leyateresa Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Okay so I met a guy online, we hit it off with conversation and got along very well on the first date. He kept extending the date longer eventually asking me to go to his place for wine. So I went, things were smooth and good, and we ended up sleeping together and staying the night. I was hesitant about hooking up but he continued to insist to 'let myself enjoy it.' So indeed I did! haha. In the morning we did again, and we both agreed the sex was amazing.. and continued to talk in the morning and even laugh a lot. Anyways point is it wasn't awkward at all, and we hit it off! In the morning all he really said was "thanks so much for coming out with me, I had a lot of fun. And it was really nice to meet you." I've never done something like this before and I think he knows I am the type to usually take my time with people. I'm wondering, is it weird to contact him now? I feel a bit shamed even though I know it doesn't mean anything. It hasn't been a full day since we have hooked up. I don't expect anything, but I still feel like it was fun and we had a good time. Or should I wait and see if he does, and then just leave it if he doesn't? Could he be feeling the same or is he done with it?
d0nnivain Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 He was a bit too smooth & polished for this to have been the 1st time he did that. If he hasn't called you, assume he got what he wanted & is now done. If he reaches out, just play it cool & see where it goes. But do NOT call him. 5
stillafool Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 No do not call him. He does sound smooth though as if he's done that many times. He didn't say let's get together soon or anything but it was nice to meet you. I wouldn't contact him if I were you. Hey, at least you enjoyed the sex. 4
katiegrl Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 What you had was a "one night stand." No, don't "wait" for him to call and don't call him. Enjoy the memory... 4
Redhead14 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Okay so I met a guy online, we hit it off with conversation and got along very well on the first date. He kept extending the date longer eventually asking me to go to his place for wine. So I went, things were smooth and good, and we ended up sleeping together and staying the night. I was hesitant about hooking up but he continued to insist to 'let myself enjoy it.' So indeed I did! haha. In the morning we did again, and we both agreed the sex was amazing.. and continued to talk in the morning and even laugh a lot. Anyways point is it wasn't awkward at all, and we hit it off! In the morning all he really said was "thanks so much for coming out with me, I had a lot of fun. And it was really nice to meet you." I've never done something like this before and I think he knows I am the type to usually take my time with people. I'm wondering, is it weird to contact him now? I feel a bit shamed even though I know it doesn't mean anything. It hasn't been a full day since we have hooked up. I don't expect anything, but I still feel like it was fun and we had a good time. Or should I wait and see if he does, and then just leave it if he doesn't? Could he be feeling the same or is he done with it? You should not contact him. This may or may not be a one night stand. You just don't know. Don't spend another minute thinking about it. Let him show you what's what. You met him online and slept with him on the first date. How would he know that you are the type who usually takes their time with people? He doesn't know anything about you yet and you don't know anything about him. You are feeling some shame about this. Don't be ashamed. You wanted to sleep with him and you did, so be it. It would be wise for you to be clear in your own head about what you want for yourself out of your dating experiences and have an approach that supports that end result in order to avoid confusing situations like this. If you want to look for a lasting, committed relationship, it's best to not sleep with anyone until you've established that you are on the same page while dating. You don't know what this guy wants because you don't know him well enough yet and now you're guessing and wondering what he wants or is going to do. Let him show you. If he calls you again and you want to see him again, accept the date. A woman should be in receptive mode only when dating a new man. She doesn't initiate or pursue at all for a couple of months. After a couple of months, she can and should initiate calls, etc. in a balanced way. She shows her interest by being receptive and enthusiastic about seeing him. If this man calls you and asks you out on a proper date with a specific plan, I'd accept it. But, don't go to his home and don't give the opportunity for sex to happen again. If he calls you for a last minute date or a date at his home, suggest something else and if he pressures you for sex, you can simply say that you enjoyed that experience with him, but you'd prefer not to do that again for a while and you want to get to know each other better. If he doesn't respect that, end the date and stop seeing him. 2
