Breaking It Off

[Leigh 87]

I hate breaking up with guys.

 

I much prefer to be the one who gets dumped. I prefer to get my heart broken rather than breaking a heart:(

 

I would like advice and support as to how I should break things off.

 

It has only been one week and a few dates, we have not been intimate but I tried making out with him - but I just don't feel a strong enough attraction to him sadly. He told his mum about me and he asked if I wanted to accompany him to a friends birthday dinner this weekend, one week after having first met him. His mum met me briefly when we stopped in at his house - he needed to grab some things. His mum liked me so much that she rang the guys brother to tell him about me....

This guy has not acted off or put pressure on me unduly - he was apprehensive about asking me to meet his friends and even broached it with great caution saying " I know it is probably too soon for most people so I totally understand if you are not ready, it is just I cannot help but be really exited about having met you Leigh so I thought I had nothing to loose but ask you anyway"

 

He does tell me that " I am the best thing that has happened to him in a long while" and he has " never felt this excited about other girls he has dated" and also he has also stated that " I am so into you it isn't even funny". Now, if I felt the same way, I would be delighted albeit I would still slow things down and not jump into meeting his friends and I would not agree to an insta relationship but I would still like the sentiment.

 

He bought me flowers on the second date - and he drove to my college just to see me for 30 mins or so... The next date, I was having a bad day at college and so he bought me a present.... My favourite necklace that had broken, he went to the same store to buy me another one. Plus chocolates. He treats me to every dinner and outing out - he is so generous which is what I really need and want in a guy, I DO insist on shouting every third meal or so I DO show that I appreciate generosity, but I also prefer to date men who enjoy treating a woman. I don't feel attracted to men who expect to go halves. Just not my thing based on my up bringing.

 

^^ as you can see, he is everything I want in a guy. My love language is gifting, I also just love to spoil guys with inexpensive but creative gifts, with an expansive watch thrown in the mix once or twice a year. Physical touch is another preferred love language of mine - which he also provides.

 

Unfortunately, I do not feel intensely attracted to him the way I felt for other men with whom I had a spark for. I felt lacklustre about my ex of ten months too - and I never had a honeymoon phase with him at all. It was straight to the comfort phase - where yes I knew I had a solid and stable partner who only had eyes for me. The thing is, I am not in a position in life where I WANT to settle down badly enough to accept a romance which precludes the honeymoon phase, in favour of immense comfort, support and a solid and stable partner. I enjoy being single and would simply rather be single than settle for a "nice guy" with whom I was never "excited" about dating in the first place.

 

He does have a stutter which I think is adorable, but I am not "into him" on a romantic level, enough, to overlook the stuttering.

 

I would like to think that women don't have to choose between the "really nice guy" who buys them flowers, gets them cute presents when they are having a bad day VERSUS - the jerk who excites them and they are intensely attracted to and yet who isn't that into them, or who blows hot and cold. I do believe there is a NICE guy who is actually really into me, who excites me, gives me butterflies and with whom I feel a "spark" and the it factor upon first meeting them or soon after - that "something about them" that draws me to them and makes me EXCITED when I receive their texts!

 

How do I best go about breaking things off in a few hours?

 

I am not going to say that I am just not sexually into him enough, and that is stutter is not something I can overlook, because there is NOTHING wrong with this guys appearance,, or him, in general.... he has a GREAT smile, a nice body and beautiful eyes plus he has a good job and he has friends, hobbies and interests and he is a full and lively man with a lot going for him.

 

I was thinking of saying " I am so behind with college (this is true) and I want to focus on my degree and my new part time job in the field, plus I want to start making time to work out (I don't work out or take care of my health much and badly want to go to the gym daily 3 days a week):

"you did things for me I always wished a guy would do, however, I just know this isn't my time to say "this is it" and settle down. Better I tell you NOW than in months or even years down the track."

 

^^^^^^ is that a diplomatic way to end things? It is all true. I am just NOT going to admit that "but if a guy I felt really into came along I would surely date him". I am into this guy on a personal level... I think very highly of him and love chatting to him and spending time with him! - but there just weren't sparks. There is no honeymoon phase for me, to even be had.

