An0nymiss666 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Hi fine people of LS, We've been chatting again for a week, after two months of NC. He was the dumper, and he initiated the contact. At first I thought he was just emotional or trying to start something with me. Initially we got into a foolish argument that I do think was fueled by emotions, but just hashed it out, and now things are civil. It's actually pleasant and refreshing to talk with him again. We don't talk(text) constantly 24/7 but ya know throughout the day we'll shoot each other messages. Sometimes he jokes around with me just like he did when we were together or uses inside jokes. He's mentioned working things out, which entails visiting/moving in if things were to change, since he no longer lives in the area (he moved before we broke up and we were long distance for a little bit). That's really where it stops as of right now. We haven't had any really deep conversation about the future. But it hasn't been that long. I was straight-forward with him and told him that he has me seriously thinking about it, because I think it's pretty likely we could work things out. At this point things have cooled off and had time to settle and I think we're both in a clear state of mind. I said didn't want to go my entire life wondering whether or not we really could've made things right. Or missing out on that. Because we really had a good thing going on. He said that's fair, but also said to relax because we've only been talking for a short time. Which I also think is a fair statement. Now, that's not the ONLY reason why. I know that anyone could say the same thing about any past relationship, wondering if it could've worked out. But we really made each other happy and enriched each others lives. Had an incredible connection I've never found elsewhere. Here are my concerns: I've just been myself. Obviously I can't be pushy. I'm not opposed to just being friends. But I really do want to work things out, although I know it's not "supposed" to be on me. I know there's no one set of rules to follow, though. I'm still at the point where I'm perfectly OK with the break up. I mean I always hoped we could've worked it out instead of breaking it off, but I honestly didn't think I'd ever hear from him again -- and that was that. So I've been at peace with everything. I'm afraid of getting to some point where I'll be hurt if he decides to disappear or something. He seemed really jealous, maybe even angry, when I told him I went on a couple of innocent one-and-done dates. Even though he's done the same thing, and I wasn't mad at him for it. I suppose this could either be a good or a bad thing depending on who you ask. Because he either cares about me or is just being a jerk with the thought of me going out with someone else. Maybe both, lol. Given the distance, I'd like to think it says a lot since we can't see each other at the drop of a hat, and yet he's mentioned these things and is talking to me. But also don't want to read too far into it. I don't see why I'd matter all that much being far away if I'm just "an ex" ya know? I'm not quite sure what to do. Just proceed with caution, be myself and see what happens? We have already done NC and he came back, and he initiates conversation on his own. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice or input. Thanks so much!
Ruby65 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Just my take, but I'd draw a line before I got hurt. It's not a great sign when the dumper reaches out but wants to leave things undefined. He could just be enjoying the contact again and wanting to keep you around so he's less lonely while he looks for his next girlfriend. I'd let him know you're interested in reconciling, and that he should contact you if he decides that's what he wants -- but that otherwise you need the contact to stop so you can move on. I wouldn't continue to be there for him as a flirty friend or text buddy. But that's just me! 4
Author An0nymiss666 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 That's a very good point. I could just quit while I'm ahead. It seems like he does get emotional at times so perhaps it's a mix of that and maybe he just enjoys the conversation. Who knows... 1
BC1980 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I think Ruby hit the nail on the head. It's bad when a dumper is reticent to define where the relationship is going. I see a lot of threads like this on LS, and it usually doesn't end well. It seems like he's just reaching out to you because you're familiar, not because he's serious about a relationship. He's going through his own grieving process. 1
