How do I handle this? drama/abortion

[piday]

Here is my story, looking for some insight. I'm not sure what to do in this situation.

 

My background is that I have a child with a woman that came from an affair when she was married. ( I don't want to be judged, she led me to believe she loved me and would leave her husband.)

 

 

When she got pregnant, she left her husband but then went back to him. She cut me off completely. He then passed away, and she came back for a bried period, then left again because she fell in love with someone else and cut off all contact outside the child with me. I pay child support, I pay for all child care, and have 50/50 custody.

 

I tried dating other people but she would resurface and give me hope.

 

During the last time period she was dating someone else I began a very casual dating arrangement with a good acquaintance. She ended up getting pregnant.

 

My ex ( mother of my child) has dealt with a lot of depression issues.

I would discuss this with the woman who had gotten pregnant that I was sleeping with. She would point out to me that she was being manipulative by using depression as an excuse to ping pong back and forth between men. I don't now if that is true or not. I am in love with the mother of my child for what it's worth.

 

I went to the abortion appt with the woman who was pregnant. I have known her casually for a few years, and she has always been laid back and pretty cool about things.

 

Now, this woman would sometimes share with me that she has struggled with her own depression issues, always mentioned as an aside.

 

She works full time, has friends, and is a full time single parent herself to a special needs child. Some other things were going on in her life during the pregnancy.

 

My ex broke up with her boyfriend also. We began spending time together again. I often go over on my days without my son to her house to help with things. She has recently put her house on the market so i've been helping renovate. I do these things not only because I love her, but because she struggles with depression like I said.

 

Now,The other woman, the one who got pregnant.

 

She asked me to get together after the abortion. I did, and we slept together. It wasn't the same, and I could tell. My ex had been in a minor car accident that day, and I had helped her move a lot of things over to my house to help with the house renovations. I will admit, I was sitting there texting her.

 

The woman who was pregnant seemed somewhat irritated and said " I can see your mind is focused on so and so, I will call a cab and go home."

 

She then asked me to get together to talk about things about a week later. I told her I could only for a minute, as I was on my way to my exes house to help her.

 

She told me not to bother a twelve hour workday and painting was more than enough.

 

She then texted me about a week later and said " can you do something for me" and I said " what's that". she said, ( and I will be honest, my ex was something we discussed a lot, and most people have the same view of her in my life, they think she is bad for me) she said " I'm having a lot of unresolved issues surrounding the abortion. One thing I'm having a hard time with is the fact that I considered someone's feelings...your exes. I need you to tell me something she's done in her life that wasn't completely self serving so that I don't feel guilty for taking her life into consideration with my decision, meaning it would have been a sibling for her child which would be very complicated...amongst other people and my own life, she was someone I considered".

 

I said " she has good days and bad days, just like anyone else. Her therapist has told herself to put herself first, she can't help it right now, she has dealt with a lot of depression"

 

Anyhow. The woman who had gotten pregnant lost it. This was 5 weeks after the abortion.

 

She sent a barrage of text that went on about how every therapist says that, and that unfortunately not everyone can put themselves first. she also went on that that my exes whole persona offends her, the struggling single mother ( my ex does put a lot of things on facebook about being alone and raising a child on her own and how difficult it is, despite my help) and that if she wanted to try working full time shift work in health care, raising a special needs child 24/7 with no help and no child support and doing so while pregnant, sick from pregnancy and getting through christmas and everything else, then her facebook drivel would be much more enlightening. She then went on to say that her whole " I'm depressed but look at me breaking down stigmas" persona also offends her, as to her depression is not going to yoga everyday, dating around and manipulating men, it's being honest to god depressed and having a hard time with it but having to get through every day because " not everyone has the luxury of putting themselves first !!" She rambled on for quite for awhile.

 

Anyhow. she sent me an apology the next day. She said " I think I've lost it. I've officially lost it. I'm sorry I spoke to you that way, and while those things do offend me, I really don't know why I blew up like that"

 

I did not respond.

 

She then apologized about a week later. I said " no need to apologize."

 

She then sent me a long facebook message a couple of weeks later.

