markleymassraff Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 This is directed at women, but I am open to anyone replying in this thread (not that I could stop you anyway). Anyway, my question is this: given that dating has become so casual nowadays, and we often don't even refer to things as "dates" or "dating" and often don't do the come-to-my-place-and-pick-me-up-with-flowers-in-hand thing anymore, well, how do we say to someone who has asked us to "hang out"...well, how do we say no to that person? A guy I know from a distance through others has recently Facebook messaged me and said "You're awesome. We should hang out some time." I don't want to hang out with this person; he's a person who, based on looks, personality, and even just what I know of his background, is someone I'm not interested in - just content to have him as a FB friend who I barely know, that kinda thing. Well, how do I say no, given that he hasn't asked for a date? When people ask to 'hang out'...and you say no, I'm not dating right now or I have someone...well, the easy comeback for them is "I was just asking to hang out...don't flatter yourself." I'm not saying this guy would say that or that most guys would be like that (hostile). But it's sort of annoying that the term "hang out" has made it almost impossible to say no to someone, lest you look like you're flattering yourself. No guy asks me to hang out unless they're romantically interested in me, at least not in my experience. The only men I've had genuinely just want to hang out with me are men who I became friends with in a natural group/social way in which they never sought me out or had to go out of their way to be around me; we were just around each other, became friendly (again in contexts in which they never had to or did single me out and ask for coffee or lunch), and at some point we were friendly enough with each other that we were truly friends and confidantes. But guys who just know you online and you don't have any common friends who actually hang out together and just want you to hang out with them -- just you and the guy -- they're almost always romantically interested. So...anyway, how do you women handle it when a guy asks to "hang out" but you don't wanna? I am not able to tell this guy I'm seeing someone because I happened to post the other day that I'm not. So...anyway. Thoughts?
Author markleymassraff Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 He also followed up with a specific time, date, and place. So he didn't just make this casual suggestion and leave it at that. He is making plans.
Mx12345 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I had the same thing happen. A casual fb acquaintance messaged me asking to hang out awhile back. I replied that I wasn't looking to go out with anyone at the moment but thank you for asking. He replied he wasn't asking me on a date just a casual lunch or something but no worries. I was confused and felt stupid. I assumed he was asking me out. Which I still think he probably was but wheni turned him down he tried to deflect the situation. I would still just say no, I'm not interested, but thank you for the offer. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I'm pretty direct & value precise language. I would ask for clarification: Are we "hanging out" as just friends, going Dutch & I'm welcome to bring others or is this a date? Such an in your face response would be accompanied by a wink or touch to show I'm hoping it's a date or a softer follow up, or teasing voice etc. 3
Author markleymassraff Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 I had the same thing happen. A casual fb acquaintance messaged me asking to hang out awhile back. I replied that I wasn't looking to go out with anyone at the moment but thank you for asking. He replied he wasn't asking me on a date just a casual lunch or something but no worries. I was confused and felt stupid. I assumed he was asking me out. Which I still think he probably was but wheni turned him down he tried to deflect the situation. I would still just say no, I'm not interested, but thank you for the offer. That's exactly what I'm talking about. "I wasn't asking you on a date..." It's happened to me before too; this isn't the first time. And I don't remember what I said, probably the same as you. To be fair, sometimes guys have not tried to act like they weren't asking you out. I've had a couple just say "okay that's cool" and not try to "retract." But more often, they say something like "having a little dinner wouldn't have hurt anything. Don't be so paranoid! :)" or whatever. who knows.
Author markleymassraff Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 donnivain, good point...i might just ask directly.
elliecoffee Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Well, one option could be: aw sorry I'm busy that day we could reschedule later, k? and the 'later' never comes. That's what I do 2
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Well, one option could be: aw sorry I'm busy that day we could reschedule later, k? and the 'later' never comes. That's what I do That's playing games which causes more problems then is solves. Most guys who use the phrase "hang out" are nervous anyway & a bit worried about rejection. Throwing it out there casually guards their hearts & egos. It's tough to always be the one who had to make the 1st move. Why make their lives harder? That's mean. If you like him too & he uses vague words, communicate that this is a safe space for him to risk asking you out because you are not going to reject him. 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Well, one option could be: aw sorry I'm busy that day we could reschedule later, k? and the 'later' never comes. That's what I do If you don't want to go, don't pretend you do. Playing games is what kids do. Real adults don't pull that crap. 2
Versacehottie Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I would give the vague "yeah we should do that sometime" (which btw works for acquaintances i don't really want to spend time with either). With a guy the tone says it all, I think. If he tries to set a specific date and time, say it doesn't work for you and don't suggest an alternative. If it got so ugly as the guy saying directly to you, well don't flatter yourself---I'd probably let him run with that. Basically he's just exposing one of the reasons I wasn't so interested (hostile type personality who doesn't take rejection well and immature) and who cares. You both "know" really what the deal was. If he needs to frame it that way to get over the rejection, I'm confident enough to live with that.
