amees Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I have been seeing this guy for nearly 4 months. We hang out most weekends , go out to parties or dates or meet up at his or my place. This week I went to his hometown and stayed at his parents house. I've felt emotional distance from him for a bit but this time more. When we are out, he doesn't like holding hands or cuddling or doing anything affectionate. He's not a shy guy but recently there's been a lot of silence. He's never once said I miss you or I really care about you and want to be with you. He's made time to see me but never discussed us. I mentioned us maybe being friends with benefits but didn't get an answer really. And when we were at his parents house we slept in his bed but he introduced me as a "friend". I tried bringing this up lightly and he said he's not a romantic person and he feels uncomfortable expressing himself emotionally and showing displays of affection. The only time he's very affectionate is in bed. He's nice to me but I'm starting to feel like he's so distant and I feel maybe I should give up ? Any thoughts ?
badpenny Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 4 months? If it's not getting better, and makes you feel this way - in my book, that would be 3.5 months too many. Sorry, but he's obviously not in it to change for you any time soon. Cut your losses and find someone who will make you feel a million dollars, not the cheap ride on the merry-go-round.... 1
Redhead14 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I have been seeing this guy for nearly 4 months. We hang out most weekends , go out to parties or dates or meet up at his or my place. This week I went to his hometown and stayed at his parents house. I've felt emotional distance from him for a bit but this time more. When we are out, he doesn't like holding hands or cuddling or doing anything affectionate. He's not a shy guy but recently there's been a lot of silence. He's never once said I miss you or I really care about you and want to be with you. He's made time to see me but never discussed us. I mentioned us maybe being friends with benefits but didn't get an answer really. And when we were at his parents house we slept in his bed but he introduced me as a "friend". I tried bringing this up lightly and he said he's not a romantic person and he feels uncomfortable expressing himself emotionally and showing displays of affection. The only time he's very affectionate is in bed. He's nice to me but I'm starting to feel like he's so distant and I feel maybe I should give up ? Any thoughts ? It's hard to say for sure from what you're saying above, however, men will sometimes enter into uncertainty when their emotions are becoming deeper for a woman he's dating. And, by the way, until you've entered into a committed, boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, every couple basically is in an FWB relationship for a little while. You are at least good friends who are being intimate with each other, albeit hopefully, exclusive. Anyway, when they do enter into that uncertainty period, they will pull away and become distant because they are overwhelmed in trying to sort out their feelings. He did have you meet his family and even stay there, so there's something there at least. What you should not do is try to pull him in by calling, texting him often or initiating much at all. Give him the space. Some men, will tell their partner that they need space and that's usually a good sign that he is at least connected enough to her to explain what's going on. But if he doesn't, the woman should just give the space when she notices distancing. You can if you want to at this point, say "I've noticed some distance between us, is there something bothering you?" If he shuts down or doesn't want to talk, leave it be. At least he knows you are aware of the distance and are being supportive and making him feel safe to talk to you. But, it's up to him to close up the space he's creating, not you. For now, I would wait for him to call and text or set up dates. Let him drive again so to speak. If he does call to get together, have something else to do once in a while. Don't be as available. Don't fall off the map either though. Be receptive at least. You can communicate with him here and there first but keep it light and nothing about the relationship or ask what's wrong again if you've already done that. It seems counter-intuitive, and it is to a woman, but that scenario is natural for a man. Just one of the male/female differences. If he's still communicating with you, that's good. Sometimes men will drop off the map for even a couple of weeks without contacting a woman during this time. Yes, it's frustrating for the woman and seems disrespectful and she will be angry and hurt. But even then, it's best to let it be. If he wants to come around, he will. If he does come around and you still want to be with him, you can take him back, but do it without criticism or anger. Be forgiving. You can let him know that that hurt you, of course, but that you are willing to move forward again with him. And, explain to him that if he does this again, you will not accept it. Observe his words and actions when he does come back. You will need for him to come on stronger with you and Up things so to speak. If he isn't making you feel better with him than before the distancing, he's not all in and just back for comfort or sex, what have you. If he has the space to think and starts to miss you and realizes you have your own life and may lose you, he will come back a little stronger. It takes patience on your part. You should also be prepared for the possibility that it will end. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 If you introduce it gradually you may be able to get him to come around to hand holding. The fact that you slept in the bed with him at his parents house is a huge declaration, even if it was accompanied by a verbalization of the word girlfriend. Talk to him. Do not suggest FWB because you are downgrading yourself. Ask what he thinks you are & what he's comfortable with.
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 If I've learned anything in my long life it's that you can't make anyone do or be what you want. If you're an affectionate person who craves the same kind of affection and attention and romance from your partner as you would shower on them OUTSIDE the bedroom, this may very well become an issue down the line. It also appears to be a case of having different Love Languages http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ Take it from someone whose been here. It's hard not to think we can change our men since we women love projects. You owe it to yourself to stay true to what you want and need in a relationship otherwise you're in for a world of pain. Good luck.
Gary S Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Ouch, he's not romantic nor affectionate? What do you mean he does not like affection? -If you initiate affection, such as reaching for his hand or touching him, does he push you away?
Starship Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I thrive on affection. I live for affection. I need love, romance....need. When I walk with my boyfriend he holds my hand...when he comes into the kitchen he hugs me and kisses me on my neck...when he sees me he tells me that be loves me. Are all women like me? No. Do all men show affection...no. There is nothing wrong with them...they are quite ok and can be quite content. However, I know myself. I yearn for affection and could not be in a relationship without it. I would not feel fulfilled. Accept this fellow as he is or move on. He knows what you want but either doesn't have it or can't fake it. He seems like someone who might be a good friend if you are interested in a friend. 1
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