 

It went on to explain to she has bi polar, and that she had not realized that the stress in her life and a change in shifts at work had set something off, and that the pregnancy had escalated everything. She also said, even the pregnancy...fwb's aren't typically my thing, and generally I'm more cautious.....I see in hindsight it was mania escalating. She said she was truly sorry that I had encountered her during that time period, as it something she usually manages well, and that blowing up like that led her back to her doctor as obviously things were unstable ( She must, her life isn't that of a crazy person, the long term friends, good career, parent) She then said if I could, I would erase the last four months of my life, due to embarassement, but unfortunately I can't. I would really appreciate if we could have a conversation, as I would like to just tie all this up and move forward."

 

 

I did not reply. She then sent a message the next day that said " well, now add this to my embarassement, and apparently a conversation is not possible"

 

I have not heard from her since.

 

My ex and I are not a couple. We do not sleep together she has made it very clear she does not with to do so, but I would still like to be with her.

 

I do not need the drama from the other woman.

 

do I reply? Do I owe her a response or a coffee? Do I ignore her? she has not mentioned dating or sleeping together. Do you think getting together for a conversation in this situation would actually help? if so, maybe I should, but what would it do? she said in her message, this is nothing about your ex, it's about the fact that this fall/winter was incredibly difficult, I have major regrets but am working through them, and talking through things is how I process things. It would help tremendously if you could take the time to talk now that I'm coming out of my own depression. I was not in a good way following the pregnancy.

 

I have to add, another woman whom I was flirting with casually in the fall who is also friends with her ( pregnant woman) had gotten in touch with her and stirred up some drama saying my ex was back around and did she know and so on....and the pregnant woman handled that very well by basically laughing it off and saying " i'm aware your ex is a big part of your life, I don't need updates"

 

so she wasn't crazy at first.

 

it's been about a month since the blow up, the attempts at apology have happened over the month , and my non replies.

Edited March 14, 2015 by piday

[badpenny]

I'm sorry, I am afraid I find your behaviour reprehensible.

Sleeping around, riding roughshod over the feelings and emotions of two women you know to be fragile, emotionally.

 

I think your Morals need a drastic overhaul.

 

Oh, and:

Do everyone a favour and get a vasectomy.

[piday]

I am not doing anything emotionally to my ex.

 

She is the one who leaves me. I bought a house at her request. I have asked her to marry me. I have told her I love her many times. She is the one who shuts me out, and has told that currently she wants to be " best friends and co parents" but will not allow to bring up relationship talk. She slept with me during every other previous " best friend times" until she met someone that wasn't her husband or me last summer and cut me off completely. She has now broken up with him, and wants to be friends again. She has told me we cannot discuss our previous relationship " she was depressed and confused"

 

The only reason all that was shared was to give background to what this woman got upset about.

[piday]

I began sleeping with the woman who had the abortion while my ex was with her last boyfriend and had cut me off.

[Satu]

I will say nothing lest I resort to profanity.

[piday]

I am trying to not be a jerk about this.

 

Do I talk to her or not? would that not be encouraging the behaviours she demonstrated?

[TunaCat]

Stop thinking about, dating, having sex or anything with this woman. You have a child together. Focus on that. Make cooperative co-parenting your only concern when it comes to this woman.

 

I would even suggest you take a break from being with anyone for awhile, but something tells me you wouldn't listen anyway.

[piday]

I'm asking honestly.

 

Around christmas time, she asked me to go to a concert of a mutal band we liked. She said " I was given these tickets, and my friends don't live here, would you be interested in going" ( she had recently moved here)

 

I said " I'm not sure if I can or not, don't hold a ticket for me. I may change my mind and go, but don't not take someone else if you can. Thanks for asking though"

 

She didn't mention it again, but does that not sound like she was trying to progress things?

[piday]

what about the woman who got pregnant and wants to have a conversation " to resolve things?"

[badpenny]

I am not doing anything emotionally to my ex.

Of course you are. By continuing to engage with her, you are contributing to the mess.

 

She is the one who leaves me.

Well then cut off all contact with her, save for your involvement with your child.

 

I bought a house at her request.

That's your problem. What was such a good idea about that??

 

I have asked her to marry me. I have told her I love her many times.

And how's that working for you?

