wantnotshould Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 (edited) So it's been around 2 months since my ex dumped me. I have been in NC for a decent while now. I have been able to shift my focus from her to me most of the time. However, friends in common casually mention her and it immediately rushes feelings of pain, anger, sadness etc. into my system. I am also PMSing right now which doesn't help with balancing my emotions. She dumped me. She had time to get over me while still having the comfort and safety of a 4 year relationship and a person that adored her. I wasn't allowed that. I was blind-sided. She broke my heart. It also didn't help that I was already at a low point in my life (anxiety, depression, job dissatisfaction/change in career, and dealing with a recently diagnosed 10in blood clot that covered all the major veins in my arm). She broke me down to my core. I have never been more scared than I was a couple of weeks ago. I've managed to bring myself up a little since then. Enough to go out socially and actively pursue this new field of a career. I am focusing on myself and only myself for now, and should not give 3 ****s about her. Yet it kills me to hear that she is ok and "happy", and doing things. It pisses me off that she put me through a huge ordeal, yet made it so easy for herself. It's gotten me wishing her hardship. I want her to get depressed, I want her to suffer in order for her to know what she put me through. I don't think she realizes what anxiety does to a person. I don't think she realizes how powerless you feel when you are depressed and simple tasks are so hard. You feel so useless because you know how simple a task is yet you can't bring yourself to do it. I don't think she realizes how hard my life was already and how much worse she made it. She broke what was left of me. I don't know if I can ever forgive her for that. I also wish that she's miserable without me. That she "realizes what she lost." Why do I care? How I feel:https://33.media.tumblr.com/f479b1cb13de7767b47e36082c70a006/tumblr_n68w7dXctG1sy6dflo1_500.gif PS: Apparently, this one girl thought I was cute. She didn't act on it, she didn't do anything other than comment the fact that she thought I was attractive to a mutual friend. My ex found out and approached the girl and told her something along the lines of "Treat her good." I thought of this action as: trying to pretend to be so cool with the break up that I wish my ex well with someone else. My friend thought it was basically her trying to prevent anything from building by announcing her presence. What do you guys get from this? I suck at keeping these short: I wish my ex pain and suffering. Is that unhealthy, or part of the process? My ex told an acquaintance that finds me cute to "treat me good." What the hell is going through her mind? Edited March 14, 2015 by wantnotshould Fix Link 1
ApexTitanium Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I wish the snow plow would crush my ex's car the next time she parks it on the street, and her next boyfriend treats her like ****, because she didnt think everything I did was good enough while she did nothing. but that's just me
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I am somewhat in awe of the power of the universe & karma. I often wish little aggravations on people who pi$$ me off but I would never hope for catastrophe. Wanting the other person to realize what they lost is fine. Wishing them dead or worse is a might bit over the top. So I wish for things like they miss lights, get stuck in elevators, have the phone ring when they jumped in the shower (especially for important calls) etc. 1
Author wantnotshould Posted March 14, 2015 Author Posted March 14, 2015 What about wishing for life to drop her on her ass? Wishing on depression, anxiety, loss of self, loss of self-esteem, for future heart break? I would never wish her death or anything near that. Just real life experiences. She hasn't gone through many life struggles. No one she was close with has died. No one has hurt her deeply. She got through a bachelors in 3 years. Had connections and got into the masters immediately after. Her life had been a steady cruise. Her family is loving and supportive. Her life has just been easy going. Her biggest struggles were: -When the mom found out she was gay at 16, and was shocked and victimized herself "omg you turned my life around. I had so many dreams of you with a husband and children. You having grandchildren. etc etc etc." Within a year she learned to cope and now is extremely accepting. Her whole family is accepting. - Her mom going through a depressive episode. That's it.
