ex bf of 1.3 years is lying to his friends about why we broke up

[Princessm29]

I have another thread on here explaining one part of our recent break up (last week).We were together for a little over a year and I've always had problems with my depression, which he knew about from the start. I'm not a big drinker at all, probably a few drinks a month, so I have a low tolerance. Anyway, the day before our break up we were in Nashville and I felt pressured to drink because my boyfriend wanted to go to the bars to celebrate. I had one too many shots, which ended up in me turning into a mess. I apparently get really angry and my ex-bf had to drag me back to the hotel while i tried to fight him off. Once we got back, we got into a yelling match about God knows what, and apparently I went in the hall and started screaming and threw a picture off the wall. This resulted in hotel security being called up and told us we had to be quiet or else we would be thrown out. To sum this all up, I've had 3 other alcohol psycho attacks like this before since July with my ex-bf. It's because I'm on antidepressants and alcohol mixes with them because this has never happened in the past when I wasn't on my meds.

 

Last week when I was feeling really low after our break up, I was extremely stupid and reached out to his ex bestfriend/ex girlfriend from high school hoping to see how she handled her break up with him, so I could get some advice. I wasn't thinking at the time obviously. Anyway, last night she calls me out of nowhere and says "Hey, did you hear what your ex said about why you broke up?" I obviously didn't, and she is currently dating one his good friends so I let her go on. She claims that he was saying I was a psycho and said he tried to rape me/almost got him arrested when we were in Nashville. This got my so upset that I reached out to my ex saying how hurt I was by the things he was saying behind my back and felt like I didn't even know him anymore. He replied with, "What the hell are you talking about? I didn't f****** say that." and I left it there.

 

Today I texted him asking if we could talk about the whole thing and the conversation. I explained to him that I was stupid and reached out to his ex for advice on our break up and that she was the one who told me. He replied with "That's just next level crazy. Just leave me alone. That's the kind of crap you hear when you're hearing the story from someone that heard the story from me. Ever play the telephone game in grade school? I don't need this s***. I'll just say we fought too much when we broke up." He then said he wasn't cutting all ties with me, but that he didn't want to talk about this/need to talk about this right now and to please give him space.

 

I'm just kind of lost on the whole situation. It doesn't seem like something he would ever say about me, but people are saying it's probably true that he did. I don't know if he is being overly defensive and what to do moving forward. We broke up because we need to focus on ourselves for a while and seems to be in such a dark place because this isn't the guy I fell in love with and knew. How could he be so mean and talk to me like that when we were on fine terms the day after breaking up? If you supposedly love someone, you don't treat or talk to them like that even if you just broke up.

[ExpatInItaly]

First of all, lay off the alcohol. If you have had repeated incidents like the one you described, that should be a huge indication to you that should not be drinking at all. You lose control and behave inappropriately, and disturb the people around you. If I had been staying in this hotel while you were flinging pictures off the wall, I would have actually been afraid of you. You need to get that rage under control, which will never happen if you continue to drink. Sooner or later, you will hurt yourself or somebody else.

 

Second of all, give him the space he has requested from you. Do not contact him or his friends. Moving forward, you begin healing yourself and asking yourself what you did to contribute to these problems and what you can learn from them.

 

Finally, while rumors hurt, there's not much you can do at this point. If people question you about it, set the record straight. It doesn't really matter. You've spoken to him which is all that you do at the moment. Do not make the problem worse by asking yourself or others why he might have said these things. If he did, it's further proof you really need to cut ties. If he didn't, it still doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore.

 

You say he isn't the person you fell in love with. While I don't doubt that, he probably also thinks the same of you. There is a lot of anger and hostility and it sounds quite toxic. You would be wise to follow his lead and take space for yourself so you can start to sort out your own issues too.

[Princessm29]

First of all, lay off the alcohol. If you have had repeated incidents like the one you described, that should be a huge indication to you that should not be drinking at all. You lose control and behave inappropriately, and disturb the people around you. If I had been staying in this hotel while you were flinging pictures off the wall, I would have actually been afraid of you. You need to get that rage under control, which will never happen if you continue to drink. Sooner or later, you will hurt yourself or somebody else.

 

Second of all, give him the space he has requested from you. Do not contact him or his friends. Moving forward, you begin healing yourself and asking yourself what you did to contribute to these problems and what you can learn from them.

 

Finally, while rumors hurt, there's not much you can do at this point. If people question you about it, set the record straight. It doesn't really matter. You've spoken to him which is all that you do at the moment. Do not make the problem worse by asking yourself or others why he might have said these things. If he did, it's further proof you really need to cut ties. If he didn't, it still doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore.

 

You say he isn't the person you fell in love with. While I don't doubt that, he probably also thinks the same of you. There is a lot of anger and hostility and it sounds quite toxic. You would be wise to follow his lead and take space for yourself so you can start to sort out your own issues too.

 

 

See, we broke up after that fight because he said we both have our own problems we need to work on. He has a drinking problem and anger problem, and needs to find a job to start his career since we just graduated. I need to get a job as well and not have him hold me back. We agreed it was for the best for now and he said he had no idea what the future hold for us and we could be together sometime, who knows. He isn't happy with himself and who he is right now, so I don't understand why he would say that about me.

 

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink maybe once a month, so the reason I gy crazy is the meds and the lack of drinking experience.

