mr_dave Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I've recently been on three great dates with a woman the same age as I am. (26) We've met up for dinner, been to the cinema together, sat in quiet bars and pubs and talked for ages and ages. All our dates lasted around 6 hours before we were thrown out of the establishments we were in as it was closing time. She's very attractive (pretty, slim, busty - a rare combination) and great company. She's intelligent, worldly-wise and funny. She seems to like me too as we've kissed a few times and she always seems keen to see me (during prime weekend time), even though she herself doesn't initiate. But here's the issue... I'm very much a teetotaller, I loathe going on nights out, getting drunk etc. I'm not against drinking in itself, but going on nights out clubbing where I am involves putting yourself in amongst the worst elements of society when they've all drunk too much, and so can behave as obnoxiously as they want. The music is c**p, it's too noisy for a conversation and many guys are itching for a fight, being abusive, hitting on your girlfriend left, right and centre etc... The problem is though, she loves it. Whilst I prefer to spend my weekends doing things like day trips, watching sport, visiting the gym, she likes to go for nights out with her promiscuous (in her own words) friends. For example, this weekend she said one of her friends had recently broken up, so was wanting to go out and "have some fun" with guys. She said matter of factly that this friend was staying with her and so her Sunday would probably be spent mopping up her puke although she would put a bin in her room. When I was with my ex, she was the sweetest, most attentive girlfriend until she fell into a slutty, hard-drinking crowd. They would egg her on and dare her to cheat, and cover for her when she did. Now I'm wary about getting involved with anyone who likes that scene. Should I proceed with caution or not at all? She doesn't come across as though she would cheat, she's said that she abhors it, but at the same time, she enjoys being in that enabling environment, with such friends? Any thoughts?
d0nnivain Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 You are already condemning her & those she associates with. That level of judgment doesn't bode well for you two having an LTR. Consider this though: while she may enjoy clubbing while she's single, if you offer alternate ways to spend the weekend, perhaps she won't want to go to the clubs. Compromise may be in order. Would you be willing to go once in a while? Like every 3 months or so which is 4x per year? 5
Redhead14 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I've recently been on three great dates with a woman the same age as I am. (26) We've met up for dinner, been to the cinema together, sat in quiet bars and pubs and talked for ages and ages. All our dates lasted around 6 hours before we were thrown out of the establishments we were in as it was closing time. She's very attractive (pretty, slim, busty - a rare combination) and great company. She's intelligent, worldly-wise and funny. She seems to like me too as we've kissed a few times and she always seems keen to see me (during prime weekend time), even though she herself doesn't initiate. But here's the issue... I'm very much a teetotaller, I loathe going on nights out, getting drunk etc. I'm not against drinking in itself, but going on nights out clubbing where I am involves putting yourself in amongst the worst elements of society when they've all drunk too much, and so can behave as obnoxiously as they want. The music is c**p, it's too noisy for a conversation and many guys are itching for a fight, being abusive, hitting on your girlfriend left, right and centre etc... The problem is though, she loves it. Whilst I prefer to spend my weekends doing things like day trips, watching sport, visiting the gym, she likes to go for nights out with her promiscuous (in her own words) friends. For example, this weekend she said one of her friends had recently broken up, so was wanting to go out and "have some fun" with guys. She said matter of factly that this friend was staying with her and so her Sunday would probably be spent mopping up her puke although she would put a bin in her room. When I was with my ex, she was the sweetest, most attentive girlfriend until she fell into a slutty, hard-drinking crowd. They would egg her on and dare her to cheat, and cover for her when she did. Now I'm wary about getting involved with anyone who likes that scene. Should I proceed with caution or not at all? She doesn't come across as though she would cheat, she's said that she abhors it, but at the same time, she enjoys being in that enabling environment, with such friends? Any thoughts? This is not about your ex, this is a new woman. What it IS about is your likes, needs and preferences. And, it's early in your dating history with her. You should have a casual conversation with her about your personality, your likes, etc. Don't criticize her for her likes, just make make sure you two understand the differences. Right now, it's not too important. Just enjoy the dates, keep them shorter going forward if you like her enough to keep seeing her. Observe her behaviors, if they don't work for you, move on. Sometimes opposites attract and sometimes they don't. From what you've said about yourself above, though, I'd recommend keeping this dating prospect very casual, if at all. 3
PegNosePete Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 She doesn't come across as though she would cheat, she's said that she abhors it They all say that. If someone comes across as someone who would cheat then they'd never get a partner and would never be able to cheat. And who would say that they don't abhor cheating? That doesn't mean she would cheat of course. Just saying, it's meaningless. The above is like saying, "she breathes air". Considering the vastly different lifestyles it doesn't sound as though you are very compatible which this woman. 8