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I think right now you are in the Anger stage of your grief. This too shall pass. Hang in there. 3
Satu Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 It's like drinking poison yourself, in the hope that it will kill the other person. 1
Ruby65 Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I agree this sounds like the Anger phase..... and it's perfectly healthy and natural. It's a step in the recovery process.... the final destination: Acceptance. So don't feel guilty, as long as you don't act on it there's nothing wrong with hating your ex's guts, hoping bad things happen to her, and ranting about what a waste of human life she is. What I found to be the best for getting my anger out: hitting the punching bag at the gym. Seriously: boxing is awesome for venting hatred! I'd just picture my ex's face on that bag and go wild.....
notoi4u Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I would not say it is unhealthy as long as it's short term - it is a process. Try to turn the focus to yourself and into moving on to positive things/energy. The longer you entertain wishing hardship on her, the longer you will not be happy yourself. I think during a break-up is one of the only times it's okay to be self-centered. Take care of you! Karma has a way of handling the rest.
Adales910 Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I don't know you, but our situations are very similar and its a bit creepy. But you have reached the anger phase where I am at. It also sounds like both of our relationships ended at the same time. My best advice is to just keep busy. All the time. To wish hardships on them is normal my ex kept our relationship a secret (she wasn't out) and managed to cheat on me with a man in the process. Your feelings are normal and there is no time stamp to heal. No contact is your best option, I know during the lonely times when ou get out of work and want to talk to someone it gets lonely as hell and hurts like hell but keep thinking that the further you distance yourself and the further you associate with her the easier it will be for you to get over her. Silence speaks volumes. She'll realize what she lost.
lolablue17 Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 Just relax! I can assure you, she will die one day. 6
Lolita_Sky Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 (edited) Just relax! I can assure you, she will die one day. This made me laugh a lot harder than it should have. Hang in there. I use to feel the exact same way after a break up. But I truly loved and cared for all of my exes. Despite how they hurt me I'd NEVER want any ill-will to befall any of them. You'll get out of this angry rut with time. Just don't wallow in it and allow it to fester. Edited March 14, 2015 by Lolita_Sky
Author wantnotshould Posted March 14, 2015 Author Posted March 14, 2015 Ok. It's good to know it's part of the process. I don't feel as guilty for having bad thoughts. I have nothing against her. Our break up was amicable. It just destroyed me. Also, no one answered on my ex's actions. What do you guys think she was doing by telling someone to treat me good? I know. I know. I know. I shouldn't be thinking about it. But it is on my mind. I just want to hear your opinions on it.
Ruby65 Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 Honestly? Sounds like a bunch of pompous narcissistic bluster -- nothing more, nothing less. Condescending. Self-important. Arrogant. Have I left anything out?
lolablue17 Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 (edited) What do you guys think she was doing by telling someone to treat me good? Maybe she just made a half joke, or maybe she wanted to recommend the other girl about you, that you're OK and deserve a good treatment. It means she doesn't hate you and wants you to be happy. Edited March 14, 2015 by lolablue17
Author wantnotshould Posted March 14, 2015 Author Posted March 14, 2015 LOLABLUE17: But it's been 2 months. How can someone arrive at that level in 2 months? She also has been sticking "I'm sorry" messages wherever she can find a place to. She came to pick up stuff, I left the apartment and didn't return until she had left. And she wrote "I'm sorry" on my whiteboard. I had unblocked her so that she could tell me when she left, and I got an "I'm sorry" text, and a have fun at X place that I got pissed about because why is she aware of what my plans are? What is that? Does she honestly think a 2 month period is long enough for me to forgive her? Is she just trying to relieve her guilt? Does she realize she ****ed up or does she want to look good by "treating me nice". RUBY65: that's exactly how I saw it, it reminded me of her brother. I thought to myself: OMG is this who I was dating, yet was too blind to see it. Was she a dick the whole time? But my perception of her is the exact opposite which makes for a really confusing thought.