 

She is the one who shuts me out, and has told that currently she wants to be " best friends and co parents" but will not allow to bring up relationship talk.

In that case, quit engaging with her on an emotional leverl and confine all communication to discussion about your child's welfare.

 

She slept with me during every other previous " best friend times" until she met someone that wasn't her husband or me last summer and cut me off completely.

Unless she was holding a gun to your head, you should have refused to have anything to do with her, sexually.

You make yourself sound as if you have no say in your actions. Really??

 

She has now broken up with him, and wants to be friends again. She has told me we cannot discuss our previous relationship " she was depressed and confused"

have nothing to do with her emotionally. Just treat her like a co-paent of your child, and do not get any more involved with her than that.

 

The only reason all that was shared was to give background to what this woman got upset about.

She got upset about the fact that you appear to have no moral virtue!!

 

I began sleeping with the woman who had the abortion while my ex was with her last boyfriend and had cut me off.

 

That's extremely irresponsible....Really, don't you think you should have thought of using condoms or something?

 

It's not just the woman's job.... and patently it was very damaging.

You seem to have little idea of just how devastating an abortion can be for a woman to go through.

Honestly? I'm serious about the vasectomy.

[piday]

for what it's worth, I have spent most of time alone aside from dating two other woman who decided not to pursue things when they saw I had feelings for my ex.

 

Both really great women, and I would have loved to have tried things.

 

This current one, I have no interest in dating.

 

I am just wondering I should have a conversation or if this an attempt to worm her way back in.

[guest569]

Sounds like you didnt give a crap about the one that got pregnant. Whenever she tried to talk about things you would talk about your ex?

 

Either get over your ex or stop dating and destroying these lives.

[smackie9]

 

Both really great women, and I would have loved to have tried things.

 

 

No they are not! They are both mentally hot messes. And you are suffering from a real bad case of shining knight syndrome. You can't fix your ex, and yes this other woman is right, your ex is a manipulator, and is only out for herself.

 

Get better expectations, think more maturely, invest and use condoms, and stop dating women with mental issues. You are better off with out them and they are better off without you, because all it is, is toxic.

 

Stop using their "depression" as an excuse for why things are not working. It's not working because you all need to learn to be adults and grow up.

[katiegrl]

I am trying to not be a jerk about this.

 

Do I talk to her or not? would that not be encouraging the behaviours she demonstrated?

 

I am so confused. Talk to whom? Your ex you have a child with? Or the ex who had the abortion?

 

I am presuming you are referring to your ex who had the abortion ..... since she was the one who was literally begging for some sort of closure .... after what may have been the most devastating experience of her life -- having to abort the baby she conceived with YOU!

 

And you ignored her? Not once, not twice by three times...or was it more?

 

I don't even know what to say to you without getting banned from this forum. Needless to say, it's NOT good!

 

No you don't talk to her now....damage done. Leave her the hell ALONE..you had your chance to do the morally right thing, by not ignoring her attemps for closure and helping her sort out her issues and feelings, after having to abort YOUR baby.

 

But you didn't so live with it....you have already done enough damage.

 

As for her, I am not a religious person, but I do pray she is okay.

 

I can't even imagine having an abortion .... and then having the father ignore me the way you did...after literally begging you to help her get some closure in an attempt to put this nightmare behind her.

 

Reprehensible is an understatement!

[piday]

I fell in love with my ex ( the mother of my child) before I knew about her depression. The depression was post partum/then her husband passing. She is in therapy.

 

Now the one with the abortion, I didn't know about the bipolar. She didn't seem crazy or out of sorts at the time.

 

And based on the last answer, I can see I don't owe her anything.

 

Mistake happen, and talking to her will just add to the mental instability. If she is truly starting to feel better, then it's best to be left alone.

 

Mistake happen, I'm not her therapist. If I want to work things out with my ex, the last thing I need is drama from a fling.

[scorpiogirl]

I fell in love with my ex ( the mother of my child) before I knew about her depression. The depression was post partum/then her husband passing. She is in therapy.

 

Now the one with the abortion, I didn't know about the bipolar. She didn't seem crazy or out of sorts at the time.

 

And based on the last answer, I can see I don't owe her anything.