fred123 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Okay so I met a guy online, we hit it off with conversation and got along very well on the first date. He kept extending the date longer eventually asking me to go to his place for wine. So I went, things were smooth and good, and we ended up sleeping together and staying the night. I was hesitant about hooking up but he continued to insist to 'let myself enjoy it.' So indeed I did! haha. In the morning we did again, and we both agreed the sex was amazing.. and continued to talk in the morning and even laugh a lot. Anyways point is it wasn't awkward at all, and we hit it off! In the morning all he really said was "thanks so much for coming out with me, I had a lot of fun. And it was really nice to meet you." I've never done something like this before and I think he knows I am the type to usually take my time with people. I'm wondering, is it weird to contact him now? I feel a bit shamed even though I know it doesn't mean anything. It hasn't been a full day since we have hooked up. I don't expect anything, but I still feel like it was fun and we had a good time. Or should I wait and see if he does, and then just leave it if he doesn't? Could he be feeling the same or is he done with it? just a question from a guy. you say you normally take your time to get to know someone and not just sleep with them quickly. so does that mean in this case you must have liked him more than any of your previous guys you met cos you slept with him so quickly? sleeping with some one so quickly means you like them more than the others you didnt sleep with or you took your time with? i agree this guy is smooth
Mittens Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 If he'd wanted to see you again, he would have mentioned it before you left. Instead, all he did was thank you for a good time...and that was it. I wouldn't count on hearing from him again. You are of course free to send him a message, but I wouldn't get your hopes up about anything further developing. And if you know you want more, don't let him keep you on a string as some sort of **** buddy. Take it from me, it's a waste of time. 1
katiegrl Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 You should not contact him. This may or may not be a one night stand. You just don't know. Don't spend another minute thinking about it. Let him show you what's what. You met him online and slept with him on the first date. How would he know that you are the type who usually takes their time with people? He doesn't know anything about you yet and you don't know anything about him. You are feeling some shame about this. Don't be ashamed. You wanted to sleep with him and you did, so be it. It would be wise for you to be clear in your own head about what you want for yourself out of your dating experiences and have an approach that supports that end result in order to avoid confusing situations like this. If you want to look for a lasting, committed relationship, it's best to not sleep with anyone until you've established that you are on the same page while dating. You don't know what this guy wants because you don't know him well enough yet and now you're guessing and wondering what he wants or is going to do. Let him show you. If he calls you again and you want to see him again, accept the date. A woman should be in receptive mode only when dating a new man. She doesn't initiate or pursue at all for a couple of months. After a couple of months, she can and should initiate calls, etc. in a balanced way. She shows her interest by being receptive and enthusiastic about seeing him. If this man calls you and asks you out on a proper date with a specific plan, I'd accept it. But, don't go to his home and don't give the opportunity for sex to happen again. If he calls you for a last minute date or a date at his home, suggest something else and if he pressures you for sex, you can simply say that you enjoyed that experience with him, but you'd prefer not to do that again for a while and you want to get to know each other better. If he doesn't respect that, end the date and stop seeing him. Redhead ^^ great advice....as usual. BTW, are you familiar with Pat Allen? Read her books, gone to her seminars? Your advice consistently mirrors her advice...it's uncanny! Which is why I am asking. I think she's awesome by the way. Of course I don't follow her advice to the letter (as you know)...but she does have great insights into the male/female dynamic!
Author leyateresa Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 Yeah, I guess I liked him quite a bit from a first impression. The conversation was good, we had a lot in common (similar interests), he seemed like a very nice person, he's well rounded and I was attracted to him. So all those things together and the fact that he made me feel comfortable in the situation were factors. So I guess to answer your question, I did like him more than other first dates I have been on. The date just went really well and it felt like I had known him forever, so I didn't think a lot about it, even though I was hesitant at times, but mostly because I was worried he'd lose respect for me in the end.
