Eaglestar83 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Please bare with me....am in a bad place now and just want some help figuring this out. Am 31 years old. I was dating a 27 year old for the best part of 7 months when she suddenly decided to end things. We both serious people and we had a solid start to what seemed like its going to be a long term relationship which we both said we want. Am the shy/nice guy type even though over the years I have managed to work on myself so I didn't smother her or anything. She was more outgoing than me and more social so obviously she took the lead on that front but I couldn't have helped that. We waited three months before having sex because I told her I don't want yet another failed relationship and wanted to make sure we are compatible before we get carried away. Also I find waiting makes the sex more meaningful for me once emotional connection is established. She met my family and took me many times to hers. Her past is that she had 7 other relationships before me, all under one year. I had only two, both serious on my part. That did concern me, however she reassured me that she had never dated anybody as serious and respectable as I am and that I treated her the best she has ever been treated and therefore this was somehow going to be different. I sensed throughout our courtship that she was with me because am nice and that she wasn't fully engaging with me emotionally even during sex she was distant and cold at times. But I was happy that we were going out at least twice a week, that she was willing to come to my family and that indicated to me that she's serious about me She ended things very abruptly and out of the blue at the end of our date back in December. I asked if there is someone else she said no. She refused to talk about things and just vanished after and I never heard from her again. There was no negotiation, no explanation given apart from 'my feelings changed'. She lives in same neighbourhood as me, and less than two months later I started noticing that her car is not parked outside her house at weekends, so now I know she has a new bf What's killing me is how she was able to disengage from us so quickly and go sleep with another man. Part of me feels that she was a deceiving bad girl and it's in her nature to do so, but then I remember how sweet she was to me and how solid our relationship seemed and wonder if it was my fault, if I wasn't fun enough or outgoing enough and that I lost her because of my incompetence. What do you guys/girls think?
anika99 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I don't think I would call her a bad girl but her relationship history certainly does indicate that she is not a good bet for serious long term commitment. Hard to say what is going on with her for sure but it doesn't sound like she anywhere ready to settle down. This needs to be a learning experience for you. Nobody likes to feel like they are judging another for their past but for the most part what people have done in their past is a good indication of what they will do in the future. You knew she had at least 7 relationships and all of them ended within a year so the writing was kind of on the wall. I think the biggest mistake people make when starting new relationships is that they let their egos lie to them. We all want to think that we are so special that whoever we love will magically change and become different/better people overnight under our special care and love. Sadly that is not the reality. Everyone is special in their own way but people don't change for love or for other people. Don't waste your time eating your heart out over the new guy. He will meet the same fate as you. Just grieve the relationship and choose better next time. 4
elliecoffee Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Being honest, you don't know why she broke up with you, probably it has nothing to do with you but only with herself. Don't go believing you were incompetent. Do I think she's a bad girl and deceiving and is sleeping with another man? No, I just think she has unresolved issues. What kind of issues? I don't know and I don't think she knows either. Don't punish yourself thinking it was your fault, is not fair to you. I'm sorry this happened to you, best thing you could do is move one and try not to think too much about it since you're still too invested, you won't see things clearly. Give yourself some time, I know it's hard but try not to speculate. Hope you're well and feeling better. xx 3
Author Eaglestar83 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 I don't think I would call her a bad girl but her relationship history certainly does indicate that she is not a good bet for serious long term commitment. Hard to say what is going on with her for sure but it doesn't sound like she anywhere ready to settle down. This needs to be a learning experience for you. Nobody likes to feel like they are judging another for their past but for the most part what people have done in their past is a good indication of what they will do in the future. You knew she had at least 7 relationships and all of them ended within a year so the writing was kind of on the wall. What is in her behaviour, from what i said, making you think she isn't ready to settle And secondly, please tell me, what is a good past history look like? Most people now days have had numerous relationships by the time they're in late twenties Thanks
