Can anyone give me insight into what boundaries not to cross in a relationship?

March 14, 2015

What I mean is what boundaries can a boyfriend/girlfriend can and cannot cross in a relationship?

I am currently going through a break up and I have been reflecting on my actions to see all the mistakes I made in it.

I was recently told that while I may have been in a relationship it doesn't constitute me knowing about certain things about the boyfriend (now ex) at the time. He felt I was trying to control him because I wanted to know about him more. For instance how his day was and what he did that day. It wasn't in a controlling way it was more of a conversation thing like "how was your day"?

For instance not knowing who a lot of their friends are. Or I guess leaving some of my things...small things at their apartment. Not even on purpose.

The thing is my ex lied to me about a few things towards the end of our relationship. He had stopped having sex with me. I found out he had another woman over at his place I never met before and he never told me she came over. I mean it's like we were back at square one like we were still in the "dating" process.

I understand men need space I even asked him repeatedly if he needed space. He said no. But then he lied about where he was so I started to feel insecure. How else can a woman feel secure in her relationship if her man isn't being honest.

Anyway from his perspective it all goes back to me "over stepping" my boundaries. He believes I wasn't ready for a serious relationship. Please someone explain to me how does a guy...whose always had sexual partners never a committed relationship know what a serious relationship even looks like??

I met his entire family and his closest friends so I thought we'd gotten serious. Then he suddenly pulled the plug and started acting different.

Any way just give me your own opinions about what are certain boundaries that are not to be crossed.

Thanks!

Edited March 14, 2015 by Lolita_Sky

March 14, 2015

Anyway it all goes back to me "over stepping" my boundaries. I refuse to be the "main chick" that he cheats on with other women.

That has nothing to do with boundaries. You have every right to determine what you will and will not stand for in a relationship, and it's not surprising that "cheating" is something you won't stand for.

I met his entire family and his closest friends so I thought we'd gotten serious. Then he suddenly pulled the plug and started acting different.

Next time, if you want to know if you're serious, just ask. Clarify whether or not you're in an exclusive, committed relationship. It's a simple question with a simple answer.

March 14, 2015

That has nothing to do with boundaries. You have every right to determine what you will and will not stand for in a relationship, and it's not surprising that "cheating" is something you won't stand for.

Next time, if you want to know if you're serious, just ask. Clarify whether or not you're in an exclusive, committed relationship. It's a simple question with a simple answer.

We were though. We were in a committed relationship.

He was particularly defensive about his female friends. He'd get extremely defensive if I asked about them.

The funny thing about it though if they were just "friends" how come he never talked on the phone with them in front of me? Or texted them in front of me.

I over heard him talking on the phone with one woman he immediately got off the phone with her when he knew I was present...isn't that off behavior if you're just talking to a "friend"?

March 14, 2015

It sounded like, you ASSUMED you were in a serious relationship because he introduced you to his family and friends.

Serious means.... what, to you? Exclusive? Committed to exploring a future together? Well, did you and he have those conversations?

Did he tell you he wasn't sleeping with or dating other people?

If he told you he was exclusive, and he was pursuing other women, then he's just a sleazy lying cheater and you're WELL RID OF HIM.

If you never had that conversation.... well, next time you know to have it!

As for him and his female "friends"..... that's called a RED FLAG. You chose to ignore the red flags. That's on you, my friend.

If you're going to date a player..... don't expect him to be monogamous. Simply jumping up and down, pointing a finger and shouting about how he SHOULD be acting differently, doesn't make it any more likely to happen.

Someone once said: men are like shoes.... you take them AS IS.

You can't change a cheater into a good boyfriend. If you choose to close your eyes and ignore the signs that he's not that invested in you.... then that's your own responsibility.

March 14, 2015

That has nothing to do with boundaries. You have every right to determine what you will and will not stand for in a relationship, and it's not surprising that "cheating" is something you won't stand for.

Next time, if you want to know if you're serious, just ask. Clarify whether or not you're in an exclusive, committed relationship. It's a simple question with a simple answer.

We were though. We were in a committed relationship. The funny thing about it though if they were just "friends" how come he never talked on the phone with them in front of me? Or texted them in front of me.

He was always defensive about his female friends. If I asked about them he'd get so defensive and tell me that it's not my business and that I don't pay his phone bill. What the h*ll kind of response is that??

I over heard him talking on the phone with one woman he immediately got off the phone with her when he knew I was present...isn't that off behavior if you're just talking to a "friend"?

