Hard time believing any of it was real

[pilsner86]

I am really struggling with wondering that anything was real while we were together, and I don’t want to feel that way. Any insight on the behavior would be appreciated.

 

3 years, 2 living together in US, 7 mos US-France. Me-28, Him–29. He was on visa, working in my group for research. Things were great, traveled a few places, met my family at christmas, were part of our lives, we loved each other. Fast forward two years, he applies for a few US jobs, but ultimately receives an offer to go back to his French university. We decided to try and work it out and see where I can find a job when I finish my grad degree. We went 6 mos before I could come visit him and family in France at Christmas for two weeks. It was a great trip, he even took me to Paris as a surprise. We didn’t really know what was going to happen since I was still looking for jobs and we both were unsure of where to live but we said we wouldn’t give up on each other.

 

A month later he ends it saying that I was never going to stay in France or ever move there, and we wanted different things. That he couldn’t change his feelings being less and didn't want to continue us. That he got “close” to a girl he works with since I left after Christmas. That they kissed a few times in between him telling me that he loved me. He said that he told me because he knew it was wrong. He didn’t even know if it would work out with her because she would be finding a new job in 6 mos.

 

The week before this I had actually made a list to find places to work near him in France and was preparing applications. It was devastating to say it lightly. I had a small part of me wondering if we should go on, but I never thought it would end because of another girl.

 

He never said anything about spending time with another girl and having feelings for someone else.

His feelings changed after Christmas.

He denied having anything to do with her before Christmas.

That he liked to spend time with her and talk to her in French rather than English. (he is fluent in English…)

He said that I was his best friend and partner…in the US.

He said he’s happy with her, being by family, his friends, and job.

That he won’t contact me because he knows what he did was wrong.

 

He said that I would always be part of his life and he was glad we had the time we did while he was in the US.

He said that I meant something to him. And that I still do but different than before.

He said we could talk anytime I wanted. But talk about what??

 

Was any of it real? Or was I just a fool? How can feelings change that fast, its like flipping a switch.

 

I thought I was ok this week but it all just sucks. And to have thoughts that he already wants to be with someone even before we broke up. I literally feel replaced. I went 4 wks NC then broke it to ask these same questions, obviously I didn't feel better. Sent him an email wondering how he could be so ****ty and tell him off. Since then I have blocked everything about him. Except for my own thoughts. Any advice is appreciated.

[Karin2rinkashi]

I don't really know what to tell you. I am not an expert. But the same thing happened to me and my gf. On Feb 14 she called out of the blue and said "I don't want this anymore" When 5 days before she was sending me pictures of houses that she thinks we should buy in her city and we can stay there. Talks of future and what not. I don't know really, how people just turn their feelings on and off...

 

But i read this article on LS about Grass is Green (GIG). Mine fit perfectly to that scenario. Maybe you want to read that and see if you can blend it down to. She told me about a guy too, that she could have all that she has with me, but with him. Because he is right there and i am not. I was so hurt by that statement and mind boggled.

 

I don't know... how you can love someone and then not love someone...

Maybe they don't know what love is, or maybe they have a different kind of love ( I don't want it).

 

You should move on! Do you really think it will help you to know anything more than what you already do? The answer is still the same. You gotta move on! and me too..

[Ruby65]

Oh, sweetie.... I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

The sad truth is, it's time to start ignoring the things he told you. Just forget anything he said that was positive, or hinting toward a future, or anything about his past with this other girl -- it's all just what he thinks you want to hear, things to make himself seem like not such an awful person in your eyes.

 

I've been in your shoes, and I won't lie it's a hard journey back -- but you WILL feel better, in time.

 

It's good that you got it out and told him how you feel -- and it's good that you blocked him afterwards.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Keep posting!

[pilsner86]

It's not a past with this girl, he's only been working with her for a couple of months. He left me for someone new.

 

I am avoiding him at all costs now, I mean we have an ocean between us... But how do you turn off the thoughts of them with someone else? All the things they told you? My issue is I have a ton on my plate right now and I really need to focus on finishing my grad degree other than wondering if the last three years meant anything. Between no focus and lack of motivation, I am struggling.

[harkkam]

It's not a past with this girl, he's only been working with her for a couple of months. He left me for someone new.

 

I am avoiding him at all costs now, I mean we have an ocean between us... But how do you turn off the thoughts of them with someone else? All the things they told you? My issue is I have a ton on my plate right now and I really need to focus on finishing my grad degree other than wondering if the last three years meant anything. Between no focus and lack of motivation, I am struggling.