Ruby65 Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 She's pompous and self-important -- and leaving "I'm sorry" all over the place is just to relieve HER guilt so SHE can feel better. Eww.
lop98 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Well a strange thing happened to me a year after my BU... I always wished to have the time to share it on LS... I'll add a bit of background: He was doing financially well at the time of our relationship and I didn't want to take advantage of that (I was broke!) and hesitated about many things. Long story short, he decided to break up after misunderstandings that stemmed from that by ignoring me, not an explanation, an apology, any reasoning, a sign of compassion, nothing, his friends said he was in a lot of pain but he never reached out to me and refused to figure things out together, he came back a couple of times only to insult me, to say I was not attractive, but that despite this I would always be special to him but he had reached his limit and that he could only offer me his friendship, take it or leave it (his words). The next week he was tagged at a party and started following on instagram one of the girls in that party, then added her on fb (damn social media), by Sunday she was posting pictures from his bed and even hashtagging the brands of his clothes (designer names). She moved in with him weeks later and they continued to document every move of their relationship, many of them were things he and I had talked about doing together. She wasn't remotely good looking, below average actually, and one time she gave me an accidental like so I knew he had shown her my stuff online, and I was surprised to see she started posting pictures that looked like mine and even wearing similar makeup. He'd still post things about missing someone, and would sometimes breadcrumb me (until I blocked him), so she was aware she was the rebound, but she was getting expensive gifts and a free apartment so I guess it was all good. It all sounds silly really but being so in love as I was, I was crushed and quickly fell into depression, I was so heartbroken and shocked and disgusted by these two. She was just an opportunistic fool, but he was a person that uses people, without values, without any sense of decency, shallow and narcissistic in every way, and as easy and cheap as she was. One of my friends was so supportive during this time, I would always go to her and cry, I'd show her pictures of them together and she'd assure me she had nothing on me haha, and I'd rant for hours, I remember clearly one night in a parking lot, crying saying she was a prostitute (because she's from a country where prostitution is rampant and I was being racist, in pain and out of control), and my friend nodding to everything said she was a walking STD, to which I replied (and even tweeted) that that was exactly what I wished them, to rot in warts, to get something incurable, anything, and for him to always be the pet of his boss. I knew most likely the opposite would happen, because these types always rise to the top. Anyway, a year went by, I healed, almost forgot about these two, found a wonderful boy, fell in love and we traveled and we moved in together. Guess who made a comeback!. Yeah. We talked and he acted so surprised about what I was up to. Days later (maybe he went down memory lane, I'll never know), he contacted me again, this time in tears, asking me if my bf made me happy (dramatic much..), I said he did and then I had to run, I was always busy!. He kept trying to contact me, sometimes we'd have conversations, and then he asked me if he could meet me, I said no, he insisted and I again said that it was not a good idea. He then started crying and told me that he was so sorry for letting me down that time, that he couldn't forgive himself and that there was no way to fix any of that anymore, I told him that I had gotten over that and that he shouldn't be so dramatic as we were both up to better now. He kept saying 'life threw me a curveball' and then confessed this girl had served him with an incurable std, she had it for years but 'forgot' to tell him until he experienced his first outbreak. For a second I felt this wide smile on my face, justice at last (I'm only human!) but remained in silence, and just said I was so sorry. He cried for long minutes saying sorry too, and I assured him that didn't make him any different in my eyes (it didn't really, and I genuinely felt sad for him). I remembered that tweet for a second and felt like a witch and a bit scared of myself even though I had nothing to do with it! They broke up a few months later, right after I had to end things with my then bf and he seized his chance. He's taking therapy regularly, and we still hang out, every other month when we can tolerate each other.. If I had to compare between learning about how my bad wish came true and those times when he contacted me and I was too busy living the life, nothing was more sayisfying that the latter, and by a long shot, something about me still standing, stronger and better than ever and having the option of simply not giving a s*t about a person that caused me so much pain... it made me feel so proud of myself cause it was all my strength, when we broke up I bargained, begged for attention, called crying, I was pathetic and so weak, I thought I'd never go back to feeling complete and on top of my game. What happened to him was simply a result if his decisions based on anger, rush, poor values, but I put myself back together on my own and found better. I think that's real karma, what you pave for yourself, and I firmly believe that when you treat people like s*t, you are lacking something and the absence of that something has made you get away with treating someone bad but sooner or later, someone will pick up on that and serve you a taste of your own medicine... 6
Hopeful714 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Oh I dreamt up elaborate revenge scenarios....none of which I would ever execute in reality. Then one day I just thought "I hope he gets what he truly deserves" The last I heard it appeared he was in another messed up RS and in trouble with the law. Karma? Maybe....but more likely as the above poster stated....a result of poor life choices.
mightycpa Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Sounds pretty ****ty to me. You're lucky that there's no such thing as Karma.
