Author Leigh 87 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 This is really simple. Write him a check for your portion of what he spent on you and then let him know it just isnt going to work. This way he won't feel taken advantage of and it will let him move on quickly. In regards to your Jerks vs. Nice Guys question... For some women they DO have to choose, because they have mental problems that keep them from being attracted to men who treat them well. Think of it as something like when a man has Madonna-Whore Complex. I can't write a check I am breaking it off later today. Maybe I can put it off and break it off tomorrow, and I can get him a gift card at around the value he spent on me? Personally, I am a generous person and I do things for people without expecting them to repay me. I didn't take advantage of him - in fact, as soon as I knew he just didn't do it for me, I am breaking it off. I am not dragging it on a day longer than necessary..... And I am sure I am not one of those poor women who have mental problems and only go for jerks and are repelled by nice guys. I can definitely see me being attracted to a nice guy. I feel for those women but in general, a lot of women simply do not end up with the guy who they had the most intense attraction for. Many women will swear up and down that they are experienced and therefore they KNOW that no one really ends up with the guy who they feel the most excitement and sexual passion for.... But I happen to believe you can get the passion and comfort and compatibility but perhaps if I go for a 10/10 on the passion scale, I would be very happy with a 8/10 on the compatibility scale for sure.
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 (edited) Ok... that isn't love... it's infatuation! The last time I got butterflies in the stomach over a woman was age 16. I'm an emotionally healthy adult... I don't live off my feelings. When I met my wife neither one of us had some instant chemistry. Hell... She turned me down the first 3 times I asked her out. Plus... she wanted to dump me the first time I kissed her because she didn't "feel it". We joke about this all the time. Our sex life today pushes the limits of what is physically possible. I've had to take days off to ice my privates... and my physician tells me to slow down. I love my wife more than anything... and it often feels like an addiction. Sure. But plenty of couples also end up with the person they fell for the hardest rather than the people they "weren't that into" at first. Some people get to experience the infatuation stage, others don't. Emotionally healthy adults sometimes end up with people they had fireworks with. Some people don't have a strong enough desire to date if they feel something is "off" on the first kiss. Not everyone wants a partner badly enough to over look that. You shouldn't discount people who prefer intense chemistry and who prefer to hold out for those people who they feel very strongly about to begin with. You say you're not governed by your emotions- great, I am glad it worked out for you. However, it is normal and healthy for people to opt to date those who most ignite their emotions. Put simply: I only date the guys who I make me "feel" the highest degree of emotions in the early stages 0 the people who make you just "feel" strong feelings, due to chemistry. I have witness that type of love flourish and it is so nice when couples fall crazy in love as opposed to a slow burn, "white flame" love. Each to their own, your method isn't the ideal way for everyone to go about love or marriage. Edited March 15, 2015 by Leigh 87
Auspecial Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Don't write him a check! I think that could be perceived as condescension, IMO. Be grateful for the gift and leave it at that. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 This is a perfect example of how a woman's practical romantic side and her subconscious true desires are in complete conflict. On the surface you can't understand why a "nice guy" that would buy you flowers and be so seemingly devoted to you, wouldn't turn you on. However, it is because he is such a "nice" guy that's way too predictable and clingy to get attached to a woman he barely knows, that has your subconscious running for the hills. I mean deep down you know that any guy who would come on so strong after one week lacks the strong masculine core that you truly desire. You want a guy that's a bit of a challenge, that will keep you on your toes with playful, masculine, dominant behavior. Tell me I'm wrong..
guest569 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Only a few dates? So a simple sorry, i dont feel a romantic connection. Enjoyed spending time with you. .??
