Dating a woman who drinks/ likes nights out

[losangelena]

Also, learn the value of compromise. If you go to a club night with her, then she agrees to stay in for a movie night, etc.. It's all about balance.

 

That's right, I was just going to say that.

 

Eventually, in order for casual dating to turn into a real relationship, it's gonna take some compromise from both parties to make it work.

[mr_dave]

Since you've been dating a couple months and are intimate, have you had group get-togethers yet? Her friends and your friends doing a backyard party or gathering for a special occasion? If not, something to consider. If so, impressions?

 

I tended to take dating stuff fairly slow and, with my exW, after a couple of months of regular dating had met a number of her friends and some of her family in the course of social interaction. In fact, during that time, I met her best friend, the one we lost last year to alcoholism. Like your GF, she was educated, had a great job, was active in her church and was an exemplary mom, by appearances. However, lurking, there was a problem, one at first I thought nothing of. It took me probably six or seven years of regular contact to figure stuff out.

 

Anyway, my only advice is don't be wowed by the creds or the breasts. Yes, I get it, you think she's hot. BTDT plenty in the past. Hot is nice. So are a host of other aspects of a healthy relationship. One way to look at this is would she be getting a pass on behaviors you might not otherwise entertain if she wasn't hot? Food for thought. If things remain positive in your opinion, continue.

 

Thanks carhill! I've not yet met any of her friends I'm afraid, she asked me if I'd like to meet her friends during our last meet up, I agreed but nothing has been set yet. Her birthday is coming up soon so that will provide an opportunity I guess.

Plenty of food for thought, would she be getting a pass if she weren't so hot? Maybe not, but she hasn't done anything wrong yet. If she were to cheat it would be a definite dumping.

 

I think you two may not be compatible long term. Although you now seem to realize that she is faithful her partying still doesn't suit you. It's probably not going to change & is bound to cause fights. How much do you want to tolerate?

 

Well I would tolerate it in moderation, maybe if we were to progress into a serious relationship her going out would be a rarer occurrence?

I wouldn't stand for cheating, kissing other guys etc.

 

OP, I don't understand why you don't go along to the clubs. You say you don't make a habit of doing such things, but if that's what she's into, I don't understand why you don't go along here and there to see the environment firsthand. Or, offer her an alternative plan for an evening—take her out on a date away from the club and see what she says.

 

Furthermore, if this particular habit of hers is so distasteful to you, then stop seeing her. Eventually, your low opinion of her interests will show and I bet anything that she'll feel judged. Yeah, sure she's hot and a supposed, "complete package," but don't let that blind you to the fact of this glaring issue.

 

Bottom line, you probably won't be able to change her, so don't get bent out of shape when she doesn't comply.

 

I would go, but I've not been invited by her yet. I would love to be a fly on the wall though for this weekend, maybe the image of it I have in my head is worse than the reality? We have spent weekends together, out at restaurants and going to the cinema, chilling out and watching a film at hers... she enjoys them. But if she's prearranged a night with friends, I'm not sure saying "do this with me instead" is a good idea.

I'm not attempting to change her, but I'd like to give her a fair chance before writing her off...

[losangelena]

She has an alcohol problem, in the form of binge drinking.

 

Binge drinking is associated with many health problems, including—

 

Unintentional injuries (e.g., car crashes, falls, burns, drowning)

Intentional injuries (e.g., firearm injuries, sexual assault, domestic violence)

Alcohol poisoning

Sexually transmitted diseases

Unintended pregnancy

Children born with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders

High blood pressure, stroke, and other cardiovascular diseases

Liver disease

Neurological damage

 

It's not fun, its dangerous.

 

This is all true, but we don't even know this girl's drinking habits. I routinely go out with friends and drink MUCH LESS than they do. One can associate with heavy drinkers and not have a problem one's self. Having paid the price of awful hangovers enough times, I decided several years ago to cut back—a transition I think a lot of people go through between their late 20s and early 30s.

[mr_dave]

What would I be happy with? If she were to go out for a few drinks/chat/ do other stuff with friends a few times a week, great. I would want my GF to have a fulfilling social life. I'd be happy to go with her often. But going on nights out clubbing? Maybe once in a blue moon, at most.

[losangelena]

OP, I think I'm having a hard time understanding what the difference is in your mind. If she's always the one taking care of her sloshed friends, then it stands to reason that she may be drinking less than the rest of them.

 

I feel like maybe the past experience with your last GF have made you (understandably) worried, but since you like this new girl so much, I think it's in your best interest to give her a fair shake. Get a good a proper sense of how she conducts herself on these nights out, and then make your decision.

[kendahke]

Update......

 

 

 

Any more thoughts anyone?

 

You two are no more compatible than you were when you initially posted here.

 

Those big boobs are clouding your vision, s0n. She ain't the one, despite how much you think you two have in common--and I think it's because you haven't gotten laid in a while and you're thirsty.

 

She likes to drink to excess and you don't. There is no way to reconcile that unless one of the two of you chooses to change who you are. When you do attempt to change for someone else and not for yourself and your best interests, then all that leads to is frustration, resentment and eventually bitterness.

 

Screw her if you need to get laid, but don't hang your dreams and hopes of a happy little homebody wife on her. She ain't about that life and the sooner you see that, the sooner you get about the business of finding someone else with big boobs who doesn't have to cut loose with excessive alcohol.

[d0nnivain]

Well I would tolerate it in moderation, maybe if we were to progress into a serious relationship her going out would be a rarer occurrence?