Redhead14 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 just a question from a guy. you say you normally take your time to get to know someone and not just sleep with them quickly. so does that mean in this case you must have liked him more than any of your previous guys you met cos you slept with him so quickly? sleeping with some one so quickly means you like them more than the others you didnt sleep with or you took your time with? i agree this guy is smooth Sleeping with a man on a first date doesn't mean a woman likes him more than she liked other guys. It means she wanted to have sex at that moment. A first date with a man from an online site, should not be a "date". It should be a meet up. A couple of drinks or a lunch or breakfast. It should be kept to an hour tops and not include a visit to each other's homes. A man from an online site who wants to take a woman on a "date" and spend money on her and invite her to his home, is looking for sex Period. A man who is dating for the purpose of having a relationship, isn't going to plan a date with a woman that includes spending some money when he hasn't even seen her yet. If he does, he doesn't really care what she looks like, what her personality is, what her dating goal is and so what else would he be looking for??? If he says he's looking for a relationship, then he doesn't know how to go about it either or he wants a relationship that doesn't have any quality. 3
Redhead14 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Redhead ^^ great advice....as usual. BTW, are you familiar with Pat Allen? Read her books, gone to her seminars? Your advice consistently mirrors her advice...it's uncanny! Which is why I am asking. I think she's awesome by the way. Of course I don't follow her advice to the letter (as you know)...but she does have great insights into the male/female dynamic! I know about Pat Allen. Her philosophy/approach is also very similar to Mars/Venus with which I am also familiar. However, most importantly, I have adopted the approach I use because it's what's comfortable and works for me and attracts the types of men I'm interested in and is a blend of some things I've adopted as a result of my studies for my master's in psychology. There are other approaches out there. It's about what works for a person as an individual. More than that though, having a basis or foundation to work from allows you to be consistent and lessens the confusion, anxiety and pain one experiences while dating. And, yes, you may have to tailor it sometimes depending on the dating prospect and when you've come to know them well enough, you may find that one thing or another doesn't work for or apply to that person. But in the very beginning, the early dating principles almost always apply. First and foremost, it's about treating yourself with respect and being treated with respect. A relationship that develops based on that foundation has the best chance of succeeding. Mutual respect is the seed. When a woman sleeps with a man too soon, she takes the risk of compromising his respect for her. She has nothing to lose by waiting for awhile and a lot to gain. 1
katiegrl Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 (edited) Redhead...as you know I think you give great advice. But one thing I don't agree with is your advice that a woman do NO initiating for the first couple of MONTHS. You say that a woman shows her interest by being receptive and responsive to HIS advances and that HE should do all the initiating and pursuing for the first couple of months. The issue with that is, if you read enough of these threads, you will notice that most men absolutely detest having to take all the initiative...doing all the "work" so to speak. Post after post from men complaining that the women they date aren't taking any initiative, which leaves them feeling either used OR that SHE just doesn't care! So in response, what do they do? They back off! They stop calling and texting, stop asking her out...all in an attempt to see if SHE will step up and take some initiative, thus proving that she IS, in fact, into them. Which leaves the woman feeling confused and bewildered... wondering why he stopped pursuing! Apparently, they need that reassurance too! A woman simply being responsive to *their* pursuit just isn't enough anymore. Times have changed..for sure! My own boyfriend and brothers (I have four) all confirmed that men these days do this...that this is how they feel. They are seeking relationships that are more reciprocal than they were in the past. Again boyfriend and brothers have all confirmed this to be true. Just wondering how you feel about that. Yes, men and women nowadays are quite different from how they were in the past, where the man "pursued" and the woman simply "responded." Men are demanding much more from women now, and if they don't get it, many of them are choosing the MGTOW (men going their own way) route, which is sad! Edited March 15, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Redhead14 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Redhead...as you know I think you give great advice. But one thing I don't agree with is your advice that a woman do NO initiating for the first couple of MONTHS. You say that a woman shows her interest by being receptive and responsive to HIS advances and that HE should do all the initiating and pursuing for the first couple of months. The issue with that is, if you read enough of these threads, you will notice that most men absolutely detest having to take all the initiative...doing all the "work" so to speak. Post after post from men complaining that the women they date aren't taking any initiative, which leaves them feeling either used OR that SHE just doesn't care! So in response, what do they do? They back off! They stop calling and texting, stop asking