DazzasHappy Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I’ve been with my girlfriend for 4 years. I recently celebrated my 21st birthday and in the lead up to it my girlfriend asked me what my fantasy was and she would act it out for me. I told her latex nurses do it for me and she agreed so I sat back and waited for the day. Now I have one awesome girlfriend and she took me away for a weekend just before my birthday. She told me to wait in the bedroom and came in wearing one hot latex outfit but also with her friend as well (I did not ask for a threesome but I sure wasn’t saying no). I had the best weekend of my life and couldn’t thank my girl enough. The problem is from that weekend on she refuses to speak a word about what happened. In every other aspect the relationship is the same. I have asked her to talk about it, I have asked her if I did anything wrong, I even apologized just in case I did something wrong. She just says I should remember the weekend and assign it to the past where it belongs and I can get nothing more out of her. I feel really bad for her that maybe she thinks I think less of her because if that night (totally the opposite) or that she regrets that weekend, if she does I would love to assure her that while I’m grateful it happened it certainly changes nothing between us. Maybe she regrets being with her friend, I just don’t know. So am I best to drop this or pursue it and try to get some answers? I just don’t want to bury this if it’s going to fester away inside her only to raise its head later. If I’ve done something wrong I’ll own up to it and deal with it. We’ve always had good communication in our relationship, I get this was a huge weekend and a lot to deal with emotionally but I don’t think shutting it out is the way to go. At the same time I don’t want to push if it’s the wrong thing to do.
MGX Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Uh oh. Maybe she thinks she went too far with that threesome and seeing you being with another woman or her being with her friend was too much for her. How is her friend doing? Is your girlfriend still talking to her?
Author DazzasHappy Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 Uh oh. Maybe she thinks she went too far with that threesome and seeing you being with another woman or her being with her friend was too much for her. How is her friend doing? Is your girlfriend still talking to her? They have been out shopping a few times since but I haven't had the opportunity to speak with the friend. I do have her number but am reluctant to ring in case it's received as the wrong thing. I certainly didn't take the lead in this, I was very aware that I could possibly concentrate too much on the friend so let my girl take the lead. Nothing I did, not one thing, was not approved by my girlfriend.
Gaeta Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 If the relationship has move on as usual then what do you want to talk about exactly? She offered you a fantasy of yours and even more, the weekend is done, you're happy, there is nothing to talk about. What ever she is feeling is hers to deal with. You did not ask her for the 3some, she volunteered it. When women go ahead an offer this type of fantasy to their guy their 1 worry is that the boyfriend is going to ask for it again. You insisting on talking about this weekend can be perceived as you're fishing to find if she'll do it again. Respect her wish to not bring up the subject again. 8
Author DazzasHappy Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 When women go ahead an offer this type of fantasy to their guy their 1 worry is that the boyfriend is going to ask for it again. You insisting on talking about this weekend can be perceived as you're fishing to find if she'll do it again. Respect her wish to not bring up the subject again. I understand the worry that might be there but I find it unusual not to talk about it. Wouldn't it be normal to lay in bed and talk about that weekend, to discuss what we liked and didn't like, to discuss whether or not we would do it again, maybe even to use it as a fantasy with our own lovemaking? I don't get totally shutting off and acting as though it didn't happen. I mean I just saw my girlfriend making love to another woman both wearing nurses uniforms, that it such a fantasy and I am supposed to never talk about it?