Versacehottie Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 ps I realize the "direct" response is the right thing to do. Similar to OP, that kind of direct confrontation is not my style. Maybe you could also say, "I'm too busy to hang out/or I don't see us hanging out". Then he will try to explain further with his real intentions which will be easier to discuss at that time or drop it.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I would give the vague "yeah we should do that sometime" (which btw works for acquaintances i don't really want to spend time with either). With a guy the tone says it all, I think. If he tries to set a specific date and time, say it doesn't work for you and don't suggest an alternative. If it got so ugly as the guy saying directly to you, well don't flatter yourself---I'd probably let him run with that. Basically he's just exposing one of the reasons I wasn't so interested (hostile type personality who doesn't take rejection well and immature) and who cares. You both "know" really what the deal was. If he needs to frame it that way to get over the rejection, I'm confident enough to live with that. No, a guy will get pissy because we hate Women who play games with words. You can conveniently frame them for that as your reason all along, but the problem is really you. Being straightforward is best for all parties - that way you don't get a guy who keeps asking you different times, because he thinks you're still interested.
TunaCat Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I'm extremely direct, and if someone invited me to "hang out" and I didn't want to hang out with them, I would just say that I am not interested. Case closed.
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I'm extremely direct, and if someone invited me to "hang out" and I didn't want to hang out with them, I would just say that I am not interested. Case closed. This isn't about somebody you don't like. Just the opposite. What do you do when asked to hang out (which could mean anything) when you really want to know if the guy is asking you for a date?
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 This isn't about somebody you don't like. Just the opposite. What do you do when asked to hang out (which could mean anything) when you really want to know if the guy is asking you for a date? If you want it to be a date, you flirtatiously ask them if it's a date If its far enough in advance, it usually means its a date. If its spontaneous plans, its more likely just a hangout. 1
Versacehottie Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 No, a guy will get pissy because we hate Women who play games with words. You can conveniently frame them for that as your reason all along, but the problem is really you. Being straightforward is best for all parties - that way you don't get a guy who keeps asking you different times, because he thinks you're still interested. I know you are right ethically but a pissy guy is exactly why I wouldn't have a more direct conversation with someone like this. OP obviously has some concerns that this guy will be like this. Actually she could have presented the same scenario but if the guy was a sweetheart she'd be saying she didn't want to hurt his feelings or that she treated him poorly to get back to their mutual friends. And that sort of person would deserve a direct answer and you know they would do right by it. You are right ethically, but I don't know if pissy guys deserve proper treatment. I surely wouldn't alter my behavior for a brat like that. The problem really is him. He is not enticing enough for her to consider dating him. His pissy-ness undoubtedly part of the problem.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I know you are right ethically but a pissy guy is exactly why I wouldn't have a more direct conversation with someone like this. OP obviously has some concerns that this guy will be like this. Actually she could have presented the same scenario but if the guy was a sweetheart she'd be saying she didn't want to hurt his feelings or that she treated him poorly to get back to their mutual friends. And that sort of person would deserve a direct answer and you know they would do right by it. You are right ethically, but I don't know if pissy guys deserve proper treatment. I surely wouldn't alter my behavior for a brat like that. The problem really is him. He is not enticing enough for her to consider dating him. His pissy-ness undoubtedly part of the problem. Um a pissy guy is all the more reason to be direct. You just say "No Thanks, I don't think we're going to get along " and block their facebook/phone number.