carhill Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Any thoughts? What are her drinking behaviors away from the club scene? I could write off the partying part to youth, though I might see such a mismatch as potentially problematical long-term if she didn't grow out of it. That path is unknown. Having experienced a close friend go to her maker at a relatively young age from what seemed to casual observers to be 'enjoying going out and partying' but was really serious alcoholism, I recognize the signs better and am more cautious now. In your case, getting to know her will tell you what you need to know. Some signs I've seen: It seems like all friends interacted with or talked about drink Days and nights sometimes reverse Odd behaviors - one I caught onto was consistently spending time in the bathroom when we were out and not drinking/could not drink. Drinking and driving - almost got mowed down by a friend once. Unreliable and unpredictable behaviors - seemingly out of nowhere. The list is long but those are some of the highlights from recent experiences. No rush. Get to know her and time will reveal the truths. Beware that a female alcoholic can be quite 'intoxicating' and that can color one's perceptions and promote understanding and forgiveness of otherwise deal-breaking behaviors. Up to you to make choices which are healthy for you. Good luck! 2
kendahke Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 No, you shouldn't proceed. You two are fundamentally incompatible and this isn't going to work. You are already judging her and it's only dating. No mention of relationship or declarations of exclusivity have been made. Save yourself the trouble and end it. 3
LookAtThisPOst Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 You are already condemning her & those she associates with. That level of judgment doesn't bode well for you two having an LTR. Consider this though: while she may enjoy clubbing while she's single, if you offer alternate ways to spend the weekend, perhaps she won't want to go to the clubs. Compromise may be in order. Would you be willing to go once in a while? Like every 3 months or so which is 4x per year? Agreed...from what you said, give her an opportunity for other avenues of activities that don't involve clubbing every weekend like outdoor events, kayaking, city festivals, public concerts, etc. Keep it to more of a family friendly environment even...see what her reaction to this is like...if she STILL likes to hit clubs and partake in debauchery, I would move on to someone who isn't. 4
Satu Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 It would be very difficult to match up your different lifestyles... Proceed with caution and be mindful. 1
Gary S Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 (edited) Well, there's not really much you can do about it, you can't control another person. But just because she goes out to clubs on girl's night out does not mean she will cheat like your last ex did... sounds like you have some trust issues... counseling can help. You sound very mature for your age, by the way. She's about that age where she should have some maturity, however. Women with integrity who are in love are naturally monogamous. But if she's drunk, all bets are off. Edited March 16, 2015 by Gary S 2
kendahke Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Women with integrity who are in love are naturally monogamous. OP's first sentence: I've recently been on three great dates with a woman In love? I would hope she or he are not in love at the 3 date point. They still don't know one another. 2
Gary S Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 In love? I would hope she or he are not in love at the 3 date point. They still don't know one another. - you are absolutely right - it's too early for true love, I missed that.
Author mr_dave Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 Thanks for all your replies! I do really like her a lot, it's just that I'm mindful/wary of what goes on during nights out, especially if the party is drunk, and most of them are on the prowl for guys, trying to influence the rest. She typically goes out once a fortnight. That said, I could meet a girl who likes sewing on her Saturday nights, but ends up cheating with a knitting instructor. I wouldn't want to control her, my idea of a good relationship is one where both parties are free to have fun/pursue their interests with or without each other, with 100% trust between the two sides. She doesn't like football - that's fine by me, I'm happy to play/ watch games by myself or with my friends. Same with her nights out I guess, if I were to get into a relationship with her, then as long as there is no straying, I would be happy for her to go out. However, on the other hand, I remember a thread I read somewhere, it might have been here, and the question was "Would you date a guy who doesn't drink?" For a lot of female respondees the answer was that drinking such a huge part of their lives that if the guy didn't share in it, it would be a deal breaker. In response to donnivain and LookAtThisPOst in particular, I would be willing to go out every once in a while with her. Maybe also she would enjoy spending some weekends doing the kind of things I find pleasurable? Maybe I'm getting way ahead of myself and should just go with the flow? The word judging has been used a lot, but isn't that what dating is about? Not writing people off as good or bad, but evaluating whether they would be compatible (long term in my case) partners or not? Further to her saying she wouldn't cheat, I know everybody would say that, but she talked rather candidly about the matter. We were talking about past relationships and to her credit she admitted to me that she had unwittingly been the other woman in the past. When she found out he had a girlfriend she outed him, and much trouble ensued. When I last saw her yesterday she was keen to meet up with me this coming weekend for a day date before she goes out with her friends. I think I will set it up so I can get to know her a little better. Thanks for all your advice! 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 If you have doubts now, you'll have doubts later. She's probably not the one for you.