Gaeta Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I understand the worry that might be there but I find it unusual not to talk about it. Wouldn't it be normal to lay in bed and talk about that weekend, to discuss what we liked and didn't like, to discuss whether or not we would do it again, maybe even to use it as a fantasy with our own lovemaking? NO For YOU it would be normal to do so, she does not want to. She does not get turned on over it the way you do. She may be dealing with some insecurities, fears, regrets and she does not want to tell you because that will make you feel bad for going through with it. I I don't get totally shutting off and acting as though it didn't happen. I mean I just saw my girlfriend making love to another woman both wearing nurses uniforms, that it such a fantasy and I am supposed to never talk about it? You are doing EXACTLY what she feared. Drop it. What's more important, fantasying over this over and over or respecting her wish? You got the fantasy, it's enough, leave her alone with it. 5
MGX Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 If the relationship has move on as usual then what do you want to talk about exactly? She offered you a fantasy of yours and even more, the weekend is done, you're happy, there is nothing to talk about. What ever she is feeling is hers to deal with. You did not ask her for the 3some, she volunteered it. When women go ahead an offer this type of fantasy to their guy their 1 worry is that the boyfriend is going to ask for it again. You insisting on talking about this weekend can be perceived as you're fishing to find if she'll do it again. Respect her wish to not bring up the subject again. I know she volunteered to do this for her boyfriend, but why do this in the first place? That seems...risky. If she is otherwise normal, then forget about discussing it with her.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Why do you want to talk about it at all, let alone laying in bed? You need to drop it. As the others suggested, it sounds like she could be dealing with some uneasiness now and you wanting to discuss it is not going to help. Let it be. It was a fun weekend, but it's done with now. If she brings it up, go with it. Otherwise, consider it a cool birthday gift and move on as normal. And please, do not call the friend. I guarantee it will be received as the wrong thing and it will blow up on you in a big way. 2
Omei Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 (edited) I agree with the others that she gave you a one time fantasy it was for you not for her she prob has no interest in three somes and sharing you but wanted to make it special, now she wants it to be in the past and move forward. I personally would do the same I wouldnt be keen to talk about the night in depth esp if my close friend was involved. You have the memories to yourself to recant whenever you like just leave her alone about. You need to remember she involved her friend in order for their friendship to continue without weirdness it needs to be in the past. It was a cool gift most gfs wouldnt ever do gift her back by respecting her wishes. She needs you to go back to thinking about just her again. Edited March 15, 2015 by Omei 1
Redhead14 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 (edited) I’ve been with my girlfriend for 4 years. I recently celebrated my 21st birthday and in the lead up to it my girlfriend asked me what my fantasy was and she would act it out for me. I told her latex nurses do it for me and she agreed so I sat back and waited for the day. Now I have one awesome girlfriend and she took me away for a weekend just before my birthday. She told me to wait in the bedroom and came in wearing one hot latex outfit but also with her friend as well (I did not ask for a threesome but I sure wasn’t saying no). I had the best weekend of my life and couldn’t thank my girl enough. The problem is from that weekend on she refuses to speak a word about what happened. In every other aspect the relationship is the same. I have asked her to talk about it, I have asked her if I did anything wrong, I even apologized just in case I did something wrong. She just says I should remember the weekend and assign it to the past where it belongs and I can get nothing more out of her. I feel really bad for her that maybe she thinks I think less of her because if that night (totally the opposite) or that she regrets that weekend, if she does I would love to assure her that while I’m grateful it happened it certainly changes nothing between us. Maybe she regrets being with her friend, I just don’t know. So am I best to drop this or pursue it and try to get some answers? I just don’t want to bury this if it’s going to fester away inside her only to raise its head later. If I’ve done something wrong I’ll own up to it and deal with it. We’ve always had good communication in our relationship, I get this was a huge weekend and a lot to deal with emotionally but I don’t think shutting it out is the way to go. At the same time I don’t want to push if it’s the wrong thing to do. It is clear, I think, that she did something for you that she didn't really want to do. She more or less forced herself to do it. If she had wanted that scenario for herself as well, she wouldn't mind talking about it. She is likely carrying some shame about it. Yes, it took courage for her to coordinate this, obviously, because she also had to involve another friend, but that doesn't mean she really wanted it either. This is a big deal and it needs to be addressed. If it was a good experience for her, she wouldn't want to bury it. You might want to start another conversation with her about it by simply saying that you appreciated and enjoyed that experience and how the fact that she went to the effort of coordinating it made you feel about her -- "I’m grateful for what you did to make that night happen and I love you for doing it". If it made you feel closer to her, tell her that too. Don't make apologies. You don't know if there is anything to apologize for. Don't mention what you think she is feeling. Make the statement about your feelings about it only. Then, let her take it from there. If she continues to shut down about it, I'd leave it alone for awhile. Let her think about and absorb what you've told her. Don't push it anymore. Right now, all you want to do is let her feel "safe" enough to talk about it. Edited March 15, 2015 by Redhead14
Author DazzasHappy Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 Well I'm a bit shocked by these answers. I didn't expect unqualified support but I thought at least someone would agree with me. However we live and learn and the point has been taken and I will back off. As a fairly open person who considers himself a good communicator I still doubt the wisdom of not communicating on this issue but by the looks of it it's just another in a long list of men from Mars / women from Venus issues. To be honest if we are never to speak of it (and it therefore goes without saying that we will never speak with her friend about it) then I'm not sure I still would have gone through with it. This somehow seems to have diminished the whole unbelievable weekend that it was. It now feels like we did something wrong and it needs to be hidden away, I'd almost say I feel guilty when I should be glowing about how incredible my girlfriend is. Maybe she does feel guilt? But if she is I still wish she would discuss it with me so I can support her through this in whatever capacity she needed me. It also saddens me deeply to think she may not have enjoyed herself or even worse that she forced herself to do this against her own better judgement out of some belief that I wanted it. I would never have wanted anything that made her feel uneasy. As much as I am grateful for the weekend if my girl was not 100% into it then I would have had just as much fun with only her in that hot little nurses uniform. I will wait, I will let her know that I am here and ready to talk about any fears, any concerns, anything at all when she is ready. I just hope that she does open up because I really honestly do feel awkward that I could never say "hey remember the time when...". Of course if she expressed regret then I would never do that out of respect but at the moment I just don't know.
