What's the point of marriage/love/relationships its so fickle

March 15, 2015

I'm 28 and I recently had a fling with a woman who said she likes me but a relationship would never work.

I was upset for a few days, but then I started reading stories about people who had been married for years and had children and were breaking up. It put my pain in perspective, 1 month vs years and a home and children it didn't even compare.

Then it got me thinking about love and women in general and after my own personal experiences and the stories I've been reading, I see a general theme that allows me to establish some general rules about love and marriage.

1. Women's emotions tend to be fickle and change like the wind. I've noticed that you could be happy for 3 years and the last three months she gets bored and cheats or dumps you. That when she says she loves you, she loves you right now, but tommorow might not and find another guy more attractive and say she never loved you.

2. With women's emotions being so unstable I think I'm going to make a few changes on how I've looked at love:

a) Make the positive energy and love only about 10% of the positive energy that your own life brings you. Regardless of dating or married. Anymore than this I've seen that it puts a spear right through your heart.

b) Get a pre-nup before getting married, I don't care how much you love me, I know things change like a light switch, so either a pre-nup or no marriage

c) Don't be surprised that a marriage or relationship has ended because the statistics are not in your favor, most people don't get their happily ever after without breakups and even a few divorces. So if it happens to you its not the worst thing ever, lots of guys have gone through it before.

d) Keep lots of female friends in your life to always keep you balenced. When you start dating that being only 10% percent of your life becomes 20, 40 etc percent. Then the light switch hits you "don't love you anymore" "just don't get along" "I just don't feel the same way" Rather than going through the soul crushing pain, if love is only 10% and you have female friends you can easily just say goodbye thanks for the ride.

I don't think love long term, married till 60 is very possible in today's society, its the exception not the norm. So it would be better to set my expectations lower and better to be surprised if a woman loves me year after year and doesn't cheat.

March 15, 2015

I'm 28 and I recently had a fling with a woman who said she likes me but a relationship would never work.

I was upset for a few days, but then I started reading stories about people who had been married for years and had children and were breaking up. It put my pain in perspective, 1 month vs years and a home and children it didn't even compare.

Then it got me thinking about love and women in general and after my own personal experiences and the stories I've been reading, I see a general theme that allows me to establish some general rules about love and marriage.

1. Women's emotions tend to be fickle and change like the wind. I've noticed that you could be happy for 3 years and the last three months she gets bored and cheats or dumps you. That when she says she loves you, she loves you right now, but tommorow might not and find another guy more attractive and say she never loved you.

2. With women's emotions being so unstable I think I'm going to make a few changes on how I've looked at love:

a) Make the positive energy and love only about 10% of the positive energy that your own life brings you. Regardless of dating or married. Anymore than this I've seen that it puts a spear right through your heart.

b) Get a pre-nup before getting married, I don't care how much you love me, I know things change like a light switch, so either a pre-nup or no marriage

c) Don't be surprised that a marriage or relationship has ended because the statistics are not in your favor, most people don't get their happily ever after without breakups and even a few divorces. So if it happens to you its not the worst thing ever, lots of guys have gone through it before.

d) Keep lots of female friends in your life to always keep you balenced. When you start dating that being only 10% percent of your life becomes 20, 40 etc percent. Then the light switch hits you "don't love you anymore" "just don't get along" "I just don't feel the same way" Rather than going through the soul crushing pain, if love is only 10% and you have female friends you can easily just say goodbye thanks for the ride.

I don't think love long term, married till 60 is very possible in today's society, its the exception not the norm. So it would be better to set my expectations lower and better to be surprised if a woman loves me year after year and doesn't cheat.

Wondering the same thing. I think modern women these days get way too much attention due to social media and online dating. Always in search of the elusive butterflies and intensity. Always looking for the next best thing. Women are cats, men are dogs.

March 15, 2015

This sounds really sexist. Yes, heartbreak sucks and being dumped sucks even worse. But I wouldn't want to go through life without an emotional connection. Maybe that's just me.

March 15, 2015

This sounds really sexist. Yes, heartbreak sucks and being dumped sucks even worse. But I wouldn't want to go through life without an emotional connection. Maybe that's just me.

Im not really concerned about being sexist or not, its just what I've observed in my life and what I've observed in other people's lives.

I want an emotional connection too, but usually it is satisfying for a year then its all gone.

Don't establish a long term contract ie. marriage with a transient creature.

I'm not even concerned about women are like this, just that they are and I should prepare myself better mentally.

I could be sitting across from you smiling and laughing and this could be our 10th date, before I would get all excited and happy that I met someone that I connect with and that we will probably have a 11th 12th date as well.

