ilovecatzzz92 Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 (edited) So this is my first post on this forum, forgive me for it being a novel.. anyways, I started talking to this older guy a few months ago (he's 40, I'm 22). And we had a lot of things in common and I never got any bad vibes from him. About a month if him asking me out on dates and me ignoring his requests because I was shy, I finally said what the hell, he keeps telling me he's a nice guy and he'll treat me right, so I should go for it! And I did... the first 2 months were great. I was sure he was the one for me. He'd always talk about our future, he showed me off to his family and friends... I was finally being treated like I deserved.. well, late January he started showing his true side after his commission job got slower. I gave him support he needed, helped him with what I could, and let him know I was there for him. He's had a slight gambling problem, but it was never a problem with me until I sat with him in a bar while he gambled away $2k in the span of 9 hours. Fast forward a few weeks, now his gambling debt is up to $10k, he has to sell his smart tv and xbox one to pay bills... His depression got worse, I still loved him with all my heart a few weeks go by again, he hasn't gambled, our relationship was getting stronger (so I thought) I kept thinking these last 4 months were great given the situation he was in... and then a couple of nights ago, I get a notification from facebook, he's removed our anniversary date from his profile. I look on mine and it no longer says his name. I text him and ask him what it was all about and he told me that he didn't know what I was talking about he never changed anything, he'll fix it tomorrow. So we said good night. A couple hours later, I couldn't fall asleep so I guess his facebook password and bam, I guess it right. I look at his messages and I read the last conversation between him and another woman from his hometown saying "How are you still single?" "I keep thinking about how awesome you are" "We should talk more so I can gather the courage to ask you out on a date when I visit" "I'm still looking for 'the one'" I immediately grab all the things he's given me in a bag and go to his house at 5 am and confront him and get my belongings. At first he denied it. After I left,, he texted me saying a bunch of things like I'm immature, how I lost someone who loved me because of my trust issues, he was talking to her as a friend, how he trusted me and I should have trusted him, how he's fine with me leaving because he doesn't need someone who doesn't trust him, etc. I treated him like a king, back massages every night, I helped keep his house clean, I was faithful.. everything. I'm crushed. not to mention he always said he was spoiled by me, he loved me, always called me beautiful, how he loved me and didn't wanna lose me, I was the only girl for him, that we wasn't going anywhere... so..what does it mean when someone blames those kinds of things on you, insecure? I just want answers :/ Edited March 14, 2015 by ilovecatzzz92 more details
spiderowl Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I think you did the smart thing and got out. His gambling problem would have come back to hit you even if he was telling you the truth about the other woman. If he removed any status links with you on Facebook, that suggests he was trying to hide it from someone else though. He's going to grumble that it's your fault, but it sounds like you are wise to me. 2
stillafool Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 Go back to dating guys your own age. Why waste your youth on a middle aged person at this point in your life? 2
Author ilovecatzzz92 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Posted March 14, 2015 He claimed that he could treat me better than any man my age and that I should try dating an older guy. I guess that was my first red flag 1
spiderowl Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 Some things I've learned about people in general: People are more or less impulsive People are more or less empathic This guy sounds impulsive. At some point that is likely to cause problems. It's already causing problems with gambling and (maybe) chatting up other women. If he can't control important parts of himself, then are you just going to end up picking up the pieces? Empathy, well it speaks for itself. I look for this quality and see if I can detect signs of it. If not, I steer well clear! 2
Satu Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 No matter how he looks on the outside if he has a gambling problem there other deeper problems beneath the gambling. The gambling is a dysfunctional attempt to forget what lies beneath it. You do need to know what those deeper problems are, all you need to know is that he is a deeply troubled person who doesn't really know himself. Turn your face away and leave to solve or not solve his problems. Turn your face away. Do not try to help him. Help yourself, instead. 2
Author ilovecatzzz92 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Posted March 14, 2015 (edited) I'm just really confused as to why someone would brag about seeing a future with a woman, and then make plans to cheat on said woman, and lie about it when said woman confronted him.. also, very important detail. A couple weeks before the break up, I've found viagra with 4 pills missing hidden in his arm rest compartment in his car. Confronted him about that and he said he was using it as currency for his friend doing his car work. That weekend, I found a separate pack with only one missing hidden in his night stand while I was cleaning his room. Moved it around, and the next day, it was gone. He claimed I was always with him and if I wasn't, I knew where he was. our sex life was basically non existent due to his ED/health/depression issues. he did have a gay app on his phone, liked going to gay bars, and had a bunch of gay friends also. Edited March 14, 2015 by ilovecatzzz92 typos
Satu Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 (Sorry about the garbled text in my last post - smartphone!)
