Rexxy Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 Just wondering if I should be worried that when my girlfriend goes out on a 'GNO' with about 5 other girls to get drunk and party in the city. I don't have complete trust in anyone that get's drunk but I'm wondering if I should talk to her about it and say something like "I don't have a single problem with you going out with the girls but it worries me when you get really drunk" She tried calling twice during the night but I was asleep, also telling me that a lesbian tried hitting on her. I'm only new to a relationship but what would be your advice?
elliecoffee Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I think it's ok for you to worry if something happens to her while partying drunk. Does she really get that wasted you cannot trust anyone around her? or do you just don't like her drinking because you don't like drinking? On the good side, she tried calling you and telling you about her night even before it ended... so just tell her you don't like her drinking but in case she needs anything don't be afraid to call you.
Author Rexxy Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 I think it's ok for you to worry if something happens to her while partying drunk. Does she really get that wasted you cannot trust anyone around her? or do you just don't like her drinking because you don't like drinking? On the good side, she tried calling you and telling you about her night even before it ended... so just tell her you don't like her drinking but in case she needs anything don't be afraid to call you. I have nothing against drinking, I just get this feeling that she might cheat if she drinks too much. She hasn't done anything in the past that makes me think she'll cheat but I've had girlfriends that would go out, get smashed, and make out with other guys. This is the first time since been together thats she gone out without me to get drunk with the girls. I asked her 'how her night was?" and she only replied with "it was good babe"
TunaCat Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 OP, to put it bluntly, who cares if previous girlfriends of yours got smashed and made out with other guys. If you trust her, you need to show her you trust her. Being suspicious because of your past is unfair to her. 5
Author Rexxy Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 OP, to put it bluntly, who cares if previous girlfriends of yours got smashed and made out with other guys. If you trust her, you need to show her you trust her. Being suspicious because of your past is unfair to her. I don't 100% trust her yet, that's why I'm worried. I'll try play it off like nothing happened but it really does concern me. I've been to clubs with her before when she's only had a little bit to drink and she just stares at other guys right in front of me. I had an argument with her about it once because it got to the point where it was too much, we were in the club sitting at one of the tables just messing with each other and 6 times out of 6 when I turned to see if my mates were okay and looked back she was eye ****en the same guy, biting her lips every single time and she didn't even know I was looking back at her until I said something, and it was like she woke up from a day dream. this is when she drank hardly anything, thats why I'm worried.
Leigh 87 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I don't 100% trust her yet, that's why I'm worried. I'll try play it off like nothing happened but it really does concern me. I've been to clubs with her before when she's only had a little bit to drink and she just stares at other guys right in front of me. I had an argument with her about it once because it got to the point where it was too much, we were in the club sitting at one of the tables just messing with each other and 6 times out of 6 when I turned to see if my mates were okay and looked back she was eye ****en the same guy, biting her lips every single time and she didn't even know I was looking back at her until I said something, and it was like she woke up from a day dream. this is when she drank hardly anything, thats why I'm worried. Then don't be a door mat and dump her if she eye *****s other men in front of you. Geez. Get some self respect and remain single, you are so much better than girls like her! Don't date tramps like her who cannot keep totally loyal and respectful to the one guy... It is not that hard to be loyal and dignified. When I date a guy I am really into, I sure don't think about other men! I have had men physically come up to me and try to kiss my in clubs before WHEN I have had a boyfriend! And I did not kiss them back - I pushed them away angrily! This girl is bad news. If she eyes another guy down whilst WITH you, imagine what she gets up to without you. She clearly cannot help herself and is best suited to being single and alone until she learns how to exercise self control and restraint - or else, young girls often don't have the self awareness of even knowing WHAT guys they truly like, they just date anyone who is nice enough to them ,even though the girl isn't that into them.... She just sounds too young for a relationship honestly. Stay with her at your own peril! And be careful - some girls like her will keep a nice sounding guy like you around for comfort and support, while they go around chasing guys.
Author Rexxy Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 Then don't be a door mat and dump her if she eye *****s other men in front of you. Geez. Get some self respect and remain single, you are so much better than girls like her! Don't date tramps like her who cannot keep totally loyal and respectful to the one guy... It is not that hard to be loyal and dignified. When I date a guy I am really into, I sure don't think about other men! I have had men physically come up to me and try to kiss my in clubs before WHEN I have had a boyfriend! And I did not kiss them back - I pushed them away angrily! This girl is bad news. If she eyes another guy down whilst WITH you, imagine what she gets up to without you. She clearly cannot help herself and is best suited to being single and alone until she learns how to exercise self control and restraint - or else, young girls often don't have the self awareness of even knowing WHAT guys they truly like, they just date anyone who is nice enough to them ,even though the girl isn't that into them.... She just sounds too young for a relationship honestly. Stay with her at your own peril! And be careful - some girls like her will keep a nice sounding guy like you around for comfort and support, while they go around chasing guys. Well I don't want to be completely insecure, but she'll also quickly tell me if she thinks a guys hot right to me at the time she is looking at him in public (not clubbing, whilst sober) She'll say something like "wow he's so hot, we should go on a double date with him" not even knowing if that guy has a girlfriend. And as much as I don't show it, it ****en kills me inside. I'm really not sure. I wish she would respect me a lot more when I'm with her. That's why I'm really worried when she goes out drinking
TunaCat Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Okay now that I have more information OP, I have more to say. You don't trust her and you don't feel like she respects you. Now the respect thing is a big deal for me. If I don't feel respected by the person I'm dating, I end the relationship. I am very thankful to be dating a man who respects me completely. You need to end the relationship. You guys are incompatible.
