I even tried to reach out to him because I'm just a caring person, and I know he personally have health issues, so I was concerned. Usually we go to class together, and lately it's been that when I don't contact him to go to class, he generally doesn't come at all. I have been giving him his space and I know my boundaries when it comes to contacting people in general. Just today, I shot a text making sure he was okay but he hasn't replied. I guess he's still angry with me. I don't blame him for being angry. You have to be realistic in that who would want to be friends with you when you attack them that way. I don't think you have a friendship with him anymore. He's managed his health issues way before you came along so he's going to do fine now that you are no more in his life. You may think you are caring but after what you did, I don't think he has the same view of you anymore. 1
Zahara Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I have a lot of Muslim friends personally, some I have known for years. I have nothing against the people or religion, yet, everytime I see something that relates to Muslims, I am reminded of my ex. So, do you tell your friends you hate them because they're muslims as well? 3
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 I don't blame him for being angry. You have to be realistic in that who would want to be friends with you when you attack them that way. I don't think you have a friendship with him anymore. He's managed his health issues way before you came along so he's going to do fine now that you are no more in his life. You may think you are caring but after what you did, I don't think he has the same view of you anymore. He was the one to suggest the friendship. I asked him for his forgiveness over the weekend, but he said he will only see me as a friend from now. I'm really sad that something that had potential didn't work out and I seem to always self-sabotage due to fear. I never expected any of this to begin with. I never meant to attack him, his beliefs or religion for that matter. Honestly, my whole experience was with my ex was a nightmare; the only good that had came out of it was I did end looking more into Islam and the Quran. And at the same time, while I was just accepting that I was going to be single, the new guy comes into my life; and he was Muslim as well. I got anxious and scared about all the coincidences in my life and I just f-ed everything up. 1
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 (edited) So, do you tell your friends you hate them because they're muslims as well? No I don't. I have never said anything like that to my friends, in any way, shape or form. The thing is when I'm around the guy, I get anxious; something about him reminded me of my ex and I go into defense mode. Mind you, I was in a really toxic relationship, where my ex was controlling. Towards the end of that relationship, he was calling me really bad names, and I suffered extremely low self esteem. The new guy, I couldn't trust him. I feel like he is always a completely different person in different circumstances and so I was very guarded. I wasn't intentionally attacking him. We were kissing for the first time and because it was getting too much, the way he was kissing me, I started panicking. Edited March 16, 2015 by xpaperxcutx 1
Satu Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Do not say hateful things to people for any reason. Words can wound as deeply as a knife. Here is a motto I made for myself, and I live by it: "I only offer the best of myself to others. The less than best, I work on in my own time." Think about what that means. 3
Zahara Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 He was the one to suggest the friendship. I asked him for his forgiveness over the weekend, but he said he will only see me as a friend from now. I'm really sad that something that had potential didn't work out and I seem to always self-sabotage due to fear. I think suggesting it was just his way of being polite and calming the situation. It's probably taken him a bit of time for all of it to settle in his mind and maybe now he is rethinking it and really doesn't want to pursue a friendship. If you identify you self-sabotage, then work on your unresolved issues before contemplating dating or getting involved. I never expected any of this to begin with. I never meant to attack him, his beliefs or religion for that matter. Honestly, my whole experience was with my ex was a nightmare; the only good that had came out of it was I did end looking more into Islam and the Quran. And at the same time, while I was just accepting that I was going to be single, the new guy comes into my life; and he was Muslim as well. I got anxious and scared about all the coincidences in my life and I just f-ed everything up. I've had a few crappy past boyfriends of different races and never have I insulted someone of their race because of what my exs did to me. And if your ex is showing up in your head and causing you to react this badly, you need to stay away from dating and just focus on working on yourself. 1
Satu Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 The new guy, I couldn't trust him. I feel like he is always a completely different person in different circumstances and so I was very guarded. I wasn't intentionally attacking him. We were kissing for the first time and because it was getting too much, the way he was kissing me, I started panicking. Consider some short term counselling to help you recover from what you suffered in that previous relationship.