ManyDissapoint Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Well a strange thing happened to me a year after my BU... I always wished to have the time to share it on LS... I'll add a bit of background: He was doing financially well at the time of our relationship and I didn't want to take advantage of that (I was broke!) and hesitated about many things. Long story short, he decided to break up after misunderstandings that stemmed from that by ignoring me, not an explanation, an apology, any reasoning, a sign of compassion, nothing, his friends said he was in a lot of pain but he never reached out to me and refused to figure things out together, he came back a couple of times only to insult me, to say I was not attractive, but that despite this I would always be special to him but he had reached his limit and that he could only offer me his friendship, take it or leave it (his words). The next week he was tagged at a party and started following on instagram one of the girls in that party, then added her on fb (damn social media), by Sunday she was posting pictures from his bed and even hashtagging the brands of his clothes (designer names). She moved in with him weeks later and they continued to document every move of their relationship, many of them were things he and I had talked about doing together. She wasn't remotely good looking, below average actually, and one time she gave me an accidental like so I knew he had shown her my stuff online, and I was surprised to see she started posting pictures that looked like mine and even wearing similar makeup. He'd still post things about missing someone, and would sometimes breadcrumb me (until I blocked him), so she was aware she was the rebound, but she was getting expensive gifts and a free apartment so I guess it was all good. It all sounds silly really but being so in love as I was, I was crushed and quickly fell into depression, I was so heartbroken and shocked and disgusted by these two. She was just an opportunistic fool, but he was a person that uses people, without values, without any sense of decency, shallow and narcissistic in every way, and as easy and cheap as she was. One of my friends was so supportive during this time, I would always go to her and cry, I'd show her pictures of them together and she'd assure me she had nothing on me haha, and I'd rant for hours, I remember clearly one night in a parking lot, crying saying she was a prostitute (because she's from a country where prostitution is rampant and I was being racist, in pain and out of control), and my friend nodding to everything said she was a walking STD, to which I replied (and even tweeted) that that was exactly what I wished them, to rot in warts, to get something incurable, anything, and for him to always be the pet of his boss. I knew most likely the opposite would happen, because these types always rise to the top. Anyway, a year went by, I healed, almost forgot about these two, found a wonderful boy, fell in love and we traveled and we moved in together. Guess who made a comeback!. Yeah. We talked and he acted so surprised about what I was up to. Days later (maybe he went down memory lane, I'll never know), he contacted me again, this time in tears, asking me if my bf made me happy (dramatic much..), I said he did and then I had to run, I was always busy!. He kept trying to contact me, sometimes we'd have conversations, and then he asked me if he could meet me, I said no, he insisted and I again said that it was not a good idea. He then started crying and told me that he was so sorry for letting me down that time, that he couldn't forgive himself and that there was no way to fix any of that anymore, I told him that I had gotten over that and that he shouldn't be so dramatic as we were both up to better now. He kept saying 'life threw me a curveball' and then confessed this girl had served him with an incurable std, she had it for years but 'forgot' to tell him until he experienced his first outbreak. For a second I felt this wide smile on my face, justice at last (I'm only human!) but remained in silence, and just said I was so sorry. He cried for long minutes saying sorry too, and I assured him that didn't make him any different in my eyes (it didn't really, and I genuinely felt sad for him). I remembered that tweet for a second and felt like a witch and a bit scared of myself even though I had nothing to do with it! They broke up a few months later, right after I had to end things with my then bf and he seized his chance. He's taking therapy regularly, and we still hang out, every other month when we can tolerate each other.. If I had to compare between learning about how my bad wish came true and those times when he contacted me and I was too busy living the life, nothing was more sayisfying that the latter, and by a long shot, something about me still standing, stronger and better than ever and having the option of simply not giving a s*t about a person that caused me so much pain... it made me feel so proud of myself cause it was all my strength, when we broke up I bargained, begged for attention, called crying, I was pathetic and so weak, I thought I'd never go back to feeling complete and on top of my game. What happened to him was simply a result if his decisions based on anger, rush, poor values, but I put myself back together on my own and found better. I think that's real karma, what you pave for yourself, and I firmly believe that when you treat people like s*t, you are lacking something and the absence of that something has made you get away with treating someone bad but sooner or later, someone will pick up on that and serve you a taste of your own medicine... This is fantastic. And I like your final insight. 1