somedude81 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I would much rather remain single for life and have short lived and passionate flings from men I truly desire than settle for a lifetime with a really nice guy who WANTS to be with me yet who I lack the passion with. Honestly, that sounds pretty sad. It kind of reminds me of a drug addict. You're just searching for the next high. At some point you're not going to be able to enter into those passionate flings, once that happens, what will you have? 2
fitnessfan365 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Honestly, that sounds pretty sad. It kind of reminds me of a drug addict. You're just searching for the next high. At some point you're not going to be able to enter into those passionate flings, once that happens, what will you have? There's nothing wrong with wanting someone you can be in lust and in love with. Having a settling mentality and no standards is not a good way to live man. Don't blame her for being true to what she wants. It's good that she only let it go for two dates. 1
SawtoothMars Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I can't write a check I am breaking it off later today. Maybe I can put it off and break it off tomorrow, and I can get him a gift card at around the value he spent on me? Personally, I am a generous person and I do things for people without expecting them to repay me. I didn't take advantage of him - in fact, as soon as I knew he just didn't do it for me, I am breaking it off. I am not dragging it on a day longer than necessary..... And I am sure I am not one of those poor women who have mental problems and only go for jerks and are repelled by nice guys. I can definitely see me being attracted to a nice guy. I feel for those women but in general, a lot of women simply do not end up with the guy who they had the most intense attraction for. Many women will swear up and down that they are experienced and therefore they KNOW that no one really ends up with the guy who they feel the most excitement and sexual passion for.... But I happen to believe you can get the passion and comfort and compatibility but perhaps if I go for a 10/10 on the passion scale, I would be very happy with a 8/10 on the compatibility scale for sure. Yeah... go with that gift card idea. It doesn't have to be an exact amount. It's just to show him that you were actually giving him a shot and not just taking advantage of him. I can't say for sure what is going on with you. I think guys who are "nice" and also project the manliness that turns women on are rare and in very high demand. However, good luck in your search! Sure. But plenty of couples also end up with the person they fell for the hardest rather than the people they "weren't that into" at first. Some people get to experience the infatuation stage, others don't. Emotionally healthy adults sometimes end up with people they had fireworks with. Some people don't have a strong enough desire to date if they feel something is "off" on the first kiss. Not everyone wants a partner badly enough to over look that. You shouldn't discount people who prefer intense chemistry and who prefer to hold out for those people who they feel very strongly about to begin with. You say you're not governed by your emotions- great, I am glad it worked out for you. However, it is normal and healthy for people to opt to date those who most ignite their emotions. Put simply: I only date the guys who I make me "feel" the highest degree of emotions in the early stages 0 the people who make you just "feel" strong feelings, due to chemistry. I have witness that type of love flourish and it is so nice when couples fall crazy in love as opposed to a slow burn, "white flame" love. Each to their own, your method isn't the ideal way for everyone to go about love or marriage. What most people refer to as "fireworks" is just a type of anxiety. I grew out of that. I think most people are supposed to not feel that anymore by the time their brain is fully developed around age 22. I think if you are over that age and still feeling that... you have a problem. Your idea of love is cut and pasted from a Hollywood script. Life doesn't work like that. Love is a choice. Stop reading romance novels. Mature intelligent people all agree with me. Heck... Shakespeare wrote entire plays based on the stupidity of people who mix up infatuation with true love. This isn't really a situation where everybody does it their own way and finds happiness. Those anxiety feelings fade rather quickly... and then what? You just based your entire relationship around chemistry that is ephemeral. I have seen this work for a few years... but eventually most crash and burn. 3
guest569 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Yeah... go with that gift card idea. It doesn't have to be an exact amount. It's just to show him that you were actually giving him a shot and not just taking advantage of him. lol I'm not sure if you people are joking.. you're going to pay him back for the dates? I mean, he chose to spend money on you. It doesn't mean you are obliged to marry the guy. People are so tight haha. 1
