Lost interest in dating completely. How do I take 'a break' w/o ending up a catlady?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

[Note: most of what’s written below is just a rant so feel free to bypass it and simply reply to the title question.]

 

At any rate, as the title says, I’ve lost interest in dating. I’ve been going out with a couple different guys intermittently for a while now but I just don’t care anymore. I’m not sad or depressed or feeling hopeless and giving up; I just have zero interest in dating whatsoever. I’m bored, I’m tired, I’m unimpressed by a majority of the guys I encounter and am completely unmotivated to do anything that even resembles having to put in the work or send out the signals I’m interested…because I’m not anymore.

 

I got a text from a guy I was previously really, really into inviting me out both tonight and to a music festival in a few weeks that he knew I was really excited about. I glanced at the text, set my phone down and went back to my book (the ASOIAF series is great BTW). Not one bone in my body could even be bothered to reply. I’m supposed to go out to dinner with another guy tomorrow and I’ve been thinking of cancelling for days now and barring that, changing the venue to a cheap cantina so I don’t have to get dressed up.

 

I think I’ve been feeling like this for a while now but only recently came to terms with it when I realized how my behavior/demeanor has changed as of late. Someone recently brought it to my attention I’d been saying some pretty off-the-wall stuff and I realized it was because I had no interest in trying to impress them.

 

As I said, I’ve been grappling with diminished interest for a while but one of the biggest motivators for my continuing to flirt, say yes to dates, etc was that I felt it was important to maintain sort of presence on the dating scene. But now it feels like it’s doing more harm than good. Like I said, I’m bored. I can’t even muster the desire to feign being interested…or interesting so in the end, I feel like I’m basically wasting the time of otherwise perfectly decent guys for the sake of staying sharp…ish, which my rational brain knows is both silly and unfair.

 

Still, I worry (perhaps irrationally) that somehow I’ll find myself six or nine months down the line acting awkward and completely unaware of how to function in terms of being ‘single and looking’ and, well, rusty I guess. Basically, I guess my question/dilemma is how the hell do I sort of check out while still staying somewhat plugged in? Or do I just keep going along as I have been and date though whatever this is in the hopes that some guy miraculously comes along who changes my mindset or something or do I just take the plunge and go full…WGTOW?

[Buddhist]

Take a break. Just don't buy a cat. I have no idea what you mean by being out of the loop or rusty. It's not as if all social skills will disappear overnight if you no longer accept dates. I'm reasonably certain you have other reasons to interact with people.

[writergal]

Hey, not every single woman with a cat is undateable. *ahem* For christ sake, that stereotype of the crazy cat lady needs to be put to rest because there are plenty of petless crazy ladies out there.

 

That said, I think dating does become a chore for smart people who tend to focus their lives on career or personal achievements. Dating to some, feels like a chore, because it comes across as a distraction...a nuisance almost.

 

Because, you want to attract someone just as smart, just as driven as you are who has the same goals as you do in life. By virtue of being smart, you pretty much have crossed off a TON of relationship candidates.

 

So...take a break from dating for a while, until you feel ready to take it seriously again.

[Maleficent]

Yeah I lost interest in dating a while back. I'm almost always out and about because I have a lot of activities. So losing social skills is not an issue lol

 

You can totally get a cat ( just one!)

[LookAtThisPOst]

I do wholeheartedly concur, and I'm to surmise that this likely all came from online dating as opposed to real life social gatherings through social circles...yes?

 

It's interesting as now I can see why I see the constant presence of perpetually single women signed into OK Cupid/POF for the past few years only to still wind up a permanent fixture of the site (and not getting out of the house).

 

Not your fault I suppose, but this may even be attributed to the reclusivity of the single woman, sitting behind the keyboard or even turning down "Girls Night Out" when her more eager girlfriends try to drag her out of her apartment. lol

 

But I can understand why the motivation may not even be there anymore, as with online dating you have a full inbox and this situation can seem more like chore than an even remotely pleasurable experience. Its as if the empathy is easily removed from behind the computer screen.

 

You might want to do what I do. I'm "unplugging myself" from the world of online dating for a weekend out with a small group of friends on the coast, I put a hold on a room out there to do some kayaking and taking in the scenery. Enjoying the activity and not concerning myself with online dating.

 

[Note: most of what’s written below is just a rant so feel free to bypass it and simply reply to the title question.]

 

At any rate, as the title says, I’ve lost interest in dating. I’ve been going out with a couple different guys intermittently for a while now but I just don’t care anymore. I’m not sad or depressed or feeling hopeless and giving up; I just have zero interest in dating whatsoever. I’m bored, I’m tired, I’m unimpressed by a majority of the guys I encounter and am completely unmotivated to do anything that even resembles having to put in the work or send out the signals I’m interested…because I’m not anymore.

 

I got a text from a guy I was previously really, really into inviting me out both tonight and to a music festival in a few weeks that he knew I was really excited about. I glanced at the text, set my phone down and went back to my book (the ASOIAF series is great BTW). Not one bone in my body could even be bothered to reply. I’m supposed to go out to dinner with another guy tomorrow and I’ve been thinking of cancelling for days now and barring that, changing the venue to a cheap cantina so I don’t have to get dressed up.

