Weezy1973 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 And Leigh, just a random question - out of all the men that you've felt that incredible chemistry with from date one (and you've said there are a lot), how many have turned into a quality relationship? Have you had a good relationship with a man? Ever?
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 No you don't. There's no way you can know this. You tell yourself this to make yourself feel better, but you certainly don't know it. That being said - if you're happy with good sex and no relationship so be it. But if that's the case, I suspect you won't be on here posting about guys and whether or not they're into you. Or if they text you enough. Or if they bring you soup when you're sick. So if you do post on here anxious about whether or not a guy is into you, we'll know that you actually aren't happy being single and do want a relationship. Only time will tell... I see no reason why I won't find a guy I am actually excited about dating who is into me too and who is compatible. I am attractive enough to have plenty of men who find me as such. So yeah, I think it is less likely I will never find a guy I am really into and who is also head over heels for me. I am social and get out and about so I really can't see me never getting to experience that crazy in love thing some of my friends have gone through - who are not that much more desirable than me, if at all.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I found a fatal flaw in the logic of love... Hello Weezy! I'm just curious about two things: 1) Is your username based on the 70's sitcom called, "The Jeffersons"? and 2) I'd like to know what was the fatal flaw that you found in the logic of love? .
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 And Leigh, just a random question - out of all the men that you've felt that incredible chemistry with from date one (and you've said there are a lot), how many have turned into a quality relationship? Have you had a good relationship with a man? Ever? That doesn't mean I am likely to never find a man I have great chemistry with that is a good match. I have been single for a mere 7 months. I had one good relationship for over 2 years with a guy I felt the spark with. But we were too young to last, I changed too much to be the same person I was at that age and I realised he wasn't what I wanted in a partner. Plus I know people who had incredible chemistry and with whom they lasted with so it isn't that rare, it isn't unreasonable to expect it.
sagamore Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Leigh, you're missing the point. It's not about being pretty or nice enough to attract a good guy. I'm sure you're both of those things. What people are saying is that your requirement of feeling MADLY in love (caps yours) and intense CHEMISTRY (caps also yours) within a very short time of meeting someone may not, in fact, be the best barometer of a relationship that's built to last a lifetime. I don't want to say more, as I feel it will only encourage you to write another wall of text, the contents of which would be better directed toward a therapist than LS. Good luck! 2
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 I am really not worried that I will never find a guy this nice, with whom I also feel incredible chemistry with from the get go. The reason being - I feel the it factor for all types of men, of all backgrounds, walks of life, occupations and all the men looked different. Because I am open to feeling connections and chemistry with a wide array of men, I am sure I will meet another guy like this who I DO feel "it" for. And who feels it for me.
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 (edited) Leigh, you're missing the point. It's not about being pretty or nice enough to attract a good guy. I'm sure you're both of those things. What people are saying is that your requirement of feeling MADLY in love (caps yours) and intense CHEMISTRY (caps also yours) within a very short time of meeting someone may not, in fact, be the best barometer of a relationship that's built to last a lifetime. I don't want to say more, as I feel it will only encourage you to write another wall of text, the contents of which would be better directed toward a therapist than LS. Good luck! right. A woman who wants to be giddy with excitement about dating a guy needs therapy. And you're supposed to wait and see if the people you fall the hardest for and feel the most attracted to ARE in fact, a good partner. You don't assume they will be simply because of great chemistry. I get it. I attract enough potentials for me to go through enough hot chemistry men - for at least one of them to click with me and be compatible. Since I have enough options for me to find it within the next 5 - 10 years. How come plenty of couples were really excited about each other to begin with? It mustn't be that rare of a thing I am looking for... to want to be really into a partner from the get go, as opposed to having to grow attraction. Why does one need therapy because they want to fall madly in love, as opposed to quietly in love with a person who they don't have great chemistry with, and who they grow to love primarily for compatibility with no red hot passion phase, ever? My preference is normal plenty of women want it and get it if they are quality enough women and are able to attract enough men. Edited March 16, 2015 by Leigh 87
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 The current guy I let down - I could have definitely had a comfortable life with him by the sounds of things. He seems like someone I could trust and who would treat me well based on the little I know of him. Yes I would have enjoyed sex with him since I am NOT repulsed by him. But I have lived this before - the men I wasn't really drawn to from the start, were NEVER the men with whom I had passionate sex with.... Where as the men I felt into and couldn't stop thinking about - those men who had that affect on me, I had the most intense sex with later down the track. Intense fire or passion never grew from guys like the one in the OP - I always skipped past he honeymoon period with those men....... I never got to feel all swoon - like when they did nice things for me. It never made my heart race.