blackcat777 Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) Ditto again what Ruby said. You deserve a man who definitively wants to be in your life. There's no harm in leaving the door open for that situation... but there is huge potential harm in leaving doors open for less than what you deserve or what will make you happy. My boyfriend who dumped me came back. He came to my front door. I did not even open the door for him until he made it absolutely clear that he wanted to stay with me and do whatever it takes to keep me. Fortunately, not a single day has passed since then where he went back on his word, and life is great. At the slightest display of wishy-washy behavior, I would have him out on the curb and have no qualms about it. He broke my heart once and there's no way on earth I'd go through that again. The whole experience taught me that anyone who isn't willing to love me completely isn't worth my time. I'm the kind of person who loves completely. I would stay NC and take more time. From all the breakup psychology I've read, loss doesn't set in for the dumper until 6-8 weeks, and only once that loss sets in, does the dumper begin the grieving process, so real and lasting change will take significantly longer. Contact also draws out the process of moving on, while simultaneously sparing the dumper the pain of experiencing the loss of you completely. If you do want them back, the dumper has to come face to face with life without you and truly realize, undisturbed, on their own, what that means. I'd wager he's too wrapped up in the waves of the grieving process, denial, bargaining, etc., when he reaches out to you, which means he hasn't had to accept life TRULY without you, yet. I think a person has to reach the stage of acceptance before they can make a fully informed decision about whether to move on or to reconcile. Anything before then is an emotional rollercoaster of craziness. I'd let him know that it's reconciliation or bust, and back to NC. What else is in it for you? I'm not saying this sounds doomed, necessarily... but two months is extremely tender and some time to reflect will hopefully fortify his position. He has to be motivated to reach out on his own--not just to reach out, but to reconcile, full on. That motivator will be the realization of what he lost, and he can't feel that loss if he has contact with you. Edited March 17, 2015 by blackcat777 2
Author An0nymiss666 Posted March 17, 2015 Author Posted March 17, 2015 Thanks for the replies everyone, and I'm glad it worked out for you, blackcat! I think I'm just going to stop talking to him, as in just stop replying and carrying on the conversation any longer. I figure it can go one of two ways. Either he'll just cease any further conversation after no response from me, or he'll ask why I've stopped talking at some point. Then I can say how I feel and whatever happens next will hopefully be for the best. I'm not going to do it to play games. But if he doesn't ever talk to me again or what I have to say isn't what he wants to hear, then he's definitely not worth even HOPING to reconcile 1
banana1522 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 (edited) He has to be motivated to reach out on his own--not just to reach out, but to reconcile, full on I definitely think the dumper has to break NC first but I'm curious if you think that it has to be as straight up as that from the very beginning..? What about the 'take it slow' approach? Sure, some people will be willing to stick their neck out and ask for another chance straight off the bat but does that mean anything less, e.g. casual but meaningful contact, means you should completely ignore them? If I still want to try things with my ex in a few months I don't know if I would expect her to jump right into relationship talk without first showing some 'signs' of wanting to reconcile. I suppose the question then is, how do you know when are they dropping breadcrumbs and when are they giving you said signs? Edited March 18, 2015 by banana1522
Author An0nymiss666 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 I definitely think the dumper has to break NC first but I'm curious if you think that it has to be as straight up as that from the very beginning..? What about the 'take it slow' approach? Sure, some people will be willing to stick their neck out and ask for another chance straight off the bat but does that mean anything less, e.g. casual but meaningful contact, means you should completely ignore them? That's also what I've been wondering. He was the one to break NC and mention reconciling even though we haven't seriously talked about it. However, I wouldn't just want to jump right into things either. So not hearing that they want to reconcile right off the bat isn't necessarily a reason to ignore them. But in my situation I don't want to get back to the point where I'll be hurt if he decided to drop off the face of the earth or something. I'm pretty sure he knows I'm up for reconciliation. I've straight up said it more than once. So I don't know if my situation is leaning towards that. If I still want to try things with my ex in a few months I don't know if I would expect her to jump right into relationship talk without first showing some 'signs' of wanting to reconcile. I suppose the question then is, how do you know when are they dropping breadcrumbs and when are they giving you said signs? I'm also wondering about this. Sometimes our conversations are like things never ended, just with our inside joking and talking about things/people we know. Sometimes we exchange pictures. But I'm not so sure what this means, if anything. As someone else stated I might just be familiar. I think obvious bread crumbs are just vague statements or questions like "how are you?" and it never really goes far beyond that.