 

Mistake happen, and talking to her will just add to the mental instability. If she is truly starting to feel better, then it's best to be left alone.

 

Mistake happen, I'm not her therapist. If I want to work things out with my ex, the last thing I need is drama from a fling.

 

 

 

Actually you're the biggest mistake to have happened to your "fling".Do her a favour and leave her alone. After you "flung" her and left her to deal with the abortion on her own, I hope she never has to see you again.

[bolase]

1) Your ex doesn't want to be with you (can't imagine why) so no, what this other woman has to say to you isn't "getting between" you and your ex. There is nothing romantic to "get between".

 

2) You did have a responsibility to the other woman to give her closure. Unlike for you, the experience of abortion doesn't end the next day for the woman, it's something that is thought about for months or years and can actually traumatise for life. Whether or not this woman also wanted to get back together with you romantically is irrelevant. You could have given her closure whilst also making it clear that you did not see a romantic future, but you didn't even have the balls to do so.

 

I agree with other posters who caution you to leave her alone now, she clearly cares way more about your opinions that she should.

[guest569]

2) You did have a responsibility to the other woman to give her closure. Unlike for you, the experience of abortion doesn't end the next day for the woman, it's something that is thought about for months or years and can actually traumatise for life.

 

Exactly, I cant understand the way people treat abortion like nothing. The thread title of "drama/abortion" well yes killing a baby is dramatic for most people, men and women. I think you owed her a little more support and closure for sure.

[katiegrl]

Mistake happen, I'm not her therapist. If I want to work things out with my ex, the last thing I need is drama from a fling.

 

Good lord, do you even have a conscience? You sound almost sociopathic!

 

I am done here, I literally feel nauseous now after reading this...

[Mrin]

I am ashamed we share the same chromosomes. You are not a man. You are a sperm donor.

 

But to answer your questions -

 

1. Yes you should have answered the woman YOU got pregnant. Jesus dude. Bipolar or not the lady had an abortion. That's big F-Ing stuff. She is a single full time mom. Huge stuff there. To a special needs child. Titanic sizes stuff. And you Mr. Sperm Donor go all MIA on the lady when she is desperately trying to reassure herself she made the right f-ing decision. What the hell is wrong with you?!?

2. Yes you should leave your baby momma alone. She can play you like a drum.

3. You should not date for a while.

4. You should focus all of your energies on your child.

[piday]

I went missing when she started acting in a bizarre manner.

 

Going off about my ex ? did that make any sense? she doesn't know my ex, aside from what I tell her. I think it shows how unstable she was.

 

Also, the day I drove her to the clinic, she was all over the place talking and rambling on, and I noticed a couple of times she came over throughout that time period, she would talk through movies and such.

 

She explained to me that was the bipolar and the day of the appt, nervousness on top of it.

 

I get the impression she wants to talk about all of it, the bipolar breakdown, the abortion, her child, just everything. Through this time period, her son had to switch schools and it required a lot of intervention and meetings with social workers and her advocating with the school and so on to get him into a special program. She mentioned it a few times, but I didn't really want to get into talking about her kid with her.

 

I don't see why that would have to be me? From facebook I can see she has started to reconnect with some old friends from here and has been spending time with her friends in the other city.

 

She also at one point added to me facebook through all of this ( she had gotten rid of her cell phone and wanted to be able to coordinate the plans for the abortion via messaging, we had been facebook friends for years, but then she took me off when she found out about pregnancy and my ex broke up with her boyfriend) and I put her on a limited profile. She messaged and said " haha....I will be honest, putting me on a limited profile where I can't see anything is somewhat offensive, especially considering before this, we were facebook friends for years. I think you may have misconstrued some of my emotions as of late for feelings in regards to dating....it's not that". I left facebook the way it was and she just removed me a few days later.

 

When I was spending time with her, she did mention at one point " This winter has been difficult. I wish my friends lived closer". Which made me uncomfortable.

 

I can't help her with those things. Although, she does seem to be doing better.