Author Rexxy Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 Okay now that I have more information OP, I have more to say. You don't trust her and you don't feel like she respects you. Now the respect thing is a big deal for me. If I don't feel respected by the person I'm dating, I end the relationship. I am very thankful to be dating a man who respects me completely. You need to end the relationship. You guys are incompatible. It's always easier said than done with replies like that. But unless her respect towards me doesn't change I'll be better off moving on to find someone worth my time. Thanks for the halp.
soyou Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 As a woman I can tell you that what she did was not "normal" or "standard" among the women. And what she did to you was full of disrespect and bull****. I dont know why you accepted that behavior. If i were with somebody I liked or cared, I dont just fart out something like "oh look at that guy, he's hot. Lets do a double date". This is very disrespecful. Similar to men, women will try to test your boubdaries and see how far they could go. If you are able to man up, voice out to them that you dont accept and will not tolerate certain behaviors again, you'll have her respect. If you dont, this is what you get or even worse in the future!
devilish innocent Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I think once a couple is exclusive, it's up to the two of them to set up guidelines about the boundaries in the relationship. Getting drunk in a setting where it would be easy for a one-night stand to happen sounds like a terrible idea to me. I think it's a wise rule if you want to establish that neither of you will have those type of girls/guys nights out. If the girl you're seeing doesn't want to agree to that rule, then you need to decide if it's a deal breaker for you or not. If not, you live with it and hope for the best. I don't know why you don't mention it when she talks about other guys she's attracted. Simply say, "Honey, it makes me really uncomfortable when you point out hot guys and tell me you want to get to know them, even in a double date setting." The worst she can possibly do is try to argue that she's doing nothing wrong. Then you can firmly but calmly state. "Regardless, this is how it makes me feel." If you try to pretend that everything's okay, then you're more likely to reach the point where you can't discuss the issue without getting mad and having it turn into a heated argument. If you can point out that she's hurting your feelings before you get mad, then a decent person will listen to that and not want to keep hurting you. You might think she should already know you're bothered, but for whatever reason, the thought doesn't seem to be her on mind. That's why she might need you to point it out to her.
d0nnivain Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I don't 100% trust her yet, that's why I'm worried. I had an argument with her about it once because it got to the point where it was too much, we were in the club sitting at one of the tables just messing with each other and 6 times out of 6 when I turned to see if my mates were okay and looked back she was eye ****en the same guy, biting her lips every single time and she didn't even know I was looking back at her until I said something, and it was like she woke up from a day dream. this is when she drank hardly anything, thats why I'm worried. Without trust you don't have the foundation for a relationship. You have to find a way to deal with your trust issues, in general. Just because an EX of yours cheated while drunk doesn't mean every GF you have will cheat the minute she consumes alcohol outside of your presence. Until you can accept that fact -- not everybody is a cheater -- you will damage every relationship you ever have. The above is a generalization. Starting from that place of wanting to trust & not punishing every woman you meet for your EX's bad behavior, now you examine your GF's specific behavior. If she's eye humping another guy right in front of you that is a problem. To do that in front of you raises legitimate Qs about how she would behave behind your back. Note however, that you said she wasn't drunk when she was doing this, so it's not the alcohol. Cheaters are gonna cheat, drunk or sober, in a club or at work. Yes, some will blame the booze but that is just an excuse not a cause. There is a huge positive in your story: She tried to call you twice during her night. That is a good thing. Even if she was feeling a little randy after drinking, she was trying to focus that on you. Every GNO is not an excuse for an orgy or a reason to breach trust in a relationship. 1
Author Rexxy Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 I've read all the replies and I've decided to stop basing my current relationship around problems from past ones. I talked to her about her night out and how I disliked her getting really drunk on GNO's because it makes me feel uneasy but I still want her to be able to have a good time with her friends. At first she was angry at me because she was upset that I didn't trust her out and I told her that sometimes I wonder if cheating would be involved on these nights if she drank way too much. She said "well there's no point to a relationship if their is no trust" which I agreed with. That comment made me so much more comfortable coming from her. Eventually we came to the point where she understood where I was coming from and we both forgave each other since I did do a bit of the silent treatment the day after because I was confused. What do you think?
Gary S Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 Women who have integrity and are in love are naturally monogamous. Plus, she's with 4 or 5 other women. However, if she's under 28, all bets are off.... some are not ready for love yet.