Also for a guy that was never in a serious relationship and only always had sexual partners how could he possibly know what it means to be in a serious relationship? He kept telling me I'm not ready for a serious relationship. I was in a relationship for nearly two years with the ex before him. I know what it means. He doesn't. He's always acting like he knows everything. Which is a huge indicator of his own insecurities.

March 14, 2015

It sounded like, you ASSUMED you were in a serious relationship because he introduced you to his family and friends.

Serious means.... what, to you? Exclusive? Committed to exploring a future together? Well, did you and he have those conversations?

Did he tell you he wasn't sleeping with or dating other people?

If he told you he was exclusive, and he was pursuing other women, then he's just a sleazy lying cheater and you're WELL RID OF HIM.

If you never had that conversation.... well, next time you know to have it!

As for him and his female "friends"..... that's called a RED FLAG. You chose to ignore the red flags. That's on you, my friend.

If you're going to date a player..... don't expect him to be monogamous. Simply jumping up and down, pointing a finger and shouting about how he SHOULD be acting differently, doesn't make it any more likely to happen.

Someone once said: men are like shoes.... you take them AS IS.

You can't change a cheater into a good boyfriend. If you choose to close your eyes and ignore the signs that he's not that invested in you.... then that's your own responsibility.

We sat down and had a conversation about the relationship. There was no assuming. I wouldn't have done all of that if we weren't. I know it's not my place because he didn't make me a priority.

He was not to sleep with other people and neither was I. However he wanted to go on a "break" for a whole freaking month where we don't date or see anyone else ie...sleep with anyone else. He claimed he needed space. Like he didn't have enough space with me already.

Edited March 14, 2015 by Lolita_Sky

March 14, 2015

Lolita_Sky,

I am sorry that things haven't worked out for you.

Q.

Please someone explain to me how does a guy...whose always had sexual partners never a committed relationship know what a serious relationship even looks like??

A. He doesn't.

You may have thought you were in a committed relationship but obviously he didn't.

Anyway from his perspective it all goes back to me "over stepping" my boundaries.

Translation - you were asserting yourself and he didn't like it.

As Ruby65 says, you need to set YOUR (capitals for emphasis, not shouting) boundaries concerning what you will or will not tolerate in a relationship. And stick to them.

If someone that you are in a relationship can't tell you a bit about what he did that day, IMO that is a bit strange.

He was particularly defensive about his female friends. He'd get extremely defensive if I asked about them.

Big red flag +++ - are you sure they were friends or FWB?

IMO people with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Just take it a bit slower next time. No sex without monogamy. Get to know the guy first.

Good luck. x

March 14, 2015

Well, there's more red flags!

You'd have to be a punch-drunk blind man not to see all the flashing red stop signs in this relationship a mile away!!

Look, the only reason I'm being harsh with you here is because -- and correct me if I'm wrong, please! -- but I thought I saw you post on another thread here that you expect to hear from this piece of trash in two weeks when it's your birthday -- ??

And that, barring his birthday wishes, YOU intend to contact HIM in a month?

So my question to you, if that indeed is the case, is:

Are you insane?

Why ON EARTH would you be even considering continuing a relationship with this guy who obviously isn't being faithful or treating you with the love and respect you deserve??

March 14, 2015

Just take it a bit slower next time. No sex without monogamy. Get to know the guy first.

Brilliant post all around. But this ^ bit above? Words to live by.

March 14, 2015

Well, there's more red flags!

You'd have to be a punch-drunk blind man not to see all the flashing red stop signs in this relationship a mile away!!

Look, the only reason I'm being harsh with you here is because -- and correct me if I'm wrong, please! -- but I thought I saw you post on another thread here that you expect to hear from this piece of trash in two weeks when it's your birthday -- ??

And that, barring his birthday wishes, YOU intend to contact HIM in a month?

So my question to you, if that indeed is the case, is:

Are you insane?

Why ON EARTH would you be even considering continuing a relationship with this guy who obviously isn't being faithful or treating you with the love and respect you deserve??

Because I honestly thought I was wrong. I honestly thought because of what he said and his mother said I honestly thought I was wrong.

But yesterday I really had time to reflect on things and I realized that what I had wanted wasn't so bad after all. That I really wasn't asking for much. He's the one that was wrong in all of this. I came on here and posted this question just to clarify. Just to see if I was the one that was right. I've already decided that I'm not going to contact him.

