Cora Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Hi, I'm a little embarrassed posting this. I'm a 32 year old woman who is completely clueless when it comes to dating and relationships, mainly because I haven't had much practice at either. I kind of suck in that department. All I know is that posters from this site have helped me tremendously in the past. I can be quite naive as you can see from my embarrassing posts from several years ago and even some more recent ones. I still cringe every time I read them and will most likely cringe when I read this one too. So please excuse my naivety in advance. Also this is probably going to be really long so I apologize about that too. Anyway, I don't date much and haven't for awhile. I've been a bit afraid to step out of my comfort zone. I've had a lot of heartache in the past (who hasn't?) and most of my encounters with the opposite sex have been flings and pseudo relationships. I'd love to have something more substantial someday though as I'm not getting any younger. I've been on several online dating sites in the past, but never actually go through with meeting them in person or going on a date. I've met a few people in the past in person, but as I've said before they've turned into flings, pseudo relationships or never actually went anywhere. More recently when I start talking to a guy on a dating site and he eventually asks to meet me in person I get scared and turn him down or make up some silly excuse. I know it's a ****ty thing to do and I'm trying to be better at that. Trying not to allow fear to control me anymore. At the end of October 2014, I received an email from this guy off of the dating site I'm currently on. It took me a little over a week to actually respond to his email...not because of lack of interest, but because of fear. I was a bit hesitant as he was 41 and divorced. I know it's not a huge age gap, but I had never dated a guy that much older than me and him being divorced worried me a bit. Really though...what can I expect? It's a bit rare these days to find a guy my age or a bit older who hasn't been married before. I finally realized that was a silly reason to judge him. So I emailed him back and we conversed through email for several weeks before he gave me his number. Continued talking by phone and getting to know each other for awhile. Just before Christmas he suggested we meet. This is the part I dreaded most because I was really getting to like him and now he wanted to meet in person. We agreed upon meeting on the Saturday after Christmas. Despite my attempts of thinking of different excuses I could use to get out of it and multiple times of feeling as if I were going to throw up...I sucked it up and went. We met at a local Starbucks for coffee and a board game. It turned into a 4 hour date and I really enjoyed his company. We couldn't stop laughing. He instantly planned another date just 4 days later on NYE. We met at that same Starbucks for another board game and then later he took me to dinner. It was lovely and we had our first kiss goodnight. The third date he invited me over to his place and he cooked me dinner and we watched a movie. We were having so much fun I did not leave his place until about 3 in the morning. (and no we were not intimate) Date number 4 I invited him to my place and I cooked for him this time. He did not leave until the wee hours of the morning and again no intimacy. He's a very respectable guy. It wasn't until date number 5 we got intimate. The last couple of date have lasted 10 to 12 hours and he's slept over. We don't get to see each other every week due to our conflicting work schedules. (he works 3rd shift and I work 1st). He's also more recently had some health issues that he's trying to work out. What I've learned from the time we've spent together and gotten to know each other....I've grown to really like and care about him. I feel like he feels the same from his actions. There is just so much more I'd love to know about him. Like how long he was married and why his marriage ended etc.? I just don't know if it's too soon to ask these things or if it's even my place? He doesn't openly volunteer information and he told me when I first met him that he's hard to get close to. He did however open up to me recently about his time in the military (he was in the marines for several years) and a friend of his who he's worried about who suffers from ptsd and depression. He's also been telling me more and more about his family. However, as far as where "we" stand he says nothing. I have no clue what he wants out of this or if he ever wants a committed relationship? I'd like to bring this conversation up soon, but don't know how? Or rather I'm afraid to as I don't want to push him away. I don't know how this relationship thing works as I've never really actually been in one. I don't think he's dating anyone else, but then again it's just speculation on my part. He did awhile back I felt try to hint around to see if I was seeing other guys. One weekend when he had to work he said "At least it will give you a chance to see your other dating prospects." We've both made these little hints of suggestions to see where the other stands in regards to dating other people, but never actually come right out with it. I'm currently not seeing anyone else, but I don't know about him. I'd like to know though especially since we are being intimate now. I know it sounds silly, but I guess I'm just afraid of his answer...afraid that he does not want anything exclusive. I am comfortable with taking things slow...I'd just like to know where we stand, what he wants and what goes on in that mind of his. I just don't want to be six months, a year down the road and still not know where we stand and potentially be hurt that much more. Any tips/advice/words of wisdom of how to go about this for someone who is a bit rusty? Thanks in advance...
