LoneWolf5493 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Okay boys and girls, i've got to ask this because her behaviour is boggling me. Almost 3 months we've been without ANY form of contact: No Facebook likes, no Facebook comments, no chat, no whatsapp, nadda, ziltch, NOTHING... I've even posted cool stuff from people like Tony Robbins, Dale Carnegie, Wayne Dyers and Eckhart Tolle who speak powerful messages. I've posted other cool things, funny things, stupid things, things i regret posting, etc... and she didn't even bat an eye lid... For almost three months... Yet now, she's starting to like stuff I post again... Even things she never liked even when we were together: Political Discussions, Advancement in Tech... stuff i know from my time with her that she has no interest in what so ever. And she doesn't like EVERYTHING on a daily basis... She's liked 2 things this week that were the last things i'd expect her to like. Now in the beginning when we did date, she liked ****ing everything, except the political stuff, though she did observe my debates. Then she dumped me, i walked away leaving the door open for her to contact me if she ever changed her mind. After that, read the first paragraph. Now before you go on about it just being something she liked in that moment, i agree. HOWEVER, if that was the case, then i'm pretty sure she'd have liked things before now, right? The post she liked first, she waited 3 days to like it and was a life event i shared. The 2nd post she liked straight away and was about Anonymous telling Kanye West to quit with his bull**** (Again, political matters that she never before showed interest in). I'm not going to ask why she's liking my stuff or if there's meaning to it (I see it as nothing), because that's been answered countless times, and i know it's meaningless. I'm asking about her behaviour for all you psych majors out there. Why does she go from complete disinterest to actually reading my posts and liking them again after 3 months?
Author LoneWolf5493 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 My honest thought is that she's missing you. Why doesn't she message me then? I'm open to dating her again, if she's up for it, but she has to contact me directly before I consider it. Facebook likes, isn't enough to get a response or a "date" from me. How should i proceed?
wantnotshould Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 In behavioral psych people increase behaviors because it is reinforcing in some way to them. Maybe she likes the idea of you seeing her "likes" and therefore her being in your mind. Maybe she misses you and liking things makes her feel more connected to you. Maybe she feels less guilt because she is being nice to you by liking stuff she knows means a lot to you. Who knows? Don't put much mind to it. It's breadcrumbs. Why do you still have her on social media? It is usually healthier to remove her completely from your life. 2
Author LoneWolf5493 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 In behavioral psych people increase behaviors because it is reinforcing in some way to them. Maybe she likes the idea of you seeing her "likes" and therefore her being in your mind. Maybe she misses you and liking things makes her feel more connected to you. Maybe she feels less guilt because she is being nice to you by liking stuff she knows means a lot to you. Who knows? Don't put much mind to it. It's breadcrumbs. Why do you still have her on social media? It is usually healthier to remove her completely from your life. I don't see the need to remove her... I've unfollowed her, but i'm not going to remove her... kinda defeats the purpose of "let me know if you change your mind." And i want to see that she is at least happy. To me that's all that matters. Besides, if i do it now after 3 months, it'll communicate that i'm still not over her which will be playing right into her trap. Have removed her from instagram though, but she's still following me. And i agree with your first paragraph, however, it would make more sense if she was doing it "to be nice" or "liking the idea of me seeing her likes" the weeks following the dumping, not 3 months after.
ManyDissapoint Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 1. She misses you and may ramp up her displays (least likely) 2. She found someone else and feels guilty so is showing you some kind of (in her mind) positive attention to make up for. Sorta like when my ex made me my favorite meals before she broke up with me. 3. She found someone else and wants to ultimately get your attention to see it in order to make you jealous and hurt. People suck.
dyna85 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Why doesn't she message me then? I'm open to dating her again, if she's up for it, but she has to contact me directly before I consider it. Facebook likes, isn't enough to get a response or a "date" from me. How should i proceed? Just because she misses you doesn't mean she feels compelled to go further. One can miss someone without wanting to delve further into the feeling and make it something more. It's just a few FB likes. Nothing more, nothing less. 2
Author LoneWolf5493 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 1. She misses you and may ramp up her displays (least likely) 2. She found someone else and feels guilty so is showing you some kind of (in her mind) positive attention to make up for. Sorta like when my ex made me my favorite meals before she broke up with me. 3. She found someone else and wants to ultimately get your attention to see it in order to make you jealous and hurt. People suck. 1. is probably more likely in this scenario because... 2. she hasn't found anyone. As far as i know, she isn't even dating and not very happy. Also, this one would make more sense the weeks following the dumping, not 3 months after when i've clearly moved on. 3. Read point 2. She hasn't found anyone. No pics on facebook or instagram with new guys, no relationship update, nada. She even posted that she was going out to a local club, but ended up staying in (i know because when she's out she's never on facebook, yet she was on for hours when she was meant to be at this party). Oh and that post about her going out, was right after she liked my last post (which makes me thinks she was probably hoping to catch me out too, but I went to the only club in town she's banned from hehehe) How do i know she's not happy? She's not smiling in all her photo's since the dumping. At least not the way she was when we were seeing each other.