anika99 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 What is in her behaviour, from what i said, making you think she isn't ready to settle And secondly, please tell me, what is a good past history look like? Most people now days have had numerous relationships by the time they're in late twenties Thanks Seriously? She has had 7 relationships and they all ended in under a year. Sorry make that 8 now, soon to be 9. That's not 8 one night stands just to get some sexual needs met or 8 dates, it's 8 boyfriends. She is only 27 and I don't think that's normal healthy behavior and I disagree that everyone in their twenties does this. When I think of all the single twenty something people I know most of them have had only around 1-3 romantic relationships. They may have had some sexual encounters or dates in-between relationships but only a couple of people they have fallen in love with. The only exception I know is my half brother. He dates a woman, falls madly in love with her, declares her the one he's meant to be with, and then dumps her after about 6 months as soon as she becomes a real person with real demands. He's in love with being infatuated and new romance. I should also mention he's in his 40's now and he's been doing this his whole life. I couldn't even begin to count the number of girlfriends he has had. I don't know what the problem is with your exgf. Maybe she has unrealistic standards which no guy can fulfill. Maybe she has abandonment issues. Maybe she comes from a f*cked up childhood that has left her with intimacy issues. Maybe she has a personality disorder. There are a thousand possibilities for why she dumps every single boyfriend she's had in less than a year. I do know without a shadow of a doubt that's she's not ready to settle down and I can't believe that you still can't see that even after she dumped you and has now moved on to number 9.
totenkopf Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Please bare with me....am in a bad place now and just want some help figuring this out. Am 31 years old. I was dating a 27 year old for the best part of 7 months when she suddenly decided to end things. We both serious people and we had a solid start to what seemed like its going to be a long term relationship which we both said we want. Am the shy/nice guy type even though over the years I have managed to work on myself so I didn't smother her or anything. She was more outgoing than me and more social so obviously she took the lead on that front but I couldn't have helped that. We waited three months before having sex because I told her I don't want yet another failed relationship and wanted to make sure we are compatible before we get carried away. Also I find waiting makes the sex more meaningful for me once emotional connection is established. She met my family and took me many times to hers. Her past is that she had 7 other relationships before me, all under one year. I had only two, both serious on my part. That did concern me, however she reassured me that she had never dated anybody as serious and respectable as I am and that I treated her the best she has ever been treated and therefore this was somehow going to be different. I sensed throughout our courtship that she was with me because am nice and that she wasn't fully engaging with me emotionally even during sex she was distant and cold at times. But I was happy that we were going out at least twice a week, that she was willing to come to my family and that indicated to me that she's serious about me She ended things very abruptly and out of the blue at the end of our date back in December. I asked if there is someone else she said no. She refused to talk about things and just vanished after and I never heard from her again. There was no negotiation, no explanation given apart from 'my feelings changed'. She lives in same neighbourhood as me, and less than two months later I started noticing that her car is not parked outside her house at weekends, so now I know she has a new bf What's killing me is how she was able to disengage from us so quickly and go sleep with another man. Part of me feels that she was a deceiving bad girl and it's in her nature to do so, but then I remember how sweet she was to me and how solid our relationship seemed and wonder if it was my fault, if I wasn't fun enough or outgoing enough and that I lost her because of my incompetence. What do you guys/girls think? Hi I read your story I am sorry this happened to you. It is very similar to the situation my ex gf put me in. We were together about 10 months and even planned getting married and getting a flat together which she viewed a week before she left me. She also had a young child who she encouraged me to not only care for but discipline. She also has had very short relationships and many one night stands she has slept with over forty men at the age of 25 and as someone who replied to you also stated the history of a person does indeed show how they will act in future. After we broke up she wasted no time getting with someone else and got engaged after 6 weeks! He is everything she claimed to hate and was and am still in complete awe about the whole thing. The night she left was completely out of the blue also, here was a woman I was planning the rest of my life with and that night we were happily watching television together I ignored something she said and that was it she broke all contact with me a week after she left and simply said all we did was argue! So very strange that a woman who felt that way would let the relationship progress to the point she viewed a flat and had me even sign a card to her son along with her a week before. I guess that some people are liars and users who feed people what they want to hear until they decide to move on to the next victim.