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 (edited) I see no reason why I won't find a guy I am actually excited about dating who is into me too and who is compatible. I am attractive enough to have plenty of men who find me as such. So yeah, I think it is less likely I will never find a guy I am really into and who is also head over heels for me. I am social and get out and about so I really can't see me never getting to experience that crazy in love thing some of my friends have gone through - who are not that much more desirable than me, if at all. My fear for you is that when the "right" man does come along, you won't recognize him! You are so focused on feeling that intense high and chemistry and passion right from the getgo, you will reject every guy who doesn't elicit those intense feelings in you on the first date! You may end up rejecting a man you'd be perfect with....a man you could have it ALL with....and you won't even know it...because all you cared about was feeling that intense chemistry and passion on the first date! It's unrealistic and idealistic to feel this way Leigh, and by doing so, you are sabotaging the very thing you say you want -- a great relationship with a great guy who you love, are compatible with, have intense chemistry with, and who loves you and feels intense chemistry with you too! I don't think you understand this though and that's sad...that's why I recommend the book, along with introspection and maybe even some therapy. That's all. Wish you the best... Edited March 16, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 My fear for you is that when the "right" man does come along, you won't recognize him! You are so focused on feeling that intense high and chemistry and passion right from the getgo, you will reject every guy who doesn't elicit those intense feelings in you on the first date! You may end up rejecting a man you'd be perfect with....a man you could have it ALL with....and you won't even know it...because all you cared about was feeling that intense chemistry and passion on the first date! It's unrealistic and idealistic to feel this way Leigh, and by doing so, you are sabotaging the very thing you say you want -- a great relationship with a great guy who you love, are compatible with, have intense chemistry with, and who loves you and feels intense chemistry with you too! I don't think you understand this though and that's sad...that's why I recommend the book, along with introspection and maybe even some therapy. That's all. Wish you the best... I have tried dating men with whom I was not that into right away. It never turned into intense passion at any stage. I don't NEED companionship, I don't NEED a life partner, I never have craved that, and therefore I don't need to date a person because they are " oh so nice" and I saw them as a good potential mate. A guy has to get me excited for me to want to even waste my precious time dating them - why would I want to go on 'dates" with a guy who I only felt "friendship" chemistry with? People who need companionship and who actually want a life partner can go for the nice guys who treat them well and yet whom they feel no strong attraction towards. I have personally tried this - and the attraction never grew really.... I grew attracted enough to have good sex, but it was never GREAT sex, like with the men I was crazy about and really into from the first date. It really is not sad, nor rare, to feel really into a partner from date one.
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 I really really liked the last guy as a person but my urges are to have him as a friend and to become good friends with him - I feel happy and excited thinking about adding a good friend to my life. I have learnt that I just don't feel the need for a life partner. I don't need to have some sort of companion living with me. I don't feel any inclination to have to share my life with someone. I feel like I am the type who is satiated with old friends and animals. I just don't equate a life partner to more happiness for a person such as myself. However, I do have a big heart and I do enjoy passionate sex. So if I can have both - intense chemistry and a guy who falls hard for me - then sure, I would embrace it. What appeals to me is the FEELING - when you meet a person you can fall MADLY in love with - I have no inclination whatsoever to have a companion though, it is just a bonus if a high passion fling turns into a companion. I was single for most of my 20's and I was happier that way to be honest. Although I did enjoy my time with the men with whom I felt strongly for - just meeting them and the days following, I naturally just 'felt" strongly for these men, they lit up my day and they ADDED to my life. The men I feel friend vibes with and who I lack attraction for I want as friends, I simply don't need a person to share my life with - enough for me to want to force myself to date men I am just not into. You are free to date men you are not into in the hope the attraction will grow, but I guarantee it wont ever be as raw or passionate as it was with the men you were infatuated with. And that suits most people just fine. I am not most people. Not everyone needs nor wants a life partner.
