Men start relationships, women maintain them?

[somedude81]

Sex was a new thing he'd never done before, like a new video game. Once he'd done it a lot and knew what itvwas about, it just didn't interest him. Plus, he thought once we had our kids andv"got on with life," I'd get over the whole sex thing.

 

That's pretty much what he said.

 

I realize SD, that you weren't asking me this question.....but similar to AN, my ex SO was like this as well. It just stopped and it wasn't anything I had done.

 

It was just something that was never important to him, even when he was in college and all his friends were chasing girls, getting laid, he really could care less about sex.

 

Sounds like in both your situations that that the guy never really cared much about sex. That really is a shame. I hope those guys didn't try to mislead either of you.

 

He even admitted that when we finally were able to discuss it, but we were already in the stages of breaking up by then.

 

That is a very good point. Usually when the sex does have a noticeable drop off it's the sign that a relationship is ending. Of course usually doesn't mean always because in my relationship the sex was very high up until when she ended it out of the blue. Oh well.

[Eggplant]

Phase 2: Man thinks 'yay I have woman' and stops making effort. The woman begins to fill the gaps. She treats her man, organises the dates, buys the presents, writes the cards, makes suggestions for where she wants to go. Wooing, spontaneity, compliments and flattery become rarer or stop altogether.

Never ever. I have never and will never react to a man's pulling back by filling in the gaps. I've never had a man pull back that I know about either, but if it does happen, I'll get out of the way real fast.

[trippi1432]

that is a very good point. Usually when the sex does have a noticeable drop off it's the sign that a relationship is ending. Of course usually doesn't mean always because in my relationship the sex was very high up until when she ended it out of the blue. Oh well.

 

In my marriage the sex was very high too, and when he was cheating, it got even better because "3 minute man" actually cared if I had an orgasm. He was once again, the pursuer.....could he make another woman orgasm....that wasn't his wife. I do tend to think he was "practicing" on me.

 

The problem was "Wow!! He actually cares outside of those 3 minutes that I actually "get off".....then I just became demanding after 15 years of 3 minute "sex-capades". I do have to admit...in the 15 years my ex and I were together, he was better at sexually pleasing me when he was thinking about someone else.

 

Since my divorce....I tend to like the 3 hour man.

[xxoo]

I love your example, Sol, as it illustrates two ways communication can go given a single conflict. Relationships require a willingness and ability to view the situation from your partner's point of view, with compassion rather than defensiveness. You're supposed to be on the same team!

 

Personally, I don't understand complacency. I'm not insecure, but I strongly don't want my H to be one of those guys disparaging marriage or complaining about sex after marriage. I want my man to feel LUCKY. I want him to speak well of me and marriage. I want his peers to think, "Damn! Look at his wife!"

 

But a big reason I feel that way, I understand, is that he also treats me so well. He treats me like a "girlfriend". I feel like it sources with his drive and always did. That's just our dynamic.

[Nikki Sahagin]

"Perhaps"? Denying sex is the ultimate weapon women use in committed relationships.

 

I'm not talking about women who use sex as a weapon. I've never done that personally as I love sex too much.

 

I'm talking about women who feel emotionally disconnected/unloved and so don't want to have sex/make love. There is a difference. Not every woman withholds sex because she is punishing a man and is evil.

[Nikki Sahagin]

As I said, sexless relationships are a problem for both men and women.

 

From a man's perspective, the issue is when their sexless partner justifies their reasoning behind the lack of sex, and those justifications are enabled by other women. In essence, men feel like they have to jump through hoops, or as autumnnight eloquently put it, basically generate enough "marital capital" to exchange for sex.

 

As to why some men aren't having sex with their female partners, I'm genuinely curious. Did either of you find out why that was the case? Did they offer any justifications? Do you have any thoughts as to why they were like that? My curiosity is highly piqued.

 

I don't know why everyone has highjacked this thread and made it about sexless relationships. That is NOT what my post is about.

[toolforgrowth]

I don't know why everyone has highjacked this thread and made it about sexless relationships. That is NOT what my post is about.

 

It wasn't meant as a threadjack. I think it was meant as an argument that is in direct opposition to the premise that women maintain the relationship. As in, "wives/girlfriends who stop sleeping with their husbands/boyfriends are not maintaining the relationship, and thus this argument is invalid".

 

That's not to say there are no cases where women don't maintain the relationship all on their own. I'm sure there are. But men such as myself who had a sexless marriage experienced the exact opposite of what this thread describes; we are the ones who tried to maintain the relationship with no reciprocation whatsoever.

 

In a nutshell, your premise may be true some of the time, but it's not true all of the time.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I can understand that a man in a sexless marriage stops trying for different reasons. But the original post isn't about a woman who stops sleeping with her husband; I'm talking about otherwise happy relationships (sex wise too) where the man just stops trying.

 

It's also common for women to be settled with their man and regularly enjoying sex and the man suddenly stops wooing or doing the early things that used to make his partner feel special and connected because he 'has' her.

 

I also don't expect that a man should go as crazy as he did during the honeymoon/courting period; that's unrealistic. But a steady effort should be maintained and this has to be on both sides.

 

I've never experienced a flagging sex life in my relationships (only in my first and it was bf that went off it after 2 years but he was checking out of the relationship) so I can't really relate to it much. I think a healthy sex life reflects a healthy relationship. With a poor sex life, if the issue isn't medical or psychological in origin, I would think there was something fundamentally broken in the relationship or marriage.

