Vintage79 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Ok - I've been dating a girl for 6 weeks, it's interesting and satisfying, so I won't get into those details. The last few weeks, we've been seeing each other 2-3 times. This past week I was out of the country, we texted a bit when I was gone - she's always responsive, and I just got back yesterday and now she seems to be in overdrive. She was pushing to meet right after I landed, she claimed that she missed me (which she then followed with stating that that was weird for her because she usually doesn't miss people like that), I met her last night about 1.5 hours after I landed (because I wanted to see her as well) and beyond stating the missed me stuff, she was super lovey-dovey, wanting to get very intimate and personal, and really showed me the cards she was holding - which says she's all in. She was calling me today to try to meet again (I didn't), and she seems to have designs to try to meet me most days this week. Basically - I get it, she likely hit the infatuation/love phase and now doesn't know what to do - which results in basically wanting to see me all the time. I'm not opposed to that, but I don't want to burn things out, so I'm thinking about maintaining the status quo of 2-3 dates/meetings per week, regardless of whether or not I have plans on the interim days. Is this a good idea, or should I try to escalate the engagement and see her more often? She seems to be driving things right now, so I don't think I need to do too much. Moreover, I don't have any intention of blowing her off, but I'm simply trying to avoid potential burn out. How often should I see her and how much communication between meetings should we have?
fitnessfan365 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 If you value your independence, you need to let her know that you won't be at her beck and call. There's no need to see her more than 3x a week until you decide you're in an actual relationship with her. It's funny because the thing that's making her feel this way is that you're hard to get, independent, etc.. Yet if you see her every day and lose that sense of self, it will actually make her feel less attraction towards you in the long run. There is absolutely nothing wrong with constant contact when you're in a LTR. But since it's only six weeks in, I think you should probably keep at least 3 days a week for yourself without her. 5
Gary S Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 It's not going to burn out, she is simply falling hard for you. Go be with her! Enjoy it 8
soyou Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 C'mon if you dont have anything else to do (as you said it yourself) and you're falling into her as hard as she's into you. Why witholds the feelings? Life is short. Do whatever make you feel happy. Why worries so much about the future when you dont even know where it may lead to? 6
Diezel Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Set boundaries and precedents. I'm sorry, I just can't agree with those who say, "Do it!" Because later on in the relationship when you do want to do things, there will be hell to pay. Regardless of whether you have things to do or not, you need to establish boundaries, SPECIALLY in the beginning stages. Being with her everyday this early on also sends the message that you are just available whenever. I don't like that so early into the relationship. It's much akin to smothering. 7
road Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Why play games? You like her then see her. You do not like her that much then tell her. 3
kendahke Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Ok - I've been dating a girl for 6 weeks, it's interesting and satisfying, so I won't get into those details. The last few weeks, we've been seeing each other 2-3 times. This past week I was out of the country, we texted a bit when I was gone - she's always responsive, and I just got back yesterday and now she seems to be in overdrive. She was pushing to meet right after I landed, she claimed that she missed me (which she then followed with stating that that was weird for her because she usually doesn't miss people like that), I met her last night about 1.5 hours after I landed (because I wanted to see her as well) and beyond stating the missed me stuff, she was super lovey-dovey, wanting to get very intimate and personal, and really showed me the cards she was holding - which says she's all in. She was calling me today to try to meet again (I didn't), and she seems to have designs to try to meet me most days this week. Basically - I get it, she likely hit the infatuation/love phase and now doesn't know what to do - which results in basically wanting to see me all the time. I'm not opposed to that, but I don't want to burn things out, so I'm thinking about maintaining the status quo of 2-3 dates/meetings per week, regardless of whether or not I have plans on the interim days. Is this a good idea, or should I try to escalate the engagement and see her more often? She seems to be driving things right now, so I don't think I need to do too much. Moreover, I don't have any intention of blowing her off, but I'm simply trying to avoid potential burn out. How often should I see her and how much communication between meetings should we have? You will run the risk of burning things out faster by holding her at bay. She will get the message that you really aren't interested ("he's just not that into you, girl...") and she'll rethink the wisdom in trying to be with someone who is holding her off. You need to have a talk with her about time and space needs. It doesn't sound like you've even talked about that. Apparently, you require space--better tell her that sooner than later so she can decide if it's something she wants to deal with. She seems to be under the impression that you want what she wants--otherwise, she wouldn't be going HAM.