lop98 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 but keeping the door open, "let me know if you change your mind because I'll jump at the chance like a doormat!" is not playing into her trap. Look, she likes the attention, she likes giving you a bit of her presence with those likes so you don't get too bored in that waiting room you chose to be or worse, leave it, she's not a bad person for doing that, we all want the certainty that after we look around, taste new waters, meet new people, try being single, if we realize it doesn't make us happy, you can always open a door and ah, there, a guy still waiting for you. In other words, what she's sending you constitutes a breadcrumb and you are doing exactly what you are expected to do with a breadcrumb, you see it, wonder about it, see it some more, scratch your head, think of her, think of the entire relationship and ultimately, comform with that, and then excuse your behavior to yourself by saying that leaving an open door for breadcrumbs and not cutting out that trash is showing how you are over things. In addition to that I can tell the things your fb posts are anchored on an image you want to project... maybe for her. Nothing would give you more control of the situation and yourself than after it's all cooled off, you show her the exit door from your social media, no drama, painless, you are out for no reason, your likes reminded me there was no place for you here. But then she wouldn't see your updates either and I'm not sure how you feel about that.... 2
Author LoneWolf5493 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 Just because she misses you doesn't mean she feels compelled to go further. One can miss someone without wanting to delve further into the feeling and make it something more. It's just a few FB likes. Nothing more, nothing less. I couldn't agree more.. but i can't help but feel the way I communicated that i don't accept being "just friends" might have come across as "don't talk to me again". I said to her when she dumped me: "I'm not interested in being just friends. We don't have to be in a relationship, we can let it be whatever it is. I want to hang out with you, but not just as friends. So, if that is all you are looking for, it's best we stop talking and go our separate ways, but if you change your mind you know where to get hold of me." Could she be using the "likes" to get me to initiate because she's afraid/too shy to?
Author LoneWolf5493 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 (edited) but keeping the door open, "let me know if you change your mind because I'll jump at the chance like a doormat!" is not playing into her trap. Look, she likes the attention, she likes giving you a bit of her presence with those likes so you don't get too bored in that waiting room you chose to be or worse, leave it, she's not a bad person for doing that, we all want the certainty that after we look around, taste new waters, meet new people, try being single, if we realize it doesn't make us happy, you can always open a door and ah, there, a guy still waiting for you. In other words, what she's sending you constitutes a breadcrumb and you are doing exactly what you are expected to do with a breadcrumb, you see it, wonder about it, see it some more, scratch your head, think of her, think of the entire relationship and ultimately, comform with that, and then excuse your behavior to yourself by saying that leaving an open door for breadcrumbs and not cutting out that trash is showing how you are over things. In addition to that I can tell the things your fb posts are anchored on an image you want to project... maybe for her. Nothing would give you more control of the situation and yourself than after it's all cooled off, you show her the exit door from your social media, no drama, painless, you are out for no reason, your likes reminded me there was no place for you here. But then she wouldn't see your updates either and I'm not sure how you feel about that.... Fair enough... I'm not waiting on her though. Believe me, if she wants me back she has to work for it. I'm not going to beg her, or even treat her like royalty if she comes back. If she takes up my offer, it'll be on my terms, not hers, but again, she'll have to earn it. I want her, but i don't need her. There are other girls out there that will blow my mind in ways she never could. That's what i meant by "call me if you change your mind." i.e. if you want me back, make the effort, otherwise i'm not looking in your direction again. There was no hatred on her part, or mine. I just did too many things wrong that lowered her attraction for me, and essentially it was my fault i got dumped, not hers. She can't help how she feels, and i accepted that. And i'm not waiting on her... if she reaches out, and i'm still single, i'll ask her out. if not, well, it's her loss. Edited March 15, 2015 by LoneWolf5493
gnick Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Seriously what's the point of social media in the 1st place. I'm from a different generation I guess. I just don't see the alure
dyna85 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 No, you telling her you couldn't accept being friends, conveyed exactly what you meant; that you value yourself enough to not accept a demotion to platonic level. Furthermore, you openly expressed that she could reach out in the future, if she had a change of heart, so nowhere in your final adieu do I see an indication of 'don't talk to me ever again.' Who cares why she's liking your posts. It's just a FB like. A stupid ridiculous FB like. It's no effort. A breadcrumb, like wantnotshould said. Is that all you feel you're worth? A stupid breadcrumb? Don't be that desperate. If you're averse to blocking her or whatever, maybe you should stay off FB so you don't have to analyze the crap out of a few silly likes. This is not good. 5
Author LoneWolf5493 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 Seriously what's the point of social media in the 1st place. I'm from a different generation I guess. I just don't see the alure I only use it to keep in touch with family and friends around the world so i don't have to repeat the same explanations of what i'm up to with everyone. It gets tiring saying the same thing over and over to 50 different people, so facebook helps me with that. I can just post it once, and everyone sees it.