 

And no, I am not going to say that " you is everything I want and you are perfect on paper but I just don't feel it" because if you say that a person is "perfect" and "everything you want" in a partner, they will wonder " well then why don't you want me!"

 

 

Any thoughts or ideas?

 

Breaking it off with such a sweet and kind hearted man feels like kicking a puppy or kitten:sick:

Edited March 15, 2015 by Leigh 87

[Buddhist]

You do quickly, cleanly and leaving no doors open for argument. He will not thank you for sticking around when you weren't really into him. I can't imagine a worse thing to do to someone than pretend to be in a relationship with them when you're not really invested. And while you're taking up his time, he's not meeting the woman who really is into him and giving him false hope.

 

I've always broken it off by just stating....I don't want this relationship anymore and I think we should break up. Men rarely put up a lot of drama anyway, (although I did have 1 drama queen on my hands) mostly they just accept it in silence and withdraw. Don't expect them to want to talk it out, they don't. They just want to be left alone with their thoughts and feelings and have you disappear as soon as possible. It's the exact opposite of what a woman generally wants.

 

There's no point writing walls of text about how great this guy is when you just don't feel it. It's almost like a consolation prize and no-one ever wants that. So get on and just do what you know needs to be done. No-one likes to be rejected, there is no nice way to do it. There are only honest ways to do it. Good luck.

[sagamore]

DO NOT use the wall of text you wrote above. Just say the following:

 

"I'm sorry, but I don't feel a romantic connection with you. You're a great guy, and I don't want to waste your time." Repeat as necessary.

 

And do you really need to do this in person? It's just been one week. Hell, I'd be sending an email or at best, calling him. No need to drag it out!

 

Good luck.

[Art_Critic]

It has only been one week and a few dates

 

A few dates and only a week... no need to break up as you are not together..

 

No need for drama either, just inform him that you need to stop seeing each other as you don't see a future with him.

 

Give him some credit as a man first and don't baby him.. just tell it straight up and no long winded drawn out drama

[Peachland]

DO NOT use the wall of text you wrote above. Just say the following:

 

"I'm sorry, but I don't feel a romantic connection with you. You're a great guy, and I don't want to waste your time." Repeat as necessary.

 

 

I agree with the above. Make it short and sweet via email. I did this recently with someone I was seeing and he did respond saying he wanted to be friends but I never responded to the email. No sense dragging it out. Let everyone move on with their lives.

[Leigh 87]

Usually after a few dates it is no skin of anyone's back! I have learnt to shrug it off at least when men I am really into end it early on.

 

Even men I WAS really into who said thanks but no thanks to me early on - I didn't cry or get upset. I would write about it on here if I wanted to better understand what I did wrong, if I felt I could have done something that would turn any guy off....But for the most part, I don't write about the men who reject me on here, and I just shrug it off because I KNOW not to expect anything after the first few dates.

 

The issue in this situation is that this man has not met other girls he was this into. He told me that this is different for him; because the girls he had gone for in the past were quite overweight and not his type, so it was definitely a "first" for him to get to date a girl who he was actually really into for a change. What's more, I am not only the first woman he has had, with whom he was really attracted to at first, but I am also the first girl who actually really appreciated his romantic gesturers of flowers and gifts - the other girls weren't into it.

 

So to him, this isn't the typical " meh, ah well" type of deal. It is a " wow she is the only girl I have been really attracted to and who I am super into in over ten years of dating" type of a deal.

 

I got his hopes up. I feel awful. I did truly think I was into him initially, but once the stuttering kicked in, I realised that I wasn't into him enough to feel OKAY with having to introduce my friends to him with his stutter - as a friend, SURE I would be comfortable, but as a partner no, I wouldn't feel comfortable introducing him to my friends when he stutters.