Author Rexxy Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 Women who have integrity and are in love are naturally monogamous. Plus, she's with 4 or 5 other women. However, if she's under 28, all bets are off.... some are not ready for love yet. Well we're both 21 so...
Diezel Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 You're 21??? She should be worried about the nights YOU go out, not the other way around. Cheating's gonna happen whether you allow it or not. You should be out enjoying life, not putting restrictions on it.
road Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I've read all the replies and I've decided to stop basing my current relationship around problems from past ones. I talked to her about her night out and how I disliked her getting really drunk on GNO's because it makes me feel uneasy but I still want her to be able to have a good time with her friends. At first she was angry at me because she was upset that I didn't trust her out and I told her that sometimes I wonder if cheating would be involved on these nights if she drank way too much. She said "well there's no point to a relationship if their is no trust" which I agreed with. That comment made me so much more comfortable coming from her. Eventually we came to the point where she understood where I was coming from and we both forgave each other since I did do a bit of the silent treatment the day after because I was confused. What do you think? Bad news she plays the trust card while ignoring all the other drunken GNO's that have caused cheating.
PegNosePete Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 She said "well there's no point to a relationship if their is no trust" which I agreed with. That is true. But trust has to be earned. You would be stupid to blindly trust someone who is displaying untrustworthy behaviour. If you don't trust someone then it is not your failing. It is her failing, for behaving in a manner that does not inspire trust. What has she done to earn your trust? 2
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 That is true. But trust has to be earned. You would be stupid to blindly trust someone who is displaying untrustworthy behaviour. If you don't trust someone then it is not your failing. It is her failing, for behaving in a manner that does not inspire trust. What has she done to earn your trust? ^^This! Hell, she's eye***en other guys in front of you...telling you how hot other guys are, etc ......and she has the nerve to say "there is no point in a relationship if there's no trust"? Implying your lack of trust is your problem, and if you don't fix it, there is no point in continuing on? You should have replied "You are right...I don't trust you. Trust is earned. And you haven't earned it. Every time you eye**** other guys right in front of my face, tell me how hot you think other guys are..... you are acually inhibiting my ability to trust you. How would YOU feel if I behaved that way? Would YOU trust ME"? Then listen for her response.... how she responds should tell you everything you need to know....before making the decision to stay or go. And I have to tell you, if I caught my boyfriend eye****en another girl while we were out together, I would have gotten up and walked out! I would NEVER tolerate that crap...totally disrespectful!
PegNosePete Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 How would YOU feel if I behaved that way? Would YOU trust ME"? I wouldn't ask her this. In many cases the "reverse the situation" question is better left as a thought experiment than actually asking your partner out loud. She will simply say "yes". How do you respond to that? The wind will be totally taken out of your sails.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 OP, your GF calling other guys hot in front of you is something that my EX-GF did. Turned out she was a huge slut who slept with tons of other dudes, and I never took the warning signs for a really long time even though it killed me inside. Eventually had a really terrible breakup. Everything you've said is a red-flag so far.. Normally I'd say you should trust your GF to go out with friends and get drunk, but if you have all of these other reasons to NOT trust her, then you NEED TO DUMP HER.... You're saving yourself a lot of heartache down the road when she blindsides you.
pteromom Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 It's pretty obvious you guys have very different values when it comes to faithfulness and loyalty. Just because she likes staring at other guys and mentioning they are hot doesn't mean she is a cheater. (It doesn't mean she isn't either.) But it does mean that it will be very difficult for you to accept the way she is and get to a place where you can feel comfortable and intimate and trusting. You are always going to be feeling punched in the gut from her obvious attractions to other men. You need to talk to her. Tell her that to you, being in a relationship means that you are focused on each other. Tell her that you feel uncomfortable when she tells you about how hot other guys are, or when you see her checking out men. See how she responds. If she is a good person, she will say that she will try, because she wants to make you happy, even if she doesn't understand or believes you are just insecure. If she's selfish, she will get angry and defensive and ignore your feelings.
katiegrl Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I wouldn't ask her this. In many cases the "reverse the situation" question is better left as a thought experiment than actually asking your partner out loud. She will simply say "yes". How do you respond to that? The wind will be totally taken out of your sails. Well that particular question is actually a rhetorical question... . which wouldn't require a response. Only something for her to think about... The only response that is required and acceptable IMO anyway ...is her acknowledgment that such behavior is disrespectful ... and going forward she will put a lid on it, out of respect for you and your relationship.
Raines Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 Rexxy, ask yourself this. Do you think she would think partying is just as fun if she went somewhere and there were absolutely NO other men around?
Raines Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 I know you are touching on "partying" in general. But here is what I found in and article that best sums it up, referring to nightclubs "The entire ecosystem of the nightclub is built on guys trying to get laid and girls lapping up the attention" I feel this is the "primary" purpose of partying. If the opposite sex wasn't anywhere to be found, most people wouldn't find it fun.
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