MKultra0 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Hello everyone, this is my first post on LS. I've read a bunch from here during the initial weeks/months of my breakup. I'll give you guys some background info. This girl and I went out for about a year and 4 months, add that with dating for a few months prior. I really thought that this would be it...there was a girl who finally really liked me and I really liked her. I was into simple hook ups and didn't care too much for a relationship back in senior year of high school. This girl changed it for me. I mean I was adamant that I didn't want to be with her fully for a while because she was going away to college and I didn't think I could handle a LDR. But, after about 4 months of hanging out, I thought I'd be an idiot if I didn't take a chance with this girl who was showing me unrequited love. Don't misunderstand, we both knew we liked one another the second we laid eyes on each other, I was just hesitant about the LDR aspect as I didn't want a heartbreak in the longrun(*sigh). Anyway, its been like 4 months since the break up. We handled the distance ok the first year of college but the second she moved into her sorority house, joined her acappella group that partied a lot, I knew it was the end of days. She was an innocent girl for the most part so I feel that being exposed to all of it without me around gave her a real case of "the grass is greener." I of course didn't help in this period because I called and texted SOO much. I knew we were on a slippery slope but I didn't really know what else to do...what CAN someone do when the only means of reaching their SO were texting and calling. It was a lose-lose situation. Cue her thinking she might like someone else, a break up, that guy screwing her over(lol duh...what did you think....he'd be your new longterm SO?) sex a month and a half later which led to minor reconciliation for like a week. After that week we both decided **** didn't feel right, and it didn't. But, I just couldn't get over this nagging feeling that I invested so much into this relationship that it's foolish to throw it away. Here's to the point and sorry for the lengthy intro. I really just don't know what to do anymore. When I think of one thought process to heal, I ask myself if it's the right path and start over at square one. Sometimes thinking about her is unbearable. We haven't spoken in like 25 days. I didn't wish her a happy birthday and the ironic part is everything seemed fine on the surface when I last spoke to her. We had sex again like 4 days before the last time we texted, and I figured **** it I'll add her back on fb and be civil. I'm an idiot lol. While I did think at first it would serve as a mind****, kind of make her think everything is ok meanwhile I go ghost and take away the safety net that I should've removed a while ago, I still wonder if it really serves any purpose. Do I even want her back? Am I just lonely? Do I feel like I need recognition from her for all the things I've done? The dynamic I've created is a confusing one but one that I feel that I could have made worse had I stayed in contact with her still. NC does help me move on, but I just wonder if I'm doing what I'm doing to get her back or for myself. You can't really get an ex back if you're not over them or at least past the emotional walls that cloud your judgement post-break up. But if I'll be over her, what was the point of sulking? I think the biggest thing that gets me about this break up is the principle of the thing. We had what I thought to be a very special love, and we both admitted we had a crazy bond. I pretty much helped to save her mother's life, I was 100% supportive of all her goals, and tried my best to keep our relationship swimming but in the end it didn't mean **** to her. The amount of guys she's hooked up with after the break up blows my mind. I mean I get that I was her first love and first everything pretty much, combine that with being a late bloomer and this is the product. I just wonder if she'll ever come back and realize what a mistake she made. I wonder if she'll see how stupid getting all this instant gratification crap out of your system is. I did that **** in high school and I enjoyed being in a committed relationship a hell of a lot more. Basically, I want to stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm tired of feeling great for a few days and then miserable the next. I've removed facebook from my phone recently to not view her profile but the temptation is still huge at the end of the day when I'm on my computer and of course I do it. It's stunting my growth and the pain of wondering if she's feeling the same way as I am is too much. I feel like she's going through the same motions, great one week, sad next week. We meant a lot to each other. I guess only time will really tell if my absence has any impact on her life and if she'll do anything about it. The temptation to talk to her is great but I know it won't do anything for me. I will let time take it's course. I believe people respond better to silence and not words. But I really don't think she'll talk to me anymore, it feels like there is nothing else to say. We had a great, close relationship and it just feels so wrong sometimes to cut off someone who meant so much to me. Then again, the option of losing me forever didn't seem to scare her when she decided to break up, even though this post break up dynamic was still ****ed up with ups and downs, conversations and sex. What should I do? What should I expect to happen? Should I ever reach out one day? How do I stop letting these thoughts torture me. Sometimes it's easy to bottle them up but sometimes I feel like I'm just about to pop.
HBK3317 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I feel you brother. First off you need to Stop viewing her profile online so either you Deactivate your account or Block her. Period. There's no going around this and this has to be done, ASAP. Then delete all her contact info from everywhere. Delete photos, videos, texts, voicemails, get rid of the gifts and notes if any. You need to, they won't do any good to you on the contrary they are just anchors weighing you down with her thoughts and memories. Next off you need to stop telling yourself that she might be feeling this or that or the other because for all you know she might be cuddling up with someone else right about now. (I am sorry, I know that's was way too harsh) See the thing is that she might someday realise that you were the guy and may come back but you can't rely on that 1% chance and mess up your mind. I know it feels like **** and living itself seems like a lost cause, but brother you need to man up and face this, trust me there's no other way. Had there been I would have been more than glad to share it with you. I can only imagine how people who are married, have children, are together for decades, feel like when they break up! This one thought helps me a lot to put things into perspective when I mourn over my breakup. It might help you too. Well that's all I have to give you, I hope I was of some help. Keep posting brother. Let time work it's magic. Goddamn it I know how ****ing hard it is to forget someone whom you would never forget unless you got Alzheimer's! Hang in there bro.
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