 

I feel sick with how shallow I am being. My heart just isn't in it, I doubt it is just about the stuttering - because as I have said, the Irish guy I went crazy over was, by most peoples standards, not attractive at all... but to me there was just something "about" him that made his imperfections sexy.

 

The men I have been into - their imperfections only served to make them MORE endearing and attractive to me. With this guy, while I find his stuttering cute, it is something that .. I feel has stopped the attraction from developing - which means it was never really there strongly enough to begin with.

[Leigh 87]

A few dates and only a week... no need to break up as you are not together..

 

No need for drama either, just inform him that you need to stop seeing each other as you don't see a future with him.

 

Give him some credit as a man first and don't baby him.. just tell it straight up and no long winded drawn out drama

 

 

Not all men get he girls they find gorgeous and attractive all that often. He is one of them. So I feel awful that I got his hopes up that " yes, he finally got to date a woman that he was really attracted to and excited about for a change".

 

Where as other men I let down were the types who could go out and date hot women with whom they felt "into" so they didn't think it was the end of the world that I had evaded them.

 

I won't make it long winded. I will tell it to him straight, and in a concise and to the point way.

 

I was into him after date one so he got the impression that wow, she is into me too... I change my mind quite rapidly, as one does in the early dating phase.

 

This will be a bit of a 180 since I was into him initially.

 

I feel awful for getting someone's hopes up so much. He really thought I was different from other girls he had previously dated.

 

I agree though - usually after a few dates, I don't expect it to necessarily last; I have had men who seemed crazy about me, suddenly pull the plug or disappear so I don't put ANY stock into the early dating phase.....

[Ruby Slippers]

You make it clear he's very into you, but if you're not into him, it's not mutual and has no future. Be kind, dignified, and unquestioningly clear. You don't have to name his flaws. I'm sure he's aware of them. Just tell him you really enjoy him as a person but don't feel a romantic connection.

[katiegrl]

Leigh I only have a couple of minutes, but are you sure you want to end this? It sounds like you really "care" about this man... ALOT!!

 

Okay so it's not fireworks like the others, which is what you're used to, but where are those guys today??

 

Why not give it a chance for a bit? From everything you have shared with us, he actually sounds like he may be the perfect guy!

 

The gifting, which IS your love language, his thoughtfulness, among other things....you even said he has everything you want in a guy!

 

Is he too nice, is that it? Not enough of a challenge? Lack of fireworks/intense chemistry from the get-go that you're used to experiencing with guys who know how to sweet talk... but never stick around?

 

Call me crazy but you sound scared. Not even sure why I think that....but I do. This guy could be 'it," but because he (it) looks so different from what you're used to...you're not recognizing it.

 

Anywho I know I'm rambling, but the way you are agonizing about this, it sounds like you really care about him, more than you might even realize.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh I only have a couple of minutes, but are you sure you want to end this? It sounds like you really "care" about this man... ALOT!!

 

Okay so it's not fireworks like the others, which is what you're used to, but where are those guys today??

 

I believe I can find the fireworks with a compatible guy. Plenty of people do find both things.

 

I have given non fireworks guys a chance and the fireworks never came. The sex and level of "feelings" we had were never intense. It was like loving a best friend or family member.

 

Why not give it a chance for a bit? From everything you have shared with us, he actually sounds like he may be the perfect guy!

 

I have tried giving a guy I felt this way a chance - after ten months, I never got to experience the honeymoon phase.

 

I never felt intense passion. The sex was never explosive or mind blowing the way it was with the guys I was passionate about.

 

I simply don't feel strong enough feelings for men who I lack intense chemistry and passion for.

 

The "feelings" are not as strong. The way I "feel" is not strong.

 

I never fell "in love" with the man I gave a chance to with whom I felt no fireworks for.

 

The gifting, which IS your love language, his thoughtfulness, among other things....you even said he has everything you want in a guy!

 

Is he too nice, is that it? Not enough of a challenge? Lack of fireworks/intense chemistry from the get-go that you're used to experiencing with guys who know how to sweet talk... but never stick around?

