Coming On Too Strong, That Destructive? (Small Story)

[Frenchy37]

Hey Everyone,

 

Thought I'd discuss something which has plagued me over time on several occasions.

 

That is: Coming on too strong.

 

Recently I may have come on too strong and it has annoyed the h*ll out of me greatly. I'd like to know if it was really that which destroyed any shot I had or if it is just a perspective and/or choice. Some people like it, some don't.

 

To give everyone a little more detail: (trying to give a general picture without writing a novel)

 

I met her at work (yes we work together, not in the same department). She apparently developed a crush on me. When I got her number, sexting was almost immediate. I made my intensions clear: wasn't looking for a relationship, I wanted a fling. She didn't. So we decided to be friends.

 

We talked every night about many things. Sexting sometimes made its way in the convo but eventually I did my best to respect her wishes.

 

I enjoyed chatting on the phone with her, I'm not a chatty person but she is. So I enjoyed listening. Hell I even caught her hinting she wanted to date me (by accident and she would blush and change the subject.)

 

We had a hot kissing "session" in the stairs of were we work and decided it was too risky. So we went to lunch a week later and madeout in my car.

 

I slowly began to fall for her, her personality was - amazing.

 

One day I decided to go hangout with her. We went to a bar and then dinner. This wasn't a date nor had I any intension of doing anything. Things had cooled down and at the time my feelings for her (i guess) were hidden.

 

Within an hour of being together it felt "natural" as if we had been on a date before, we held hands, kissed and had several madeout sessions in her car, and went to dinner. Dinner was great.

 

She went to drop me off and I told her to park next to my car. There is where I think I came off too strong, we madeout again and at once point it got hot and heavy. I said several things which I feel I shouldn't have, such as "you're the hottest thing I've kissed" and "just want to keep kissing you" - (this was a Thursday)

 

Anyway. Saturday I texted her but something was off, so I called and she didn't want to pick up. She said she was really busy. So I left it there.

 

Monday I shot her a quick text saying that I felt I had come off to strong Friday and it wasn't at all my intention. She agreed I did and simply stated not worth getting into because we work together it would complicate things.

 

Ever since then, things have been different. Lot less texting and talking.

 

Did my coming off too strong really kill it? Or am I being too hard on myself and things were just complicated that it landed where it is in lieu of coming off too strong or not?

 

I do agree working together is an obstacle... one which I wouldn't mind risking because I know where I am in the company and how I would handle this, basically meaning I'm confident nothing would happen to me.

 

Any insight and discussion would be greatly appreciated !

[Satu]

You already know the answer to your question.

 

Back off a bit.

[katiegrl]

Sounds to me like she liked you...until such time you started liking her, and expressed as much...then SHE lost interest.

 

I mean for most women, once you told them you only wanted a fling, like you did with this chick early on, they would have backed off.

 

But not her. Instead, she continues chatting, flirting, SEXTING...it became her personal challenge to win you over.

 

Once it became apparent that she *did* win you over, that night in the car, suddenly, just like that, it's over for her.

 

No more challenge! She's got you.

 

It's the ole "want what I can't have" syndrome.

 

Try not to take it personally. I don't think you did anything wrong.

 

JMO....

[fitnessfan365]

Personally, I don't think there is anythig wrong with communicating your desire. Guys that are secure and confident, say whatever is on their mind and don't worry about how it makes them look. If a woman is on the same page she'll be flattered.

 

Where you F'd up was being insecure in thinking you turned her off. Unless a woman tells you otherwise, always be confident and have the mindset that she wants you. So there was no need for you to text her Sat and apologize. This makes you come off as weak. Then to make matters worse, you chased after her texting again on Mon. So now you're not only insecure in her eyes but needy as well. All you had to do was text her Sat saying 'Your lips are still on my mind, and I'd like a refresher course. When are you free?" Then you let her get back to you and make plans.

 

The best thing you can do at this point is to cut contact. Give her some space and let her come to you. When she does, don't rehash the past or get apologetic. Just make a date with her.

[katiegrl]

Personally, I don't think there is anythig wrong with communicating your desire. Guys that are secure and confident, say whatever is on their mind and don't worry about how it makes them look. If a woman is on the same page she'll be flattered.