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 That doesn't mean I am likely to never find a man I have great chemistry with that is a good match. I have been single for a mere 7 months. I had one good relationship for over 2 years with a guy I felt the spark with. But we were too young to last, I changed too much to be the same person I was at that age and I realised he wasn't what I wanted in a partner. Plus I know people who had incredible chemistry and with whom they lasted with so it isn't that rare, it isn't unreasonable to expect it. You need to stop comparing yourself to your friends and believing that because "they" found the magic key, you too will find it. You are NOT them! And sadly, what you refuse to acknowledge ... is that YOU have issues that are preventing you from finding and having what they have!! Yes my dear...YOU have issues. I mean come on, at this point in your life, isn't it obvious? If not, it should be. Just from reading your posts, it's become very clear to us that you have some serious issues, that are preventing you from finding what you want, and if not addressed, you WILL end up alone. And if you were smart, instead of arguing with us ad nauseum and becoming so defensive, when all we're trying to do is help, you would find yourself a good therapist to help you understand yourself better. But you won't cause you're fine...you have no issues, and all you need is to find that one perfect guy...and you will both live happily ever after. Good luck with that... 3
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I really really liked the last guy as a person but my urges are to have him as a friend and to become good friends with him - I feel happy and excited thinking about adding a good friend to my life. I have learnt that I just don't feel the need for a life partner. I don't need to have some sort of companion living with me. I don't feel any inclination to have to share my life with someone. I feel like I am the type who is satiated with old friends and animals. I just don't equate a life partner to more happiness for a person such as myself. However, I do have a big heart and I do enjoy passionate sex. So if I can have both - intense chemistry and a guy who falls hard for me - then sure, I would embrace it. What appeals to me is the FEELING - when you meet a person you can fall MADLY in love with - I have no inclination whatsoever to have a companion though, it is just a bonus if a high passion fling turns into a companion. I was single for most of my 20's and I was happier that way to be honest. Although I did enjoy my time with the men with whom I felt strongly for - just meeting them and the days following, I naturally just 'felt" strongly for these men, they lit up my day and they ADDED to my life. The men I feel friend vibes with and who I lack attraction for I want as friends, I simply don't need a person to share my life with - enough for me to want to force myself to date men I am just not into. You are free to date men you are not into in the hope the attraction will grow, but I guarantee it wont ever be as raw or passionate as it was with the men you were infatuated with. And that suits most people just fine. I am not most people. Not everyone needs nor wants a life partner. Okay sweets, I'm done here. You just don't "get it" and it's clear you never will, so it's a futile waste of time and energy posting here... Peace out... 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 I see a therapist occasionally. She doesn't think I have a nice guy complex. This guy is the first guy who has ever really treated me like a princess.... I dated guys who adored me but none of them had the mentality of wanting to treat a girl like gold. My therapist can see I don't like jerks and do not go for only unavailable men - it just so happens that the men I was into and felt excited about dating and having sex with - weren't a match. She said solid research shows that 1 in 50, on average, encounters where you both lock eyes across a crowded bar and you both "feel" that attraction and interest - about 1 in 50 of those instances will lead to a long term and compatible partner. Solid research supports that. I easily meet a lot of men just being out and about - I have a unique style in my fashion sense and I love life so I do end to attract at least one man a night with whom I feel that instant and mutual attraction for. So it seems more likely that one of the guys that do it for me, is actually really into me an wants a relationship with me AND ends up being compatible long term. 50 guys is not much to me - given I meet one guy per outing who I feel the mutual and instant click with. Because I am a free spirit and I am open to honestly ALL types of men..... So although I don't see any point or use in having a "partner" in life, I actually do believe one of these days in the coming years, I will find