 

I wouldn't stand for cheating, kissing other guys etc.

 

I'm not attempting to change her, but I'd like to give her a fair chance before writing her off...

 

Drinking is not cheating & doesn't always lead to cheating. People try to use alcohol as an excuse for cheating but they are not the same vices.

 

As for her drinking, moderation doesn't seem to be in her vocabulary. You described her habit as always trying to get smashed.

 

However the emphasis with her is seemingly not on having a chat or catching up, but on getting 'smashed' - drinking as much as possible. The kind of night out that gives British people a terrible reputation abroad...

She is meeting a friend (of very dubious character) tomorrow night to, and I quote her, "smash some wine in." When I asked if she'd be free the day after - when her friend leaves, she said she "hopes not to be in a fit state to drive her friend to the train station in the daytime"

 

Her desire to get so drunk she still can't drive the next day is indicative of a problem and the problem is not fidelity, even if you don't care for her friends morals.

[phineas]

I tried dating a party girl before.

Its a nightmare if they're still into partying.

 

They are usually the hottest woman in the place and also the drunkest.

So you can't even pee without coming back to 3 guys trying to pick her up.

 

I didn't last long.

The sex with a hot woman thing just wasn't enough to make up for the other stuff.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I mean this with all the kindness that a smart @ss (jerk) kind of guy like myself can deliver to another man..

 

Stop being a pussy mr_dave, your behavior is making me cringe.

 

You're stepping on your own feet, I just want to shake guys like you because I can't understand what it is you're thinking with a girl like this...this girl is the one making this all happen, you're just sitting there all docile letting it happen, she's decided for one reason or another to date a nice safe guy like yourself, who's predictable and boring and brings no adventure, challenge or excitement.

 

You're just the decent kind of guy women date occasionally between dating jerks and having one night stands with guys who would drink water from the edge of a street curb. And she actually thinks she's hot, sexy and desirable for it.

 

Even if the woman seems decent, well-behaved, and acts a certain way around you...doesn't mean that's who she is, there's always a part of women that want to be settle downed and tamed, and then there's another part of them that wants to be wild and carefree, guess which side of her you are getting.

 

Why else do you think she hangs out with these slutty party girl friends? because she has nothing in common with them...and then she talks badly about her own friends, what does that say about her?

 

Get it through your head what is happening here, and stop over-thinking it, your days are very likely numbered with this girl anyway, at the end of it she's likely to move on. So just stop worrying about the future, try to have some fun outside of watching Disney movies on the weekends and let your own wild/vicarious side take off a little bit.

 

Women are not what or who you think they are, they say one thing then they do another, they behave one way in one setting then completely flip the script in another, they constantly contradict themselves are complete hypocrites in the type of men they are attracted to and desire. The more you get out there and experience and understand this, and stop thinking about everything and trying to understand it, the more wisdom and understanding you will gain.

 

Right now you're looking through a very tiny peep hole, this girl is worldly and has a lot of "outgoing" experience, who knows how much she actually sleeps around but she's no virgin mary by any standards either...if you can gain the balls and confidence to start taking control and having an impact on women romantically and sexually, if they're not wanting to spend time with you and ditching their own plans to make you the center of their own world, then they're just not that into you and she will drop you like a rock one day...unless for some reason she wants to escape that lifestyle and do the "right" thing and settle for a safe, reliable guy like yourself, which in the end she will likely either regret, cheat on or be repressing other romantic needs.

 

The fact that she has slept with you and is spending time with you is irrelevant, I'm sure she's been there before with plenty of men and this is not exactly a telling sign of anything...women will sleep with men you know, especially the kind that go out and party on a regular basis, it's not that big of a deal to many of them anyway in the end. They love and f****k one guy to the next, from one week or month(s) to another.

 

You're taking this way too seriously and need to have some fun and stop caring about the consequences or saying the wrong thing, you cannot be that kind of a guy to attract women. As soon as you start falling under that umbrella of self-doubt and apprehension, you are losing ever so slowly that battle and will ultimately lose, period.

[mr_dave]

Thanks for all the replies guys! I'll carry on seeing her and enjoying her company and see what happens. I'll talk with her about her drinking habits when I next see her, and make clear to her where I stand on the matter and see whether it really is a core part of who she is. After that I'll better be able to tell whether she's a fit.

 

If not, so be it, nothing lost.. it's not like I have a wide range of women banging at my door that I could be seeing in the meantime! .

When you weed out the women near me who either have children, tattoos (mega turn off for me), and who are unintelligent, unattractive, very left-leaning, etc. there is barely anything to choose from where I am. That's before factoring in whether there would be a mutual attraction between us. I have been on online dating getting rejected left, right and centre by hundreds of women who I to be honest wasn't even that attracted to.

 

Apart from the drinking she's pretty much everything I could want in a woman, and given I'm just an average looking guy of average height still living at home with a modest occupation I guess I can't realistically expect an attractive woman (to others she would be average looking I guess, to me she is stratospherically attractive/sexy) with no faults.

Time will tell me whether this is a major or minor one of hers....

 

Ninjainpajamas, thanks! Her getting bored of me, yeah it could quite likely happen. Having been cheated on before.. well looking back now I can tell the signs of an uninterested girlfriend.. anything similar and I'd cut her loose.

Edited May 17, 2015 by mr_dave

[BeholdtheMan]

Work on self improvement to increase your dating options. You sound desperate like some guy who's thanking his lucky stars that a woman is willing to let him put his peen inside her

 

Treat this woman as a fu__buddy and not ur future wife.