 

I have felt fireworks with nice guys too who just weren't a match. It isn't only suave jerks who cause the intense chemistry.

 

I have been single for six months. I am an attractive girl I am sure I can find a guy who I feel excited about and who also feels the same way back and sticks around.

 

Call me crazy but you sound scared. Not even sure why I think that....but I do. This guy could be 'it," but because he (it) looks so different from what you're used to...you're not recognizing it.

 

But I am indifferent about him. I am not passionate. I don't want to rip his clothes off and that is who I am and what I personally need to get out of dating in the early stages.

 

I don't need a partner or companion the way you might do. I was single for most of my 20's and preferred it to dating the "nice guy" for ten months yet who I lacked passion for.

 

I think girls like me who don't actually feel the need to have a companion, and who are attractive enough, can wait out for the fireworks and sparks with a compatible partner.

 

Anywho I know I'm rambling, but the way you are agonizing about this, it sounds like you really care about him, more than you might even realize.

 

 

Of course I care about him - the way I do a friend. As a person.

 

That doesn't mean I want to wake up to the guy or have him as a life partner.

 

My need for a life partner is low, but I do have a high desire to experience that head over heels, crazy love ONE DAY - which this man would NEVER give me - trust me I have tried dating a "really nice guy who adored me" and yet who I didn't feel "hot" for, and trust me, I never GOT that "head over heels" feeling, I never fell hard, and I never had super strong feelings.

 

It comes down to who you are and what YOU want out of life. Personally, I don't feel that inclination to have to have a "partner" in life. However, I DO/did enjoy falling hard and having butterflies and feeling all giddy with excitement about our first few months of dates....

 

I feel that if I hold out a few years I will find someone who I lust after, who I cannot stop thinking about and whom I am SO excited to be dating.

 

Settling for this guy is not who I am, nor is it what I want or need. I would be way happier single, having passionate flings on the odd occasion and waiting for one of them to be Mr right.

[Leigh 87]

Leigh I only have a couple of minutes, but are you sure you want to end this? It sounds like you really "care" about this man... ALOT!!

 

Okay so it's not fireworks like the others, which is what you're used to, but where are those guys today??

 

Why not give it a chance for a bit? From everything you have shared with us, he actually sounds like he may be the perfect guy!

 

The gifting, which IS your love language, his thoughtfulness, among other things....you even said he has everything you want in a guy!

 

Is he too nice, is that it? Not enough of a challenge? Lack of fireworks/intense chemistry from the get-go that you're used to experiencing with guys who know how to sweet talk... but never stick around?

 

Call me crazy but you sound scared. Not even sure why I think that....but I do. This guy could be 'it," but because he (it) looks so different from what you're used to...you're not recognizing it.

 

Anywho I know I'm rambling, but the way you are agonizing about this, it sounds like you really care about him, more than you might even realize.

 

 

By the way I know three couples off the top off my head who had fireworks, and were super attracted to one another at first site.

 

The girls were really giddy with excitement about the first dates.

 

The guys were thrilled and despite their tough guy exteriors, they couldn't help but gush to their friends " wow, this could really be it, this is something else..."

 

These couples - both people were crazy about one another from the get go. They didn't need to date others. They "knew" they had a connection and fell crazy in love - as opposed to the slow burn and "white flame love" whereby the man doesn't exactly fall hard or fast, but they slowly grow into a stable and lasting love all the same, but sans the intense passion.

 

SO yeah, plenty of people do end up and prefer dating men with wom they are actually excited about.

 

Not everyone has to grow to love a guy slowly and without the sparks and excitement, just because he is such a nice guy.

[katiegrl]

Okay hon that's fine. If you're sure he's not the one, then I agree end it.

 

I just wasn't 100% convinced (before your last post) that you weren't that into him

 

But now I am ..

 

Just be honest which I am sure you will be...

 

Good luck.