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 Yeah... go with that gift card idea. It doesn't have to be an exact amount. It's just to show him that you were actually giving him a shot and not just taking advantage of him. I can't say for sure what is going on with you. I think guys who are "nice" and also project the manliness that turns women on are rare and in very high demand. However, good luck in your search! What most people refer to as "fireworks" is just a type of anxiety. I grew out of that. I think most people are supposed to not feel that anymore by the time their brain is fully developed around age 22. I think if you are over that age and still feeling that... you have a problem. Your idea of love is cut and pasted from a Hollywood script. Life doesn't work like that. Love is a choice. Stop reading romance novels. Mature intelligent people all agree with me. Heck... Shakespeare wrote entire plays based on the stupidity of people who mix up infatuation with true love. This isn't really a situation where everybody does it their own way and finds happiness. Those anxiety feelings fade rather quickly... and then what? You just based your entire relationship around chemistry that is ephemeral. I have seen this work for a few years... but eventually most crash and burn. Hold on. I never said that infatuation lasts. It is brief by definition. I am saying; I prefer to go through the infatuation phase to BEGIN with. To kick a relationship off. It isn't a thing of the movies - how come I know two or three couples who are dating for years and whom both felt the instant chemistry and connection? How about the couples I know who were just really into each other from the start, and where the kissing felt so right from the first kiss? It isn't rare enough to be a thing of Hollywood scrips. Some people really don't need to warm up to their partners, take a few weeks to feel "into them", or to settle for less than hot and passionate sex. LONG TERM - yes you need optimal compatibility. But there is still nothing wrong with wanting a HIGH degree of NATURAL chemistry.
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 Honestly, that sounds pretty sad. It kind of reminds me of a drug addict. You're just searching for the next high. At some point you're not going to be able to enter into those passionate flings, once that happens, what will you have? I dated a guy for two years who I started out with fireworks and passion for from moment one. I do realise that the high ends, early infatuation ends, but it is very reasonable to want to go through the strong honeymoon phase to begin with! I do realise infatuation, the honeymoon phase and the feeling of meeting a person and just being really " into each other" and "smitten" and "head over heels" doesn't last forever and it is NOT constant - but I do need my relationships to start with a bang. I cannot honestly fall IN love with a guy who doesn't ignite STRONG passion and emotions within me. I need more than just a long term companion - I need passion and the fire for them. Chemistry. I have plenty of good male friends who would love to date me because I am a nice person and they are attracted and made it known to begin with. ^^ if I wanted to settle down I could but I choose to wait for a partner with whom I can enjoy a passionate sex life with. Or else, yes, I would rather be single and have great sex with people who don't last VERSUS having to settle down with a person who actually wants me and have mediocre sex. I may as well wait until later in life to settle down with a "nice guy", and keep searching in the meanwhile for not only a 'nice guy' but a guy who really does it for me and gets my motor running. I am 27 and don't care for children so I have all the time in the world to wait for the passion and compatibility. If I don't ever find it sure, I may settle into a compassionate based relationship that misses the honeymoon phase of wanting to rip each others clothes off.
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 There's nothing wrong with wanting someone you can be in lust and in love with. Having a settling mentality and no standards is not a good way to live man. Don't blame her for being true to what she wants. It's good that she only let it go for two dates. I realise that if I want to make a go of holding out for that instant click where you are quite intrigued by one another from the first glance - then I cannot be fussy with things like looks or their paycheck. If I want fireworks and intense passion - and with a man who actually WANTS me and is INTO me - I obviously cannot go for the hot guys with great jobs, who can date the 20 year olds with great personalities over me. I would if I were them and I had those options! So I opened myself up to feeling the it factor with ALL kinds of men - and low and behold, the special "connection" and instant "click" I felt was NEVER for "hot" men. I slept with a few hot men but didn't feel the click. So luckily for me, the men I have fallen the hardest for have not been the best looking men, I don't go on looks and rather, I go for that special "spark". I realised that the hottest men I hooked up with just didn't ignite a spark or a deep sense of longing to be with them... Connection and truly intense chemistry, I have discovered, is nothing to do with how fit or hot a guy is by societies standards at all...... I naturally have a nice figure without working out and I have a straight smile and a body type a lot of men fancy and so I feel it is very realistic for me to hold out for that spark... that "thing", that right "chemistry" that is intense and makes me REALLY desire a man. Basically... I want to be EXCITED about my dates. I want to get all "happy" when they text. I WANT to wonder and get a little anxious about how into me they really are initially because I CARE - because I am REALLY into them and WANT them to be really into me. I want the butterflies at first. I want to feel THRILLED to give up my search for the ideal partner! Butterflies guys make me thrilled at he prospect of seeing if this is "it" for me. With men I am not that into sexually or romantically - it feels like a death sentence having to give up the search, without at least TRYING to find a man who I feel really into and do feel the intense chemistry and passion for.