Omei Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 (edited) Sometimes people don't want to talk about things and thats in their right. You're still only seeing your perspective and not hers and why it would make sense to let it go. She gave you a fantasy most wouldn't give she doesnt mind you reminiscing about herself and her friend but doesnt wish to hear you think about it out loud. Most women do not like sharing their partners she wants to go back to thinking you're only ever thinking of her again so let her have that. Had she known you were going to obsessivly want to chatter about it she might of not done it as a past poster said you're doing exactly as she prob fears making it into a big deal. She doesnt need you to remind her you're there for her she knows that she needs you to get over it and move onward. If you want to talk about it lots brag to your bros Edited March 16, 2015 by Omei 1
Diezel Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 So people tell you NOT to talk about it, and you're all like, "Well, I don't care, it should be normal to talk about it." NOT REALLY. As a man, let me tell you, this doesn't work the same way for you that it works for her. She did that thing that ONE time for YOU. Maybe she didn't really want to. Maybe she did it because she cared that much for you. Who knows? It happened, and you should be grateful that it happened. If the relationship is proceeding as normal, why not just let it die? It happened once. It may not ever happen again, so I don't see what the big deal of trying to rehash this with her? You asked for an inch, she gave you a mile, and you want her to relive that? What is she didn't think it was an incredible weekend as you did? And you want to keep bringing it up? All I read from this situation is that you are masking the purpose of the conversation. You just want to feel better about it because you have the seed of doubt firmly planted in your mind. You just want to know that she was okay with it, because then that makes YOU feel okay with it. I can already tell you aren't going to listen to anyone here. You just want SOMEONE... ANYONE... to agree with you and say it's a great idea to bring that up... specially "laying in bed". Well, I apologize, I'm not going to be that guy. 1
Redhead14 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 (edited) Well I'm a bit shocked by these answers. I didn't expect unqualified support but I thought at least someone would agree with me. However we live and learn and the point has been taken and I will back off. As a fairly open person who considers himself a good communicator I still doubt the wisdom of not communicating on this issue but by the looks of it it's just another in a long list of men from Mars / women from Venus issues. To be honest if we are never to speak of it (and it therefore goes without saying that we will never speak with her friend about it) then I'm not sure I still would have gone through with it. This somehow seems to have diminished the whole unbelievable weekend that it was. It now feels like we did something wrong and it needs to be hidden away, I'd almost say I feel guilty when I should be glowing about how incredible my girlfriend is. Maybe she does feel guilt? But if she is I still wish she would discuss it with me so I can support her through this in whatever capacity she needed me. It also saddens me deeply to think she may not have enjoyed herself or even worse that she forced herself to do this against her own better judgement out of some belief that I wanted it. I would never have wanted anything that made her feel uneasy. As much as I am grateful for the weekend if my girl was not 100% into it then I would have had just as much fun with only her in that hot little nurses uniform. I will wait, I will let her know that I am here and ready to talk about any fears, any concerns, anything at all when she is ready. I just hope that she does open up because I really honestly do feel awkward that I could never say "hey remember the time when...". Of course if she expressed regret then I would never do that out of respect but at the moment I just don't know. This is not about Mars/Venus, etc. It is about human nature. If someone pushes you to discuss something you aren't ready to talk about, how do you react? I am not suggesting that you never address it, I"m suggesting that you put it out there once for now and give her time to absorb it. If she doesn't talk about it fairly soon, I'd put it out there again and maybe word it differently "hey, I am sensing that you might be regretting having coordinated that evening, is that the case"? Draw her out in little bits. Don't overwhelm her that's all. It should be addressed because it's causing you some awkwardness and stress. You could also say something like "I am feeling some awkwardness about that night and it would help me to talk about it". "I was looking forward to being able to reminisce about it sometimes with you". If she refuses, there's really not a lot you can or should do about it without causing it to become an even bigger issue between you. Sometimes, you do have to let some things go. How has she been behaving otherwise since then? Does she seem a little withdrawn from you and/or her friend? Is she exhibiting any other signs of shame or awkwardness, say in the bedroom with you now? If so, you can start there. You can point out that things have been different and we need to talk about it because it's affecting us as a couple. Edited March 16, 2015 by Redhead14