[Auspecial]

[quote=Leigh 87;6213107

 

The issue in this situation is that this man has not met other girls he was this into. He told me that this is different for him; because the girls he had gone for in the past were quite overweight and not his type, so it was definitely a "first" for him to get to date a girl who he was actually really into for a change. What's more, I am not only the first woman he has had, with whom he was really attracted to at first, but I am also the first girl who actually really appreciated his romantic gesturers of flowers and gifts - the other girls weren't into it.

 

So to him, this isn't the typical " meh, ah well" type of deal. It is a " wow she is the only girl I have been really attracted to and who I am super into in over ten years of dating" type of a deal.

 

OK, so then you are supposed to sacrifice yourself because he is really into you? How exactly did you end up owing him something because he likes you a whole lot?

 

 

I think you are beating yourself up way too much over your decision that you have found a flaw that decreases the attraction to a point that you don't want to move forward. Its not good or bad, its just plain honesty.

 

 

You can tell him what some others have suggested, and also add that you were bowled over by his affection, but it is not going to work.. In your own words. Then perhaps you have given him what you feel you owe: an appreciation for his thoughtful gestures.

[Leigh 87]

You make it clear he's very into you, but if you're not into him, it's not mutual and has no future. Be kind, dignified, and unquestioningly clear. You don't have to name his flaws. I'm sure he's aware of them. Just tell him you really enjoy him as a person but don't feel a romantic connection.

 

 

 

I would much rather remain single for life and have short lived and passionate flings from men I truly desire than settle for a lifetime with a really nice guy who WANTS to be with me yet who I lack the passion with.

 

It would be nice if a man I actually feel exited about wants to date me long term, as I have done the live in girlfriend thing before and I enjoyed it and would like it to happen again someday - but if it doesn't happen for me that is fine, I still look forward to building an action filled, altruistic and exciting life alone, with friends and no partner in site.

 

I am more after the falling crazy in love feeling. It is so intense and you feel such strong emotions.

 

The actual needing a partner in life part - I don't need. But it would be a bonus if I could fall crazy in love with a guy who feels the same way and with whom it lasts long term with.

 

So yeah. Love for me will be a great bonus but certainly not something I need.

[Leigh 87]

Okay hon that's fine. If you're sure he's not the one, then I agree end it.

 

I just wasn't 100% convinced (before your last post) that you weren't that into him

 

But now I am ..

 

Just be honest which I am sure you will be...

 

Good luck.

 

 

I am into him as a person. Like... I would feel happy and excited to have him in my life. As a friend. And a good friend long term.

 

I thought I was into him initially.

 

But the second date I knew I was just swept away by his kindness and the fact yes he has some physical traits I usually fall for in a man.

 

He has big blue eyes and he is slim and has a nice body shape and size. And a nice smile - funnily enough, the Irish guy I fell hard for last Jan had NON good teeth, he was way too scrawny and he had nothing on this current guy and yet I was WAY more into the Irish guy sexually speaking and in general...I just "was" , it is chemistry, I didn't know a thing about him....

 

If the Irish guy from January had bought me flowers on our second meet I would have ...absolutely buzzed with excitement! I would have just "felt" bigger feelings than what I currently feel for this guy.

[Auspecial]

funnily enough, the Irish guy I fell hard for last Jan had NON good teeth, he was way too scrawny and he had nothing on this current guy and yet I was WAY more into the Irish guy sexually speaking and in general...I just "was" , it is chemistry

 

I hear you. This brings to mind someone I dated 5 years ago. He way "really" skinny, had funny teeth, and some other things that made him not conventionally handsome. But the chemistry was off the chain, and I really did not care what anyone else thought about him.

 

 

Then most recent guy I have recently posted about, we had good chemistry but it couldn't make up for my flaw of not making a large salary. For the record I broke up with him! lol....but I knew that eventually he would move on to someone with a larger bank account, and I didn't want to waste my time, hoping he would want and respect all aspects of me.

 

 

It isn't your fault, you feel how you feel.

[katiegrl]

I am into him as a person. Like... I would feel happy and excited to have him in my life. As a friend. And a good friend long term.

 

I thought I was into him initially.