[toolforgrowth]

I can understand that a man in a sexless marriage stops trying for different reasons. But the original post isn't about a woman who stops sleeping with her husband; I'm talking about otherwise happy relationships (sex wise too) where the man just stops trying.

 

It's also common for women to be settled with their man and regularly enjoying sex and the man suddenly stops wooing or doing the early things that used to make his partner feel special and connected because he 'has' her.

 

I also don't expect that a man should go as crazy as he did during the honeymoon/courting period; that's unrealistic. But a steady effort should be maintained and this has to be on both sides.

 

I've never experienced a flagging sex life in my relationships (only in my first and it was bf that went off it after 2 years but he was checking out of the relationship) so I can't really relate to it much. I think a healthy sex life reflects a healthy relationship. With a poor sex life, if the issue isn't medical or psychological in origin, I would think there was something fundamentally broken in the relationship or marriage.

 

Ahh, I gotcha. Thanks for the additional context.

 

Yes, I would agree with everything you say here. I'd take it a step further and say that both men and women can stop wooing. My xWW sure did. She knew she "had" me, and treated me like scum accordingly. It wasn't until I was moving forward with the divorce very quickly that she realized she was wrong.

 

By then it was too late.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no gender has the monopoly on doing what it takes to make a relationship work. Sometimes men fail at it, and sometimes women fail at it.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Ahh, I gotcha. Thanks for the additional context.

 

Yes, I would agree with everything you say here. I'd take it a step further and say that both men and women can stop wooing. My xWW sure did. She knew she "had" me, and treated me like scum accordingly. It wasn't until I was moving forward with the divorce very quickly that she realized she was wrong.

 

By then it was too late.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no gender has the monopoly on doing what it takes to make a relationship work. Sometimes men fail at it, and sometimes women fail at it.

 

You're very right. There is no monopoly on making a relationship work. It definitely takes two. I just sort of wanted to focus on this one phenomenon when a man specifically stops focusing because in my personal experiences, it seems to be quite common.

 

I've heard that if a woman allows herself to become too enmeshed with a man, he doesn't feel the need to try.

 

I think both men and women come to relationships with expectations. For instance, although I love and need sex in my relationship and that isn't an issue in my present relationship, I have larger expectations around my emotional needs.

 

I can take care of my own emotions but I like to feel desired, complimented, I need affection, touching, sex, to be taken out, to be left notes and given kisses and surprised and given presents.

 

I also try to do these things often for my partner.

 

But I really think it is these nuances of emotional connection that help women not just fall, but stay in love.

[toolforgrowth]

Regarding why men withdraw from their women and their relationship, i can only offer some guesses. Some of which could be the man's fault, and some of which could be the woman's fault.

 

In my case, I withdrew from my xWW quite a bit during our M. She nagged me constantly about everything, nothing I did was ever good enough, she got lazy and fat, and stopped having sex with me. My response was to withdraw into video games and to self medicate through marijuana.

 

Not exactly healthy choices, I know. That's on me, and I own those mistakes.

 

But her behavior pushed me into that state. She basically expected me to hand her everything on a silver platter without any effort or reciprocation on her part. How I chose to deal with her behavior was totally and completely unhealthy, and again, I own that. I would never suggest that what I did was good, or justify it for any reason. But I will always maintain that her behavior drove me to that depressed state; divorce didn't seem like an option to me, because I didn't want to tear my family apart or be financially eviscerated (although when she cheated, I didn't care about the financial part at that point. I wanted the b!tch out of my life, no matter the cost). So basically said "**** it" and decided to do my own thing.

 

Lesson learned for me: Stand up for myself and say "This is unacceptable, and the relationship will not continue under these circumstances". And actually have the gumption to follow through with those words if I'm pressed to do so.

 

I am in no way suggesting that every situation is like this. I'm just relating what my reasons were for withdrawing from my xWW and my M.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Regarding why men withdraw from their women and their relationship, i can only offer some guesses. Some of which could be the man's fault, and some of which could be the woman's fault.

 

In my case, I withdrew from my xWW quite a bit during our M. She nagged me constantly about everything, nothing I did was ever good enough, she got lazy and fat, and stopped having sex with me. My response was to withdraw into video games and to self medicate through marijuana.

 

Not exactly healthy choices, I know. That's on me, and I own those mistakes.

 

But her behavior pushed me into that state. She basically expected me to hand her everything on a silver platter without any effort or reciprocation on her part. How I chose to deal with her behavior was totally and completely unhealthy, and again, I own that. I would never suggest that what I did was good, or justify it for any reason. But I will always maintain that her behavior drove me to that depressed state; divorce didn't seem like an option to me, because I didn't want to tear my family apart or be financially eviscerated (although when she cheated, I didn't care about the financial part at that point. I wanted the b!tch out of my life, no matter the cost). So basically said "**** it" and decided to do my own thing.

 

Lesson learned for me: Stand up for myself and say "This is unacceptable, and the relationship will not continue under these circumstances". And actually have the gumption to follow through with those words if I'm pressed to do so.

 

I am in no way suggesting that every situation is like this. I'm just relating what my reasons were for withdrawing from my xWW and my M.

 

Thanks for sharing your story toolforgrowth

[Shining One]

When I move from the dating to the relationship phase, things like chocolate and flowers get replaced by other things like vacations. It's simply a reallocation of funds.

[Nikki Sahagin]

When I move from the dating to the relationship phase, things like chocolate and flowers get replaced by other things like vacations. It's simply a reallocation of funds.

 

That's good because your effort is still there, it's just evolved with the relationship. Some people let their relationships become like groundhog day.