her out...all in an attempt to see if SHE will step up and take some initiative, thus proving that she IS, in fact, into them. Apparently, they need that reassurance too! A woman simply being responsive to *their* pursuit just isn't enough anymore. Times have changed..for sure! My own boyfriend and brothers (I have four) all confirmed that men these days do this...that this is how they feel. They are seeking relationships that are more reciprocal than they were in the past. Again boyfriend and brothers have all confirmed this to be true. Just wondering how you feel about that. Yes, men and women nowadays are quite different from how they were in the past, where the man "pursued" and the woman simply "responded." Men are demanding much more from women now, and if they don't get it, many of them are choosing the MGTOW (men going their own way) route, which is sad! I would say that in most cases, the men who feel like they are doing all the work, are pursuing women who aren't responding in a consistent or balanced way and aren't being fully receptive. In other words, the woman isn't expressing her interest in a way that is really clear to the man. If she isn't responding in a balanced way, in terms of content or enthusiasm, he gets anxious as well. He may be approaching a woman who is a little inexperienced, is lacking in confidence, maybe. This can be addressed early in a dating scenario by communicating his likes. For instance, if he likes it when a woman calls him, he could casually open a conversation about texting and phone calls in general. Say something, like "I hate it when a person doesn't text me back, don't you? Or, I'd like it if you called me in the evening on Tuesday . . . just to show her that it'd be ok with him for her to call once in a while. If a man is feeling like he is doing all the work, then he probably is. It shouldn't feel that way. He calls, he texts, she responds enthusiastically, (but not overdone, of course) quickly, doesn't leave him hanging. Or, maybe she's too reserved. OR . . . maybe she's just not that into him. The man doesn't/shouldn't have to do all the work, he just needs to get the ball-rolling, she has to roll it back to him in the same manner. It is reciprocal. "The issue with that is, if you read enough of these threads, you will notice that most men absolutely detest having to take all the initiative...doing all the "work" so to speak." The quote above is talking about most men on this site . . . we need to keep in mind that this is a very small number compared to all the men out there. There will always be some men/women who don't fit the mold so to speak. You will see posts from women who like to and do pursue and get shot down as well.
Redhead14 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I was responding in another post and the question came up about some men wanting women to do more initiating and/or pursuing. Try the following experiment: Approach a woman who interests you and engage her in conversation. Get her laughing, talking, etc. -- you know how to do it Spend some time and if you like her enough to want to see her again and it seems she would go out with you, wait until the meeting is winding down and say "hey, I'd really like to see you again" and pause. Don't ask her for her number yet. See if she offers her number to you. This is an indicator that she may be a little more of an initiator at least. If she does, take it and give her yours. Then sit back for a few days. See if she reaches out to you first. If she does, you may find that she does more pursuing or initiating than some women. If you like her enough anyway, of course, you ask her for the number if she doesn't offer it first.
smackie9 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I don't think things have changed....except for the easier access to more people through OLD. There are a lot of women that expect to be pursued and if the guy wants them bad enough he will pursue. It comes down to the fact that women in the end decide whether men get sex of not....that will never change. As for women pursuing...guys will still think they just hit the sex jackpot and will not have to make much effort to get sex. Pursing is different for women, we have to still be able to make the guy think he is the one doing the pursuing. We can't be as direct, and put in some flirting, and keep somewhat mysterious. This guy is playing the game. He is smooth enough to get the OP wanting to call HIM again...this is what he does, and is so successful at. It's just going to be another sex session if he so desires....he is the one making the decision on if she gets sex or not. Guys out there would definitely would love to know his secret to his success. Over 25 years ago I was a pursuer (girls pursuing is nothing new really, worked in a club back in the 80's saw enough of it.), and I myself had mixed results. I asked guys out on dates, some thought it was just for sex, some thought it was weird but were on board with it. The only way to have success as a woman in the dating world, is the old tried and true...keep your legs closed and make him prove his worth. Nothing wrong with initiating going out on a date, and following up for another date, but that's providing you haven't dropped your drawer just after meeting them. Most (not all but most) guys will tell you, they do not look at a girl as solid GF material for a committed relationship if she sleeps with them too soon. The OP experience with this guy is a no brainer...he is smooth because that is all he wanted. There is no point in trying to pursue this type of guy...he wanted sex, he got it, which is nothing wrong if that both are accepting the fact that this is all it is, a one night or even a two night stand/ booty call. Like one of the first posters said, forget about him and just enjoy the memory.