DoesntGetIt Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 You started seeing him since the end of December, it is perfectly normal to have a conversation with him about what you both want out of this relationship. Just bring it up calmly and openly. Know that you might need to tell him to take some time to think about it since you brought it up on him and not everyone does great in the moment. But the only way to know is to have a conversation about wanting to be exclusive with him. Going into that conversation you have to decide what you're ok with. If he says he is not willing to be exclusive, is that something you are truly ok with? If not, you need to be ready for that moment and your response. As far as his history goes, you two should have talked about that by now. It has been 2.5 months and you were talking before you met up for a little while it seems. I'm a divorced guy with a kid. I'm always open and ready for any questions about my past as any person I'm going to be with has a right to know. I don't ever just blurt it out, but I am always willing when the other person hits the point where they want to ask and know more. It is something that divorced people know is coming. So just ask him about it. I just got asked some questions about it on my second date, it usually comes up pretty early (earlier for me since there is a kid involved too and I make sure anyone I'm going on a date with is 100% aware of that fact up front). 2
Redhead14 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Hi, I'm a little embarrassed posting this. I'm a 32 year old woman who is completely clueless when it comes to dating and relationships, mainly because I haven't had much practice at either. I kind of suck in that department. All I know is that posters from this site have helped me tremendously in the past. I can be quite naive as you can see from my embarrassing posts from several years ago and even some more recent ones. I still cringe every time I read them and will most likely cringe when I read this one too. So please excuse my naivety in advance. Also this is probably going to be really long so I apologize about that too. Anyway, I don't date much and haven't for awhile. I've been a bit afraid to step out of my comfort zone. I've had a lot of heartache in the past (who hasn't?) and most of my encounters with the opposite sex have been flings and pseudo relationships. I'd love to have something more substantial someday though as I'm not getting any younger. I've been on several online dating sites in the past, but never actually go through with meeting them in person or going on a date. I've met a few people in the past in person, but as I've said before they've turned into flings, pseudo relationships or never actually went anywhere. More recently when I start talking to a guy on a dating site and he eventually asks to meet me in person I get scared and turn him down or make up some silly excuse. I know it's a ****ty thing to do and I'm trying to be better at that. Trying not to allow fear to control me anymore. At the end of October 2014, I received an email from this guy off of the dating site I'm currently on. It took me a little over a week to actually respond to his email...not because of lack of interest, but because of fear. I was a bit hesitant as he was 41 and divorced. I know it's not a huge age gap, but I had never dated a guy that much older than me and him being divorced worried me a bit. Really though...what can I expect? It's a bit rare these days to find a guy my age or a bit older who hasn't been married before. I finally realized that was a silly reason to judge him. So I emailed him back and we conversed through email for several weeks before he gave me his number. Continued talking by phone and getting to know each other for awhile. Just before Christmas he suggested we meet. This is the part I dreaded most because I was really getting to like him and now he wanted to meet in person. We agreed upon meeting on the Saturday after Christmas. Despite my attempts of thinking of different excuses I could use to get out of it and multiple times of feeling as if I were going to throw up...I sucked it up and went. We met at a local Starbucks for coffee and a board game. It turned into a 4 hour date and I really enjoyed his company. We couldn't stop laughing. He instantly planned another date just 4 days later on NYE. We met at that same Starbucks for another board game and then later he took me to dinner. It was lovely and we had our first kiss goodnight. The third date he invited me over to his place and he cooked me dinner and we watched a movie. We were having so much fun I did not leave his place until about 3 in the morning. (and no we were not intimate) Date number 4 I invited him to my place and I cooked for him this time. He did not leave until the wee hours of the morning and again no intimacy. He's a very respectable guy. It wasn't until date number 5 we got intimate. The last couple of date have lasted 10 to 12 hours and he's slept over. We don't get to see each other every week due to our conflicting work schedules. (he works 3rd shift and I work 1st). He's also more recently had some health issues that he's trying to work out. What I've learned from the time we've spent together and gotten to know each other....I've grown to really like and care about him. I feel like he feels the same from his actions. There is just so much more I'd love to know about him. Like how long he was married and why his marriage ended etc.? I just don't know if it's too soon to ask these things or if it's even my place? He doesn't openly volunteer information and he told me when I first met him that he's hard to get close to. He did however open up to me recently about his time in the military (he was in the marines for several years) and a friend of his who he's worried about who suffers from ptsd and depression. He's also been telling me more and more about his family. However, as far as where "we" stand he says nothing. I have no clue what he wants out of this or if he ever wants a committed relationship? I'd like to bring this conversation up soon, but don't know how? Or rather I'm afraid to as I don't want to push him away. I don't