that one of those men I feel mutually intense attraction for - will turn out to be guys like the guy in the OP... nice guys who adore me and are compatible with me. I don't agree with nay sayers who tell me a woman like myself cannot find a relationship that is very passionate and with a person who is crazy about me. Falling madly in love and crazy in love feels wonderful - full of butterflies and you simply feel MORE emotions - you feel STRONGER emotions. Falling in love with a person with whom you're just not that into at first - I have been there and done that - I didn't feel much... I just gradually grew to love them. The sex was never great but it was good. We didn't make out. I never felt excited or.... any strong emotions towards them until well over a year, when I became attached to them. Still, there was no real passion. I really have given a chance to the men who adored me like the guy in the OP did - and I never fell madly in love. I felt quite unmoved. Yes I grew to love them but it was never something that excited me and made me smile like an idiot. The guys I have wanted made me smile all day like an idiot.
Gary S Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I only read the opening post. A soft rejection would be to cut contact. You don't really know him, so you don't know what his attitude will be, he might try to reject you back and rip your head off. The other problem is, he might turn into a stalker. There is only one way to reject someone nicely.... and that's to get them to think it's their own idea, get them to reject you. So tell him you met somebody else and you want to see where it goes.
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 Okay sweets, I'm done here. You just don't "get it" and it's clear you never will, so it's a futile waste of time and energy posting here... Peace out... You don't seem to get it either. I want a spark, not love at first site! To be excited and attracted to a man I meet, rather than feeling meh, not that into them but I will date them again any way. There are loads of men I did feel into and I DID feel excited about dating, and so I don't see why I shouldn't continue giving guys that do it for me a chance.
Gary S Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 It won't let me edit my previous post, I wanted to add this: You don't need a bad boy, and you don't need a nice guy... you just need the guy in the middle - the nice guy who has self-esteem and won't take junk from people. You also need attraction, a little bit of love at first sight. If you would not kiss them the first time you meet, odds are against that relationship. Why bet on a horse that won't run? Don't settle for anything short of true love. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 You need to stop comparing yourself to your friends and believing that because "they" found the magic key, you too will find it. You are NOT them! And sadly, what you refuse to acknowledge ... is that YOU have issues that are preventing you from finding and having what they have!! Yes my dear...YOU have issues. I mean come on, at this point in your life, isn't it obvious? If not, it should be. Just from reading your posts, it's become very clear to us that you have some serious issues, that are preventing you from finding what you want, and if not addressed, you WILL end up alone. And if you were smart, instead of arguing with us ad nauseum and becoming so defensive, when all we're trying to do is help, you would find yourself a good therapist to help you understand yourself better. But you won't cause you're fine...you have no issues, and all you need is to find that one perfect guy...and you will both live happily ever after. Good luck with that... Don't you get it? Not everyone wants a "partner" Not everyone needs to have a "partner" to share their lives with. Ending up "alone" simply because you do not have a "partner" is asinine... you don't have to be lonely or "alone" because you don't want or need a "partner" in order to experience life with... I am an only child and don't see the sense in needing a "partner" just to.... go about life with? And also - I don't have issues simply because I want to date men I am into. It is normal to not want to give the men who fail to give us butterflies - a chance. Some women happen to enjoy going through a honeymoon period. I never said I want love at first site - I said I want a natural attraction and chemistry that is "there" and that makes you want to "make out" with a person... There is no evidence or reason for you to think that I need to branch out and date men I am not that into - I have repeatedly stated that I don't NEED a life companion, I do not need a partner in my life in order for me to be very happy. I highly doubt a cute girl like me will remain single for life, I feel I will definitely find a guy I am excited about dating, as my friends all have.
