Break up of a non-relationship :S

[Luna222]

I’m posting this here just because I need to get it out, and I need to know that I’m not alone. If anyone has anything to say that would help, or help me understand what is happening I’d be so grateful.

 

(Prior to this I have only had one relationship with my high school boyfriend which lasted for nine years. Which explains why I’ve been dumb and naïve, I just had no experience of men).

 

I am living in a foreign country. 4 months ago I met a man and it was love at first sight. I didn’t think that could really happen, but it was. The second I saw him I thought he was the most perfect looking man I’ve ever seen in my life, and I knew I was in trouble….we actually met online and talked for a couple of days before deciding to meet up. Nothing much, just basic details. Then when we met we really hit it off. I knew he liked me to, and we agreed to meet a week later for dinner and drinks. That night was so amazing for me. He was so sweet and romantic…until the end of the night when he was desperately trying to get me into bed. I said no, but I actually really want to sleep with him too. I was just a bit unsure about it because I had thought he was interested in a relationship not just sex (see how naïve I was?). So we met 2 more times after that, just for coffee. We talked and it was great. Also every day since the day I met him we spoke on the phone for at least 1 hour…we’d talk about anything and we connected so well. About 3 weeks later I went to his place and we slept together. Obviously I’d only slept with my ex boyfriend before this, so I don’t have much to compare it with, but it was damn good. Perfect sex. Unfortunately the morning after he told me he doesn’t want a relationship because he’s too busy with work (this is basically true because he works crazy hours).

 

Again, I was naïve so I decided to stick around...I was already hooked, i thought he’d change his mind once he fell in love with me. For the next 2 months we had the same routine, we’d text all day, phone at night, and see each other once a week at the weekend (sometimes we’d go out, but usually it just involved his place and sex). I looked for advice online but I couldn’t seem to find anyone in this kind of situation…it wasn’t just sex, there was so much friendship and affection behind it. So I couldn’t tell if it was going somewhere or not…I knew he wasn’t seeing anyone else though because he had no time and he spent all his free time talking to me.

 

Anyway, because I was falling head over heels in love with him I decided to be smart at last and get away. I’d expected that he would be ok with my decision to stop seeing him, because I assumed that he would eventually get bored of me, and he’d want to find someone else to fool around with….instead, he kept contacting me. He said what we had was really special, and I couldn’t just decide on my own to end it. He said he would never get bored of me, and that he would never hurt me. He even promised that when I returned from an upcoming trip back to my home country he would think about a relationship.

 

So we kept going on as before, then I went home for 1 month. When I returned, we picked up where we’d left off, but the promised talk of a relationship never happened. Instead he kept saying more than ever that he had no time ‘for a relationship with anyone’. It hurt that he kept saying ‘anyone’ and not just me. 2 weeks after I returned, all of a sudden the phone calls stopped. And the messaging was barely existent if there at all. It seemed to start with him going through a really busy period of work which involved 20 hours days and weekends, but the thing is, he was always busy the whole time I’ve known him. It never stopped him from texting me at work…eventually the work calmed down but he still didn’t start calling me again. I messaged him one night to ask if he was still working, and he said he was just lying at home watching tv. That hurt so much….knowing he wasn’t busy but he still didn’t want to call me. I asked him if I had done something wrong and he said no. He just blamed it on work….the next day he messaged me all day but then it went back to nothing the day after. Then one day very recently I went through something really bad in my professional life. I needed to talk to someone. Living on the other side of the world to my best friends and family meant the time difference was too bad for me to call them. So even though I knew I shouldn’t do it, I called him, because he is…or was….my best friend in this country. He listened to me for a while, and I’m ashamed to say I cried, but then he made an excuse about having to go to the supermarket…he’s never cut off a phone call early before, and this was when I was really needing to talk to him...again i felt so hurt. And now today, he has left the country for a week on business. He’s been away before but he always called me from the airport to say goodbye…today there has been nothing.

 

I’m heartbroken. It’s been like this for 3 weeks now. I have stopped messaging him because when he does reply it’s really half-assed. He hasn’t said that he doesn’t want to see me any more…but clearly he doesn’t. I just don’t understand what happened so suddenly….i know me crying on the phone and having problems in my life is a big turn off, but that happened AFTER he stopped calling. Before that I was my normal self…and everything had been fine between us. I don’t understand why he would practically beg me to keep seeing him a couple of months ago (he referred to it as me ‘abandoning’ him) but now he couldn’t care less.

 

Did he just get bored of me? I just can’t believe that he could go from talking to me about everything every day to nothing…and I know he liked the sex….it seems like what we had was perfect for him because he has no time for anything else. I felt like we had a really good connection, and he said we did too….so what went wrong?

 

I’m desperate to just understand the situation…all he says is that he is busy. I’m so heartbroken that all I do is cry. I can’t eat or sleep.

 

I know people will tell me I’m better off without him. But I don’t feel like that. I’d rather spend my remaining year in this country with him in a non-relationship than with anyone else. I don’t think I’d find someone else here anyway. I’m completely in love with him. He has flaws, sure, but I love him anyway. How can I get him back? Can I even get him back?

 

Also I know this isn't exactly a breakup since there was no formal relationship...but what we had was special to me and it hurts much more than when i broke up with my long-term boyfriend.

 

Tldr: seeing a guy for 4 months, speak for ages on the phone every single day, sex at weekends, I love him, I told him I wanted to end it he convinced me to stay and said he would never get bored of me, until 3 weeks ago he suddenly stops contacting me, he says he is busy with work but he was always busy with work, I’m heartbroken and I want things back the way they were. Help

[Satu]

Sorry to hear that you are suffering so much.

 

You should read this.