blackcat777 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 If you block all forms of casual contact, it forces them to lay their cards on the table if they really care. This is one of the reasons I advocate blocking. You get what you want, or you're free to get what you want as quickly as possible. I blocked my boyfriend everywhere except for gmail (the plugin wouldn't work, I installed every version of Chrome, 32 bit and 64 bit since it's inception, paid for the license, contacted tech support four times with no response... I literally TRIED EVERYTHING). First, he sent the emails. Hey, let's meet up, let's go for a walk, let's do all this stuff we used to do, I said some things I maybe shouldn't have, but I can talk to you like we're still cool, right.......... I *did* *not* *budge.* NC. He was testing the waters, but after smashing my heart the way he did, that much was not good enough for me. It took me four months to realize that... any earlier on and I would have jumped at any contact from him, probably in an offputting and desperate way. NC is important to keep until you can think clearly. I'm also not saying "it wasn't good enough for me" in a vengeful way; I just really, truly deserved more respect than... an email. You are the only person that can set the bar for the respect you deserve. After being dumped, it's all about YOU looking out for you. Every small way you find to look out for yourself post-heartbreak will work wonders for rebuilding your self-esteem. Nothing hurts more than being disrespected, discarded in an intimate relationship; all you can do is daily extend respect to yourself. This gains momentum over time. Anyway, then the emails changed and became a little more hysterical when he called and realized his number was blocked. He was apologetic, said I was right to block him, and realized I meant business. But after breaking my heart? Honestly, I deserved a face to face conversation. He broke up with me over the PHONE. Without a reason. I went insane with grief, so insane with grief, lost twenty pounds in the first week, my stomach was so upset. I didn't sleep. I treated him like gold the entire time we were together. I left him no choice but to come to my front door, which he did, with flowers, chocolates, a bag of gifts. I still didn't open the door! I called him and asked him what he wanted. (I could call out with his number blocked, but he couldn't call in. Bonus for my provider giving an automated message telling him straight up he was blocked.) After a long speech about how I was a gift to humanity... I finally decided to let him inside, and we reconciled. My point is, you should not have to dangle, fish, and extrapolate for signs of a dumper testing the waters. You have to determine your worth and set your boundaries. For what we had and how my boyfriend broke it off, a phone call, a walk, a chat, a cup of tea, as much as I loved him and wanted him back, would have been an utter slap in the face. Am I that worthless? Will I let people stomp all over my heart, leave, and then come back when they feel like it? Bribe me with a cup of tea? Maybe the dumper is scared? I'm sure my boyfriend was, but the important thing to take away from a seemingly harsh application of NC is... the dumper's fear of life without you MUST snowball to an intensity greater than their fear of your rejection. It's the critical mass required, IMHO, to move a fresh, new relationship between the two of you forward. If they're not willing to put it on the line... do you really want a lover who won't put everything on the line for you? More importantly, do you deserve that? Or do you deserve better? Have you been NC long enough to start thinking about these things? (These questions are rhetorical.) Not a single day has passed since our reconciliation where my boyfriend doesn't treat me like an absolute queen. If I had broken NC, it would have diluted his process of wanting to return to me, because, on some level, I would have been available for something less than what would have made me happy. That would have sent out an intensely negative message about me--that I'm willing to put myself in compromising emotional situations because I lost touch with my strength to stand up and say I deserve better. Nobody wants a doormat. I understand 100% completely the fear of being forgotten about by the dumper. Flip that fear and use it to your advantage. If you can make them fear losing you, they'll be back, if there was ever any love there in the first place. But you HAVE to disappear for that to happen. NC is all about reaching inside and finding strength you never knew you had; when you do this, you can use the worst pain of your life to transform yourself. I wasn't shutting out my boyfriend when I was NC; I simply left one path open to him, and that was the magic words, "I want you back," and I wanted to see his face. I left no room for anything else. No room for confusion. I remember days and days of reading other breakups here that happened around the same time as mine. I was so jealous of people who got breadcrumbs during the first few months, and I heard nothing from my boyfriend. It made me even angrier that I knew he was a good enough person to at least leave me alone and not torture me with breadcrumbs, either. Agony all around. But I did not acknowledge anything other than complete honesty and openness on his part, and he has told me time