Being honest is hard

[fitnessfan365]

Had two first dates in the same week awhile back. Woman A was fantastic, but had more in common with woman B. So I let woman A know which she appreciated. Only saw B a few times because chemistry wasn't ultimately there. So I reach out to A a month later and let her know that I had still been thinking about her. She was interested, but stressed she didn't date guys who see multiple women. I let her know it only went a few dates. So we made plans.

 

The day of the date, she sends me a text saying she's "sick" with no mention of future plans after she's better. So I assume she's blowing me off and start pursuing other options. Five days later, A reaches out to re-schedule. But then shortly after. I had the great first date I've mentioned. Now the easy thing would be to still see A tonight. After all, I'm not exclusive with anyone and it's not really her business. However, since I know she doesn't like men who see multiple women I don't want to waste her time.

 

So now I have to do the right, honest thing and call her. I'll stress that I still want to see her and am not cancelling. But give her the option to back out if she wants since I have another woman in my life. It sucks because I really do want to see A tonight and this will probably make her back out of the date. However, it's the right thing to do. So now I'm waiting on a call back so I can talk to her about it on the phone.

Edited March 16, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[Gary S]

You have to be tactful with circular dating... you can't lie about it, you have to come clean if they ask directly. But at the same time, you should not offer any information. Honesty and openness are too different things. You don't have to make a lady your counselor and tell her everything. You only have so much time together, you can't share everything anyway - so choose to share the good and not the bad. It's romantic.

 

On the other hand, it's great that you have so many options, it's a good problem to have, other guys will envy you.

[Starship]

You told woman A that you didn't want to see her again because you had met another woman...now she want so see you?

 

I personally couldn't imagine wanting to see a man who told me that he preferred someone else.

 

Perhaps I'm not reading any of this correctly.

 

All that aside...I agree with Gary. Being forthright is nice but not a virtue when sharing info about your dating life with women you hardly know. I would find it odd if a man spoke of other women he was seeing.

[fitnessfan365]

I agree that it's not any of her business. I'm not exclusive with anyone and should be able to see multiple women.

 

However, she made it clear from the get go she doesn't want to date a guy who sees multiple women. At the time, it wasn't an issue. But when she sent the flake text, I honestly thought she was blowing me off. That's why I pursued other options. By the time she reached out to re-schedule, I had a first date the next day..LOL

 

So now I can't in good conscience date a woman that has a one at a time policy. Personally, I think it's BS to expect a guy to basically commit from the jump. But it's her beliefs. So all I can do is be honest and give her the option of backing out.

 

You told woman A that you didn't want to see her again because you had met another woman...now she want so see you?

 

I personally couldn't imagine wanting to see a man who told me that he preferred someone else.

 

Perhaps I'm not reading any of this correctly.

 

All that aside...I agree with Gary. Being forthright is nice but not a virtue when sharing info about your dating life with women you hardly know. I would find it odd if a man spoke of other women he was seeing.

 

When I contacted A, I was honest that I really enjoyed her company. But also had another first date with woman B that I had more things in common with. Since she had said she didn't date guys who saw more than one woman at a time, that is why I was honest with her. She really appreciated it. She also said she would go out with me again but not while I was seeing someone else. So that's why it came to a halt.

 

But since I only saw B a few times, I reached out to A a month later to let her know that I was still interested and not seeing anyone.

Edited March 16, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[Gaeta]

What do you want out of this dating? Are you looking for a relationship or you want to multi-date only? At some point you will have to stop making dates with new women and concentrate on 1.

 

I am a big multi-dater till someone grabs my attention. If you like this lady enough to see her again then why make new contacts? Can't you put the other women on hold an explore this one for a couple more dates? Or are you afraid you will miss out on meeting someone better? Cause there will always be someone better.

[fitnessfan365]

What do you want out of this dating? Are you looking for a relationship or you want to multi-date only? At some point you will have to stop making dates with new women and concentrate on 1.

 

I am a big multi-dater till someone grabs my attention. If you like this lady enough to see her again then why make new contacts? Can't you put the other women on hold an explore this one for a couple more dates? Or are you afraid you will miss out on meeting someone better? Cause there will always be someone better.

 

1) I've only had one date with her.

 

2) She sent me a text three hours before our second date saying she was "sick" with no mention of future plans after she was better. So I thought she was blowing me off and started purusing other women.

 

3) By the time she reached out to actually re-schedule I already had a first date planned for the next day. Since I didn't know how it would go, I made plans with A. But then I had a fantastic first date and want to see this other woman again.