lumberjac Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 To me facebook likes doesn't mean much, and I'm just talking about the "likes" in general, both in terms of giving and receiving. If I like something slightly on the social media I will give a like, I dont have to think about it, like if I should or not. Because giving out a like doesn't cost anything, and it definitely won't cause any consequences. So to me "like" is nothing, or it could simply mean "read" or "I agree". If she miss you why doesn't she message you? it's equally easy, the button is right on top. I think she just feel like its been long enough to like your stuff on fb again, think you have moved on etc. yes maybe she miss you, but probably not enough to get back with you. Or again, she would have message you or contact you in some way. That's just what I think. But I do hope its more than that for you
Author LoneWolf5493 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 No, you telling her you couldn't accept being friends, conveyed exactly what you meant; that you value yourself enough to not accept a demotion to platonic level. Furthermore, you openly expressed that she could reach out in the future, if she had a change of heart, so nowhere in your final adieu do I see an indication of 'don't talk to me ever again.' Who cares why she's liking your posts. It's just a FB like. A stupid ridiculous FB like. It's no effort. A breadcrumb, like wantnotshould said. Is that all you feel you're worth? A stupid breadcrumb? Don't be that desperate. If you're averse to blocking her or whatever, maybe you should stay off FB so you don't have to analyze the crap out of a few silly likes. This is not good. Oh, hell no!!! I'm worth a **** load more than a couple of breadcrumbs. That's why i'm not responding in any way to it. However, I am aware of it, and learning from it. Everything from this is helping me grow, and will give me more experience for future relationships. And one question while i'm at it.... Apart from "likes" what else constitutes as breadcrumbs? So i can make sure i don't fall into some other trap.
Author LoneWolf5493 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 To me facebook likes doesn't mean much, and I'm just talking about the "likes" in general, both in terms of giving and receiving. If I like something slightly on the social media I will give a like, I dont have to think about it, like if I should or not. Because giving out a like doesn't cost anything, and it definitely won't cause any consequences. So to me "like" is nothing, or it could simply mean "read" or "I agree". If she miss you why doesn't she message you? it's equally easy, the button is right on top. I think she just feel like its been long enough to like your stuff on fb again, think you have moved on etc. yes maybe she miss you, but probably not enough to get back with you. Or again, she would have message you or contact you in some way. That's just what I think. But I do hope its more than that for you As i said in the OP, the likes themselves mean nothing to me. It's the change in her behaviour, going from complete inaction to action again after 3 months however subtle or meaningless it is. And unless she messages me directly, i'm taking it with a pinch of salt. I'm still curious about it, however.
lumberjac Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 As i said in the OP, the likes themselves mean nothing to me. It's the change in her behaviour, going from complete inaction to action again after 3 months however subtle or meaningless it is. And unless she messages me directly, i'm taking it with a pinch of salt. I'm still curious about it, however. Yeh I get ye. Well like I said she probably feel like 3 months is long enough time for you two to be "friends" again, possibly thinking "no harm in liking your stuff right?" The change of behaviour is probably nothing, or maybe it does mean something. but either way you should just wait and see, like what youre doing right now.
Light Breeze Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 And one question while i'm at it.... Apart from "likes" what else constitutes as breadcrumbs? So i can make sure i don't fall into some other trap. Anything that doesn't convey this message: "I'm sorry, I want you back". It could be a call, a text, letter, e-mail, etc. You wouldn't have to worry about some kind of "trap" if you went NC the correct way, you know. If she wants a second chance, she'll find a way. 1
Satu Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 You might think you are doing NC, but you're not. NC means: No direct contact in either direction, including replies. No sending, no receiving. No indirect contact through third parties. No monitoring of social media. No 'little birds' feeding you news. If you want to do NC, do it, but don't kid yourself into thinking you are, when you aren't.
Author LoneWolf5493 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 She's baiting you. She may miss you or she maybe scared you forgot about her. She wants you to contact her first then she will get attention and validation. Don't do it. If she really wanted to she would text / call you. Believe me if she wants to contact you, even if you drop off the face of the earth she will find a way. She's giving you breadcrumbs and already you are ready to pounce. Don't do anything , don't react in anyway - this also means blocking her as one poster recommended. Be indifferent. Oh i won't be falling for it. I was curious about it, and wanted to know more about it, so i posted it up. But that's all the attention this is getting. Especially since your advices are all congruent with my relationship master's. And yea, during NC means no monitoring social media, but funnily enough, keeping her as a friend on facebook and now and then checking up on her has actually helped me heal. I won't lie, i will be bummed if she got into a relationship, but seeing it on facebook is no different to bumping into her at the stores (with her presupposed new man). But, i can now look at her page with no feeling to it. Half the time actually, i'm not even interested. I open it up, but very quickly get bored and go check out my next interest.
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