His mother already told me he's not going to come after me. So if that is the truth oh well. I did what was right for me.

March 14, 2015

You know what? None of it matters except for one thing:

Go No Contact, starting right this second.

Block him everywhere so he can't contact you on your birthday. Him and his mother both. That means on your email, your phone, every site and app you use. If you use a site or app that doesn't let you block people, disable it for a few months.

DON'T reach out to him.

That's all you need to focus on, recovery. There's no grand *lesson* to learn.... other than to stop ignoring red flags.

Really. Just go No Contact and walk away.

March 14, 2015

Lolita_sky,

As said before, I am sorry this didn't work out for you.

Listen to Ruby65 ;

Go No Contact, starting right this second.

Block him everywhere so he can't contact you on your birthday. Him and his mother both. That means on your email, your phone, every site and app you use. If you use a site or app that doesn't let you block people, disable it for a few months.

DON'T reach out to him.

That's all you need to focus on, recovery. There's no grand *lesson* to learn.... other than to stop ignoring red flags.

Really. Just go No Contact and walk away.

Now, take time out for yourself, be kind to yourself and learn the lessons.

And be grateful. You didn't get pregnant, he didn't give you an STD.

Next time (although at this moment you probably can't even envisage a "next time") you'll see any red flags won't you? And you'll walk away towards something better.

Good luck and hugs to you x

March 14, 2015

Lolita,

Have you considered the possibility that you just got involved with a ****ty guy?

You say that he

always had sexual partners never a committed relationship

and you thought you could somehow break that mold.

I think that this has nothing to do with boundaries or "how was your day" or anything like that. I think it has to do with you not really understanding who you got into bed with, and then when the signs popped up (secret friends, secret girl texting, etc.) you didn't bail.

There's your mistakes. Not seeing things for what they were, and excusing this stuff because you wanted it not to be true. Almost everybody does that at first; we all go though that. But what can separate you from the pact is if you learn from it, and don't fall for it again.

Oh, one more thing.. this:

I understand men need space I even asked him repeatedly if he needed space.

You don't ask if someone needs space. You just give it to them, not all at once, to cause a reaction, but a little more at a time, without any announcement, fanfare or complaint. The way they react to their slowly increasing freedom is how you know if they need it.

OK, that's it. Start paying attention and act accordingly. Good luck.

March 14, 2015

Lolita,

Have you considered the possibility that you just got involved with a ****ty guy?

You say that he and you thought you could somehow break that mold.

I think that this has nothing to do with boundaries or "how was your day" or anything like that. I think it has to do with you not really understanding who you got into bed with, and then when the signs popped up (secret friends, secret girl texting, etc.) you didn't bail.

There's your mistakes. Not seeing things for what they were, and excusing this stuff because you wanted it not to be true. Almost everybody does that at first; we all go though that. But what can separate you from the pact is if you learn from it, and don't fall for it again.

Oh, one more thing.. this:

You don't ask if someone needs space. You just give it to them, not all at once, to cause a reaction, but a little more at a time, without any announcement, fanfare or complaint. The way they react to their slowly increasing freedom is how you know if they need it.

OK, that's it. Start paying attention and act accordingly. Good luck.

I see. You guys are right. I guess me being stressed out I didn't see the signs for what they were at the time. I've already decided that I'm going to keep moving forward.

I've talked about this as much as I could. It's time to put it behind me.

March 14, 2015

Yes: time to go No Contact.

That means blocking him and his mom. Everywhere, on everything. You can do it!

March 14, 2015

Yes: time to go No Contact.

That means blocking him and his mom. Everywhere, on everything. You can do it!

I haven't contacted him since the day after I broke up with him. I slipped up a few days after and contacted his mom. But other than that I haven't spoken to him. He doesn't care if I call or not. If I called him now he'd pick up and answer like nothing happened. Because he just doesn't care.

I know he'd get back with me if I begged him to. But I'd never give him the satisfaction. I have my own dignity to uphold.

March 14, 2015

Okay, here's the thing.....

No Contact DOESN'T MEAN he cares or doesn't care if you contact him.

No Contact means:

You block him on your phone.... or change your number.

You block him on your email.

You block him on every site or app you use... and if you use a site or app that doesn't let you block, you disable it for a few months.

There should be NO WAY for him -- or his mother -- to reach you.

That, my friend, is No Contact.

March 14, 2015

Crap... He just texted me. He responded to a text I sent him the day after we broke up regarding an article talking about how men love differently.