 

It's just a matter of really bad timing. I mean I think most guys in my situation would assume that a woman saying she is "sick" day of with making no mention of a future re-schedule would be a blow off.

Edited March 16, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[Gary S]

I can't say circular dating is bad, it works for some people.

 

I'll just tell you what I do... I date one woman at a time... if things are not going really well, I drop them, I make quick decisions. I can throw a dating profile online and have a date with a new lady any given week, so I don't personally feel the need to circular date. That may be another option to consider.

 

So if a woman ever brings up any kind of exclusive talk, I just sarcastically say, "Ya mean, we are not exclusive" Daddy comes packin' with all the right answers

[Gaeta]

1) I think most guys in my situation would assume that a woman saying she is "sick" day of with making no mention of a future re-schedule would be a blow off.

 

You can't really hold it against her considering you told her you were picking someone else over her. Now you are coming back to your second best, her. Not very flattering.

 

Explain to her you understand her personal rule so she needs to know while she was debating getting back to you or not you made a new contact and you will go and have a coffee with her as you find it rude to cancel on her after a time has been set. Also it's not because you make 2-3 contacts that you are intending on playing anyone. You are looking for someone to connect with and when that happens the other contacts will automatically be eliminated.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I agree that it's not any of her business. I'm not exclusive with anyone and should be able to see multiple women.

 

However, she made it clear from the get go she doesn't want to date a guy who sees multiple women. At the time, it wasn't an issue. But when she sent the flake text, I honestly thought she was blowing me off. That's why I pursued other options. By the time she reached out to re-schedule, I had a first date the next day..LOL

 

So now I can't in good conscience date a woman that has a one at a time policy. Personally, I think it's BS to expect a guy to basically commit from the jump. But it's her beliefs. So all I can do is be honest and give her the option of backing out.

 

When I contacted A, I was honest that I really enjoyed her company. But also had another first date with woman B that I had more things in common with. Since she had said she didn't date guys who saw more than one woman at a time, that is why I was honest with her. She really appreciated it. She also said she would go out with me again but not while I was seeing someone else. So that's why it came to a halt.

 

But since I only saw B a few times, I reached out to A a month later to let her know that I was still interested and not seeing anyone.

 

Personally, I think this is really code for not wanting to date someone who is sleeping with multiple women more than it a dating issue.

 

I agree. Until there is a formal discussion about exclusivity one should be able to enjoy the company of others until something sticks. Some people are better at it than others but it is what it is.

 

I think some women (and men also) really dislike the idea of trying to get something going while the object of their affection is off shtupping other people at the same time.

 

When it comes to sex, people can get pretty weird :/

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

FFan, I'd say if you haven't been on more than 3-4 dates with either girl, go ahead and date both. Don't deny this girl for this date, because the other girl might not work out either!

 

Even if shes not OK with multi-dating its not her business as long as you aren't having sex with both. I say give them both a go and see how it goes.

 

Personally, I think this is really code for not wanting to date someone who is sleeping with multiple women more than it a dating issue.

 

I agree. Until there is a formal discussion about exclusivity one should be able to enjoy the company of others until something sticks. Some people are better at it than others but it is what it is.

 

I think some women (and men also) really dislike the idea of trying to get something going while the object of their affection is off shtupping other people at the same time.

 

When it comes to sex, people can get pretty weird :/

 

No its pretty normal I think... I don't want to be having sex with a girl who's having sex with other guys, even if we're not exclusive. That is provided that this girl in question is a girl I want a relationship with, and not a hookup.

Edited March 16, 2015 by barcode88

[wb1988]

think some women (and men also) really dislike the idea of trying to get something going while the object of their affection is off shtupping other people at the same time.

 

When it comes to sex, people can get pretty weird :/

 

I think it's most people, why would you want to spent time & effort into someone that's seeing others.

 

I once hooked up with this girl that was my next door neighbour, and she said that later that night she's going on another date with this guy. I just thought of that guy as a total loser, like you're taking a girl on a date that just got banged up by a guy (me)?

[fitnessfan365]

In any other case, I would have asked her out again after the first date. But she made it clear from the jump that she only dates guys that are dating one woman (not sleeping with, dating). So she pretty much forced me to make a decision between her and this other woman. The other woman had more in common with me.