 

Where you F'd up was being insecure in thinking you turned her off. Unless a woman tells you otherwise, always be confident and have the mindset that she wants you. So there was no need for you to text her Sat and apologize. This makes you come off as weak. Then to make matters worse, you chased after her texting again on Mon. So now you're not only insecure in her eyes but needy as well. All you had to do was text her Sat saying 'Your lips are still on my mind, and I'd like a refresher course. When are you free?" Then you let her get back to you and make plans.

 

The best thing you can do at this point is to cut contact. Give her some space and let her come to you. When she does, don't rehash the past or get apologetic. Just make a date with her.

 

*Smiles* -- ff I must say -- I agree with you here! Great advice.

[fitnessfan365]

*Smiles* -- ff I must say -- I agree with you here! Great advice.

 

Great minds.

[elliecoffee]

From my point of view, considering I'm a shy person, I don't think you were coming too strong on her. Maybe the situation confused her, maybe at the beginning she believed she had a chance if you guys kept talking and getting to know each other. And of course the way you guys handled whatever was going on between you guys gave her hopes, until that hot and heavy make out session. Probably it made her feel you were just trying to get into her pants the whole time. MAAAYBE.

 

I kind of agree with fitnessfan365, back off a bit, sort your feelings out and then go talk to her and find out how she feels about everything that has happened.

 

 

Hope you can work things out xx

[toscaroscura]

I have a different take. She's trying to protect her heart. She already knows you aren't interested in anything serious, and regardless of the time passing and the connection deepening, SHE doesn't know your feelings have deepened. So she is probably kicking herself for opening that FWB door and giving into her desire for you. She might think you're still out for a fling and will dump her after. Plus, with the work situation, she probably feels like she's being even more foolish.

[Buddhist]

"you're the hottest thing I've kissed" and "just want to keep kissing you" - (this was a Thursday)

 

Too strong? No. Someone who has objectified her as a sexual toy rather than seeing her as a person? Absolutely. That would turn me right off too. Coupled with your insistence on only a 'fling' in the first instance, it's pretty conclusive you just like the way her breasts and legs look and be damned with the person actually inhabiting them. Can't imagine why anyone would waste their time with that to be honest.

[Frenchy37]

Fitnessfan, I never apologized really.

 

Told her straight up "I felt I came on too strong, wasn't my intention" - which is truthful. Never once did I say "I'm sorry if"...

 

Also I agree with you in some cases, the next day after our "date" I should have backed off a little.

 

I personally don't think I've come off as needy at all, and if I did, was a moment of impatience which ironically she knows about.

 

Right now I've backed off entirely. Over the past week I did initiate once every 2 days. Now I've decided to let her take the first step - and only time will tell where it goes.

 

I do appreciate all your feedback, it helps realize that I might be too hard on myself.

 

Buddish, to give you some insight, (not sure if I mentioned it before, maybe I left it out). I told her that I had begun having a crush on her (before the "date") - so she knew that it wasn't about sex nor did I objectify her. I fell for her personality more than her looks. By Far.

Edited March 15, 2015 by Frenchy37

[rdet123]

 

Buddish, to give you some insight, (not sure if I mentioned it before, maybe I left it out). I told her that I had begun having a crush on her (before the "date") - so she knew that it wasn't about sex nor did I objectify her. I fell for her personality more than her looks. By Far.

 

Then why don't you want a relationship with her?

[Frenchy37]

Then why don't you want a relationship with her?

 

I do.

 

I guess I left this out of the main story So my apologies everybody.

 

I do want a relationship with her.

[d0nnivain]

I do.

 

I guess I left this out of the main story So my apologies everybody.

 

I do want a relationship with her.

 

 

Does she know that?

 

 

It was where you lost me too. What I got was in the beginning you said you wanted a fling. She wanted to date you. Instead you became "friends" but you really went friends you were more like FWB, even if the benefits were only a few make out sessions & some sexting, but it was way more sexy then platonic friends. Anyway, her lust for you was strong to & she gave in to some of her baser desires are you pressed. If after that Thursday date / not-date she still thought you only wanted a fling -- which based on your comments about how hot she was & your emphasis on the physical would be an understandable conclusion -- she probably decided she had to back off for fear of giving in completely & letting you use her.

 

 

If you now want a relationship with her -- tell her that through words & deeds.