SawtoothMars Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 (edited) Further to her saying she wouldn't cheat, I know everybody would say that, but she talked rather candidly about the matter. We were talking about past relationships and to her credit she admitted to me that she had unwittingly been the other woman in the past. When she found out he had a girlfriend she outed him, and much trouble ensued. Thanks for all your advice! I've never met a woman who will tell you upfront she cheats. I've had a few disclose they cheated in the pass and then profess it will never happen again. Bottom line is that I've learned you can't really trust party girls. They are good for short term stuff... but I would avoid anything serious. They never change because it's part of what they enjoy. Unless you feel like babysitting the kids 2 nights a week while she makes out with other dudes at the club... just save yourself the drama. You should also pay attention to the people she hangs out with. It will tell you a lot about her moral character. Edited May 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed derogatory remark 1
Gary S Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Let me offer another pearl of wisdom. Vices, including alcoholism, are often deal breakers.
Vintage79 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 This is a situation where you compromise and go a with her every once in a while (if she likes it, you shouldn't tell her she can't) - but that doesn't mean you have to go with her whenever she goes out either...make plans with your buddies and just meet up on some other day. That said, if it's a problem for you, you've only met her 3 times - just bail a find someone who's a better match for you. If you're looking for a short term fling, she sounds great, if you're looking for longer term potential, there are a lot of flags and truthfully, you've already started sculpting your view of her (in a negative way), which will ultimately damage your longer term view of her (note, that doesn't necessarily mean destroy, but it will influence it in a negative way that will take a while to weed out). I'd talk to her, get a sense of what her actual interests/desires are, and if it's really important to her, either get used to it, get comfortable hanging out on the weekends with your buddies and not her, or leave her.
Author mr_dave Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 This is a situation where you compromise and go a with her every once in a while (if she likes it, you shouldn't tell her she can't) - but that doesn't mean you have to go with her whenever she goes out either...make plans with your buddies and just meet up on some other day. That said, if it's a problem for you, you've only met her 3 times - just bail a find someone who's a better match for you. If you're looking for a short term fling, she sounds great, if you're looking for longer term potential, there are a lot of flags and truthfully, you've already started sculpting your view of her (in a negative way), which will ultimately damage your longer term view of her (note, that doesn't necessarily mean destroy, but it will influence it in a negative way that will take a while to weed out). I'd talk to her, get a sense of what her actual interests/desires are, and if it's really important to her, either get used to it, get comfortable hanging out on the weekends with your buddies and not her, or leave her. Thanks for your post. I'm not looking for a short term fling, that's just not me. If I were then I wouldn't give a hoot, but I'm looking for someone to have a lasting relationship with. I'll carry on dating her and try to get a better idea of how compatible we are.
Author mr_dave Posted May 15, 2015 Author Posted May 15, 2015 (edited) Update...... So we have been dating a couple of months now, and as I have got to know her better I really like her. She has a lot of plus points! She's very attractive, intelligent (think Ivy league graduate), low maintenance with a good sense of humour and she has the same outlook on the world as I do - fairly conservative. She's great company and I really enjoy the time we spend together. We slept together after several dates - she is understanding when it's over very quickly, it's been a while for me and she's really slim with huge natural 36J boobs. (As a boob guy, I couldn't believe my luck.) I get the impression she's the monogamous type, she says that is her way, and she seemed very genuine. I started this whole thread because she likes to drink and I was having doubts. I'm still having them. She works a very demanding job and has limited free time but when she is free at weekends she likes to let loose in a big way. We see each other maybe once a week (I'd like it to be more) but every other weekend she'll go out with her friends, and every month or so will go back to her home town for nights out with her friends there. As I said earlier I don't have a problem with a potential GF going out for a few drinks with her friends and having a laugh, I understand the appeal, and, although I don't drink myself, I would want for my GF to have fun with her friends. However the emphasis with her is seemingly not on having a chat or catching up, but on getting 'smashed' - drinking as much as possible. The kind of night out that gives British people a terrible reputation abroad... She is meeting a friend (of very dubious character) tomorrow night to, and I quote her, "smash some wine in." When I asked if she'd be free the day after - when her friend leaves, she said she "hopes not to be in a fit state to drive her friend to the train station in the daytime" This friend of hers sounds like an absolute s***, she has affairs with married men, goes out every weekend on the prowl for guys have ONS with, and only sleeps with guys of a certain ethnicity because they are more likely to be well endowed. Even their mutual friends say she is a s***. Rather