But then now I'll be more aware that this date went well and that's all it means, that on the 11th date I might not be as interesting as I was so then dates 1 through 10 get erased. I would in the past just say "what happened I thought she liked me?" and she did like you, but date 11 wasn't giving her the feelings of date 1-10 so its astalavista to you.

Nothing is permanent in the heart of a woman I've seen it many times. Best is just to take it a day at a time and not be surprised that she could do a 180 tommorow and leave.

March 15, 2015

All relationships end from either a breakup, divorce, or death. One of those 3 things will inevitably happen to any and everybody in a relationship in the entire world, I promise you that. You should still pursue relationships and love regardless. Not to contradict myself, but don't be so dismal!

We are slowly dying right now. Live and love.

March 15, 2015

Wondering the same thing. I think modern women these days get way too much attention due to social media and online dating. Always in search of the elusive butterflies and intensity. Always looking for the next best thing. Women are cats, men are dogs.

Could not agree with this more. Especially as when they're having relationship issues, they tend to post about it on social media rather than talking the problems through and finding a solution. Posting about the problems means boys are well aware she may not be 100% happy in her relationship, and they swoop in, start talking to her, telling her how bad her boyfriend is, and eventually just sit and wait for them to break up.

March 15, 2015

What's the point of marriage/love/relationships its so fickle
I'm 28 and I recently had a fling with a woman who said she likes me but a relationship would never work.

While I admire your realism, I hope optimism will find you again someday, as you are quite young.

That said, at the other end of life, reflecting on all the moments, I find it difficult to argue against your points of discussion.

One thing I will add is that I personally found healthy relationships with men to be very integral to balance, both as a single man, married man, and now divorced man. I do admire your commitment to female friends.

If I could pass on any wisdom, it would be to take each day as it comes and, if you find someone you get on with, just keep showing up each day until one of you says no or one or the other dies.

March 15, 2015

Could not agree with this more. Especially as when they're having relationship issues, they tend to post about it on social media rather than talking the problems through and finding a solution. Posting about the problems means boys are well aware she may not be 100% happy in her relationship, and they swoop in, start talking to her, telling her how bad her boyfriend is, and eventually just sit and wait for them to break up.

Well yes, there will always be a small army of thirsty guys willing to accommodate equally thirsty girls looking for attention on social media. I agree that some women can be super fickle, however I don't want the OP's thread to turn into a rant. We mustn't blanket the female population. Chime in OP.

March 15, 2015

Well yes, there will always be a small army of thirsty guys willing to accommodate equally thirsty girls looking for attention on social media. I agree that some women can be super fickle, however I don't want the OP's thread to turn into a rant. We mustn't blanket the female population. Chime in OP.

And if said thirsty girl takes a particular liking to said thirsty guy, your relationship is all but over.

I don't really think relationships are worth it at such a young age, after my first one ending in January, I have no intentions of being in a relationship for quite some time. However, that may just be because my first proper relationship was absolutely awful, I have no idea, I have nothing to compare it to. We argued an awful lot and she was just so incredibly stubborn it made my life rather miserable. I really hope all females aren't as argumentative, jealous and stubborn as she was/is.

March 15, 2015

I think the best analogy I can give is this.

Imagine you have some cash to invest and this cash are your emotions, you ask a financial advisor how you should invest your cash. He asks you how much risk do you want to take.

Now I would tell him put 10% in the riskiest assets(chance of highest return and highest loss= love and relationship) and the rest in safer assets like bonds and blue chips

So if you loose that 10% you are still okay, I tended to make a relationship 30% or more and because of the fickle nature like risky stocks they go up on day and crash the next. I think I'm just going to give love and relationships 10% of my life emotions.

Anymore is just too risky, you wouldn't do it with your money why do it with your heart

March 15, 2015

And if said thirsty girl takes a particular liking to said thirsty guy, your relationship is all but over.

I don't really think relationships are worth it at such a young age, after my first one ending in January, I have no intentions of being in a relationship for quite some time. However, that may just be because my first proper relationship was absolutely awful, I have no idea, I have nothing to compare it to. We argued an awful lot and she was just so incredibly stubborn it made my life rather miserable. I really hope all females aren't as argumentative, jealous and stubborn as she was/is.

Yea I mean there's a lot of really attractive women out there who think they are God's gift to men so they behave accordingly. I'm saying that thirsty guys give them more pull then they need to have.

March 15, 2015

Wow. This post really hits the nail right on it's head!