[Hopeful714]

Sorry to say but if you can't handle the alcohol and continue to drink knowing it can possibly cause you to behave erratic...you indeed DO have a drinking problem. Others who responded agree with this.

 

The uncertainty of your futures could be exasperating this problem but none the less I wouldn't drink or do shots until your life becomes more stable. And if you still can't handle it after that..Don't do it at all unless you are fully certain you can stop after 1,2 drinks. But that typically don't work.

 

The ex is actually doing the right thing by taking this hiatus from your RS until you sort your own lives out. Don't worry bout what he said and just get your own issues under control. What will be will be w him, but you need to get mentally stable and healthy.

 

And....I'm sure know alcohol is a depressant itself.

[Princessm29]

I don't get where you guys are getting the idea that I have a drinking problem. I've always been able to handle my liquor and don't drink to get drunk, EVER. The birthday incident was because I felt pressured to drink because my ex didn't think it would be fun if we didn't. I was able to have a few drinks back in the beginning of college with no problems, but all of a sudden 2-4 drinks has me going crazy because of the interactions with my depression medication 3 years later.

 

My boyfriend is the one with the drinking problem. He can't stop after just one and it's always been an issue with us because he gets drunk 2-3 times a week. So that's why this incident happened in the first place because again, I felt pressured in order to have a good time with him.

 

And to repeat myself, I wasn't looking for advice on anything drinking related. I wanted to know why my ex boyfriend is telling his friends the wrong reason we broke up and that when I found out what he said, he denied it and got defensive/talked to me in a way that no one should if they are or love someone.

[anika99]

You have had 4 alcohol fueled psychotic episodes since July and yet you continue to drink. You know you can't drink with your medication and not only do you drink you don't even try to control how it will affect you by say maybe sipping a drink slowly or spacing your drinks by perhaps having one alcoholic drink and then one non alcoholic drink through out the night so that you don't get drunk. No you just drink and do shots and then have these crazy episodes. Either you have a drinking problem or you are just really too immature to be making your own decisions. Why else would someone continue to do something that they know for a fact is going to have a terrible negative outcome?

 

 

As for your ex, he said he didn't say that so why don't you believe him? If I broke up with someone and then that person started calling my friends or my exes and then calling me to accuse me of saying things I never said I would probably become really cold and angry too. If you guys are supposed to be giving each other space then you are not respecting that by talking to his ex and then interrogating him. In the end you can't really control what he says or doesn't say and if you two have broken up then you can't stop him from telling his friends whatever he wants. That's just the way it goes.

 

 

You both have problems and so it probably is for the best that you two broke up. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and you each need to fix yourselves. I wish you luck.

[girl-in-boots]

I had one too many shots, which ended up in me turning into a mess. I apparently get really angry and my ex-bf had to drag me back to the hotel while i tried to fight him off............ This resulted in hotel security being called up and told us we had to be quiet or else we would be thrown out.

 

Seriously reading through this, how the heck do you know that you didn't cry rape and threaten to get him arrested as you 'apparently' have no recollection of the night so it's hardly outside the realms of possibility.

 

People are mentioning you have a drink problem as you are blatantly ignorant to it. In my life I have drank a little, drank a lot, not drank at all and even the times when I have drank way way too much I still have a recollection of what I did even if it was hazy. So goodness knows how much you had to drink and yes I do know people who have drank on anti-depressants. It didn't turn them into violent drunks.

 

Moving forward - which is what you've asked for advice on you firstly need to stop drinking and stop making up excuses to drink. You need to accept you have no idea what happened that night so yes it could have happened, and you urgently need to take responsibility for your behaviour at the time and afterwards. Nobody contacts their ex partners ex that is just insane.

 

There is a saying that if you want people to write a better story about you then you better behave in a better manner, why should anyone sugar coat anyone else's drunken, violent behaviour???

[d0nnivain]

You do need to work on yourself. Talk to whoever prescribed you the anti depressants & tell them what happened.

 

 

Two things really jumped out at me in your post. First you felt pressured to drink. That is never good. I went out to a bar last night & had two drinks. Then I drank water. Lots of people offered me shots & I said NO. Nobody pressured me. Nobody made fun of me. I danced. I joked around & I woke up clear headed.

 

 

Second you said you did shots. OMG for somebody who doesn't drink you certainly started in the deep end of the pool. If you can't manage to not drink lay of the shots for heavens sake.

 

 

Again last night I didn't want to be drunk & stupid so I drank Malibu rum & pineapple because it has 1/2 the alcohol of regular liquor it's only 36 proof; most booze is 80 proof. I participated in the drinking without over-indulging.

 

 

If you are going to insist on drinking on your meds, which is dumb & dangerous on multiple levels, at the very least educate yourself about what you are consuming. More importantly, have a pint or bottle of water between every drink.

 

 

As for your EX lying about why you broke up, because you have no recollection of what happened due to your overconsumption of alcohol & resulting black out, you very well could have been yelling those things.

 

 

Let it go. Look in the mirror. Do some soul searching & then figure out how you move forward hopefully in a safe, sober manner.

[lana-banana]

It doesn't matter what your tolerance or experience is. If you continue to drink despite having violent alcohol-induced psychotic episodes then yes, you definitely have a drinking problem. This guy should be the least of your concerns right now. Find a substance abuse program that fits your lifestyle and start addressing your issues. You can't be in a healthy relationship until you learn how to take csre of yoursellf.