 

 

I suggest you call her, not text call. Tell her as you have gotten to know her your feelings have shifted & you would like to give a relationship a shot. Then ask her for a romantic dinner date. . . pick someplace romantic for the 1st date. Dress up. Bring her flowers (a $10 bouquet from the grocery store is fine, it's the gesture), open doors, pull out chairs, get lost in her eyes, etc.

[Gaeta]

You came across as someone only out for some fun. Saying you think you came across too strongly is not enough. If you are really interested in her than change your game. Tell her you started off on the wrong foot, you do want to get to know her better, you would like to take her out on a date and you'll act like the gentleman you really are. And do it. Please drop the sexting!! and keep your hands in your pockets.

[Frenchy37]

Good insight. Would have never thought that she felt I was using her for sex or anything of the like.

 

Does she know? Yes. I told her that I had a crush on her, but I didn't want to go into yet. Between us I wanted to be sure it wasn't my lust playing games.

 

Now I could have sworn I told her that I had fallen for her personality. But I don't recall.

 

I did remember saying she was the coolest person I've met.

 

Now I love that you guys are giving me insight. Thank you. Keep it up!

 

What I plan on doing is giving her space. She comes back to work in 10 days so I'll see what happens until then. If nothing then nothing and when she comes back, I'll be cool as person be nice and be friendly like normal.

 

If after a time nothing has happened and I feel it's appropriate I'll bring it up and see how it goes, but that will have to be when she comes back from her business trip.

 

To be frank I've gotten missed signals from her. I think she wants a relationship but doesn't want to risk getting hurt or she belives our age difference and working together is too stressful or risky.

[Redhead14]

Hey Everyone,

 

Thought I'd discuss something which has plagued me over time on several occasions.

 

That is: Coming on too strong.

 

Recently I may have come on too strong and it has annoyed the h*ll out of me greatly. I'd like to know if it was really that which destroyed any shot I had or if it is just a perspective and/or choice. Some people like it, some don't.

 

To give everyone a little more detail: (trying to give a general picture without writing a novel)

 

I met her at work (yes we work together, not in the same department). She apparently developed a crush on me. When I got her number, sexting was almost immediate. I made my intensions clear: wasn't looking for a relationship, I wanted a fling. She didn't. So we decided to be friends.

 

We talked every night about many things. Sexting sometimes made its way in the convo but eventually I did my best to respect her wishes.

 

I enjoyed chatting on the phone with her, I'm not a chatty person but she is. So I enjoyed listening. Hell I even caught her hinting she wanted to date me (by accident and she would blush and change the subject.)

 

We had a hot kissing "session" in the stairs of were we work and decided it was too risky. So we went to lunch a week later and madeout in my car.

 

I slowly began to fall for her, her personality was - amazing.

 

One day I decided to go hangout with her. We went to a bar and then dinner. This wasn't a date nor had I any intension of doing anything. Things had cooled down and at the time my feelings for her (i guess) were hidden.

 

Within an hour of being together it felt "natural" as if we had been on a date before, we held hands, kissed and had several madeout sessions in her car, and went to dinner. Dinner was great.

 

She went to drop me off and I told her to park next to my car. There is where I think I came off too strong, we madeout again and at once point it got hot and heavy. I said several things which I feel I shouldn't have, such as "you're the hottest thing I've kissed" and "just want to keep kissing you" - (this was a Thursday)

 

Anyway. Saturday I texted her but something was off, so I called and she didn't want to pick up. She said she was really busy. So I left it there.

 

Monday I shot her a quick text saying that I felt I had come off to strong Friday and it wasn't at all my intention. She agreed I did and simply stated not worth getting into because we work together it would complicate things.

 

Ever since then, things have been different. Lot less texting and talking.

 

Did my coming off too strong really kill it? Or am I being too hard on myself and things were just complicated that it landed where it is in lieu of coming off too strong or not?

 

I do agree working together is an obstacle... one which I wouldn't mind risking because I know where I am in the company and how I would handle this, basically meaning I'm confident nothing would happen to me.

 

Any insight and discussion would be greatly appreciated !

 

"I slowly began to fall for her, her personality was - amazing. " You made this comment when all you were doing was working with her, talking on the phone and sexting? You weren't falling for her slowly at all . . . you were caught up in endorphins at best.

 

If you two had been properly dating each other and communicating regularly in between for at least a couple of months and started feel this way, I could understand that statement.