than going to bars to be able to talk, they are going clubbing. I've yet to go to a club that wasn't just a meat market. If there wasn't the promise of easy meat at clubs, would many guys still go, or would they go somewhere else and shoot pool instead? What should I do? I'm not popular with women at all, I fancy very few women, but now I have found a woman I fancy like mad and seems like a great person. Miracle of miracles, she likes me in return! In some respects I feel like I've won the lottery. However - she drinks excessively and hangs out with a very shady friend. (The rest are all in long term relationships) My ex girlfriend got into a similar crowd, they liked nights out drinking heavily, sleeping around. They would actively encourage her to cheat on me, and sure enough, she did. That's why it makes me so wary.. In my first dates with the current girl she said she was winding back on her drinking. To me it seems it's maybe less often, but just as severe and excessive. Any more thoughts anyone? Edited May 15, 2015 by mr_dave
preraph Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 Look, you're hot for her because she is hot looking and vivacious and exciting -- but you're not a good match. She's 26. Of course she likes going out and clubbing and partying. 1
carhill Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 Since you've been dating a couple months and are intimate, have you had group get-togethers yet? Her friends and your friends doing a backyard party or gathering for a special occasion? If not, something to consider. If so, impressions? I tended to take dating stuff fairly slow and, with my exW, after a couple of months of regular dating had met a number of her friends and some of her family in the course of social interaction. In fact, during that time, I met her best friend, the one we lost last year to alcoholism. Like your GF, she was educated, had a great job, was active in her church and was an exemplary mom, by appearances. However, lurking, there was a problem, one at first I thought nothing of. It took me probably six or seven years of regular contact to figure stuff out. Anyway, my only advice is don't be wowed by the creds or the breasts. Yes, I get it, you think she's hot. BTDT plenty in the past. Hot is nice. So are a host of other aspects of a healthy relationship. One way to look at this is would she be getting a pass on behaviors you might not otherwise entertain if she wasn't hot? Food for thought. If things remain positive in your opinion, continue. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 I would never go to a club to hang out or pick up women. But if a woman I was dating wanted to dress to the nines and spend a night grinding on me, I think I could tolerate it.
d0nnivain Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 I think you two may not be compatible long term. Although you now seem to realize that she is faithful her partying still doesn't suit you. It's probably not going to change & is bound to cause fights. How much do you want to tolerate? 2
losangelena Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 OP, I don't understand why you don't go along to the clubs. You say you don't make a habit of doing such things, but if that's what she's into, I don't understand why you don't go along here and there to see the environment firsthand. Or, offer her an alternative plan for an evening—take her out on a date away from the club and see what she says. Furthermore, if this particular habit of hers is so distasteful to you, then stop seeing her. Eventually, your low opinion of her interests will show and I bet anything that she'll feel judged. Yeah, sure she's hot and a supposed, "complete package," but don't let that blind you to the fact of this glaring issue. Bottom line, you probably won't be able to change her, so don't get bent out of shape when she doesn't comply. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 OP, I don't understand why you don't go along to the clubs. You say you don't make a habit of doing such things, but if that's what she's into, I don't understand why you don't go along here and there to see the environment firsthand. Or, offer her an alternative plan for an evening—take her out on a date away from the club and see what she says. Furthermore, if this particular habit of hers is so distasteful to you, then stop seeing her. Eventually, your low opinion of her interests will show and I bet anything that she'll feel judged. Yeah, sure she's hot and a supposed, "complete package," but don't let that blind you to the fact of this glaring issue. Bottom line, you probably won't be able to change her, so don't get bent out of shape when she doesn't comply. It's true about lifestyle differences being a problem. It doesn't matter how enjoyable a woman's personality is, or how hot the sex is. If her interests are on the polar opposite end of yours, it won't be a good long term fit. But at the same time, maybe you'd find that you like the club environment with the right person. As I said, I absolutely hate clubs and bars too. But, with the right woman they can become enjoyable. Stepping outside your comfort zone can be a good thing. Also, learn the value of compromise. If you go to a club night with her, then she agrees to stay in for a movie night, etc.. It's all about balance. 1
Satu Posted May 15, 2015 Posted May 15, 2015 She has an alcohol problem, in the form of binge drinking. Binge drinking is associated with many health problems, including— Unintentional injuries (e.g., car crashes, falls, burns, drowning) Intentional injuries (e.g., firearm injuries, sexual assault, domestic violence) Alcohol poisoning Sexually transmitted diseases Unintended pregnancy Children born with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders High blood pressure, stroke, and other cardiovascular diseases Liver disease Neurological damage It's not fun, its dangerous. 2
Recommended Posts