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 Yeah... go with that gift card idea. It doesn't have to be an exact amount. It's just to show him that you were actually giving him a shot and not just taking advantage of him. I can't say for sure what is going on with you. I think guys who are "nice" and also project the manliness that turns women on are rare and in very high demand. However, good luck in your search! True. My friend met one. Very manly and nice. Crazy about her from the moment one too. They met at a club and made out instantly because they were to attracted. He wanted to stay single for a year and was anti relationship. She was IN a bad relationship. They just "connected" in a huge way instantly. What most people refer to as "fireworks" is just a type of anxiety. I grew out of that. I think most people are supposed to not feel that anymore by the time their brain is fully developed around age 22. I think if you are over that age and still feeling that... you have a problem Your idea of love is cut and pasted from a Hollywood script. Life doesn't work like that. Love is a choice. Stop reading romance novels. Mature intelligent people all agree with me. Heck... Shakespeare wrote entire plays based on the stupidity of people who mix up infatuation with true love. This isn't really a situation where everybody does it their own way and finds happiness. Those anxiety feelings fade rather quickly... and then what? You just based your entire relationship around chemistry that is ephemeral. I have seen this work for a few years... but eventually most crash and burn. How about the couples I know of who felt instantly into their partners and instantly excited about them and instantly attracted to them? Why is it that hard to believe that two people can just be really into each other from the outset? Plenty of married couples started with fireworks! I have been in a fireworks relationship that lasted years but ended due to incompatibility ! I meet loads of men who I am into and have sparks and sexual fireworks with - it is not so rare that I cannot expect to eventually end up dating one of those men? Who I know for a fact felt mutual fireworks with me (but we weren't compatible beyond the fireworks). We don't have mental problems. I just happen to be able to find men who I feel excited about from day one. Some men don't do it for me and others do. It is chemistry that drives this! You haven't ended up with a wife you felt high degrees of chemistry for and you were not that into her at first and look, it worked out for you so your method served YOU well. Other people happen to meet partners with whom there was sexual fireworks and intense chemistry from the get go. It IS NOT rare. Some people wait others don't wait nor to they need intense chemistry.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 It depends on what you are looking for. Many people get to the stage where they don't want to be alone anymore so they lower the bar on chemistry. Whatever works for them. No matter how you slice it, to me that's always gonna be settling. There is a difference between growing an attraction for someone that is say at your work place but you never talked much and suddenly you get closer and boom, you are attracted and dating. But actually dating someone, not feeling "it" and actively forcing yourself to keep dating them? Sorry just no I am personally happier single and my bar for a relationship is really high. There has to a spark, major chemistry and many other things.
