jangajang Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I've seen some fantastic advice here, and I guess what I'm looking for from this is some words of encouragement as of late I am really struggling. A brief history is that I have had 4 long term relationships - all of which ended very badly for me. The first - the guy was a notorious cheater - mainly emotionally with his ex girlfriend. We were at University and lived together in our final year, but the relationship was so bad and abusive that my parents had to come and bring me back home - I didn't graduate university because of this relationship, something which I hugely regret and get upset about quite often. The second - the guy seemed great to begin with, but it soon transpired he was a manic depressive and gambling addict. We broke up nearly 4 years ago but he still contacts me any way he can, on basically a weekly basis, with abusive messages. Only this morning I received one calling me a bi**h. The third - I fell head over heels in love with this guy, but after a year and a half of what I thought was a perfect relationship, I found out he had been cheating on me with a married woman - who had 4 children with her husband - and numerous other girls. When I confronted him he told me he never loved me and was just 'playing' at a relationship because that's what everyone expected of him. This morning he tweeted me, and when I looked at his twitter, it was full of him tweeting at cam girls and 'twitter porn stars', which made my skin crawl - the things he was saying to these girls were fowl. The fourth - we were seeing eachother for 6 months then one day I just never heard from him again. A few weeks later I saw he was with someone new in town. The thing is is that these guys are now stopping me moving forward, because I just simply do not trust guys anymore. All of my friends are in commited long term relationships so most of my weekends are spent alone or with my parents. My friends do not even really ask how I am doing anymore, I am treated as the novelty single friend and they just want to hear about any dating disasters I have. I have tried online dating but I just get countless messages from guys fetishising me because I have that typical latina look - dark hair and eyes, big bum, small waist etc. I've probably gone on about 20 or so first dates in the past 18 months and haven't been able to catch a break. I have ups and downs and today is a particular down day - I think because I have been contacted by 2 of my ex's who have made me feel terrible. I just don't know what else to do but I feel I am in constant Catch 22. I don't want to be alone forever, but I can't trust men. I don't know why I attracted these guys in the first place. I have a fantastic job, amazing friends and family, and my health, but this situation brings me down and I forget all about everything that is going well for me at my lowest points. I'm turning 28 this year and it scares me because I am not where I thought I would be - relationship wise - at 28. How do you move past your past? Not let it affect your present and future, And begin to trust again?
autumnnight Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 First, I am sorry you went through that pain. I think you are definitely not alone. I know I have had to work through past things to try not to let them cloud the present. For me, it was a combination of time, taking care of and valuing myself, and being completely honest about the previous hurts. I'll give 2 examples: First, my marriage. I spent years trying to be good enough for affection and intimacy. I used to practice how to talk to him about wanting more so that I could avoid any words that might shut him down. I really believed that if I could become the right person, he would want me. As a result, I kind of lost myself. I tried to fit into whatever mold I thought was required to gain acceptance. And I didn't trust. I didn't trust anyone who suddenly stopped....anything. It took some time and distance. Then I made a concerted effort to value myself, ditch anything and anyone who wanted to keep me stuck in self-loathing. I worked on things I wanted to improve and celebrated things I was great at or that were great about me. And I evaluated my marriage. What did I contribute to the dynamic? And, just as important, what really WAS his problem and not mine, his dysfunction and not mine? I still find little ways old fears can crop up, but once I recognize them I process it and dump it/move on. Second, a relationship that wasn't actually a relationship. I was somewhat sheltered. I dated a good bit in later college and early 20's, but I was never a flirt, clubber, multidater, pickup artist...whatever you want to call it. If I cared I cared, and I only cared about one person. Well, my first mistake was opening myself up when I was vulnerable. The second was trusting without verifying. My third mistake was caving to the "secret" pressure. If a man ever says a variation of, "our closeness/communication/connection is our business. We don't need to talk about it with anyone else," I know that is code for, "I am using the same shtick on 5 other women." And when that did, in fact, turn out to be true, because I was so vulnerable and it had been so long since someone had really noticed me and I had become so immersed in it, it just pulled the rug right out from under me. Then I let myself be gaslighted into believing it had all been in my head, and much much worse. Again, it took time. I realized I was NOT crazy, I was NOT wrong to feel hurt, and I had value. I opened my eyes. I also looked at what vulnerabilities in me allowed me to be such easy prey. I shored up my strength. I also took some time to be without a relationship and formed some friendships with really good men. I observed what a good man did and acted like and lived like. THAT was what I wanted. And next time someone seemed like that kind of mine, I took my time. I asked and observed. Then I made the conscious choice to take a risk. You know what? After 1 1/2 to 2 years....he disappeared and I found out he had someone else. It hurt like crazy and I cried and got mad. But I hadn't lost myself. I knew I had conducted myself well in the relationship. I knew it was HIS problem. And I didn't fall into the abyss.