and time again, he gained the biggest respect for me because of it. He already missed me like hell, but on top of that, he witnessed my dignity, my ability to walk and hold my head high, my strength to take care of myself in my darkest times. Dang, who wouldn't want someone like that? Also, I did really cool stuff during NC, like start pole dancing classes. tl;dr The easiest way to sort it all out is to leave no room for breadcrumbs! You don't want them anyway. If you think you do, stay NC for another month and check again. Also, if I sounded like an arrogant biatch in any parts of this, I love my boyfriend with my whole soul, make a point to appreciate him daily, and to make him my king. It's a two-way street. But if you're all about someone and they're not reciprocating, be prepared to check a cost-benefit analysis. I still am to this day, because no one in a relationship deserves to be unappreciated. If you have something to gain from recalling inside jokes and shooting the breeze with a person that dumped you, by all means, go ahead. For me, it would have been meaningless self-torture. It would have held me back in a big way... as much as I cried and died inside for contact. The most difficult part about reconciling is rebuilding trust, so the more you create space for the dumper to initiate, the more sincere the process will seem and the less doubts you'll have. Doubts are poisonous things. 2
BlackbirdSong Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Blackcat777, I truly applaud your story and congratulate you on getting the love of your life back successfully. Something inside me tells me that this only really works on men. Men tend to fight over the women they truly want and will go through great lengths to make it happen (much like yours did). However I don't think that many women would be willing to jump through so many hoops, regardless if they love the guy or not. Women have too many options available, so they don't really have to work as hard. Maybe I'm jaded because I know my exgirlfriend wouldn't do whatever it takes to come crawling back and it makes me very sad.
Twigyy Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Same for my ex. She wouldn't want to go through all those to have me back, which is sad.
banana1522 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I also have a feeling that when a male dumper makes these kind of big mistakes it is perhaps necessary to show how regretful they are for the decision they made. I wouldn't expect my ex gf to do such things though. She might but I would probably not just blank her if I could see she was trying to test the waters first. Of course that kind of leaves you open to being a doormat but I reckon that can be avoided by not seeming too bothered by an immediate reconciliation, by just hanging back, having fun again and hopefully hooking up, saying stuff like, "hey, I'm dating other people, you're dating other people... let's just see where this goes" (that doesn't have to be true but at least it makes it look like you are chilled with whatever happens). You are supposed to be starting fresh. You wouldn't go straight into relationship talks if you started seeing someone new right? You just enjoy spending time together and then hopefully end up in bed - which leads to a relationship. I think if you can recreate that with an ex, they should eventually want to go 'back' to being exclusive with you. That indifference should hopefully recreate some attraction from their side too if they're serious. If they aren't then you will soon find out.. The point is, you have to actually BE indifferent, otherwise you are definitely opening yourself up to more hurt. Just my opinion.
Author An0nymiss666 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Posted March 18, 2015 (edited) I normally don't generalize either gender, but I think that's true about women. It's not totally impossible for women to come back, but in most cases I don't think they do. For the most part I think if the woman is the dumper, she's already had more than enough and was probably over the relationship before things actually ended. I can speak from experience because I ended my last two serious relationships before this one that I posted about. By the time I dumped my exes I was already over the relationship on the inside, and I didn't look back even once. That doesn't mean that you had a bad relationship, or that she thought it was bad. We all know every situation is different. I just think guys are prone to making rash decisions about breaking up and women are more likely to let things drag on and thus have all of this extra time to think about things and lose interest in the relationship before they even end it, which is why we don't come back. :/ I think my ex is talking to me because he thinks he made a mistake but at the same time doesn't know what he wants. Like blackcat said, two months isn't a whole lot of time. I really appreciate everyone's feedback. It does feel good to be joking around and stuff with him but really. Even if he just wants to be friends or something I want some kind of effort or he needs to establish that. He texted me earlier today and I didn't respond. We'll see what happens. Edit: However, I'm still afraid that indifference will be off-putting? I know I've made my statements clear to him about being willing to reconcile, but still. Edited March 18, 2015 by An0nymiss666 .