GemmaUK Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 After just a week you can just call or text to say he's not for you. He is moving way too fast for having known each other a week, he could well be the same way with each new girl he meets. 3
guest569 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 There is a difference between growing an attraction for someone that is say at your work place but you never talked much and suddenly you get closer and boom, you are attracted and dating. But actually dating someone, not feeling "it" and actively forcing yourself to keep dating them? Sorry just no I am personally happier single and my bar for a relationship is really high. There has to a spark, major chemistry and many other things. Yep and it sux to be on the receiving end of that behaviour too. I doubt somedude would force himself to be with someone he wasn't really into? It wouldn't work in the long term. Just ends up breaking hearts and wasting time. 1
MGX Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 (edited) It depends on what you are looking for. Many people get to the stage where they don't want to be alone anymore so they lower the bar on chemistry. Whatever works for them. No matter how you slice it, to me that's always gonna be settling. There is a difference between growing an attraction for someone that is say at your work place but you never talked much and suddenly you get closer and boom, you are attracted and dating. But actually dating someone, not feeling "it" and actively forcing yourself to keep dating them? Sorry just no I am personally happier single and my bar for a relationship is really high. There has to a spark, major chemistry and many other things. Yep and it sux to be on the receiving end of that behaviour too. I doubt somedude would force himself to be with someone he wasn't really into? It wouldn't work in the long term. Just ends up breaking hearts and wasting time. There's nothing wrong with wanting someone you can be in lust and in love with. Having a settling mentality and no standards is not a good way to live man. Don't blame her for being true to what she wants. It's good that she only let it go for two dates. If I couldn't have Kim Kardashian, is "settling" for Scarlett Johansson a bad thing -- if you could see yourself with BOTH women? Kim was my first choice, but Scarlett is good too and might make me forget all about Kim. I'm using extremes of course, but this is where I'm coming from. Edited March 15, 2015 by MGX
lana-banana Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Weren't you just saying a few days ago this was the best first date you'd ever been on, calling him your guy and all that after not even a week? This guy obviously moved way too fast and it's good you recognize things aren't right, but all these page-long posts make you sound really hung up on the entire experience too. You would do well to take a break for a while until you can keep a healthier emotional distance. After one week it's not a relationship and you can just send him a text message. Explain you aren't feeling it and wish him well. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Do not write a cheque or give him a gift card. That is a terrible idea, so please scratch that. I would also wager that he is into the high of something new rather than into you, per se. I don't mean any disrespect, but he barely knows you. It's been a handful of days. I think he - like you - is excited by these so-called fireworks and passion, etc etc. He's feeling that now and you aren't. Just tell him it's not going to work. He will be fine. Most of your threads are about the same things: Your search for that instant chemistry and "fireworks", how you know couples who had that, you refuse to settle, and so on. Are you trying to convince us or yourself? Just some food for thought. 4
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 He took it well. I called him and broke it off. He was totally fine about it - he said of course he was bummed but it was only a week and he would love to be friends, as we live close by and he said having met me and being able to have me in his life as a new friends makes him happier than before he had met me. Yeah. No dramas. The guy was into me but he isn't unbalanced or crazy.. he just thought he met someone he was really into and hoped it may blossom.
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 Do not write a cheque or give him a gift card. That is a terrible idea, so please scratch that. We genuinely feel as though we will become firm friends as we definitely have an emotional connection and enjoy having each other to talk to. I will def shout him a meal or two next time we catch up, to show him that I value his friendship and as a "thank you'' for all the times HE treated me. I would also wager that he is into the high of something new rather than into you, per se. I don't mean any disrespect, but he barely knows you. It's been a handful of days. I think he - like you - is excited by these so-called fireworks and passion, etc etc. He's feeling that now and you aren't. Just tell him it's not going to work. He will be fine. He was definitely into me, per say. He, simply put, hadn't had girls he was all that into prior to me. But he handled it like a normal person. Even though he hadn't met someone he was this excited about before. Most of your threads are about the same things: Your search for that instant chemistry and "fireworks", how you know couples who had that, you refuse to settle, and so on. Are you trying to convince us or yourself? Just some food for thought. I prefer instant sparks rather than a slow burn that isn't as intense. I prefer to FEEL intense emotions and to feel passionate about a partner. Or else I would rather remain single and have passion with short lived flings, as opposed to settling down with someone who didn't light my fire as much in the bedroom. And yes I know couples who were really into each other from day one and who had had the initial spark and fireworks. It is not that rare.