Diezel Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 How to proceed? Stay single for a while. Maybe get some help for those unresolved issues. Things didn't mess up, you messed them up. How is that even a reaction to a kiss? 2
gaius Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Maybe you just really don't like Muslims, because from what I remember you used to insult your ex-boyfriend as well. Which there's nothing wrong with. But if that's the case you should probably stop dating them. =/ 1
SawtoothMars Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 No I don't. I have never said anything like that to my friends, in any way, shape or form. The thing is when I'm around the guy, I get anxious; something about him reminded me of my ex and I go into defense mode. Mind you, I was in a really toxic relationship, where my ex was controlling. Towards the end of that relationship, he was calling me really bad names, and I suffered extremely low self esteem. The new guy, I couldn't trust him. I feel like he is always a completely different person in different circumstances and so I was very guarded. I wasn't intentionally attacking him. We were kissing for the first time and because it was getting too much, the way he was kissing me, I started panicking. Crap PaperC... This sounds bad on the surface, but I think you did this on purpose to save yourself 1000 miles of heartache. In a few weeks you will be over this and thanking your subconscious. Seriously... there are some nice and very handsome Muslim guys out there, but dating them will nearly always be a giant pain in the @ss. Unless they are completely westernized to the point where they don't practice... these guys and their families have insane gender expectations for women. My aunt married a Muslim for about 3 years. He was a great guy... but his mother was bat$hit crazy about my aunt slaving away 24/7 to cater to her "perfect little boy's" every whim and desire. Also... sometimes these guys get more religious with age... in which case you can wind up the star of a beheading video. 2
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 How to proceed? Stay single for a while. Maybe get some help for those unresolved issues. Things didn't mess up, you messed them up. How is that even a reaction to a kiss? It wasn't just a kiss; he literally held me against the wall and started kissing me. This was the first person I had kissed aside from my ex in 3 years.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 Maybe you just really don't like Muslims, because from what I remember you used to insult your ex-boyfriend as well. Which there's nothing wrong with. But if that's the case you should probably stop dating them. =/ In regards to how I behaved towards my ex, I was very immature at the time. I dated him when I was 22 to now. I learned a lot about how I should treat people, and so far, I have had so much more self-control in terms of what I say and how I should behave. Unfortunately, this was the one slip-up that's ruined things for me. I realize that I can't do anything to fix it no matter how I apologize. And I don't hate Muslims. I'm trying to learn Islam myself; I guess I just hate getting hurt again by another guy.
Zahara Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 It wasn't just a kiss; he literally held me against the wall and started kissing me. This was the first person I had kissed aside from my ex in 3 years. You only mentioned you allowed him to kiss you and then you reacted. I'm not sure why you left out the part about the wall and him going at it and you're now only mentioning it -- if you think that justifies what you said, it doesn't. 1
Satu Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Just make a decision to heal yourself from your hurts. Then you can move forward without hurting someone yourself.