 

I'm really sorry, I just posted on the forums about women being like light switches but I guess men can do it to. The only thing I can tell you is that love is very volatile and goes up fast and comes crashing down fast too. So just give it a small part of your being I know its hard and I'm learning too but the idea is to not let love be an all consuming feeling because it is just so unpredictable

[Satu]

Go here and read everything.

[LYNNLH]

It's not a past with this girl, he's only been working with her for a couple of months. He left me for someone new.

 

I am avoiding him at all costs now, I mean we have an ocean between us... But how do you turn off the thoughts of them with someone else? All the things they told you? My issue is I have a ton on my plate right now and I really need to focus on finishing my grad degree other than wondering if the last three years meant anything. Between no focus and lack of motivation, I am struggling.

 

I feel so much for you dear. Mine is worse..7 years..and he planned it (you can read my story) I'm struggling as well..Having severe setbacks for the past week..been crying myself to sleep which I haven't done in a while.

 

I understand the feelings you are going through right now..Trust me I really do...

 

I guess there is nothing much we can do but let time heal us..

[LYNNLH]

I need to add..it's always NEVER out of the blue..NOT about flipping a switch just like that in them..trust me..they checked out a long time ago..his feelings didn't change after Xmas..it changed way longer before..it's just that the freakin' coward couldn't muster up his courage to tell you until he was well prepared..

[pilsner86]

I need to add..it's always NEVER out of the blue..NOT about flipping a switch just like that in them..trust me..they checked out a long time ago..his feelings didn't change after Xmas..it changed way longer before..it's just that the freakin' coward couldn't muster up his courage to tell you until he was well prepared..

 

Thank you LYNNLH. I read your story, heartbreaking to say the least. I am sorry that you went through it too.

 

I know I don't want him back either, not after betrayal and the **** feeling I have now. I thought it was worth it then, to try long distance. When he got the in France, we had a talk when he came back for the last two months. I gave him the option to end it then and there. But he was the one who said let's keep going and make it work, I love you. He even paid for my flight out there for Christmas and surprise Paris trip. We had a talk while I was there, but he said that he could see a future with me and that he wanted me to move there with him. He had an out there too but didn't take it. (now that i think about it, he was probably too chicken **** to say because we were staying at his mom's house and I had a couple days to be there yet). So I know it wasn't totally out of the blue or a switch. It was just a huge shock to go from telling me he loved me in our usual Skype conversations one day to literally ending us and telling me there is someone else the very next day.

 

I too had my doubts about the relationship after I left him, but I very much loved him. But I looked for jobs near him, thinking that if I got one of them I would really have to make a choice whether I wanted to be in France with him. About what I really wanted for my life and what to do. I knew he wasn't as ready as I was for settling down and starting a family but I thought that if we closed the distance it would help. And in hindsight 20/20 right, I wish I would have ended it when he left the US, when he left me the first time.

 

I wasn't ready to let go of the relationship yet. Not in the middle of finishing my dissertation which has already taken me almost six years to be done. Not in the middle of trying to find jobs. Not in the middle of selling my condo. Not in the middle of a family health issue.

 

And I certainly wasn't ever thinking he would leave me for someone else he works with. I definitely don't want him back after that. My respect, trust and love is near zero. I still care for him because he was part of my life. But I don't want these feelings of betrayal, humiliation, low self-esteem, low confidence anymore. He doesn't deserve to take over my thoughts, to make me feel any worse than I already do, to question my own thoughts and feelings. And I know it ended for the best I really do. I just wish it didn't end the way it did.

 

The emotional roller coaster of grieving the loss of a relationship, friendship, dreams, love, is way too much right now. Funny how sometimes you wish you had more hours in day. Right now all I wish is that time would go faster.

[LYNNLH]

Thank you LYNNLH. I read your story, heartbreaking to say the least. I am sorry that you went through it too.

 

I know I don't want him back either, not after betrayal and the **** feeling I have now. I thought it was worth it then, to try long distance. When he got the in France, we had a talk when he came back for the last two months. I gave him the option to end it then and there. But he was the one who said let's keep going and make it work, I love you. He even paid for my flight out there for Christmas and surprise Paris trip. We had a talk while I was there, but he said that he could see a future with me and that he wanted me to move there with him. He had an out there too but didn't take it. (now that i think about it, he was probably too chicken **** to say because we were staying at his mom's house and I had a couple days to be there yet). So I know it wasn't totally out of the blue or a switch. It was just a huge shock to go from telling me he loved me in our usual Skype conversations one day to literally ending us and telling me there is someone else the very next day.