Gaeta Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 If you both feel like being together and time allows it then why not! You are in the infatuation phase why deny this beautiful period to each other. It does not mean you will see each other every day from now on, you'll probably end up spending a lot of time together for a week or 2 then a more reasonable routine will set in. 2
Leigh 87 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 If you both feel like being together and time allows it then why not! You are in the infatuation phase why deny this beautiful period to each other. It does not mean you will see each other every day from now on, you'll probably end up spending a lot of time together for a week or 2 then a more reasonable routine will set in. Yeah, my friend when she first got together with a new guy, they were so infatuated that they spent an entire week together to begin with. Then they insisted upon a set routine - 3 nights and 4 days per week... Tuesdays and weekends... They maintained that routine right up until they moved in together. 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I think you're WAY over thinking things! If you're not careful, it will blow up in your face. Do what feels right and natural. If you're one of those people who is very protective of your alone time to recharge or whatever, that's fine and a conversation should be had regarding this. If you're just freaking out at the thought of too much too soon despite you wanting the same, you need to relax and learn to enjoy this part of the dating process. Good luck. 4
Redhead14 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 (edited) Ok - I've been dating a girl for 6 weeks, it's interesting and satisfying, so I won't get into those details. The last few weeks, we've been seeing each other 2-3 times. This past week I was out of the country, we texted a bit when I was gone - she's always responsive, and I just got back yesterday and now she seems to be in overdrive. She was pushing to meet right after I landed, she claimed that she missed me (which she then followed with stating that that was weird for her because she usually doesn't miss people like that), I met her last night about 1.5 hours after I landed (because I wanted to see her as well) and beyond stating the missed me stuff, she was super lovey-dovey, wanting to get very intimate and personal, and really showed me the cards she was holding - which says she's all in. She was calling me today to try to meet again (I didn't), and she seems to have designs to try to meet me most days this week. Basically - I get it, she likely hit the infatuation/love phase and now doesn't know what to do - which results in basically wanting to see me all the time. I'm not opposed to that, but I don't want to burn things out, so I'm thinking about maintaining the status quo of 2-3 dates/meetings per week, regardless of whether or not I have plans on the interim days. Is this a good idea, or should I try to escalate the engagement and see her more often? She seems to be driving things right now, so I don't think I need to do too much. Moreover, I don't have any intention of blowing her off, but I'm simply trying to avoid potential burn out. How often should I see her and how much communication between meetings should we have? It's OK that she wants to see you everyday, but it's really not a good idea at 6 weeks. Don't let her do all the driving. It should be balanced. Your wants and needs are important too. What is your relationship status? And, have you two had a conversation about what it is your both are looking for for yourselves out of your dating experiences? That is important. You need to be clear in your head about what you want and what she wants. I would open a casual conversation with her about frequency of dates and communications. Say something like "I'd like it if we could have a set schedule for seeing each other and offer a couple of days during the week or weekend and let her respond. If she says she wants everyday, you can tell her that doesn't work for you and that it's good to miss each other a little bit. She probably is just having some "separation" anxiety and worrying. The other way to go with this is, next time you see her, you ask her what her schedule is during the week and tell her you'd like to get together on ______ (a couple of days out). This will tell her she's not seeing you tomorrow, but you do want to see her soon. And at the end of that date/day, you schedule another day a couple of days out and so on. This gives you some control back. And, I would recommend that you call her on the days that you don't get together. This will reassure her while you are apart. Edited March 16, 2015 by Redhead14 1
Versacehottie Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 do what feels natural. don't overthink it. however, i get that you aren't there yet so your instinct not to go all out/every day of the week so it doesn't flame out is correct. You know yourself. Your feelings are not where hers are just yet. If she is the one suggesting to meet up though at a certain point she is going to feel rejected when you say no. Better have good excuses or an honest talk. Good luck.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 C'mon if you dont have anything else to do (as you said it yourself) and you're falling into her as hard as she's into you. Why witholds the feelings? Life is short. Do whatever make you feel happy. Why worries so much about the future when you dont even know where it may lead to? I see what you're saying, however...meeting up with each other every single day?! They're still in the dating stages (I think, OP tell me if I'm mistaken); I think OP is valid with his concerns of there being a possible "burn out" if too much time is spent together. When I'm dating a guy I'm really into, I like keeping together-time limited to 2 - 3 days per week/end. This situation works for me because this way, on the days we're not hanging out together, we can pursue our own interests, spend time with fam & friends and actually build up the desire to WANT to be together again (and to actually miss each other). In the early stages, if I spend too much time with a guy, there's a possibility that I might get bored with him (and vice versa). Absence does make the heart grow fonder...just not TOO MUCH absence. .