One mistake I've done over and over is that I'm too nice. Not inte the clingy way, but emotionally.

For example, if I have reasons to believe that another women is somewhat interested in me, I feel really guilty about hanging out with her, so I try to avoid it. And when I'm in a relationship, I stop flirting with other women at parties, because I find it disrespectful. After all, I don't want to see my wonderful girlfriend jealous.

But I realise I have to change. No more Mr. Niceguy. Sure, she may yell at me, cry, run away and try to make me feel terrible. But... she will still be attracted to me. In fact, she will be even more afraid to lose me.

I usually blow it, though. I have a tendency to apologize, say something like:

"I'm sorry, I should have paid more attention to you. And I should have comforted you right away."

DON'T DO THIS!

Just like a spoiled child, she realises that she can manipulate you by making a scene. And while her reasons might be legitimate this time, she WILL use it against you in other situations as well.

No matter how much she yells/cries, just calmy tell her: "I'm an outgoing person, you've known this the entire time. I love you, but if you can't accept me for who I am, perhaps I'm not right for you." She might threaten to leave you, but she won't do it.

From time to time, you must do something fancy for her, something she can brag about. The goal is to make her feel proud that she is the chosen one, while realising that you will have no problem finding an even hotter girl if she doesn't behave.

***

This is not how I want a relationship to be, but women nowadays tend to leave when they get what they want (because that's when the "emotional connection" is lost). You have to find out what they want and keep dangle those things in front of them like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.

March 15, 2015

I agree with what you've written, but it doesn't just apply to women. All of what you have said applies to human beings in general. It's really difficult to make a relationship last long term, even if both people have the best of intentions. You can't control who you love, and you can't control falling out of love.

March 15, 2015

I don't think love long term, married till 60 is very possible in today's society, its the exception not the norm. So it would be better to set my expectations lower and better to be surprised if a woman loves me year after year and doesn't cheat.

I don't think it's ever been realistic to expect a couple to stay in love for 60 years. I think that it's now socially acceptable to get a divorce, and women are able to support themselves on their own. Those two factors have simply brought the realities of relationships out in to the open. Even if you do end up staying with someone for 60 years out of choice, I think it's more than likely that someone had an affair at one point or wanted out at one point. People and their circumstances change too much over the course of a lifetime to expect us to only love once. It's a nice and comforting idea, but it's not realistic.

March 15, 2015

Wow. This post really hits the nail right on it's head!

One mistake I've done over and over is that I'm too nice. Not inte the clingy way, but emotionally.

For example, if I have reasons to believe that another women is somewhat interested in me, I feel really guilty about hanging out with her, so I try to avoid it. And when I'm in a relationship, I stop flirting with other women at parties, because I find it disrespectful. After all, I don't want to see my wonderful girlfriend jealous.

But I realise I have to change. No more Mr. Niceguy. Sure, she may yell at me, cry, run away and try to make me feel terrible. But... she will still be attracted to me. In fact, she will be even more afraid to lose me.

I usually blow it, though. I have a tendency to apologize, say something like:

"I'm sorry, I should have paid more attention to you. And I should have comforted you right away."

DON'T DO THIS!

Just like a spoiled child, she realises that she can manipulate you by making a scene. And while her reasons might be legitimate this time, she WILL use it against you in other situations as well.

No matter how much she yells/cries, just calmy tell her: "I'm an outgoing person, you've known this the entire time. I love you, but if you can't accept me for who I am, perhaps I'm not right for you." She might threaten to leave you, but she won't do it.

From time to time, you must do something fancy for her, something she can brag about. The goal is to make her feel proud that she is the chosen one, while realising that you will have no problem finding an even hotter girl if she doesn't behave.

***

This is not how I want a relationship to be, but women nowadays tend to leave when they get what they want (because that's when the "emotional connection" is lost). You have to find out what they want and keep dangle those things in front of them like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.

Yup, nice guys finish last. Couldn't be more true. Really wish I'd read up on a few things relationship-wise a few months ago. If I'd known that when she started to pull away, all I had to do was reciprocate, I'd be golden and we'd still be together. Instead, I chased, bought her flowers, blablabla. Always tried to keep her happy. Oh well, lessons learnt, I'll do better next time!

March 15, 2015

Yup, nice guys finish last. Couldn't be more true. Really wish I'd read up on a few things relationship-wise a few months ago. If I'd known that when she started to pull away, all I had to do was reciprocate, I'd be golden and we'd still be together. Instead, I chased, bought her flowers, blablabla. Always tried to keep her happy. Oh well, lessons learnt, I'll do better next time!