 

Yes, coming on too strong killed it. It confused her. You told her you didn't want a relationship, you just wanted a fling. She apparently was on that page and then it became apparent that you were getting deeper. Of course, she's going to be put off because your words and actions aren't/weren't in synch, which of course, mirrors her last relationship.

 

"Monday I shot her a quick text saying that I felt I had come off to strong Friday and it wasn't at all my intention. She agreed I did and simply stated not worth getting into because we work together it would complicate things". You thought you were "hiding" feelings for her, but this is how "hidden" feelings get revealed. Again, words and actions and feelings aren't in synch.

 

What you should have done, when you realized your feelings were becoming stronger (which was too soon anyway) and you were "hiding" them, was have a talk with her to explain that and then decide between the two of you whether or not to proceed.

 

If you want to proceed with her, you'll need to have an open, honest, mature conversation with her.

 

But, you need to be clear in your ahead about what you want for yourself, in general, out of your dating experiences. In other words, if you just want flings, have flings and manage your emotions and expectations. It's very difficult to change horses in mid-stream while dating.

 

And, yes, sometimes it happens that a man or a woman doesn't want a relationship or just wants a fling and at some point realizes that a particular person makes them want more and, that's OK, but at that point you need to be clear with the other person about it. They may or may not feel the same about it and it's much better to just get it over with it if the other person doesn't want the same thing.

[Gaeta]

Does she know? Yes. I told her that I had a crush on her, but I didn't want to go into yet. Between us I wanted to be sure it wasn't my lust playing games.

 

Now I could have sworn I told her that I had fallen for her personality. But I don't recall..

 

Saying you have a crush on her and like her personality means in no way you are looking to get to know her and are serious about dating her properly. Saying I have a crush on you = I want to get in your pants.

 

What I plan on doing is giving her space. She comes back to work in 10 days so I'll see what happens until then. If nothing then nothing and when she comes back, I'll be cool as person be nice and be friendly like normal.

 

She will interpret this as you are no longer interested. If I were you I would tell her now that you are looking into seriously dating her, no games, no more inappropriate behavior and wish her a good vacation and you'll be talking to her on return.

[d0nnivain]

What I plan on doing is giving her space. She comes back to work in 10 days so I'll see what happens until then. If nothing then nothing and when she comes back, I'll be cool as person be nice and be friendly like normal.

 

I think she wants a relationship but doesn't want to risk getting hurt or she belives our age difference and working together is too stressful or risky.

 

Giving her space while she is on a business trip is best.

 

 

However, not being straight with her when she gets home is a mistake. If you back off, be cool, friendly & "normal" as you say she will conclude that you do not like her, do not want a relationship with her & your coming on too strong was merely a ploy to get in her pants. As you let things cool, then try to restart this dynamic you had going on -- sexting & making out -- you will make her angry & make her feel used.

 

 

Because you work together & have given her too many mixed signals she may no longer be interested in starting a work place romance with you but the only way you will know is if you take the risk.

 

 

Call her. Ask her on a romantic date & sweep her off her feet. Anything less will confirm in her mind that you only wanted to use her for one thing. I am not saying that was true or is true. I am telling you it's her perspective on this & therefore her reality.

[girl-in-boots]

I have a different take. She's trying to protect her heart. She already knows you aren't interested in anything serious, and regardless of the time passing and the connection deepening, SHE doesn't know your feelings have deepened. So she is probably kicking herself for opening that FWB door and giving into her desire for you. She might think you're still out for a fling and will dump her after. Plus, with the work situation, she probably feels like she's being even more foolish.

 

 

Have to agree with this as I 'finished' with my friend a few days ago for this very reason. Yes I think he likes me a whole lot more but tbh I'm not going to make a fool out of myself and come across needy by actually asking him out loud what he's thinking/feeling.

The only way I can protect my heart as I really like him is to go NC. Probably doesn't make any sense but there you go

[smackie9]

I think clear "communication" about your intentions will clear this whole thing up, like "I'm starting to really like you" then take the conversation from there. I feel the lack of communication may lead her to believe your silence is because you didn't get to home base with her.

 

IMO not coming out and saying it will just lead to assumption which will complicate things even further.

[katiegrl]

So you all essentially believe she dumped him because, although she is really into him, she doesn't believe he's into her...so she pulls away and dumps him?