Art_Critic Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I can't write a check I am breaking it off later today. Maybe I can put it off and break it off tomorrow, and I can get him a gift card at around the value he spent on me? Don't you dare write a check or give the guy a gift card... absolutely an insulting thing to do and any guy worth his salt would not accept it either.. Any guy who would accept it is not a man... Dating has nothing to do with paying for your time and having to return money if it doesn't work out.. how utterly ridiculous. 3
Art_Critic Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 he took it well. I called him and broke it off. He was totally fine about it - he said of course he was bummed but it was only a week and he would love to be friends, as we live close by and he said having met me and being able to have me in his life as a new friends makes him happier than before he had met me. Yeah. No dramas. The guy was into me but he isn't unbalanced or crazy.. He just thought he met someone he was really into and hoped it may blossom. ^5...........
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 Weren't you just saying a few days ago this was the best first date you'd ever been on, calling him your guy and all that after not even a week? This guy obviously moved way too fast and it's good you recognize things aren't right, but all these page-long posts make you sound really hung up on the entire experience too. You would do well to take a break for a while until you can keep a healthier emotional distance. After one week it's not a relationship and you can just send him a text message. Explain you aren't feeling it and wish him well. I am only just getting to the stage where I am feeling happy and excited about being single! Up until this point, I have been desperately wanting what my friend has - her and her partner felt an instant connection and were crazy about each other from the start. They had intense chemistry from day one and are still madly in love years later, they are still in the honeymoon phase. They are SUPER compatible it is uncanny. I feel like I am as good as my friend so why shouldn't I find it too? I always preferred dating men I felt the spark for and I never enjoyed dating the guys I lacked passion for, comfort alone just didn't do it for me. So basically, I am come to the end of my phase where I was looking TOO hard to find what my friend has found. This last guy is another example of me WANTING to feel that instant spark and intense chemistry so badly, that I probably willed myself to think it was there when it was not. I did the same thing with my ex ^^ I then had to break his heart ten months later when I had to break up with him because I just wasn't in love. I can see why I was so quick to jump at the first guy who .... I felt I COULD have a connection with. I had been going on a lot of dates, with "hot" guys who said " Leigh you are very attractive but we just aren't compatible". After failed date after failed date (the dates were good, just neither me nor the men involved felt like it could be "it" for us, and worth pursuing), I just got sick of attraction with no true connection. Me and these guys were mutually attracted and had a fun date that lasted hours with each man, but we just didn't feel enough of a romantic spark despite sometimes very strong physical attraction..... I guess when we want something we latch too tightly onto situations that aren't really "it". I don't have an online account and haven't for a few weeks and I do not plan to actively date until I graduate in a few years. I can see myself being happy single now and I am accepting that yes my friend has a one in 1000 relationship, she got lucky, but I would not trade my life for hers as I love being alive in general. I always did prefer being single in my 20's, I was happier than as opposed to when I was in a relationship... I was in the wrong relationships and after years of relationships I forgot how to live alone. I believe I am at a stage now where I will stop dating, I gave it one last shot since the guy was SO nice.... I did feel "into" this guy initially but it was likely because HE was super into ME, and I was craving a really nice guy? And also the situation with my friend - I also want to find my fireworks guy one day...
Author Leigh 87 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 ^5........... I would never have given him a gift card honestly.... I think the guy who asked me to was cheap lol. I am generous with people I don't expect anything back from.. I am not so tight with my money.... But me and the guy live close by... I did feel a connection with him - I feel we will greatly benefit having one another as friends. I can see us actually becoming proper friends lol. He seems like someone who would listen and whom I can trust. Next time we hang out I will deffs insist on shouting him a smoothie or beer, after he was extremely generous with me it does make me want to spoil him a little when we hang out as friends.
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