Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 If I had a girl naked in my bed, I wouldn't have picked up personally lol. Or if I did I would call her an Uber cab. But still - its natural for guys to want to help girls out when they're in trouble - I wouldn't read too much into it. He doesn't seem too into her if he ignored her call 3 times.
spiderowl Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I just keep going back and forth. He IS a very nice person and she was crying so much at first that I couldn't make out what she was telling him. Maybe she was in real danger. But at what point does it become inappropriate to go rescue your prior FWB when you have the girl you're exclusively dating in your bed? Even if I wasn't in his bed? I still don't think it's ok. And she doesn't seem to have much respect for our relationship. He did mention in the argument that she knows about me and that he's dating someone. But that hasn't stopped her from texting him or calling him in the middle of the night. And I'm pretty positive she knew it was his last night in town for awhile, based on something he said in the argument. Now I'm wondering if he even told her when he picked her up that I was at his place waiting. Ugh this whole thing has me in such a funk. I note that SHE was texting him and pestering him for attention. He was a gentleman and decided he had to pick her up for her own protection. He must have been torn because no guy in their right minds would want to leave a naked partner in bed to go out in the night to collect someone who has been stupid. I think he was trying to do the responsible thing. It sounds like she's getting herself into a mess to get his attention. This does not mean that he is interested in her, more that she is interested in him. The girl is obviously emotionally involved with him. He doesn't seem to be so involved or he wouldn't have been in bed with you! I don't think this issue is going to go away quickly because if this girl does love him and want him, she's going to use the same tactics to get him to be with her again - i.e. more drama. She could very well put herself at risk. It might be worth talking to him about what he feels this girl is doing, whether she's always like that or if this has happened since you and he started dating. Of course, it's up to you to decide whether you are going to stay involved with this guy given the drama that is likely to follow him around now. It might not be his fault but I don't think this girl will give up easily. Definitely worth talking to him about it to see what his take is and whether he thinks her behaviour is deteriorating or not. You might gain some insights into how he sees her and what he anticipates in the future. Good luck! 2
lana-banana Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 You're not crazy, I'd be mad too. But if I were your boyfriend I probably would have done the same thing. When someone calls you sobbing incoherently and begging for help, you help. You may be plenty pissed at them once they're sober but it's better to be pissed than to let a friend wander around in danger. And to be honest, if this is a halfway decent guy (and it sounds like he is), he'll be put off by his former FWB's shenanigans. There's nothing attractive about getting trashed, crying your eyes out and being too drunk to even find a cab. If he has any feelings for her they probably turned into pity. That's not to say you're done here. Be completely clear about how uncomfortable you were about the whole episode. You should tell him you know they hooked up, then let it drop. That should be enough to make him think twice about texting her all the time. If she pulls another stunt like this and he comes riding to the rescue yet again then you should wipe your hands of him. You shouldn't have to compete with an old flame. One word of caution: under no circumstances should you suggest she staged the event as a way to get his attention. Even if it's 100% true, even if all of your mutual friends told you so, even if she has a tattoo saying "I did this to get his attention", do not tell him. Pitiful or not, he still cares enough about her to go get her at two in the morning. If you accuse her of being manipulative you will come off as an insecure jealous loon. Just say your piece and see what happens next.
Standard-Fare Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 OP, I think your initial reaction was totally appropriate -- it's good that you showed him you were angry and didn't want to tolerate the situation. Staying in that bed waiting for him to come home would have been a mistake. You don't want to be the passive girl who puts up with that bullsh*t. But now that you've made yourself perfectly clear, maybe just let this fight die down and stop stewing over it. It's good that you two have this time to yourselves. Hopefully the tension dissipates some by the time he returns from his trip. I'd say if you really like him, it's worth giving him another chance. He made a mistake. You have to see if that was a one-time thing, or if this girl is going to be a persistent problem. I do think it's a positive sign that he came to your house that late to explain himself. Alternative B could have been: He gets home, sees that you're not there, so he gives up and goes straight to the other chick. He didn't do that. He chose you.
katiegrl Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I think it's fine to be pissed....your feelings are your feelings to which you're entitled. However, in this particular situation....you should have kept them to yourself and been gracious about it. Now you just look like an uncaring jealous bytch.. It was 2:00 in the morning, she was drunk...holy crap what if, god forbid, something had happened to her all because the person she asked for help has a jealous girlfriend who gets her panties in a twist over him leaving her to help a female friend. If it had been me, I may not have been thrilled about it... but I would have acted cool about it ....telling him to go help her...I'll be fine! Hurry back! If he had not come back within a reasonable amount of time, *then* I would have left. But he returned quickly, you were gone, he chased you down... good god what more do you need the guy to do to show you how much he cares? You overreacted... and believe me he's paying attention! And he's gonna keep paying attention... so if you want him to stick around..it might be best to try and squelch those possessive jealous feelings and try being a cool rational gracious chick instead. He'll appreciate it... and love you more for it too!
tam1984 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Oof. I'd be annoyed too. While I don't think he's into her (if he was, for one, he'd pick up right away and, secondly, his phone wouldnt be so out in the open for you to see her call)...I do find it weird that when she was a drunken mess he first guy she hit up was your guy. Times I've been in a crisis I've usually called my closest friends, my bf, etc...not an ex hookup. So, it does seem she's into him. Why else would she call him of all people. It sounds to me like she was trying to pull a "damsel in distress" type thing. Unfortunately it's pretty early on in the relationship to really know what her motives are. I'd tell him it made you uncomfortable...and from there, the ball is in his court. It's up to him to set up those boundaries...because, in my opinion, her calling him of all people was disrespectful to you. If I'm in drunk and scared at 2am I call my friend/bf...not an ex hookup with a girlfriend. That's just common sense...and makes me question her motives. If she continues doing this have a discussion about it, communicate your feelings, and see if he sets some boundaries because I'm with you...her actions were inappropriate.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 I wasn't hunting for anyone at that bar. I don't go to bars to find men. I'm extremely close with my sister and live only 10 minutes or less from the bar she started working at. So if I wasn't busy and wanted a drink, I would go there, to see my SISTER. I would chat with my sisters coworkers as well as the owner for over two months, before HE asked if I would like to go on a date. And owning a bar or bar tending is not equalivant to a woman stripping. I have nothing against strippers but you're reaching. ... and you are simply not paying attention (to what is written here, or to this man's life). It was spelled-out for you, by others, that there is alcohol all around this man's life, and his lifestyle... and it was spelled-out for you that people who get done with work at 2:00am (often later) tend to network with other people who get off work after 2:00am... and it was spelled-out for you that these people do not race home to go to sleep just because you are most often sleeping at that time. Nobody said you were hunting for anything at any bar, but if you are going to sleep with partners whose lives are effectively run by alcohol, then you are going to have to expect these late-night, alcohol-induced phone calls from people with whom these people have been networking for years. Lastly, this is not about owning a bar, bar-tending, or stripping (as you don't do any of those things). This is about you dating from the dating pool shared by bartenders, bar owners, and strippers. There are reasons why people don't go searching for mates in the parking lots of strip-clubs at 3:00am, and there are reasons why people don't go searching for mates in the parking lots of bars at 2:30-3:00am. Those reasons are very similar in nature. (thus the earlier phrase: "equivalent to")
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