 

So that's why I was honest and told her originally, "I'd really like to see you again, but you only want guys in your life that won't date multiple women. Since I have to make a decision based on that, the other woman has a bit more in common with me." So she thanked me for my honesty and said that I had her number.

 

That's why I followed up again down the road because I do have good chemistry with her an am very attracted. But then she sent the "sick" text and I thought she was blowing me off.

 

BTW - Called and talked to her. Stressed I wasn't cancelling but explained the situation of how her sick text came off like she had changed her mind. So when we actually did make plans to re-schedule, I already had another date lined up, etc.. She thanked me whole-heartedly for my honesty once again and stressed to call her if things open up down the road. So she is still very interested. But since I have many other options I want to pursue, I'm not ready to basically jump into a commitment from the get go.

[elliecoffee]

Mmmh...

Maybe next time you could ask first rather than assuming you're being blown off? Besides, why would you be blown off out of the blue?.

 

And well, maybe it's just me but, what are you expecting from this dating thing you have going on? a serious girlfriend? a fling? a one night stand? someone to pass the time with? :/ I don't know, sounds to me you're over complicating things.

 

Honesty is great but I don't see the point of telling your first time date you're seeing other people while thanking them for participating. Maybe woman A is a great girl who can be what your looking for or just someone to pass the time with, but with just one date I don't think you can figure that out so quickly , just look at what happened with woman B for example.

 

I don't know, give yourself time to decide what's going on and give the girl time to decide too rather than deciding over a text message where the 'relationship' is going. And when the time comes to be open and honest, be open and honest.

 

Hope you're well.

xx

[xpaperxcutx]

Sorry to say this, but this woman knows what she wants and based on your interactions with her thus far, she not someone who is going to change her mind about her rules.

[wb1988]

You should just date 1 by 1. Things don't work out or look well in 2-3 weeks then move on to the next. You're still dating the same amount over a period of time, just not all at once. Multiple dating just clouds what is important and makes you go for girls that aren't that great, just like with your Woman B.

 

That girl is right, and I don't think any self-respecting person would be cool with dating someone that you know is also dating others.

[fitnessfan365]

Well if she stresses from the beginning she only wants to date a guy that sees only her, it makes it kind of a difficult situation. She's basically saying she expects a commitment from the very beginning.

 

Since I am seeing different women and pursuing options, the last thing I want is to get invested in woman A and another woman equally. Then if I end up having to reject woman A, it's a lot worse if there is more feelings involved. At least this way when it's still new in the beginning, there is no real chance of her getting hurt.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Fitnessfan, you should date both at this point. Especially since it sounds like you've only been on 1 or 2 dates between both girls, nothing is serious yet.

 

Even if her expectations are dating one person (not just sex), it's really none of her business who you're seeing if you aren't exclusive. Just don't volunteer that information and you're fine.

[xxoo]

Well if she stresses from the beginning she only wants to date a guy that sees only her, it makes it kind of a difficult situation. She's basically saying she expects a commitment from the very beginning.

 

You already knew this when you made the date with the new woman. Yes, she canceled. You assumed she wasn't interested and moved on.

 

So now, she's back. Just say, "when you canceled, I thought you were moving on, and I went on a date with someone else. I'm still interested in seeing you."

 

If you are really, really into this one woman, then you should've given it a bit more time before taking another woman out considering that she already broached the conversation of dating others, and you assured her you aren't.

[Gaeta]

it's really none of her business who you're seeing if you aren't exclusive. Just don't volunteer that information and you're fine.

 

I don't tell any of the men I meet about my other meetings. It happened in the past I was told over a 1st coffee that he doesn't multi-date and don't want to see someone that multi-dates. My reply was 'I understand and I am ok with it if we date' because meeting over a first coffee for me is not dating. Actually I don't consider the 3 first meeting as dating.

[fitnessfan365]

Fitnessfan, you should date both at this point. Especially since it sounds like you've only been on 1 or 2 dates between both girls, nothing is serious yet.

 

Even if her expectations are dating one person (not just sex), it's really none of her business who you're seeing if you aren't exclusive. Just don't volunteer that information and you're fine.

 

Already called and talked to her. She stressed she only dates a guy who dates only her. Do I think this is a naive way of thinking? Yes. A lot of guys in my situation would probably keep seeing her regardless and keep their dating history to themselves. That's why she thanked me repeatedly for my honesty. She also said to call her if I decide I only want to focus on her.