preraph Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I can certainly see why you've lost trust. The good news is you've managed to have four long-term relationships, which is more than a lot of people ever have. I guess the bad news is you're not seeing red flags and don't seem to see the cheating until it's right in your face. I would hope that after four of those, you'd now be able to look back and see some signs that might tell you all is not well before you get in that deep. Pay attention to how you meet the guy. Did he cheat on someone else to take up with you? Then no surprise he'll repeat that behavior ON you. Does he seem interested in what you can do for him but not very protective or providing and wanting to take care of you and your feelings? If one really loves you, they'll want to make you happy and safe feeling, not keep you on edge and just use you to cook and give them sex. Ask about their past history, because as you've heard, it's the best indication of what will happen in the future. "Why did you break up with your last girlfriend?" "What about the one before that?" Not that they will always tell the truth, but you may see a pattern, for instance, of them taking no responsibility in it and blaming it all on her and that in itself is a red flag. Or if you're lucky, they might be honest and say they met another woman or whatever. The days of you giving them the benefit of the doubt are over. Keep your eyes wide open. There are some good guys out there, but pay attention to how they take care of you and NOT what they say. If a guy is all "I love you" in bed but then he can't be found when you're ill or have a flat tire, he doesn't love you.
toolforgrowth Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I totally feel for you, and as a man, I've had some similar experiences with women myself. First of all, your man-picker is completely out of whack. You are deliberately, either consciously or unconsciously, picking men who are emotionally unavailable or downright bad people. This doesn't excuse their behavior, but you seem to have a pattern for going after these type of men. Perhaps they sell you a different bit of goods before the relationship gets more serious, but I would have to imagine that there had been some kind of red flag crop up about their behavior long before it came to its painful and inevitable conclusion. Second, you are placing too much of your self worth and value on your relationship status. I get that we as humans typically want someone special to share our lives with, but the fact that you don't have that right now doesn't diminish you as a person in any way. A part of me wonders if you're jumping into relationships with these bad men because you're desperate to have anyone in your life, regardless of whether or not they may be good for you or not. This is where re-aligning your man picker comes into play. Third, I'm going to give you some insight into what men in your age group are thinking: 8 Reasons Straight Men Don't Want To Get Married*|*Helen Smith More men today than ever in the past are eschewing marriage, and even relationships. It's simply not a priority for them. Understanding why that is, and what you can do to mitigate their concerns, is a good thing in finding the quality guy that you want.
Hurting bad Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 Hi. You sound like a great girl. Smart, driven and loving. Good traits. I feel the same way. After my ex I feel I cant trust anymore. I Know I will have a hard time moving on after this. And it hurts everyday!
crazycanuck86 Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I've experienced my own lack of trust in people and I've been used and abused myself. So I know where you are coming from and I understand the anger and hurt you go through on a daily bases. The past is the past and these people can't hurt you anymore unless you let them. If these relationships are still haunting you then there is no harm and no shame in seeking out counselling or therapy to help you put all that behind you. I would also suggest that if the creep from the second relationship is still harassing you on a weekly bases four years after the relationship ended that you take leagle action and file a restraing order agiast him and block him on all social media if possable. You can't expect these sacrs to heal overnight just take the time you need and make small baby steps then you'll be fine.
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