It doesn't matter if you had chased or not chased. Don't beat yourself at that. The point being that you did EVERYTHING that you could have to show that you cared, and that you can leave anytime but instead you chose to stay and fight.

Because even if you had reciprocated the behavior that she was showing, that is to pull away as she pulled away, maybe/maybe not she would have come back. But would the ORIGINAL problem, that caused her to leave, be solved? I don't think so. So, eventually, she she would have tried to leave again.

The point being, you did what you did, and you can look back and say that you tried! More than what she can say in 10 years....

Don't regret anything!!!

March 15, 2015

The Truth About The Divorce Rate Is Surprisingly Optimistic

March 15, 2015

Men and women these days are fickle when it comes to relationships, but this isnt really news.

Back in the days, especially around the 1950s, women had to rely on men for survival, and when they got married, there wasnt many opportunities, if any, for them to leave. The bad social stigma and the lack of financial opportunities made them stay in marriages, not always out of love and obligation. Just convenience

So usually one or both parties has affairs on the side. This has been going on way longer than the media admits.

Almost every single married couple Ive known has one or more affairs from either one. Surprisingly, most of them Ive known is from the women, but thats just pure coincidence

It isnt that women suck in marriages these days, its that a long standing truth about it and relationship is now being made mainstream:

Most relationships can NOT be truly monogamous. This is nothing new, OP. So no point in blaming women. But if I do want to get married, my main goal is to raise my family. I can not control what my wife will do. Thats just the facts of life. And its what you have to deal with.

March 15, 2015

The Truth About The Divorce Rate Is Surprisingly Optimistic

Uplifting Love: 80 Percent of Divorces Are Filed By Women

March 15, 2015

Uplifting Love: 80 Percent of Divorces Are Filed By Women

It's not a surprise that men are oblivious to women's needs sometimes. You have to keep your woman entertained it really isn't that hard, not for me anyway.

March 15, 2015

It's not a surprise that men are oblivious to women's needs sometimes. You have to keep your woman entertained it really isn't that hard, not for me anyway.

You have to keep your woman entertained?

Do you also have to walk her and feed her? What about taking her in for shots every year -- you don't want your woman getting rabies or distemper.

March 15, 2015

As this is posted in our Breaking Up forum, let's confine discussion to the aspects brought forth in the starting post relevant to the thread starter's breakup and resulting feelings about marriage/love/relationships being so fickle.

There are threads available, for free, in other fora to start gender wars on relationships, though we'd prefer that not occur. This isn't the thread so keep the loaded rhetoric and gender politics out of it.

Thanks in advance for your cooperation with this moderation directive.

March 15, 2015

You have to keep your woman entertained?

Do you also have to walk her and feed her? What about taking her in for shots every year -- you don't want your woman getting rabies or distemper.

That's not what I meant lol

Nobody likes certainty all the time. You have to find ways to keep her attracted to you, both sides do. If you don't, then everything becomes stale. Not to mention, intimacy needs to be there as well. There has to be a healthy balance of chaos and order.

March 15, 2015

Men and women these days are fickle when it comes to relationships, but this isnt really news.

Back in the days, especially around the 1950s, women had to rely on men for survival, and when they got married, there wasnt many opportunities, if any, for them to leave. The bad social stigma and the lack of financial opportunities made them stay in marriages, not always out of love and obligation. Just convenience

So usually one or both parties has affairs on the side. This has been going on way longer than the media admits.

Almost every single married couple Ive known has one or more affairs from either one. Surprisingly, most of them Ive known is from the women, but thats just pure coincidence

It isnt that women suck in marriages these days, its that a long standing truth about it and relationship is now being made mainstream:

Most relationships can NOT be truly monogamous. This is nothing new, OP. So no point in blaming women. But if I do want to get married, my main goal is to raise my family. I can not control what my wife will do. Thats just the facts of life. And its what you have to deal with.

Nice food for thought.

Want vs need is what counts in the end.

March 15, 2015

Im old fashioned I guess. Im a woman who has been married 21 years and value marriage, fidelity, partnership and communication. I think about being retired to the same husband ive had since i was 18. I envision happy times with grand kids coming over to visit us. Reality is I have a H who doesnt envision this as he cheats. Even so, Ive stuck it out. I habe and am trying to keep this marriage and family together. I believe in its importance. I ask myself is their any men out there who want the same thing. Who want long term love and marriage? Why cant we find each other. (Granted I haven't looked since Im married). Im a good person who got a fickle partner. It sucks!

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What's the point of marriage/love/relationships its so fickle

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