I said: "Hey I don't expect you to respond but I came across this article online about how men love differently from women I think it was similar to our situation. When i read it, it made me think of you If you don't respond at least read the article." That was on the 10th

And he just wrote back. Basically saying that he agrees to an extent about what the article is saying.

I haven't responded back because I don't know if I should. I'm shocked he did reply. I honestly thought he was just done. How he got off the phone made me feel this way. The fact that he responded says something though. I just don't know what. I don't want to jump to any conclusions his actions and words have been all over the place as of late.

March 14, 2015

Okay, here's the thing.....

No Contact DOESN'T MEAN he cares or doesn't care if you contact him.

No Contact means:

You block him on your phone.... or change your number.

You block him on your email.

You block him on every site or app you use... and if you use a site or app that doesn't let you block, you disable it for a few months.

There should be NO WAY for him -- or his mother -- to reach you.

That, my friend, is No Contact.

I see well believe it or not he JUST texted me. I'm not panicky or anything. I honestly don't feel anything. I just think he's testing me to see what I do/say. He wanted space yet he texts me back...5 days after I sent the text. The longest I've gone without contacting him is 3 days. So I guess I got him a bit curious? I don't know.

March 14, 2015

Reminds me of the slu* I dated who told me he wanted to "commit" to me. Yea...things just weren't adding up there either. It all became clear the day I was in his room while he was changing the sheets on his bed and I saw the heavily blood stained mattress pad that looked like a spotted dalmation. I basically barfed in my mouth.

Good advice here in this thread. Heed it!

This guy is a d bag who is trying to have his cake and eat it too with you....among others. Don't you dare get involved w it again or you will get more of the same.

March 14, 2015

I see well believe it or not he JUST texted me. I'm not panicky or anything. I honestly don't feel anything. I just think he's testing me to see what I do/say. He wanted space yet he texts me back...5 days after I sent the text. The longest I've gone without contacting him is 3 days. So I guess I got him a bit curious? I don't know.

Okay, so.... THIS is why you block him.

Block him. Block him. Block him.

If you block him... he CAN'T text you!!! So block him.

Nothing else to say or do: BLOCK HIM.

Edited March 14, 2015 by Ruby65

March 14, 2015

I see well believe it or not he JUST texted me. I'm not panicky or anything. I honestly don't feel anything. I just think he's testing me to see what I do/say. He wanted space yet he texts me back...5 days after I sent the text. The longest I've gone without contacting him is 3 days. So I guess I got him a bit curious? I don't know.

It's called bread crumbs OP. Listen to the ladies on here! Block him, if your phone doesn't block then download an app that allows you to block his number!

Delete him from your life, this space he needed was so he could date other woman. He's full of sh*t, you where a side option/back-up plan. Sorry!

March 14, 2015

It's called bread crumbs OP. Listen to the ladies on here! Block him, if your phone doesn't block then download an app that allows you to block his number!

Delete him from your life, this space he needed was so he could date other woman. He's full of sh*t, you where a side option/back-up plan. Sorry!

I already know, believe me. I have sense enough to know he's playing games. Hence why I haven't responded. I'm a whole lot more level headed than my situation seems. I was at a very vulnerable point in my life when I met my ex. Because of that my sense of logical reasoning was a bit warped. Normally I don't put up with crap like this. He'll see just how irritating it is to be ignored. I don't care how huge a person's ego is. You ignore a person it eats at them/their ego.

Now it's his turn to know how it feels. Plus he needs to know I'm no longer putting up with bullsh*t anymore. He took me for granted so now this will force him to see just how serious I'm done.

I told him once I'm done with an ex I'm done. I NEVER look back and I meant it. His indifference to the break up fuels my drive to keep moving forward even more.

I couldn't get back with him even if I wanted to. He hurt me way too much. I don't want to experience that again...or even worse.

March 14, 2015

So are you going to block him?

March 14, 2015

So are you going to block him?

I'll get an app to block his number. My service provider doesn't allow block calling since I'm on a prepaid service. I deleted his number from my phone to keep me from contacting him the day I sent that text to him. I really shouldn't have done that. Oh, well what's done is done. All to do is move on. I don't see this as a step back because I'm not even tempted to reply. I really feel like i made a lot of progress yesterday. For whatever reason yesterday helped me to come to terms with our break up.

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Can anyone give me insight into what boundaries not to cross in a relationship?

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