smackie9 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I "The issue with that is, if you read enough of these threads, you will notice that most men absolutely detest having to take all the initiative...doing all the "work" so to speak." . I don't think it's just guys, it's women too. What I go by is date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. Initiating shows interest period. If it is one sided it could only mean one of two things....there isn't enough chemistry or interest, or they are inexperienced. I think the majority of the time it's due to the lack of interest. My advice to all those posters is to stop wasting your time complaining about it, ditch them and keep looking.
preraph Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 He sounds like a player just having sex with as many women as possible. I hope you enjoyed it for what it was and used birth control. 4
writergal Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I'm wondering, is it weird to contact him now? I feel a bit shamed even though I know it doesn't mean anything. It hasn't been a full day since we have hooked up. I don't expect anything, but I still feel like it was fun and we had a good time. Or should I wait and see if he does, and then just leave it if he doesn't? Could he be feeling the same or is he done with it? Well, considering he initiated the fun one-night stand you both had, I wouldn't hold my breath for him to call you again. How many days has it been since? No need to ask really because, it sounds like he's a (Shout out to the Sade song). As her song lyrics go, "no place for sentiment or sensitive hearts/face to face each classic case, we shadow box and double cross, yet need the chase." If you want a FWB kind-of-relationship with him, then call him. But I don't think he's the relationship type, considering he didn't even set up a second date with you before you parted ways. Enjoy it for what it was, a fun, brief encounter that didn't lead anywhere.
katiegrl Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I don't think it's just guys, it's women too. What I go by is date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. ***Initiating shows interest period. If it is one sided it could only mean one of two things....there isn't enough chemistry or interest, or they are inexperienced. I think the majority of the time it's due to the lack of interest. My advice to all those posters is to stop wasting your time complaining about it, ditch them and keep looking.*** Absolutely agree with you smackie...that was my point! In ALL my long term relationships, we BOTH took the initiative.... we BOTH pursued each other! It was never just one-sided, with HIM doing all the pursuing and ME simply responding enthusiastically. I would hate that, having to wait until HE contacted me again. HIM calling all the shots. I liked being an equal participant in the development of OUR relationship. In fact, I just talked to my boyfriend about this, because I was thinking about Redhead's posts. He told me he LOVED that I took an active role in initiating things (dates, contact) when we first met. Same as he did! We shared that role, pretty much from the get go. It felt very natural to do that...things flowed very smoothly and easily. He said my attitide and confidence in that regard actually increased his interest level in me and was a huge factor in how fast he fell in love with me. Said he hated those *shyt games* (his words) women played wherein she just sat back and waited for him to *chase* her. That's how he interpreted it, even when they responded positively. Anyway, with us it was like a dance...we both knew when to come forward and initiate, and we both knew when to back off and give each other space. We just clicked in that regard. IDK, maybe this isn't for everyone... but it worked for us...and I do believe this is the way of the future in developing healthy, well-balanced, egalitarian, romantic relationships. 1
katiegrl Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Redhead, thank you for *liking* my post! Does this mean you agree with the premise that both people should be initiating from the getgo and not just the man? Within reason of course...a healthy balance. I love all your posts BTW even if I don't 100% agree with them... Learning ALOT!