Kinetica84 Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Anger is a choice. It is not about what has happened to you but how you choose to react to it. If you forgive your ex then she no longer has any power over you. Sitting there wasting all that mental energy on her is futile. Use that energy for positives in your life. No one can make you happy. Only you can make you happy. The more you pursue happiness the further out of reach it becames, you just have to let it happen. The next time you have thoughts about your ex, do not follow that thought in your head. Allow it to leave as quickly as it entered and switch your focus to something positive and then follow that thought to its conclusion. Live in the now. We don't live in the past. The next bad thoughts you have say to yourself "I neither like you or hate you, you are nothing to me and no longer exist in my world. We no longer occupy the same space or time."
Arieswoman Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 OP, I think it's quite normal in the first stages of an acrimonious break-up to wish that your ex could fall into a giant mincing machine. If you are still harbouring these destructive thoughts 6 months later then maybe counselling is required to find out why you are stuck in the "anger" phase of grieving. After I divorced my exH I told him that he would pay for what he did to me. He told me he 'wished me well' or some other patronising remark. If you check out the thread "What's your WS's after divorce story?" - post #8 you'll see what did happen to him and his AP. Not all of their misfortunes were due to "Karma" or whatever else you want to call it. Some were the result of poor financial decisions with regard to property/real estate. I am convinced that people "reap what they sow" and if you have been treated badly the perpetrator will get theirs - it's just a matter of time...
LYNNLH Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I don't know if it's healthy but it's normal..call me crazy but I not only wish hardship on him..I wish death on him. This is how much I hate him. He has messed me up so bad that I no longer trust..myself. Yeah..I know some people might even say I am horrible for wishing him death..but you want the honest truth..this is how I feel. I have never wished anything bad in anyone before...but he really hurt me. To the core.
AIJ Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 Originally, I wasn't angry or bitter towards my ex after she ended it. I accepted it, and tried to move on. However, after all of the events which have occurred in recent weeks: - pictures of her and this boy I knew was interested in her when we were together - her playing mind games with me, breadcrumbs etc. - her badmouthing me The anger and resentment has built up and exploded today. More pictures of her and THAT boy. I caved and checked her Instagram, I know I shouldn't have, but I did. Been so angry the entire day. I hate her, so, so much. Genuine passionate hate. All the things she said to me just weeks, even DAYS, before ending the relationship. I feel like I was lied to, I feel like I've been made to look like an idiot. I honestly hope to god that this boy does her wrong, I hope he treats her terribly, I hope he cheats on her, and I hope that she'll come crawling back when I'm completely indifferent to her and possibly in a new relationship so I can kick her to the curb and hope she feels the pain I've been feeling. ****ING *******.
AIJ Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I really, really need to vent. I feel so angry. I don't have many friends either so this is my only real outlet. I can't believe two weeks before she ended it, she insisted she never, ever had any intention of ever ending it. A week before ending it, she told me she loved me so much and she doesn't know what she'd do without me. I make life good. That's what she said. I just don't understand how someone can switch on you so quickly. I keep thinking about her and this new guy and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. The image of her being intimate with him makes me want to curl up in to a ball and cry. I'm not a very emotional person, I've never been one to get upset about many things, I handle my emotions very well in most situations but this has absolutely destroyed me. It was my first relationship, the first girl I'd ever actually properly fallen for. That's probably why it makes it so much harder, I've never experienced anything like this before.
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