 

Now a lot of women probably have the mindset of wanting a guy that only sees them from the get go. But they're also realistic and know that it takes time to develop a real connection. So they don't say it out loud or make that demand after 1-2 dates. This was the first woman I've gone out with who made it very clear from the get go that is what she wanted. So that's why I felt obligated to be honest with her. I figure if she is on the level with me, the least I can do is return the favor.

 

Am I attracted to her? Hell yes. Do I feel chemistry? Absolutely. But I'm simply not ready to be committed to a woman after 2 dates. I currently have three other women that I'm in the very beginning stages of dating with. Granted, I only sleep with one woman at a time (serial monogamist). But I do believe in keeping my options open until I know for sure who I want to focus on.

Edited March 16, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[preraph]

I guess you have to just be honest with her and tell her you didn't plan it that way, but up popped someone on OLD or whatever. You could put that other person on hold long enough to find out if you like A or not. That's really the idea. But if you're not interested enough in A to want to do that, then you should just cut her loose.

[xxoo]

I understand the argument for seeing other people casually until you know you want to focus on one person.

 

But I also understand the argument of seeing only one person at a time. You should know within a month if you want to continue seeing this person or not, either way. At a month, you either get exclusive in the former arrangement, or stop seeing the person in the latter. A months of not dating others isn't such a huge risk, if you really feel interest in someone who doesn't multi-date.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Already called and talked to her. She stressed she only dates a guy who dates only her. Do I think this is a naive way of thinking? Yes. A lot of guys in my situation would probably keep seeing her regardless and keep their dating history to themselves. That's why she thanked me repeatedly for my honesty. She also said to call her if I decide I only want to focus on her.

 

Now a lot of women probably have the mindset of wanting a guy that only sees them from the get go. But they're also realistic and know that it takes time to develop a real connection. So they don't say it out loud or make that demand after 1-2 dates. This was the first woman I've gone out with who made it very clear from the get go that is what she wanted. So that's why I felt obligated to be honest with her. I figure if she is on the level with me, the least I can do is return the favor.

 

Am I attracted to her? Hell yes. Do I feel chemistry? Absolutely. But I'm simply not ready to be committed to a woman after 2 dates. I currently have three other women that I'm in the very beginning stages of dating with. Granted, I only sleep with one woman at a time (serial monogamist). But I do believe in keeping my options open until I know for sure who I want to focus on.

 

Honestly you potentially dodged a bullet there too. If she wants that kind of commitment that early, who knows what other surprises there were for you

[fitnessfan365]

Honestly you potentially dodged a bullet there too. If she wants that kind of commitment that early, who knows what other surprises there were for you

 

Yep. Definitely a bit much to want a commitment that soon.

 

But hey, nothing better than 100 burpees to take my mind off it. Did 10 sets of 10 with push-ups with only 60 sec rest between sets. Fifteen minutes of burpees is the equivalent of close to a 5 mile run.

Edited March 16, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[mightycpa]

Woman A was fantastic, but had more in common with woman B. So I let woman A know which she appreciated. Only saw B a few times because chemistry wasn't ultimately there. So I reach out to A a month later and let her know that I had still been thinking about her. She was interested, but stressed she didn't date guys who see multiple women. I let her know it only went a few dates. So we made plans.

That reads like the introduction from Chapter 1 of "****ed Up Dating for Young People"

 

 

• He dates A.
  
• Then he dates B.
  
• He prefers B.
  
• He tells A. (****ed up!)
  
• A says she doesn't date multidaters. (****ed up!)
  
• Predictably, B turns out not to be the love of his life.
  
• He takes a shot with A again. (Ballsy!)
  
• A says, sure why not. After all, he's not a multidater unless he's actually dating one at a time. Serial dating doesn't count! (****ed up!)
  
• A calls in sick.
  
• He dates C. Technically, he's still not a multidater because he never went out with A. (Ballsy!)
  
• A finishes her sick leave.
  
• He prefers C.
  
• What to do, kiddies?
  

:lmao:

 

Clearly, what you need to do is take A at her word, cancel the date, waste all your time on C, then after that falls apart, waste your time on A after a sufficient time of forgetting has passed.

 

It would be so much easier if both you and A would consider the idea that it's perfectly OK to date more than one person at a time, and it can be a lot more fun and efficient too! Maybe I got you wrong. Maybe you're OK with it, you just disclose your situation real early, putting you at the mercy of monodaters.

 

Wouldn't that be something?

 

I don't date monodaters

 

Good luck to all four of you!

Edited March 16, 2015 by mightycpa