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I know about Pat Allen. Her philosophy/approach is also very similar to Mars/Venus with which I am also familiar. However, most importantly, I have adopted the approach I use because it's what's comfortable and works for me and attracts the types of men I'm interested in and is a blend of some things I've adopted as a result of my studies for my master's in psychology. There are other approaches out there. It's about what works for a person as an individual. More than that though, having a basis or foundation to work from allows you to be consistent and lessens the confusion, anxiety and pain one experiences while dating. And, yes, you may have to tailor it sometimes depending on the dating prospect and when you've come to know them well enough, you may find that one thing or another doesn't work for or apply to that person. But in the very beginning, the early dating principles almost always apply. First and foremost, it's about treating yourself with respect and being treated with respect. A relationship that develops based on that foundation has the best chance of succeeding. Mutual respect is the seed. When a woman sleeps with a man too soon, she takes the risk of compromising his respect for her. She has nothing to lose by waiting for awhile and a lot to gain. ^^^ Absolutely, THIS. It's how I conduct my dating life and my social life in general. I have NEVER slept with a guy on the first date. I usually don't have sex with a guy until I've gotten to know him for a while and ONLY until I feel a connection or bond has been established. For me, sex is a VERY intimate form of communicating my feelings, my sexual chemistry and my physical attraction to a guy. I also have self-respect and integrity; and will only have sex with a man if we're both on the same page with regard to pursuing a possible relationship together. If a guy is only interested in having sex with me because his testosterone is raging (he just wants to "hit it and quit it"), then he can "date" and have sex with plenty of other women who will acquiesce to his true motives. . 1
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 ^^^ Absolutely, THIS. It's how I conduct my dating life and my social life in general. I have NEVER slept with a guy on the first date. I usually don't have sex with a guy until I've gotten to know him for a while and ONLY until I feel a connection or bond has been established. For me, sex is a VERY intimate form of communicating my feelings, my sexual chemistry and my physical attraction to a guy. I also have self-respect and integrity; and will only have sex with a man if we're both on the same page with regard to pursuing a possible relationship together. If a guy is only interested in having sex with me because his testosterone is raging (he just wants to "hit it and quit it"), then he can "date" and have sex with plenty of other women who will acquiesce to his true motives. . Black Ops, I don't believe anyone here, including myself, was suggesting that the the OP, or any woman, have sex on the first date! That's certainly not what I was talking about. My posts, especially in response to Redhead, were about BOTH people taking the initiative, like calling, texting, planning a date. Not just the man chasing and the woman responding. And for the record, I agree it's not a good idea for a woman to have sex with a guy on the first date...if a relationship is what she is looking for.. 1
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Black Ops, I don't believe anyone here, including myself, was suggesting that the the OP, or any woman, have sex on the first date! That's certainly not what I was talking about. Oh I know! I was just commenting on how I agreed with Redhead with regard to how women should conduct themselves when dating to get the best results out of it and how I would never sleep with a guy on the first date. My posts, especially in response to Redhead, were about BOTH people taking the initiative, like calling, texting, planning a date. Not just the man chasing and the woman responding. And for the record, I agree it's not a good idea for a woman to have sex with a guy on the first date...if a relationship is what she is looking for.. Yes! I'm the same way when I meet and date a guy that I'm interested in who's equally interested in me. I think it should be reciprocal, because then that way, BOTH parties involved know where each other stands and they BOTH know that they're equally interested in each other. . 2
Author leyateresa Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 So I guess sometimes these gender rules are not always correct! I just decided to be honest with him, ask him if he was interested still, and tell him how I felt about it. He said of course, that there were two of us involved in it and that it doesn't make him think differently of me. He also said he'd like to get together again sometime and that I'm a great girl. Guess I'll follow Redhead's advice from here forward And learn from the first encounter lol.
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Oh I know! I was just commenting on how I agreed with Redhead with regard to how women should conduct themselves when dating to get the best results out of it and how I would never sleep with a guy on the first date. Yes! I'm the same way when I meet and date a guy that I'm interested in who's equally interested in me. I think it should be reciprocal, because then that way, BOTH parties involved know where each other stands and they BOTH know that they're equally interested in each other. . Okay good... phew! I was worried there for a sec, thinking you and I disagreed!
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