When guys talk about "forever"...

[blackcat777]

This is a more philosophical inquiry than anything, and I'd love to hear male and female feedback.

 

When a guy you're really into that you've been dating for a while steadily and increasingly initiates talks about an exclusive future with you... what are some graceful and classy ways to entertain the conversation?

 

It's something I wonder about... in general. I used to be extremely unconscious about my relationships and relationship skills when I was younger. I never cared about tomorrow, and no one I was with ever inspired me to think about what a life with someone actually meant. I was very in the moment and took people for granted.

 

I had one serious relationship when I was 21-23 where, god knows if the guy I was with ever spoke about a future with me, but if he did, it didn't stick to my brain and I just never thought about it.

 

Without going into a whole big long life story, things with my current boyfriend right now are so awesome. I love him so much. Meeting him was such a wakeup call; early into the relationship I had this revelation that I had to run some serious diagnostics on myself and make sure I was actually relationship material, because he's so terribly awesome, I'd hate to drive him away with bad behavior.

 

For the past few months, he's talked increasingly about the future. Some shared business dreams, travel plans, the exotic plants we'd grow in a solarium if we shared one. In the beginning of the relationship (understandably) he avoided the word "forever" like the plague, and all the time now, he tells me he loves me always and forever.

 

I understand that guys in general fear being trapped by women, or experiencing a loss of freedom. My boyfriend is also younger, which I think highlights this consideration in a lot of ways, but it seems to be an eternal male/female dynamic (every man needs his man cave). So, if a guy who is really into someone starts talking about a future, I'd assume it's generally a good sign, as long as his actions support the sentiment--but I wonder, is this also a fragile/volatile thing as well? I'm sure it's easy for women to appear too eager too soon.

 

I'm interested in a general discussion of the topic, not necessarily internet divination for my own situation. There are circumstances for both me and my man that will keep our situation how it is now (exclusive dating with sleepovers) for a few years, but we both understand that, we're good with it, and as more time passes, the more I realize it is the best possible way to deal with my situation if we are to end up together happily... truly happily... with a stable relationship in the end, not something silly and whimsical, poorly constructed under the delusions of lust.

 

Once recently when my boyfriend talked about us having a life together, I told him sincerely that I'm not with him for the destination, but for every step of the journey, and it's true.

 

I know that people make all kinds of promises when they're in love, and I'm sure many, many of those people don't end up together forever. So, I'm not holding my breath or taking his word as gospel. I'm not taking him literally and making plans on the calendar for anything.

 

I've made sure to always maintain some aloofness about the future. Or, I talk about what I think is cool (like those viral paradise treehouse pictures circulating on facebook).

 

Rather, I'm just so touched that he feels that way... that he's as serious as he can be for where he is right now... It goes straight to my heart and makes me so happy. I've also never had the experience of being so excited and enthralled at the idea of really giving a relationship a mutual best shot.

 

Obviously, I will just keep doing what I'm doing... which has been focusing on appreciating everything he does for me, respecting his space and freedom (this includes trust), always being honest, making our time together as special (not boring or routine) as possible, and keeping my life rich with my own hobbies, doing me for the sake of me (right now, I'm furthering my education). As I started paying attention to all of these things, it definitely intensified our emotional connection. His mentions of a future seem correlated with increasing emotional connection (it's probably not rocket surgery...).

 

Is it a strong emotional connection that has the power to withstand the passage of time?

Edited March 15, 2015 by blackcat777

[JohnAdams]

When guys talk about "forever"...

 

When I talk or have previously talked about forever, I mean forever, the rest of my life. To make forever work, you must have commitment. To stick to commitments, you must in my opinion have strong principles. I have been married 42 years, I was 19 when I married. When I became engaged, I gave a lot of thought to what I had signed up for the rest of my life. I think when most guys talk about forever, they really mean the rest of their life. Sometimes life events change that, but, when most say forever, they mean it at least at that time. Can they keep their commitment? That is another question.

[writergal]

Based on my own personal experience, no, you shouldn't take men seriously when they discuss a future with you. Most of the time, any future talk is said in the heat of the moment, usually during or after sex.

 

Heck, the Hindenburg told me he wanted to marry me and have my children; meanwhile he was cheating on me with the woman he cheated on his wife with. As the poster JohnAdams pointed out, future talk and commitment are two totally different things.

 

I think the planets have to align for a man's future talk and his commitment to you to actually materialize. I basically don't pay attention to future talk by men I date, because it's never materialized into a future with any of them.

 

Less talk. More action. That's my new relationship barometer. Show me you want a future with me by making the commitment, by planning and going on the vacations with me, etc.,. etc.,. For now, I view "future talk" by men I date as a red flag until proved otherwise.

[Gloria25]

Ok, I agree with "talking", but the talking had to be attached to a "goal".

 

For example...

 

He may be ready to get married. Doesn't mean he's gonna marry YOU, but he's giving you the heads up that when he's dating, he's looking for qualities of a "wife". Do, dating him is not just going to the movies, dinner and enjoying each other. He's gonna take at least 1 1/2 to 2 years to really get to know you and will make a decision to propose if he finds out what he needs to know about you to decide if you're wifey material.

 

So, let's say you agree that you want him to date you with intentions of marrying you if you fit the bill....Then, start paying attention to his actions to see if they match up with his talk. Like, he should be discussing practical things like religion, finances, children. You should know his friends, family. You see him getting his career/job/education straight cuz he's putting himself in the position where he'd be ready to take on a wife and family. In other words you see "progression" in the RL. And, no, progression does not equate him asking you to move in/shack-up wit you.

 

Now, you say you like the "journey" not the "destination" and yes...couples get stronger and/or bond cuz they go through stuff "together" on their path in life.

 

But, what you're describing, IMO, is typical of people dating. They just get on the road with their backpack on some "journey" w/o a set destination and after a while then they will say 'ok, where is this going?'.

 

I don't work that way. From date one, you should let me know if you are dating for "company" or "commitment", so I can decide if I wanna get on this "journey". Cuz, I don't have 1 1/2 to 2 years to waste to find out that you are not the "marrying type".