Author Vintage79 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 Hey everyone - thanks for the great feedback so far - it's interesting to see that some are saying go all in and others are saying 2-3x/week is ideal. I'll be honest, I'm a bit torn, seeing her is great, but it is definitely disruptive if it's on a daily basis - although really just disruptive in that I don't sleep as well when I'm with her and I can't get to the gym often enough. I do have a few other things going on, but realistically, honest commitments are maybe once a week and maybe a night out with the buddies on the weekend. Fortunately, she hasn't come across as even marginally demanding - she just opens the door, and if I want to walk through, she let's me...she seems to be approaching things in a very healthy way. I'm not one to play games - I'm just trying to find the healthiest balance, for me and whatever we are.
Gary S Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Just have a conversation with her. It's a good problem for you to have. Women in love do it better. Be gentle now! 1
Redhead14 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Hey everyone - thanks for the great feedback so far - it's interesting to see that some are saying go all in and others are saying 2-3x/week is ideal. I'll be honest, I'm a bit torn, seeing her is great, but it is definitely disruptive if it's on a daily basis - although really just disruptive in that I don't sleep as well when I'm with her and I can't get to the gym often enough. I do have a few other things going on, but realistically, honest commitments are maybe once a week and maybe a night out with the buddies on the weekend. Fortunately, she hasn't come across as even marginally demanding - she just opens the door, and if I want to walk through, she let's me...she seems to be approaching things in a very healthy way. I'm not one to play games - I'm just trying to find the healthiest balance, for me and whatever we are. You shouldn't be giving up sleep or your space for anyone at this point even if she is leaving the door open, as you say. And, by the way, she's doing this right which is the reason you are considering being with her more often But, this really shouldn't be happening for you so soon. You are becoming more invested in the relationship than you really should be at this point and so is she. You are at a point where you need to the "dreaded" slow down. But be clear with her that you enjoy being with her, you want to continue seeing her, but that there still needs to be more space. Make is clear that when you say "slow down", that's exactly what you mean. Some men say "let's slow down" when they really mean "I don't want to see you anymore". So clarity is important. Since she seems to understand basically that she needs to leave the door open, she should be able to understand what you are telling her without becoming upset or hurt. If she can't, you may want to end it with her because she's probably going against what her wants really are and struggling with anxiety when you two are apart. She basically giving the "illusion" that she is and wants to give you space by leaving the door open and giving the impression she's giving you freedom and space, but at some point will become stressed out over it and start pushing you harder.
preraph Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Sounds like she's ready to be married. If you are comfortable with having the agreement you are together all the time, then go for it. If not, then don't. If you're not ready for that level of commitment, which is basically you and her are in constant communication or are face to face as if you were married but not sick of each other yet, then don't go there. If you foresee a time in your future when you will not want to see her every day and want the freedom to go do something without her, then set those boundaries now.
rester Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 In my experience, it's easier and healthier to set boundaries as soon as one can in a relationship. If seeing her every day after only 6 weeks is too much, you need to stick with what you are comfortable with before you start neglecting your other obligations and then having to back track away from spending all your time with one another. Meaning, have a conversation with her and discuss how often you both are comfortable seeing each other and reassure her it's not that you're "just not that into her" and that really ARE into her but you want to make sure you have adequate time for the other important things in your life. If she can't accept that, she may not be right for you. I wouldn't personally be able to handle seeing someone every day after only dating 6 weeks, but it's a personal preference and hopefully you can come to some compromise. 1
Author Vintage79 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 Sounds like she's ready to be married. If you are comfortable with having the agreement you are together all the time, then go for it. If not, then don't. If you're not ready for that level of commitment, which is basically you and her are in constant communication or are face to face as if you were married but not sick of each other yet, then don't go there. If you foresee a time in your future when you will not want to see her every day and want the freedom to go do something without her, then set those boundaries now. Preraph, It's possible that she's ready to get married - at least to somebody - she's 32, her younger sister is married and has a kid on the way - I think she's ready for marriage...but she's realistic - that's not what we are. As of now, she hasn't really pushed back at all when I've told her I need to take care of some things, and she doesn't try to force her way in. That may change, but for the time being, it's pretty easy to manage...basically, I think she's relatively comfortable with boundaries, but maybe she's just being nice and secretly hating it.