 

But the second date I knew I was just swept away by his kindness and the fact yes he has some physical traits I usually fall for in a man.

 

He has big blue eyes and he is slim and has a nice body shape and size. And a nice smile - funnily enough, the Irish guy I fell hard for last Jan had NON good teeth, he was way too scrawny and he had nothing on this current guy and yet I was WAY more into the Irish guy sexually speaking and in general...I just "was" , it is chemistry, I didn't know a thing about him....

 

If the Irish guy from January had bought me flowers on our second meet I would have ...absolutely buzzed with excitement! I would have just "felt" bigger feelings than what I currently feel for this guy.

 

Okay just curious... since you "were" into him initially, on the first date, but then suddenly on the second date you weren't.... what happened?

 

Was it the stutter? That's fine if that's the case, but didn't he stutter on the first date too?

 

Even the way you talk about him now (big blue eyes, slim, nice body shape, size, nice smile, his generosity, thoughtfulness).... that isn't usually how women describe men they're about to dump! Just sayin...

 

Look I understand about the chemistry.... and of course it's a must! Absolutely!

 

But I am just confused as to how you could "think" you are into him on date one, which I interpret to mean you felt chemistry with him on date one, but then suddenly on date two, it's gone?

 

He's got all the qualities you seek, he's got the looks you go for, he understands your love language, he's thoughtful, generous, and apparently he is quite enthralled with you to boot!

 

But okay if you're just not feeling it...then there's only one thing to do. End it and the sooner the better....

 

Maybe he will agree to be friends... wouldn't count on it but there's always hope.

[Leigh 87]

I hear you. This brings to mind someone I dated 5 years ago. He way "really" skinny, had funny teeth, and some other things that made him not conventionally handsome. But the chemistry was off the chain, and I really did not care what anyone else thought about him.

 

 

Then most recent guy I have recently posted about, we had good chemistry but it couldn't make up for my flaw of not making a large salary. For the record I broke up with him! lol....but I knew that eventually he would move on to someone with a larger bank account, and I didn't want to waste my time, hoping he would want and respect all aspects of me.

 

 

It isn't your fault, you feel how you feel.

 

 

Thank you!

 

I am not awfully shallow and I don't ONLY swoon over guys who are "hot". As I said - the Irish guy was NOT what my friends or family would consider attractive and yet from day one his flaws were sexy to me!

 

Because I was just INTO him in a big way. The way he was, his look and our chemistry was off the charts. We just weren't compatible plus he was leaving the country anyway so we never really go to try...

 

That guy was a D*ck, I mean, I totally understand why some people want to only date within their pay grade but it is NOT something you TELL a woman

 

He was disgusting to be honest, making it known that your line of work just wouldn't do:lmao: You just don't DATE people if you look down on their job or ... on anything in general about them....

 

I guess you did it for him initially until he decided hey, I feel comfortable dating those with certain jobs - he should have quietly bowed out and said you weren't a match and NOT alluded to being uncomfortable about your profession!

 

It seems neither of us WANT perfection or a guy with a certain job or of a certain standard of "looks" deemed fit by societies standards. And I think we will get what we want, since we do NOT have unrealistic standards!

 

When people tell me the chemistry and rush of hormones and excitement are a thing of fairy tales I say, hang on.. I know couples, more than one, who are dating long term - a person who they did feel mutual fireworks with and share an explosive sex life. They ended up with the people they were 'into' initially so it is NOT some major lotto win after all the way people on here make out.

[katiegrl]

Problem is Leigh, the only guys you apparently feel intense chemistry with...are guys you are not compatible with long term...and who don't stick around!

 

I am beginning to think "you" might be commitment phobic! Lol

[Leigh 87]

Okay just curious... since you "were" into him initially, on the first date, but then suddenly on the second date you weren't.... what happened?

 

A friend of mine met a guy who she was crazy about at the beginning. They were both super attracted at first site and had the fireworks. They have ended up together long term; he spoils her, buys her gifts, never asks her to go halves.. an they had that intense chemistry and attraction from day one.