stillafool Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I'm just really confused as to why someone would brag about seeing a future with a woman, and then make plans to cheat on said woman, and lie about it when said woman confronted him.. also, very important detail. A couple weeks before the break up, I've found viagra with 4 pills missing hidden in his arm rest compartment in his car. Confronted him about that and he said he was using it as currency for his friend doing his car work. That weekend, I found a separate pack with only one missing hidden in his night stand while I was cleaning his room. Moved it around, and the next day, it was gone. He claimed I was always with him and if I wasn't, I knew where he was. our sex life was basically non existent due to his ED/health/depression issues. he did have a gay app on his phone, liked going to gay bars, and had a bunch of gay friends also. He probably says this to every girl he finds attractive. This guy is a player, has gambling problems and has ED problems. What do you see in him again that is worth wasting your youth on? He's definitely cheating on you. 5
spiderowl Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 If he is addicted to gambling, I suspect you have only seen the tip of the iceberg regarding his money problems. He seems to be behaving in a chaotic way. I feel people do this when they are in a mess or trying to cover up a mess. You could meet a nice guy near your own age who has a bit more sense than this guy. You sound sharp enough to realise that something was amiss there. It is easy to get a little blinded by love. We've all been there! 2
Author ilovecatzzz92 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Posted March 14, 2015 Oh no, I've blocked his number and facebook... I don't do put up with cheating. its his loss really. Just pinning it all on his insecurities. he's cheated before in other relationships "Once a cheater, always a cheater" I guess. the day before I broke up with him he told me he had an addiction to asian massage therapists when he was financially able.... different one everytime. Didn't wanna tell me the number, but he said around 40. Mixed with the other 20 something women he's been sexual with. he did say one night that men cheating is different than women cheating. its always the ones claiming to be the nice ones that screw you royally. 2
Satu Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 *I'm just really confused as to why someone would brag about seeing a future with a woman, and then make plans to cheat on said woman, and lie about it when said woman confronted him.. *also, very important detail. A couple weeks before the break up, I've found viagra with 4 pills missing hidden in his arm rest compartment in his car. Confronted him about that and he said he was using it as currency for his friend doing his car work. That weekend, I found a separate pack with only one missing hidden in his night stand while I was cleaning his room. Moved it around, and the next day, it was gone. **He claimed I was always with him and if I wasn't, I knew where he was. ***our sex life was basically non existent due to his ED/health/depression issues. he did have a gay app on his phone, liked going to gay bars, and had a bunch of gay friends also. *All active addicts and people with active addictive behaviours tell lies on a daily basis. **Thats Gaslighting, which is a very bad thing. ***He's very dysfunctional in the area of sex and relationships. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that he's broken in that area. Avoid him like the plague. No contact. 1
Author ilovecatzzz92 Posted March 14, 2015 Author Posted March 14, 2015 & not to mention he didn't want me to go to massage therapy school because he didn't know how he'd feel if I rubbed up on other men for a living ... lol 1
Satu Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I honestly am impressed by the way you are dealing with this. You're definitely going to come through this in one piece.
spiderowl Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 & not to mention he didn't want me to go to massage therapy school because he didn't know how he'd feel if I rubbed up on other men for a living ... lol He's gay? Why else would a straight guy have an app like that on his phone? It could have been automatically downloaded, I suppose, but I'm sure most straight guys would remove it as it would be taking up space.
Author ilovecatzzz92 Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 The first couple of days I was really emotional but today, not as much.. the more I think about everything, the happier I am that I got out before my feelings got stronger. I think he's bi, but more on the gay side than the straight side, he was just in denial. His mom even asked him if he was gay one morning and he ended up getting mad and calling her a c***.. I was blinded by love, oh well. Lessons learned! 2
sabd Posted March 16, 2015 Posted March 16, 2015 I was blinded by love, oh well. Lessons learned! I'm so glad you've realised this. Gosh, this guy has a ridiculous amount of red flags! 1. Fast forwarding you in the relationship 2. Gambling problem 3. Hiding another woman from you 4. Blaming you for lack of trust when he's the one cheating 5. Sexually dysfunctional I'm sure there's more, right? This man is just flat out bad news! And age has no bearing on whether or not someone is mature and responsible, which he clearly isn't at 44. You sound far more together than he does. It really does sting, I know. But he's an @sshole and you're so much better off without him. 1
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