know how this relationship thing works as I've never really actually been in one. I don't think he's dating anyone else, but then again it's just speculation on my part. He did awhile back I felt try to hint around to see if I was seeing other guys. One weekend when he had to work he said "At least it will give you a chance to see your other dating prospects." We've both made these little hints of suggestions to see where the other stands in regards to dating other people, but never actually come right out with it. I'm currently not seeing anyone else, but I don't know about him. I'd like to know though especially since we are being intimate now. I know it sounds silly, but I guess I'm just afraid of his answer...afraid that he does not want anything exclusive. I am comfortable with taking things slow...I'd just like to know where we stand, what he wants and what goes on in that mind of his. I just don't want to be six months, a year down the road and still not know where we stand and potentially be hurt that much more. Any tips/advice/words of wisdom of how to go about this for someone who is a bit rusty? Thanks in advance... You need to get clear about what page you two are on now first and foremost. It is OK to broach the subject with him but in a casual way and just to simply state what it is you are looking for out of your dating journey/experiences. You can say, you enjoy spending time with him, cite somethings you like about him and the relationship so far and then say that you are hoping to find someone to have a long-term committed relationship with at some point. Don't be specific about him though and then let him talk. If he skirts the issue or tells you he doesn't want the same thing for himself, you may need to consider ending the relationship. Since you two are intimate too, you might as well address that too. Start out with "I enjoy being intimate with you and I am not seeing anyone else nor do I intend to because we are intimate". And, let him talk again. It is not too soon to clarify things. Broaching the subject in a casual way is not going to change the outcome/his response. So, it's not about scaring him off. It's about protecting your heart and minimizing the potential for being hurt. It will hurt anyway, but it will be less difficult if it happens sooner than later. 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Couple quick tips, ladies feel free to correct me: Most guys will ask you out for a drink or something casual after ~5 messages. Read their profile and messages and quickly assess whether you are interested or not. If you think they have potential, agree to the meet. OLD is just an introduction, you still have to meet someone to find out about them Don't put out sex early if you really like a guy. If he really likes you he'll keep coming back to see you even if you don't have sex until Date #8If you like a guy, be sure that you give him signs of interest. If you are acting cold and aloof, guys will be less keen to escalate things with you (physical contact, kissing you, etc.)Be yourself and try to have fun on the date(s). 3
BluEyeL Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Your past posts are a train wreck so in comparison, this is better. However, you do have to discuss the relationship status and especially exclusivity with a man before having sex with him. Now you already had sex , you should bring it up of course so you can cut bait if necessary. Also, it's completely fine to ask him personal questions. Heck I ask at the first date, not 3 months in!! Another thing is, no matter what the excuse, you should see each other once a week at the minimum. If he's not doing that, for me it's a red flag. Ask him about exclusivity and see what he says. 1
Author Cora Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 You started seeing him since the end of December, it is perfectly normal to have a conversation with him about what you both want out of this relationship. Just bring it up calmly and openly. Know that you might need to tell him to take some time to think about it since you brought it up on him and not everyone does great in the moment. But the only way to know is to have a conversation about wanting to be exclusive with him. Going into that conversation you have to decide what you're ok with. If he says he is not willing to be exclusive, is that something you are truly ok with? If not, you need to be ready for that moment and your response. As far as his history goes, you two should have talked about that by now. It has been 2.5 months and you were talking before you met up for a little while it seems. I'm a divorced guy with a kid. I'm always open and ready for any questions about my past as any person I'm going to be with has a right to know. I don't ever just blurt it out, but I am always willing when the other person hits the point where they want to ask and know more. It is something that divorced people know is coming. So just ask him about it. I just got asked some questions about it on my second date, it usually comes up pretty early (earlier for me since there is a kid involved too and I make sure anyone I'm going on a date with is 100% aware of that fact up front). Thank you so much for your input. I completely agree with what you've said. I've never really thought about it, but you are right about me needing to be prepared with a response if he doesn't want to be exclusive. I'd be lying if I told him I was ok with it and that wouldn't do him nor me any favors. Whether he does or doesn't want it....I DO want exclusivity. I'm tired of the casual flings that I settled for in the past. Not that there is anything wrong with that...it's just not for me. This conversation will have to wait until this weekend though as that is when we will most likely get to see each other. This is something I'd rather talk about in person than through text or over a phone call. Sometimes body language can speak louder than words. I figured I'd start off by asking him questions about his marriage...not too many questions, just a few basic ones and then ease into asking him what he is looking for from there and last but not least the exclusive talk. Or would that be too much to hit him with in one night?