 

They not only adore one another but they have a strong and intense love based on a burning desire for one another AND as best friends.

 

I guess I really want what they have one day. Intense passion and chemistry with a guy who will sweet me off my feet.

 

I don't have too high standards when it comes to looks or their job, I do realise that if I want the fireworks with a nice man who adores me right back - that I will have to compromise.

 

Thankfully, I feel connections and strong chemistry for all types of men and I have never required a hot guy to feel "it" for, and the hottest guys I have had were never the ones to trigger the most excitement within my heart.

 

Long story short; I want what my friend has so I falsely got exited as soon as I thought I had a fighting shot at it. But really, I was just into the fact HE was so into me. And he had physical features I like so I thought yeah sure I am so into him.

 

I was really into the IDEA of him and managing to find the 1 in 100 types of relationship my friend managed to find.. a highly intensely passionate relationship with her best friend.....

 

Was it the stutter? That's fine if that's the case, but didn't he stutter on the first date too?

 

He didn't stutter on date one. I feel like a witch but maybe that is what did it.. and burst the chemistry bubble I was feeling.

 

Yes I know that is super shallow. But Irish guy had funny teeth and had sort of strong facial lines for his age but yeah I didn't care I was totally into him and his faults turned me on more not less.

 

So I have not run from imperfection in the past. It has turned me on MORE and attracted me MORE to those other guys. Not in this guys case, sadly.

 

Even the way you talk about him now (big blue eyes, slim, nice body shape, size, nice smile, his generosity, thoughtfulness).... that isn't usually how women describe men they're about to dump! Just sayin...

 

After the stutter became noticeable I also noticed other things I may not have been attracted to - and yet, on the Irish guy, I tell you he had more flaws than the current guy - and yet I was still WILDLY sexually attracted to him....

 

Look I understand about the chemistry.... and of course it's a must! Absolutely!

 

It is either there at the start for me or it NEVER grows to be intense or passionate. It can grow sure, but never to the extent that it has with those men I was into from the start.... With whom I had NATURAL chemistry with, without having to create or discover it....

 

But I am just confused as to how you could "think" you are into him on date one, which I interpret to mean you felt chemistry with him on date one, but then suddenly on date two, it's gone?

 

He's got all the qualities you seek, he's got the looks you go for, he understands your love language, he's thoughtful, generous, and apparently he is quite enthralled with you to boot!

 

I am unsure of what ruined the chemistry factor. I was into him after the first date so I thought, but for whatever reason I realised my first impression didn't hold true when it came to sexual attraction.

 

But okay if you're just not feeling it...then there's only one thing to do. End it and the sooner the better....

 

Yes the sooner the better, I think I am doing the right thing as opposed to dragging things out!

 

I think telling someone sooner rather than later is admirable and the right thing to do as opposed to stringing them along for comfort and free meals until the person you want comes along:sick: Like SO many low character types seem to do:sick:

 

Maybe he will agree to be friends... wouldn't count on it but there's always hope.

 

I wish he would agree to be friends. I have a feeling he'll keep me on facebook and chat now and again once he is over it.

[Leigh 87]

Problem is Leigh, the only guys you apparently feel intense chemistry with...are guys you are not compatible with long term...and who don't stick around!

 

I am beginning to think "you" might be commitment phobic! Lol

 

 

 

I have only been single for six months so we cannot determine that all the men that I want don't want me back, hence I must be a commitment phobe.

 

Before that - from age 18 - 20 I felt fireworks and the instant zing with a guy I dated for a couple of years and moved in with..... He moved states in order to be with me.

 

I have only been single for six months and I have been into 5 guys. So I don't think we can deduce from a 6 month stint single that I go for unavailable guys.

 

I know for a fact that at least a couple of those guys were available to the right woman - and that they were into me initially, we just so happened to not be compatible....

 

I deff have no trouble committing and I want marriage one day but I don't have the burning desire to settle down yet, to the point where I am willing to go without the intense chemistry and honeymoon phase...