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 It won't let me edit my previous post, I wanted to add this: You don't need a bad boy, and you don't need a nice guy... you just need the guy in the middle - the nice guy who has self-esteem and won't take junk from people. You also need attraction, a little bit of love at first sight. If you would not kiss them the first time you meet, odds are against that relationship. Why bet on a horse that won't run? Don't settle for anything short of true love. exactly. I don't believe in true love at first site anymore anyway. It is lust at first site. And I need it. I don't want a bad boy at all! no thanks I am an attractive and decent quality person and I have too high self esteem to allow a bad boy to treat me as an "option"... I simply want to have the urge to "make out" with a guy at the end of a first date. Nothing sexual just making out a little. I have tried to fall " in love" with guys with whom I didn't want to "make out with" for a few dates.... And I grew to love them but I NEVER fell " in love" with them.......
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 I tried to kiss this guy but I guess I never felt sparks and I wasn't that into it. Plenty of couples were into making out with one another right away - they had ample attraction so yeah, I doubt I have to settle for less than that since many couples get that degree of chemistry from the start. I did try with this guy and I waited a few days to ensure I just wasn't into him. I didn't have the urge to make out, or be physically close to him. As I said - I don't believe in love at first site, but I do believe in sparks and a natural attraction and "good chemistry"
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Leigh as I said I don't think you should settle for anyone less than a man who totally rocks your world. And if you don't find him, that's okay too! What I am still trying to wrap my brain around is .... why it is you "thought" you were into and felt chemistry with this recent guy on date one, so much so you said it was the best date you've ever had, he has everything you ever wanted in a man, etc....you were SO excited! But then on date two, it was all gone, you suddenly felt no chemistry, and you wanted to "break up" with him. All this within the span of TWO dates! This is NOT normal behavior no matter how many times you want to spin it. PLEASE don't explain it again... you already have a zillion times...and I doubt explaining it again is gonna make any more sense than the first zillion times you tried to explain it previously. I wonder what your therapist would think about that... 2
fitnessfan365 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Katie, The answer is simple. The guy got way too attached and became way too predictable. If he hadn't of given off a "devoted to you" vibe with a woman he barely knew, then she wouldn't have been so turned off. The "spark" is anxiety that develops from someone who is a challenge. This guy obviously wasn't and that's why her initial attraction fizzled.
Art_Critic Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Art... you have to be the coolest poster on here! Maybe we don't agree on something, but believe me when I say that I respect your opinion. Even if I think it is fossilized. Nice de-escalation technique.. works like a charm
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 Katie, The answer is simple. The guy got way too attached and became way too predictable. If he hadn't of given off a "devoted to you" vibe with a woman he barely knew, then she wouldn't have been so turned off. The "spark" is anxiety that develops from someone who is a challenge. This guy obviously wasn't and that's why her initial attraction fizzled. I think it was his stutter and the fact when in daylight, I just didn't feel all that sexually attracted to him. I didn't notice his stutter right away on the first date. I know it is shallow but hey - it is not like I expect an 7/10 8/10 or a 10/10 guy. Yes loosing attraction because of a stutter is shallow - but I clearly realised that I wasn't that sexually into him for other reasons too. I met him at night the first time in a dimply lit venue. I think it is normal to change your mind - I have met men who were realllllly into me, and yet who changed their minds because my personality turned them off because we didn't click.... I thought it was normal to be into a person and then... realise hey, it was an illusion, in the cold light of day I am just not into them - or their personalities have turned me off.
guest569 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 You either want to date someone or you dont. Leigh decided to go with a "no". Less analysis and more action, I say. All it takes for me is to be interested, excited and attracted to someone. I dont know about the "butterflies" or intense chemistry, maybe I've yet to experience those things.. but when i am excited and cant get him off my mind then i know its right. If you're lukewarm about something then dont waste time on it if you dont have to. You've found it before and you will find it again.
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