Author Cora Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 You need to get clear about what page you two are on now first and foremost. It is OK to broach the subject with him but in a casual way and just to simply state what it is you are looking for out of your dating journey/experiences. You can say, you enjoy spending time with him, cite somethings you like about him and the relationship so far and then say that you are hoping to find someone to have a long-term committed relationship with at some point. Don't be specific about him though and then let him talk. If he skirts the issue or tells you he doesn't want the same thing for himself, you may need to consider ending the relationship. Since you two are intimate too, you might as well address that too. Start out with "I enjoy being intimate with you and I am not seeing anyone else nor do I intend to because we are intimate". And, let him talk again. It is not too soon to clarify things. Broaching the subject in a casual way is not going to change the outcome/his response. So, it's not about scaring him off. It's about protecting your heart and minimizing the potential for being hurt. It will hurt anyway, but it will be less difficult if it happens sooner than later. Great advice...thank you!
Author Cora Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 Couple quick tips, ladies feel free to correct me: Most guys will ask you out for a drink or something casual after ~5 messages. Read their profile and messages and quickly assess whether you are interested or not. If you think they have potential, agree to the meet. OLD is just an introduction, you still have to meet someone to find out about them Don't put out sex early if you really like a guy. If he really likes you he'll keep coming back to see you even if you don't have sex until Date #8If you like a guy, be sure that you give him signs of interest. If you are acting cold and aloof, guys will be less keen to escalate things with you (physical contact, kissing you, etc.)Be yourself and try to have fun on the date(s). Very true...
Author Cora Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 Your past posts are a train wreck so in comparison, this is better. However, you do have to discuss the relationship status and especially exclusivity with a man before having sex with him. Now you already had sex , you should bring it up of course so you can cut bait if necessary. Also, it's completely fine to ask him personal questions. Heck I ask at the first date, not 3 months in!! Another thing is, no matter what the excuse, you should see each other once a week at the minimum. If he's not doing that, for me it's a red flag. Ask him about exclusivity and see what he says. I know I know my past posts are cringe worthy! Thank you so much for your advice. I would normally agree with you on the whole seeing each other once a week thing and I think that's more than sufficient. However, our work scheduled really differ. When I get home from work he is just getting up for work so weekdays are pretty much out. Weekends are when we normally see each other and we normally do see each other once every weekend, but some weekends he has to work and recently he had been really sick so we didn't get to see each other as much as we wanted. When we do see each other our time together is anywhere from 8-12 hours long at a time. I also like a lot of alone time and usually after our dates I like to have time alone to think. I feel like this comes across as me making excuses for him, but that's really not what I'm trying to do here. Anyway, I am just going to suck it up and have the talk with him. I can't be scared of this conversation forever.
DoesntGetIt Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Thank you so much for your input. I completely agree with what you've said. I've never really thought about it, but you are right about me needing to be prepared with a response if he doesn't want to be exclusive. I'd be lying if I told him I was ok with it and that wouldn't do him nor me any favors. Whether he does or doesn't want it....I DO want exclusivity. I'm tired of the casual flings that I settled for in the past. Not that there is anything wrong with that...it's just not for me. This conversation will have to wait until this weekend though as that is when we will most likely get to see each other. This is something I'd rather talk about in person than through text or over a phone call. Sometimes body language can speak louder than words. I figured I'd start off by asking him questions about his marriage...not too many questions, just a few basic ones and then ease into asking him what he is looking for from there and last but not least the exclusive talk. Or would that be too much to hit him with in one night? The "where is this going/exclusive" talk is absolutely a conversation to have in person. As long as everything is handled calmly, I don't think asking him questions about his past and talking about what you both want out of the relationship is too much for one night. If for some reason things get heated when talking about his ex, then you'd want to hold off on the other conversation. You probably do want to have the conversation about his past first (I don't know that it is necessary to have that in person, so you could bring that up when talking to him during the week as well to space things out). You probably have a good idea about who this guy is at this point, but still there is always the chance that something surprising comes out of his history that might change you wanting to talk about exclusivity. Since you know you want to be exclusive and don't want casual, make sure that if he says he doesn't want this to become serious, that you stick to your beliefs and know that does mean you may have to end things.
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