 

Where as later in life if I want a partner I will seek out compatibility and build the chemistry and attraction there after, which I know is never as intense or raw as NATURAL chemistry I have tried it so I would know...

[katiegrl]

No need to be so defensive...I was only trying to lighten things up a bit.

 

Thought it might make you chuckle...I mean given all our heated discussions about commitment phobia and all...

 

Apparently I was wrong.

 

Have a great rest of the night!

 

And let us know what happens with this guy....you're doing the right thing.

[Auspecial]

Thank you!

 

I am not awfully shallow and I don't ONLY swoon over guys who are "hot". As I said - the Irish guy was NOT what my friends or family would consider attractive and yet from day one his flaws were sexy to me!

 

Because I was just INTO him in a big way. The way he was, his look and our chemistry was off the charts. We just weren't compatible plus he was leaving the country anyway so we never really go to try...

 

That guy was a D*ck, I mean, I totally understand why some people want to only date within their pay grade but it is NOT something you TELL a woman

 

He was disgusting to be honest, making it known that your line of work just wouldn't do:lmao: You just don't DATE people if you look down on their job or ... on anything in general about them....

 

I guess you did it for him initially until he decided hey, I feel comfortable dating those with certain jobs - he should have quietly bowed out and said you weren't a match and NOT alluded to being uncomfortable about your profession!

 

It seems neither of us WANT perfection or a guy with a certain job or of a certain standard of "looks" deemed fit by societies standards. And I think we will get what we want, since we do NOT have unrealistic standards!

 

When people tell me the chemistry and rush of hormones and excitement are a thing of fairy tales I say, hang on.. I know couples, more than one, who are dating long term - a person who they did feel mutual fireworks with and share an explosive sex life. They ended up with the people they were 'into' initially so it is NOT some major lotto win after all the way people on here make out.

 

Thanks for saying that, your support. I haven't seen him as a d***, but maybe I should. I am open to the idea that he is one. lol He did have a lot of other positive things going for him, but it is possible that he was deceiving me on some of that, too.

 

Yes, you are right, I have never gone by what the mainstream thinks I should want/think. I think maybe I thought he was strong in that way as well, but he isn't.

 

And I also agree that chemistry, the alchemy of it is always unique and you can't predict it. And I also know many couples still going strong after many years.

[SawtoothMars]

I would like to think that women don't have to choose between the "really nice guy" who buys them flowers, gets them cute presents when they are having a bad day VERSUS - the jerk who excites them and they are intensely attracted to and yet who isn't that into them, or who blows hot and cold. I do believe there is a NICE guy who is actually really into me, who excites me, gives me butterflies and with whom I feel a "spark" and the it factor upon first meeting them or soon after - that "something about them" that draws me to them and makes me EXCITED when I receive their texts!

 

Any thoughts or ideas?

 

This is really simple. Write him a check for your portion of what he spent on you and then let him know it just isnt going to work. This way he won't feel taken advantage of and it will let him move on quickly.

 

In regards to your Jerks vs. Nice Guys question... For some women they DO have to choose, because they have mental problems that keep them from being attracted to men who treat them well. Think of it as something like when a man has Madonna-Whore Complex.

[SawtoothMars]

When people tell me the chemistry and rush of hormones and excitement are a thing of fairy tales I say, hang on.. I know couples, more than one, who are dating long term - a person who they did feel mutual fireworks with and share an explosive sex life. They ended up with the people they were 'into' initially so it is NOT some major lotto win after all the way people on here make out.

 

Ok... that isn't love... it's infatuation!

 

The last time I got butterflies in the stomach over a woman was age 16. I'm an emotionally healthy adult... I don't live off my feelings. When I met my wife neither one of us had some instant chemistry. Hell... She turned me down the first 3 times I asked her out. Plus... she wanted to dump me the first time I kissed her because she didn't "feel it". We joke about this all the time.

 

Our sex life today pushes the limits of what is physically possible. I've had to take days off to ice my privates... and my physician tells me to slow down. I love my wife more than anything... and it often feels like an addiction.