Twigyy Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 If you block all forms of casual contact, it forces them to lay their cards on the table if they really care. This is one of the reasons I advocate blocking. You get what you want, or you're free to get what you want as quickly as possible. I blocked my boyfriend everywhere except for gmail (the plugin wouldn't work, I installed every version of Chrome, 32 bit and 64 bit since it's inception, paid for the license, contacted tech support four times with no response... I literally TRIED EVERYTHING). First, he sent the emails. Hey, let's meet up, let's go for a walk, let's do all this stuff we used to do, I said some things I maybe shouldn't have, but I can talk to you like we're still cool, right.......... I *did* *not* *budge.* NC. He was testing the waters, but after smashing my heart the way he did, that much was not good enough for me. It took me four months to realize that... any earlier on and I would have jumped at any contact from him, probably in an offputting and desperate way. NC is important to keep until you can think clearly. I'm also not saying "it wasn't good enough for me" in a vengeful way; I just really, truly deserved more respect than... an email. You are the only person that can set the bar for the respect you deserve. After being dumped, it's all about YOU looking out for you. Every small way you find to look out for yourself post-heartbreak will work wonders for rebuilding your self-esteem. Nothing hurts more than being disrespected, discarded in an intimate relationship; all you can do is daily extend respect to yourself. This gains momentum over time. Anyway, then the emails changed and became a little more hysterical when he called and realized his number was blocked. He was apologetic, said I was right to block him, and realized I meant business. But after breaking my heart? Honestly, I deserved a face to face conversation. He broke up with me over the PHONE. Without a reason. I went insane with grief, so insane with grief, lost twenty pounds in the first week, my stomach was so upset. I didn't sleep. I treated him like gold the entire time we were together. I left him no choice but to come to my front door, which he did, with flowers, chocolates, a bag of gifts. I still didn't open the door! I called him and asked him what he wanted. (I could call out with his number blocked, but he couldn't call in. Bonus for my provider giving an automated message telling him straight up he was blocked.) After a long speech about how I was a gift to humanity... I finally decided to let him inside, and we reconciled. My point is, you should not have to dangle, fish, and extrapolate for signs of a dumper testing the waters. You have to determine your worth and set your boundaries. For what we had and how my boyfriend broke it off, a phone call, a walk, a chat, a cup of tea, as much as I loved him and wanted him back, would have been an utter slap in the face. Am I that worthless? Will I let people stomp all over my heart, leave, and then come back when they feel like it? Bribe me with a cup of tea? Maybe the dumper is scared? I'm sure my boyfriend was, but the important thing to take away from a seemingly harsh application of NC is... the dumper's fear of life without you MUST snowball to an intensity greater than their fear of your rejection. It's the critical mass required, IMHO, to move a fresh, new relationship between the two of you forward. If they're not willing to put it on the line... do you really want a lover who won't put everything on the line for you? More importantly, do you deserve that? Or do you deserve better? Have you been NC long enough to start thinking about these things? (These questions are rhetorical.) Not a single day has passed since our reconciliation where my boyfriend doesn't treat me like an absolute queen. If I had broken NC, it would have diluted his process of wanting to return to me, because, on some level, I would have been available for something less than what would have made me happy. That would have sent out an intensely negative message about me--that I'm willing to put myself in compromising emotional situations because I lost touch with my strength to stand up and say I deserve better. Nobody wants a doormat. I understand 100% completely the fear of being forgotten about by the dumper. Flip that fear and use it to your advantage. If you can make them fear losing you, they'll be back, if there was ever any love there in the first place. But you HAVE to disappear for that to happen. NC is all about reaching inside and finding strength you never knew you had; when you do this, you can use the worst pain of your life to transform yourself. I wasn't shutting out my boyfriend when I was NC; I simply left one path open to him, and that was the magic words, "I want you back," and I wanted to see his face. I left no room for anything else. No room for confusion. I remember days and days of reading other breakups here that happened around the same time as mine. I was so jealous of people who got breadcrumbs during the first few months, and I heard nothing from my boyfriend. It made me even angrier that I knew he was a good enough person to at least leave me alone and not torture me with breadcrumbs, either. Agony