SawtoothMars Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 And I don't hate Muslims. I'm trying to learn Islam myself; I guess I just hate getting hurt again by another guy. Ugh... I went through that phase too right around 21. Do yourself a favor and research the historical context along with the Quran. I think what bothered me most was that Muhammad would "talk with God" and come out with new proclamations as fitted his situation. For example... if Muhammad wanted to have an extra wife he would talk to God and miraculously God would agree. The guy went all the way up to 9 wives. The religion's basic formula is If you follow X commandment God will bless you with Y reward. I personally believe all false religions follow this equation. 1
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 You only mentioned you allowed him to kiss you and then you reacted. I'm not sure why you left out the part about the wall and him going at it and you're now only mentioning it -- if you think that justifies what you said, it doesn't. Zahara, Im not justifying my actions. There's absolutely. Nothing that can justify the thing I said especially when it involves a whole group of people; all the while it was simply one person who had hurt me. Obviously this is a lesson for me. I always have to be careful of the things I say. 1
Zahara Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Zahara, Im not justifying my actions. There's absolutely. Nothing that can justify the thing I said especially when it involves a whole group of people; all the while it was simply one person who had hurt me. Obviously this is a lesson for me. I always have to be careful of the things I say. Try to put this behind you. I know it is hard but you've got much healing to do and you mentioned that you've come quite a ways in changes you've tried to make for yourself. Keep pushing forward and working on your self-reflection. It's one thing to be careful of what you say, in that it's always good to have a filter but where these words are coming from is what you should be working on. I think you should stay away from men/dating for awhile and try to get through your unresolved pains and fears. 1
callingyouuu Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Try to put this behind you. I know it is hard but you've got much healing to do and you mentioned that you've come quite a ways in changes you've tried to make for yourself. Keep pushing forward and working on your self-reflection. Agreed. It's over. No going back, just focus on moving forward. Also... sometimes these guys get more religious with age... in which case you can wind up the star of a beheading video. This is such a ridiculous, insensitive statement to make.
DazedandConfused8 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Where do I begin? I just got dumped 3 weeks into a relationship because I said something that I didn't mean. This guy, S, and I are classmates in an IT program, and we had only know each other for 2 months before he asked me to be his girlfriend. The thing was I was uncertain about our relationship (I had recently gotten out of an LTR) and to accommodate me, we decided to keep our relationship a secret from the rest of our classmates. I really wanted to take things slow because I was having some issues with trust and it seemed like he understood me that our most basic interactions consists of taking the train together to go to class, and sometimes hugging. We didn't even kiss until recently. I got dumped this past Friday because while I finally decided to let him kiss me, I decided to say in the heat of the moment ( me and my stupid self-control) and I told him my ex was muslim and I hated muslim people. I don't know why I said it to his face like that but he took it offensively and he left. The thing is the new guy is muslim too and I really don't hate muslims, but it's just that he reminded me so much of my ex, I accidentally said what I said and ended up offending him. We spoke in text over the weekend and he said while he can't erase what I said, it would be best if we only be friends. I guess I'm somewhat butt-hurt about the rejection, but at the same time I'm in no position to really beg someone back who already decided he doesn't want to be with me (been there, and done that with my LTR ex). Can someone give me any kind of insight or opinions in how I can proceed from here? I'm okay with being friends since our interaction didn't have me falling head over heels for him. I did ended up liking him and his presence made me forget about my ex. But at the same time, I also feel like our friendship is damaged. He didn't come to class today and I am worried for him. I want to be a supportive friend but he hasn't spoken to me. I think you're hurting that this guy dumped you because you're racist. It's okay. You've made your choices; live with them.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) I think you're hurting that this guy dumped you because you're racist. It's okay. You've made your choices; live with them. I'm not a racist, and I have never been racist. I sympathesize with a lot of Muslims- including what's happened to the Palestinians. I have never hated Muslims. When I said what I said, the only thought in my mind was my ex. If I was going through the Five Stages of Grief right now, I feel like I'm at stage 2- ANGER. Honestly, my ex broke up with me early in the year. Stupid me, tried to keep in contact with him and he told me he asked another girl to be his girlfriend the very next day after he had broken it off with me. And then I did the whole pleading and crying; incessant begging to the point he blocked me from contacting him. Then he contacted me again to tell me to wait for him when his new girl messes up. Looking back, I was literally crying everyday, wanting to just to be able to talk or text him. I had put my ex on a pedestal. This new guy came in and I swear, I see my ex in him. And it scared the hell out of me. Even though we took things really slow, I projected my last relationship into this thing we had, and I grew anxious by the day that I was going to get hurt. I feel like, I consciously said what I said just to push him away. And it was the end-game for us. Edited March 17, 2015 by xpaperxcutx
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