Author Eaglestar83 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 The way she ended it was also very cold and callous. You don't date for the purpose of a long term relationship without expecting to do some give and take and bit of effort to make it work. Soon as she announced the news she became a different person, cutting me short and totally disintested in what I had to say. My guess is that she already had found the new guy before she ended with us. A lot of young people are happy with serial monogomies these days, and each to their own, but why string somebody along even though they made it very clear from the outset that that's not what am looking for
totenkopf Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 The way she ended it was also very cold and callous. You don't date for the purpose of a long term relationship without expecting to do some give and take and bit of effort to make it work. Soon as she announced the news she became a different person, cutting me short and totally disintested in what I had to say. My guess is that she already had found the new guy before she ended with us. A lot of young people are happy with serial monogomies these days, and each to their own, but why string somebody along even though they made it very clear from the outset that that's not what am looking for Also the way my ex girlfriend ended it was cold and more than callous. She even went as far as to take my phone and delete images of herself from my laptop. It was like a different person suddenly a day before she was telling me how much she missed me and loved me then that. I was thinking the same thing about my ex that she may have had him lined up but I think it would have come out as a way to hurt me. There is no excuse at all for stringing you along but these people just do not care. Imagine wrapping all your girlfriends presents for her son and sorting out his birthday party and even signing a card " to son" with her to be dumped a week or two later and not even be there for his birthday! There are some horrible people out there that is all I know.
Author Eaglestar83 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 There are some horrible people out there that is all I know. I pray I never come across someone like this again. I think people like that are narcissists. They crave the attention and feeling superior, and then soon as they are bored of their toy they chuck it to the curb
Author Eaglestar83 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 (edited) I don't know what the problem is with your exgf. Maybe she has unrealistic standards which no guy can fulfill. Maybe she has abandonment issues. Maybe she comes from a f*cked up childhood that has left her with intimacy issues. Maybe she has a personality disorder. There are a thousand possibilities for why she dumps every single boyfriend she's had in less than a year. I do know without a shadow of a doubt that's she's not ready to settle down and I can't believe that you still can't see that even after she dumped you and has now moved on to number 9. It's hard to believe because this relationship seemed so proper, so mature and solid. From the outset, we both talked long term plans. We both seemed more interested in knowing that we have a future together rather than just focusing on the fun and lust of a new love. It just seemed so right, so mature. She seemed like she knew what she wanted. In a relationship like this, you dont just give up at the first sign of trouble. She did not come across as the coward little girl that gets bored so quickly and runs to the arms of another man soon as the excitement wears out a little and soon as the relationship gets real, with real life issues etc. Yes, as the months rolled by, and she didnt seem to be building any emotional connection with me, I started questioning whether this girl was in love with me or with being in a relationship, any relationship. Her behaviour which I adored in the beginning, started to feel generic. I had a chat with her few weeks before we broke, told her that I don't think she likes me enough, but she got defensive and said that maybe I expect too much and nothing would ever be enough. So I just shut my mouth and then this train wreck happened. As with regard to her past, she said she always wanted a stable relationship. That all the men she dated were jerks who either treated her badly or had no intention to settle down. She seemed very happy that am actually taking things seriously. Towards the end, she started picking problems with us. all of a sudden i was no longer her type, i wasnt outgoing enough, tall enough, sophisticated enough. seemed like a case of the grass is greener..... When things ended without a good reason, I thought she would take the time to reflect, to be realistic with her expectations. After all, she agreed to date me knowing all of the above. I didnt suddenly become shy or not as outgoing or whatever. Edited March 16, 2015 by Eaglestar83
sabd Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 From the outset, we both talked long term plans. There's your red flag, right there. Fast forwarding into fantasy land early on in a relationship is a classic sign of future commitment issues and not being grounded in reality. People who do this, more often than not, don't fully engage emotionally and are able to exit relationships very quickly and easily. 1
Author Eaglestar83 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 There's your red flag, right there. Fast forwarding into fantasy land early on in a relationship is a classic sign of future commitment issues and not being grounded in reality. People who do this, more often than not, don't fully engage emotionally and are able to exit relationships very quickly and easily. I didnt mean plans for the two of us, I meant personal plans. I told her am not looking for just another relationship then an ex. That am happy being single rather than jump into wrong relationship. She seemed very reciprocal and we took things slow
lumberjac Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 There's your red flag, right there. Fast forwarding into fantasy land early on in a relationship is a classic sign of future commitment issues and not being grounded in reality. People who do this, more often than not, don't fully engage emotionally and are able to exit relationships very quickly and easily. Hey Sabd, I'm wondering if you could explain more as I'm interested, or would you be able to point me to the right direction where I can learn more about it? Thanks.