all around. But I did not acknowledge anything other than complete honesty and openness on his part, and he has told me time and time again, he gained the biggest respect for me because of it. He already missed me like hell, but on top of that, he witnessed my dignity, my ability to walk and hold my head high, my strength to take care of myself in my darkest times. Dang, who wouldn't want someone like that? Also, I did really cool stuff during NC, like start pole dancing classes. tl;dr The easiest way to sort it all out is to leave no room for breadcrumbs! You don't want them anyway. If you think you do, stay NC for another month and check again. Also, if I sounded like an arrogant biatch in any parts of this, I love my boyfriend with my whole soul, make a point to appreciate him daily, and to make him my king. It's a two-way street. But if you're all about someone and they're not reciprocating, be prepared to check a cost-benefit analysis. I still am to this day, because no one in a relationship deserves to be unappreciated. If you have something to gain from recalling inside jokes and shooting the breeze with a person that dumped you, by all means, go ahead. For me, it would have been meaningless self-torture. It would have held me back in a big way... as much as I cried and died inside for contact. The most difficult part about reconciling is rebuilding trust, so the more you create space for the dumper to initiate, the more sincere the process will seem and the less doubts you'll have. Doubts are poisonous things. This made me think differently about doing NC. Glad that NC does work in making people think and becoming stronger. 1
Smokeshow Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 It's too bad that people make generalizations about genders. I'm a male and when I have been the dumper I have never looked back, I have been dumped 3 times in my life and the first 2 I never looked back after they dumped me, the third one I was well on my way too but just sent her a text after not speaking to her for 5 months. We will see how it goes or if she responds but I think generally if you take some time to yourself after a break up and I mean months, then you never know what feelings may come back sometimes you just have to take a chance in life and maybe that is what your ex is doing
mineral27 Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 My point is, you should not have to dangle, fish, and extrapolate for signs of a dumper testing the waters. [...] Maybe the dumper is scared? I'm sure my boyfriend was, but the important thing to take away from a seemingly harsh application of NC is... the dumper's fear of life without you MUST snowball to an intensity greater than their fear of your rejection. It's the critical mass required, IMHO, to move a fresh, new relationship between the two of you forward. ... If I had broken NC [...] I would have been available for something less than what would have made me happy. ... I wasn't shutting out my boyfriend when I was NC; I simply left one path open to him, and that was the magic words, "I want you back," and I wanted to see his face. I left no room for anything else. No room for confusion. But I did not acknowledge anything other than complete honesty and openness on his part, and he has told me time and time again, he gained the biggest respect for me because of it. He already missed me like hell, but on top of that, he witnessed my dignity, my ability to walk and hold my head high, my strength to take care of myself in my darkest times. ... The most difficult part about reconciling is rebuilding trust, so the more you create space for the dumper to initiate, the more sincere the process will seem and the less doubts you'll have. Doubts are poisonous things. This! This is golden ... words of wisdom that made me rethink NC. And also, it really helps to know what you were going through emotionally when you were NC - when you didn't know, or expect, what will happen ... I remember days and days of reading other breakups here that happened around the same time as mine. I was so jealous of people who got breadcrumbs during the first few months, and I heard nothing from my boyfriend. It made me even angrier that I knew he was a good enough person to at least leave me alone and not torture me with breadcrumbs, either. Agony all around. Even though everyone else seemed to be doing better, in the end, what they got were breadcrumbs and you got a boyfriend who treats you like a queen ... ^^ Thank you for sharing this story
xinaxxsdertf Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Just a quick question.. how long did the bad days last during NC? Im on day 3 of NC (was on day 12 before i fed into her breadcrumbs horribly and pretty much ruined every chance of reconciling even though she was telling me she loves me) so now im back to day 3 NC. Difference here is i now feel like i have no chance of winning her back, i think thats why the last NC was easier cause i had hope i would hear from her again. How do you get through it especially when you know youre not going to see them again? Just feel like im waiting for each day to finish so i hopfully wake up a day later feeling better but waiting never works
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