Author Vintage79 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 In my experience, it's easier and healthier to set boundaries as soon as one can in a relationship. If seeing her every day after only 6 weeks is too much, you need to stick with what you are comfortable with before you start neglecting your other obligations and then having to back track away from spending all your time with one another. Meaning, have a conversation with her and discuss how often you both are comfortable seeing each other and reassure her it's not that you're "just not that into her" and that really ARE into her but you want to make sure you have adequate time for the other important things in your life. If she can't accept that, she may not be right for you. I wouldn't personally be able to handle seeing someone every day after only dating 6 weeks, but it's a personal preference and hopefully you can come to some compromise. I hear you Rester - I'm not planning on seeing her every day right now - a few times a week is great...and as I have mentioned in other posts, at least right now she seems pretty comfortable giving me some space...she just leaves the door open. The concern is that if I don't walk through the door enough times, she may misinterpret it as lack of interest, but right now I think it's ok, and truthfully, if that's the way she is, there's bound to be problems at some point anyhow. That said, I think I should probably have a conversation with her about what she wants/needs - as we may be on different pages.
mightycpa Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I'd have to say she really likes you. The only question you need to ask yourself is how much you like her. Most guys fall pretty fast. Clearly, you're going at different speeds. How many times have I read the end of this story where it doesn't end so well for the one going slower?
Pinkdisney Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I am coming at this from a very different angle because I have kids, FT job, etc,. But I see my bf 1-2x a week as we live 45+ min away from each other. I would (have) liked to see him 3x a week but until we take it to the next level, ie Marriage, that's about all we can do without shirking our other responsibilities. We've been dating almost 3 years.
DazedandConfused8 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Ok - I've been dating a girl for 6 weeks, it's interesting and satisfying, so I won't get into those details. The last few weeks, we've been seeing each other 2-3 times. This past week I was out of the country, we texted a bit when I was gone - she's always responsive, and I just got back yesterday and now she seems to be in overdrive. She was pushing to meet right after I landed, she claimed that she missed me (which she then followed with stating that that was weird for her because she usually doesn't miss people like that), I met her last night about 1.5 hours after I landed (because I wanted to see her as well) and beyond stating the missed me stuff, she was super lovey-dovey, wanting to get very intimate and personal, and really showed me the cards she was holding - which says she's all in. She was calling me today to try to meet again (I didn't), and she seems to have designs to try to meet me most days this week. Basically - I get it, she likely hit the infatuation/love phase and now doesn't know what to do - which results in basically wanting to see me all the time. I'm not opposed to that, but I don't want to burn things out, so I'm thinking about maintaining the status quo of 2-3 dates/meetings per week, regardless of whether or not I have plans on the interim days. Is this a good idea, or should I try to escalate the engagement and see her more often? She seems to be driving things right now, so I don't think I need to do too much. Moreover, I don't have any intention of blowing her off, but I'm simply trying to avoid potential burn out. How often should I see her and how much communication between meetings should we have? 1. What's the problem with seeing her every day? Are you too busy? Will you miss time with your guy friends? Do you just want alone time? Whatever it is - say it. 2. It's been 6 weeks. This girl is into you. You are in a relationship and if you're not comfortable seeing her regularly then you need to tell her that.
DazedandConfused8 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 If you value your independence, you need to let her know that you won't be at her beck and call. There's no need to see her more than 3x a week until you decide you're in an actual relationship with her. Dude, they're in a relationship...
Treasa Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) See her as often as you want, but make sure you're taking enough time for yourself, your own interests your friends, etc. However, that being said, you were out of the country for a week. Maybe she just missed you and was being overly enthusiastic. Edited March 17, 2015 by Treasa 1
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