 

And the attack on my ex, during her depression " rant" ...she also said ( pregant woman)...." you know I have a close friend who also had affairs while married and ended up pregnant with a child that was not her husbands....as much as I love her to death , I tell her the same thing. It's not depression that makes you manipulate people, it's just being a cruddy person. Also, there's something called accountability. Just as her husband finally had to leave her and move on, he also used to sit at my kitchen table and say " but I love her, she can't help she has mental health issues". Mental health issues can cloud your judgement....but when you have the awareness of them, it's not a get out of jail card free for years ongoing to treat someone who does nothing but goes over and beyond for you on a daily basis. Perhaps my friend and her should meet...they have some things in common"

 

She just went off. She also mentioned that she had an ex boyfriend she dated for a year and half that used to limit what she could see on facebook because he was cheating on her...and that was a personal irritation of hers, and a respect thing. That if I was sleeping with her, dating or not, there would have be no reason to all of a sudden to start hiding my facebook without making it weird.

 

And she mentioned accountability...if she believes that, should she not take accountabilty for her actions and understand why I don't want to see/speak to her?

 

 

I spoke to our mutual friend about it. She had had no awareness about the pregnancy and the bi polar. Her take on it was " Well, all I know, she is one of the nicest people I've ever met, and she has helped me through a lot of stuff. I do know she has dealt with some rather severe depression and maybe it really was just all too much for her to hear about someone else's while going through that. I don't know, and she does have a lot of sh it on her plate anyhow, I can't say I wouldn't have blown up, if you consider the pregnancy. I didn't know about the bipolar. She has helped me through some really hard times but she rarely talks about herself, I don't know. She's been a 24/7 single parent for fourteen years without a break. I can see how someone who has their two year old child three or four days out of seven and having so much help from you and other family going on about being alone and needing help really annoying, to be honest, we all roll our eyes when we see your ex posting stuff like that, and to be honest, ( pregnant ladies name) is an incredibly strong person. I doubt you actually know her story. it would have pissed me off too, and I didn't even know about her being pregnant. In all fairness, your ex does post a lot of stuff about being a strong person, and everyone finds it ridiculous. And more to the point " pregnant lady" could eat your ex for lunch without blinking an eye in terms of being a strong person. I think this is one of those things, bad combo, because " pregnant lady" just really goes on everyday and doesn't talk about it or look for recognition, and she really does deal with a lot. She has other family members she looks after as well, and she helps her friends any chance she gets. Im surprised it took this long to break down to be honest"

 

Hearing that, I feel badly. but she could be the nicest person ever, and it doesn't mean she didn't go off on me, and bipolar , pregnancy or not, where our casual thing was ending anyhow, I don't see why it is so important to her to get together to talk as it's all stuff she has to work through anyhow. And if she's such a " strong person" she should be able to deal with this. She has made it clear she doesn't want to talk to resurrect a dating thing.

 

I think it's best left where it is, I can't help her with this. I think she does want to date me, but isn't being honest.

Edited March 15, 2015 by piday

[lana-banana]

Other posters suggested a vasectomy. Aftee two pages of this thread I volunteer to do it free of charge.

[piday]

why, because I slept with a woman who didn't share the fact she was insane?

 

I'm sorry, but if anyone in this situation needs to have their child bearing rights taken away, it's her.

 

My ex and I co parent our child. I wish to be with her, and I will wait.

 

All I wanted to know was to handle this woman having a break down who somehow thinks I can help her.

 

But thank you for assuming I have problems, along with the hundreds of other people on here who have had FWB's, and unrequited love problems.

[piday]

and I received another message from her this am asking for if nothing else, an explanation as to why our mutual friend knows of her pregnancy and bipolar.

 

This is harassment at this point, no answer is the same as saying no more, please.

 

So to anyone who thinks I'm a jerk, she is out of control and won't drop it. This is too much.

[piday]

I have blocked her, end of story.

 

And just to add, it was not my fault that she presented herself as something else.

 

And my ex and her depression issues as I have said, are different. At least she has some self respect and self control. She doesn't harass me.

 

Endless people on here have given the advice " if he doesn't respond, stop messaging"

 

or " block them if they won't take the hint"

 

A pregnancy and her mental health status shouldn't change that, she needs professional help, and I am not a professional.

 

I am not remotely attracted to her, and a friendship at this point turns my stomach after she has acted this way.

 

I don't see why I am a horrible person for not jumping into crazy land.