mightycpa Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 What's killing me is how she was able to disengage from us so quickly and go sleep with another man. Just about everybody wonders HOW COULD THEY DO THAT? Just know that they can, and it happens a lot. There should be a book or something that reminds you of this when you FIRST start going out. I wonder if it was my fault, if I wasn't fun enough or outgoing enough and that I lost her because of my incompetence. What do you guys/girls think?Maybe. You can't rule it out, even if she tells you that wasn't it. But that doesn't matter. Imagine if the reason really was that you weren't "fun" enough. It would mean that in order to keep her, you'd have to act "more fun", the operative word being "act". It means that you couldn't be yourself. That would be exhausting after a while. What you can do, however, is examine your behavior and find where you might not have lived up to your own expectations. Maybe you could be more enthusiastic. Maybe not. There is no right or wrong, there is only you. Certainly you can change, but don't try to change into someone you aren't. It is a waste of your time. Just be the best you that you can be. That way, when you do find someone compatible, it won't be a ton of work - it will just be natural for you.
mightycpa Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Imagine wrapping all your girlfriends presents for her son and sorting out his birthday party and even signing a card " to son" with her to be dumped a week or two later and not even be there for his birthday! You can probably comfort yourself with the thought that he never even saw the card that you signed.
SearchingForMyself Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I find that in my lifetime, women will hardly ever be straightforward with you. My ex once told me "You should have taken the hint!" when I found out she had cheated on me. It's things like this that make me glad I'm single. If one day they invent virtual reality for that very need, a lot of women are GOING to be really pissed.
mightycpa Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 My ex once told me "You should have taken the hint!" when I found out she had cheated on me. so, stipulating that this was a ****ty thing to say, no argument there, what was the hint that you were supposed to take? That sounds like something she'd say after you found out and stuck around anyway, then she cheated again.
totenkopf Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 You can probably comfort yourself with the thought that he never even saw the card that you signed. Yeah I suppose it was just an easy way to get all the presents wrapped as well lol
elaine567 Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 OP you almost engineered the relationship to be the long term one YOU wanted from day one, and you didn't factor in the fact she is her own person and you cannot MAKE a person build that emotional connection with you necessary for it to actually BE a long term relationship. She maybe also believed in that wholeheartedly too; it is easy to go with the flow as we all want our soul mate. BUT time tends to reduce all that dreaming, to the world of reality. She just woke up It sounds like she woke up a while ago and zoned out, but stuck in there, perhaps thinking it would get better, perhaps not wanting to let go of that dream, until she decided it just wasn't for her and left. YOU can blame her all you like, you can place labels on her regarding all sorts of personality traits, even mental instability if it makes you feel better, but the fact is she realised you were not the person she wanted to be in a relationship with and left. That is normal dating, we try and find those we are compatible with and we ditch those we lack a connection with. She just did not find that connection with you. Move on.
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