 

Come on, since when did "any" woman dump a guy she was really into...for that reason or any other reason?

 

We as women, when we REALLY like a guy, are forever rationalizing, justifying and explaining away any behavior that conflicts with the idea that a guy may not be into us.

 

He HAS to be into us..is our thinking, whether it's projecting our own feelings on to him or wishful thinking.

 

Just read all these threads created by women confirming this is true. Thread after thread from women discussing how crappy their boyfriends are treating them - and they STILL refuse to believe their boyfriends aren't into them!

 

The LAST thing they would ever do is pull away and dump him for it..god forbid! Even when everyone here is telling her to dump him...she still would never ever dump him.

 

To the contrary they rationalize and justify the bad behavior...so they can feel better about staying with him!

 

Not saying this is smart...but it"s the reality of how most women operate...when they are REALLY into a guy.

 

Men do this too...women don't have the market cornered on that one. It's just human nature to rationalize and project...when we are really into someone.

 

Therefore, IMO, I just don't believe she is really into him, and pulled away because she thinks he only wants a fling. Especially since she has known from the getgo he only wanted a fling and she STILL proceeded to text him, SEXT him and express interest in him.

 

No...I think something happened in the car that night that turned her off...and THAT is why she has backed off.

 

OP, I don't think you should make any attempt to talk to her, let alone be honest about your feelings. In fact, I think she is perfectly aware of how you feel about her....which is probably why she has pulled away!

 

She was into you when you were out of reach, but after that night in the car, the night you felt you came on too strong, something changed for her....and for whatever reason, she turned OFF.

 

I think you should just leave her alone, and back away. If she changes her mind (and feelings), she knows where to find you...

[Mrin]

Have to agree with this as I 'finished' with my friend a few days ago for this very reason. Yes I think he likes me a whole lot more but tbh I'm not going to make a fool out of myself and come across needy by actually asking him out loud what he's thinking/feeling.

The only way I can protect my heart as I really like him is to go NC. Probably doesn't make any sense but there you go

 

That's so messed up. Ha! Sorry but it is. Hope it works out for you though.

[katiegrl]

"I slowly began to fall for her, her personality was - amazing. " You made this comment when all you were doing was working with her, talking on the phone and sexting? You weren't falling for her slowly at all . . . you were caught up in endorphins at best.

 

If you two had been properly dating each other and communicating regularly in between for at least a couple of months and started feel this way, I could understand that statement.

 

Yes, coming on too strong killed it. It confused her. You told her you didn't want a relationship, you just wanted a fling. She apparently was on that page and then it became apparent that you were getting deeper. Of course, she's going to be put off because your words and actions aren't/weren't in synch, which of course, mirrors her last relationship.

 

"Monday I shot her a quick text saying that I felt I had come off to strong Friday and it wasn't at all my intention. She agreed I did and simply stated not worth getting into because we work together it would complicate things". You thought you were "hiding" feelings for her, but this is how "hidden" feelings get revealed. Again, words and actions and feelings aren't in synch.

 

What you should have done, when you realized your feelings were becoming stronger (which was too soon anyway) and you were "hiding" them, was have a talk with her to explain that and then decide between the two of you whether or not to proceed.

 

If you want to proceed with her, you'll need to have an open, honest, mature conversation with her.

 

But, you need to be clear in your ahead about what you want for yourself, in general, out of your dating experiences. In other words, if you just want flings, have flings and manage your emotions and expectations. It's very difficult to change horses in mid-stream while dating.

 

And, yes, sometimes it happens that a man or a woman doesn't want a relationship or just wants a fling and at some point realizes that a particular person makes them want more and, that's OK, but at that point you need to be clear with the other person about it. They may or may not feel the same about it and it's much better to just get it over with it if the other person doesn't want the same thing.

 

^^Redhead, once again I think you are on point.

 

Especially this >> "yes, coming on too strong killed it."

 

It may have confused her, but one thing's for sure. It turned her off...

[Frenchy37]

I think Katie was right all along.

Edited March 16, 2015 by Frenchy37

[Gary S]

She probably remembered this line you said to her:

 

I made my intentions clear: wasn't looking for a relationship, I wanted a fling.

 

You can't reject a girl and then expect her to forget it. It can come back to haunt you.