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Holy crap dude. Who CARES if she liked it or not?? She asked you what YOU wanted, and then delivered some more. It wasn't something that she enjoyed, but did it because she wanted to show you that she LOVES you. It's a fantasy, which means a one time thing! Don't bring it up again. She said she doesn't want to go there, so respect that.
Author DazzasHappy Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 So people tell you NOT to talk about it, and you're all like, "Well, I don't care, it should be normal to talk about it." Let me just get this straight, maybe I have chosen the wrong words but when I say talk about it I don't mean sitting down an having a deep and meaningful conversation, I mean just talk about it in passing. For example we watched a movie just this weekend gone and one of the scenes included the couple picking up a woman for a threesome. I commented that "hey we know all about that now" and let's just say that apparently that was the wrong thing to say. I know my position doesn't have much support here but I still believe that totally pretending it didn't happen to the extent of the example above is wrong. What is she didn't think it was an incredible weekend as you did? And you want to keep bringing it up? Surely that is where communication is the key? All she has to do is say something and I will fully support her. Is she exhibiting any other signs of shame or awkwardness, say in the bedroom with you now? This is the thing that has me beat, she is absolutely 100% normal in every aspect of our relationship. If you didn't know, which no-one but us three does, then there would be no indication that it even happened. Holy crap dude. Who CARES if she liked it or not?? I care. I would hate to think that she did this exclusively for me while not really wanting to herself. I hate to think that I may have unwittingly played a hand in "coercing" her into this and now she is regretting it. I don't think that is the case but I cannot speak about it to find out first hand.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Let me just get this straight, maybe I have chosen the wrong words but when I say talk about it I don't mean sitting down an having a deep and meaningful conversation, I mean just talk about it in passing. For example we watched a movie just this weekend gone and one of the scenes included the couple picking up a woman for a threesome. I commented that "hey we know all about that now" and let's just say that apparently that was the wrong thing to say. I know my position doesn't have much support here but I still believe that totally pretending it didn't happen to the extent of the example above is wrong. Surely that is where communication is the key? All she has to do is say something and I will fully support her. This is the thing that has me beat, she is absolutely 100% normal in every aspect of our relationship. If you didn't know, which no-one but us three does, then there would be no indication that it even happened. I care. I would hate to think that she did this exclusively for me while not really wanting to herself. I hate to think that I may have unwittingly played a hand in "coercing" her into this and now she is regretting it. I don't think that is the case but I cannot speak about it to find out first hand. You're still not getting it. Your girlfriend is not comfortable talking about it, even in passing, and now you know that. Stop pushing it. So you think it's wrong to pretend it didn't happen - fine. What's more important to you? Being "right" or preserving your girlfriend's feelings after she did something so huge for you? The title of your thread is ironic, really. Your girlfriend opened up in a major way to you. You don't appear to understand or appreciate the enormity of what she did. And now you're complaining because she doesn't want to talk about it. You need to back off or you're going to have bigger problems on your hands. Is risking the respect and trust of your girlfriend worth the fantasy? You decide. 2