 

I too had my doubts about the relationship after I left him, but I very much loved him. But I looked for jobs near him, thinking that if I got one of them I would really have to make a choice whether I wanted to be in France with him. About what I really wanted for my life and what to do. I knew he wasn't as ready as I was for settling down and starting a family but I thought that if we closed the distance it would help. And in hindsight 20/20 right, I wish I would have ended it when he left the US, when he left me the first time.

 

I wasn't ready to let go of the relationship yet. Not in the middle of finishing my dissertation which has already taken me almost six years to be done. Not in the middle of trying to find jobs. Not in the middle of selling my condo. Not in the middle of a family health issue.

 

And I certainly wasn't ever thinking he would leave me for someone else he works with. I definitely don't want him back after that. My respect, trust and love is near zero. I still care for him because he was part of my life. But I don't want these feelings of betrayal, humiliation, low self-esteem, low confidence anymore. He doesn't deserve to take over my thoughts, to make me feel any worse than I already do, to question my own thoughts and feelings. And I know it ended for the best I really do. I just wish it didn't end the way it did.

 

The emotional roller coaster of grieving the loss of a relationship, friendship, dreams, love, is way too much right now. Funny how sometimes you wish you had more hours in day. Right now all I wish is that time would go faster.

 

I totally share the same feelings as you do. The hardest part is getting over the betrayal after we have put so much trust in them..only to have them turn around and bite us..(I have a name for my ex now..Piece of ****..POS..I refer him as that whenever I talk to my mom and close friends)

 

Yes..they do dominate our thoughts..it's like having them on our minds 24 / 7 and funny thing is..they don't even think about us. Not fair but we cannot deny that we have been hurt tremendously and our brain perceives this as a physical trauma..that is why we feel the way we do right now. We have no choice but to accept these feelings as we go along each day..looking forward to the day when the pain finally subsides. We will get there eventually.

 

Let's both look forward to that and in the meantime..find solace that you are not alone on this journey, dear. I am with you. I feel and go through each day feeling as you do..one day we will make it through..because there is really no shortcut to this.

 

One day..all this soon shall pass and these two faced cowards will not have a single power over us.

 

Meantime..remember..keep NC..I too have more than once..wanted to write an email to him, detailing how much he has hurt and betrayed me but the end of the day.. I do not do it because there simply isn't any point to do so. And each day, I tell myself how proud I am that I'm keeping NC and I no longer any contact with the POS for the rest of my life.

 

You know what?..On the brighter side of things..like my mom said..be thankful that at least our POS stays in another country and we will never cross path with them ever again..some people literally still have to face their POS daily at work..At least we can thank our luck stars a little bit there..right?

[LYNNLH]

 

I gave him the option to end it then and there. But he was the one who said let's keep going and make it work, I love you. He even paid for my flight out there for Christmas and surprise Paris trip. We had a talk while I was there, but he said that he could see a future with me and that he wanted me to move there with him. He had an out there too but didn't take it. (now that i think about it, he was probably too chicken **** to say because we were staying at his mom's house and I had a couple days to be there yet)

 

Yes..he is a coward. He hasn't yet at that time muster up his lame-ass non-existent 'courage' to tell you face to face..to later on tell you via SKYPE..

 

Just like in my case, the POS in his worst cowardice way..gave me false hope that I will move over to his country eventually later in the year when he never had the plan to get me over there all long..only to break up with me through the phone..

 

They are nothing but despicable cowards..

[pilsner86]

You know what?..On the brighter side of things..like my mom said..be thankful that at least our POS stays in another country and we will never cross path with them ever again..some people literally still have to face their POS daily at work..At least we can thank our luck stars a little bit there..right?

 

Haha, I totally refer to him as POS too! Yes I try to think to myself every time I miss him or wish it didn't happen. That yes they are in a different country. Thank god I don't work or live with him anymore. That I never moved to another country for someone who had lukewarm feelings for me. That we didn't get married or have kids. Serious kudos to those people who can move on after that.

 

Thank you so much for your words. Definitely helped me get through my evening, and with a smile at the POS comment.

[ManyDissapoint]

Yes..he is a coward. He hasn't yet at that time muster up his lame-ass non-existent 'courage' to tell you face to face..to later on tell you via SKYPE..

 

Just like in my case, the POS in his worst cowardice way..gave me false hope that I will move over to his country eventually later in the year when he never had the plan to get me over there all long..only to break up with me through the phone..

 

They are nothing but despicable cowards..

 

My ex did the exact same thing. Claimed she would wait for me 10 years if she had to, said we could get married before she left if it would put my heart at ease (lol). I emotionally supported her for a month while she was looking for a job. Since she was employed at my business she waited a month so that she could use me for a reference. As soon as she got a job, bam, "I can't do this" via skype TEXT.