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I know you are right ethically but a pissy guy is exactly why I wouldn't have a more direct conversation with someone like this. OP obviously has some concerns that this guy will be like this. Actually she could have presented the same scenario but if the guy was a sweetheart she'd be saying she didn't want to hurt his feelings or that she treated him poorly to get back to their mutual friends. And that sort of person would deserve a direct answer and you know they would do right by it. You are right ethically, but I don't know if pissy guys deserve proper treatment. I surely wouldn't alter my behavior for a brat like that. The problem really is him. He is not enticing enough for her to consider dating him. His pissy-ness undoubtedly part of the problem. I missed something. I thought in the example the guy got pissy AFTER the woman played games instead of being clear. While pissy-ness is a turn off so is game playing. If anyone is asked out on a date or to hang out, saying No thank you is fine. If it's the date / time that is inconvenient, it's polite to suggest an alternative that does work & negotiate a mutually convenient time / date. It's game playing to say no & silently hope the other person figures out that you want to be chased & want the other person to suggest an alternative date / time. In fact, most people who say no outright are saying no to the person & don't want the follow up question. Clarity is important & things go haywire without it when people make assumptions.
Author markleymassraff Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 OP here. Here's how it's gone. About four days ago, HIM: "____, you're awesome. We should hang out some time." (his "you're awesome" probably related to some stuff I do in my community/city -- volunteering, social/political activism stuff) Me, a few hours later: "Yeah, that'd be nice!" Him, the next day or so: "I should be in town next weekend. We can get something to eat and maybe have some drinks." (he's not super long-distance or anything, but maybe a 50 minute drive away but comes into my area often enough that dating me wouldn't be unheard of.) I'm thinking of just not responding. Or as some of you said, saying I'm busy that weekend and just not offering an alternative.
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I'm thinking of just not responding. Or as some of you said, saying I'm busy that weekend and just not offering an alternative. {bangs head on computer} If you like him why the heck would you do that? It's counterproductive. If you don't like him, simply say Thanks but no thanks.
Author markleymassraff Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 {bangs head on computer} If you like him why the heck would you do that? It's counterproductive. If you don't like him, simply say Thanks but no thanks. I don't like him. I'm not sure where you got the idea that I like him. As far as why not say thanks but no thanks, I think you're missing the point of the thread. It's uncomfortable for women (and men too) to have to say "no, I'm not interested in you." I know I'm physically able to say/write those words; the point is that it makes people uncomfortable to disappoint/hurt others. Even if they are not going to be hostile, you know that after you say "I'm not interested," they're going to hold it against you in whatever way. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 OP here. Here's how it's gone. About four days ago, HIM: "____, you're awesome. We should hang out some time." (his "you're awesome" probably related to some stuff I do in my community/city -- volunteering, social/political activism stuff) Me, a few hours later: "Yeah, that'd be nice!" Him, the next day or so: "I should be in town next weekend. We can get something to eat and maybe have some drinks." (he's not super long-distance or anything, but maybe a 50 minute drive away but comes into my area often enough that dating me wouldn't be unheard of.) I'm thinking of just not responding. Or as some of you said, saying I'm busy that weekend and just not offering an alternative. Well you already shot yourself in the foot by agreeing to hang out. But if you changed your mind, I would just tell him that you're not interested any longer, and you can even throw in an excuse saying you're too busy at this point in your life. Just make it clear that you're not interested period. You already said "Yeah that'd be nice" when the guy worked up the courage to ask, so by ignoring him or being unclear, you are being very disrespectful to him.
Author markleymassraff Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 And reasons why I would not say it but instead just not respond is that both will have the same result: he would know i'm not interested. Yet by not responding I don't have to deal with the possibility that he will say sh*t about it. Maybe he wouldn't, but on the chance that he would, I can just avoid it. It's not exactly a huge deal. This is a person who doesn't even know me in person. It's not the same as going out on three dates with someone and dropping out. Or going on one or two dates, having sex, and just dropping out. I'm not saying ignoring a person, ever, is a good thing. But I can safely say that when I've been ignored by a person who I never invested anything, really, in, nor did they invest anything in me, I didn't get particularly upset or anything when I never heard from them about our vague plan and unconfirmed plan to do whatever.
Author markleymassraff Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 You're right though. He's not some bad guy or anything. I may still respond with a decline. Haven't decided yet. My point is...it wouldn't be a huge deal if I didn't. I wrote this thread only in part for advice. I am an adult and will make a decision as to what I want to do in my situation. It was a survey of how women handle these things...I know other women go through it too, so I wanted to see what their attitude was. And how they reacted. The thread has served that purpose bc I have been reading what they tend to do. As for what I will do, I'll make a decision soon but it's not based on this thread. I used my situation to give some context and a personal touch. 1
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