Redhead14 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Ok, you've said she is behaving as normal. If she's refusing to discuss it and is behaving "normally", I'd just leave it alone for quite a while. Since in general the communication between you two is good, why worry about this one thing that she doesn't want to talk about. Hopefully, there are tons of other nice things between you two to reminisce about. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Let me just get this straight, maybe I have chosen the wrong words but when I say talk about it I don't mean sitting down an having a deep and meaningful conversation, I mean just talk about it in passing. For example we watched a movie just this weekend gone and one of the scenes included the couple picking up a woman for a threesome. I commented that "hey we know all about that now" and let's just say that apparently that was the wrong thing to say. I know my position doesn't have much support here but I still believe that totally pretending it didn't happen to the extent of the example above is wrong. Surely that is where communication is the key? All she has to do is say something and I will fully support her. This is the thing that has me beat, she is absolutely 100% normal in every aspect of our relationship. If you didn't know, which no-one but us three does, then there would be no indication that it even happened. I care. I would hate to think that she did this exclusively for me while not really wanting to herself. I hate to think that I may have unwittingly played a hand in "coercing" her into this and now she is regretting it. I don't think that is the case but I cannot speak about it to find out first hand. You need to lock this **** down right now. You're going to sabotage your own relationship. It's perfectly normal for two people in a relationship to try something they wouldn't normally like to please their partner. Maybe not ALL the time, but once in a while or for special occasions like in your case. Everyone on this forum is telling you to just be a man and shutup about it, but you're getting emotional over the whole thing, when your relationship is otherwise normal. 1
Mrin Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 You need to lock this **** down right now. You're going to sabotage your own relationship. It's perfectly normal for two people in a relationship to try something they wouldn't normally like to please their partner. Maybe not ALL the time, but once in a while or for special occasions like in your case. Everyone on this forum is telling you to just be a man and shutup about it, but you're getting emotional over the whole thing, when your relationship is otherwise normal. Quoted for truth.
Gaeta Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 For example we watched a movie just this weekend gone and one of the scenes included the couple picking up a woman for a threesome. I commented that "hey we know all about that now" and let's just say that apparently that was the wrong thing to say. For goodness sake, you didn't say that ! *shaking head*. She is not your buddy! Don't talk to her like she is some dude you had a drunken night with. It's easy to see that you want to relive the fantasy by talking about it with her. She does not want to. Why is it so hard for you to understand? Go back to making her the focus of your fantasy and stop bringing this topic back. Each time you bring this topic up she hears ' that 3some is the most awesome sex ever, more awesome than just sex with you'. 1
Buddhist Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 Why do you have a need to discuss it and bring it up? She asked, then delivered and considers the favour done. She probably doesn't want to talk about it because she assumes you are going to badger her into another night of your fantasy and want a repeat performance. It was a one off thing she did, you enjoyed it, don't expect it to become the norm.
Omei Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 For goodness sake, you didn't say that ! *shaking head*. She is not your buddy! Don't talk to her like she is some dude you had a drunken night with. It's easy to see that you want to relive the fantasy by talking about it with her. She does not want to. Why is it so hard for you to understand? Go back to making her the focus of your fantasy and stop bringing this topic back. Each time you bring this topic up she hears ' that 3some is the most awesome sex ever, more awesome than just sex with you'. Pretty much what ive been trying to tell him she needs to believe it's just her in his mind again. 1
Gary S Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 She does not want to talk about it, and she does not want to be your counselor. You should not treat her as such. Why? - because negative things are a turnoff. If you need to get something off your chest, talk to a friend or a counselor. It's not romantic.
Standard-Fare Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 My guess is if there's any discomfort involved here, it's either because your girlfriend a) didn't like seeing you with another woman, or b) being with another woman herself stirred up some kind of feelings in her, whether good or bad. Like maybe it complicated her friendship with the girl. Or maybe it's another issue. Or maybe it's nothing. The point is your girlfriend doesn't want to discuss it. She prefers for you both to forget about it and move on. But you're not doing that. It's like harping on a past fight rather than just letting it die out. It sounds like you've already brought up the subject casually a couple times. You tried that joke, it bombed. Dwelling on this any more is going to look either like you're obsessing or angling for something more (like a repeat event in the future). Unless your girlfriend brings it up with you directly, I think you gotta let it drop.
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