 

I think I’ve been feeling like this for a while now but only recently came to terms with it when I realized how my behavior/demeanor has changed as of late. Someone recently brought it to my attention I’d been saying some pretty off-the-wall stuff and I realized it was because I had no interest in trying to impress them.

 

As I said, I’ve been grappling with diminished interest for a while but one of the biggest motivators for my continuing to flirt, say yes to dates, etc was that I felt it was important to maintain sort of presence on the dating scene. But now it feels like it’s doing more harm than good. Like I said, I’m bored. I can’t even muster the desire to feign being interested…or interesting so in the end, I feel like I’m basically wasting the time of otherwise perfectly decent guys for the sake of staying sharp…ish, which my rational brain knows is both silly and unfair.

 

Still, I worry (perhaps irrationally) that somehow I’ll find myself six or nine months down the line acting awkward and completely unaware of how to function in terms of being ‘single and looking’ and, well, rusty I guess. Basically, I guess my question/dilemma is how the hell do I sort of check out while still staying somewhat plugged in? Or do I just keep going along as I have been and date though whatever this is in the hopes that some guy miraculously comes along who changes my mindset or something or do I just take the plunge and go full…WGTOW?

[writergal]

Yeah, you won't lose your dating social skills just because you take a break from dating. It's like riding a bicycle (tired analogy I know). Once you learn how to ride a bike, you never forget. Unless you've never been on a date or in a relationship, it's impossible to lose your dating edge during a dating hiatus.

[salparadise]

Eeek- don't get a cat!!!

 

I am at a low point on dating right now too. I don't know exactly why. You seem to have thought it through more.

 

It's hard to find enthusiasm in myself, and it's hard to inspire enthusiasm in women... and they expect to be woo'd and pursued for the mere possibility. Nah, let'em sit at home and do that passive routine.

 

I just turned down a nice woman who asked me out. I told her it was because she lives too far away, which it true in a sense. Of course if I were at the top of the cycle it wouldn't be too far.

 

I keep trying to figure out if it's because of my last relationship (most of 2014) and the way she was, or if it's just a rational lowering of expectations and enthusiasm.

[neowulf]

+1 OP.

 

Feeling seriously burnt out on trying to find a long term relationship.

 

Feels like some how it *shouldn't* be this difficult...

[MGX]

When something isn't working for you, it's best to walk away. Good luck.

[Moy]

I've just had the same epiphany. I'm spoiling myself rotten at the moment (not with money) being kinder to myself, now that I've suddenly been freed of the need for validation by having somebody on my arm.

[Haydn]

Hydra you won't lose your skills! Have a bit of down time but keep your edge;)

[Gary S]

Well, it's always better to be single than to be in a bad relationship. That's right, that crazy-7 cat lady thing may not be so bad after all

 

On the other hand, if you can find it, going through life in love can be a lot of fun!

 

Instead of dating just for practice, or dating warm bodies, why not try to look for a guy you are attracted to and can fall for? If you don't feel a spark on date one, why continue, why gamble on a horse that won't run?

[armor]

Don't date multiple people guys then. I'm not surprised. Date 1 and if you don't like him stop dating him

[Auspecial]

For me, when I have felt this way, I give myself a break and don't worry about it, because the feeling always eventually passes, and I always have hope.

[gaius]

As long as you keep yourself out there where you can be found you'll probably be ok. In fact, most likely better off. End up attracting guys who are into you, not the eager to please version of you. That involve themselves with you for more than just the ego stroke of knowing you're interested.

[carhill]

OP, I can empathize with your quandary since, even if you 'lost interest' and take yourself out of the dating marketplace, you're still going to be asked on dates by men, constantly interrupting the peace you've chosen. Generally, men have no such issues. We simply disappear to that peaceful place without interruption. That's been my experience anyway.

 

IMO, to avoid stereotypical 'catlady' anti-social behavioral sets, accept that once in awhile one will be hit on or approached and continue to socialize with regularity, focusing on personal pursuits, friends and family. Enjoy occasional flirtations and let them go. I do this a lot while traveling since I know I won't see the people ever again. I don't care about their relationship status since I'm not looking for sexual interludes or a relationship, simply social interaction. It works pretty well.

[Gaeta]

When I feel that way I take a real break. I take down my profiles and say good bye to the few contacts I felt luckywarm about. There are others things in life than dating and romance. I concentrate on other things and It doesn't take long I get motivated again to go back and search for the one.

 

See if you want to find someone it's important to feel motivated and to believe in it. At this time everyone you meet can feel you've lost hope and are doing this out of a habit. Because of your state of mind you risk overlooking someone that would have been a terrific partner.

 

So get a real break, it won't last 9 months. If you completely stop the searching and the dating your motivation will come back faster. Last time I took a break it lasted 4 months and it did me a lot of good.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I do wholeheartedly concur, and I'm to surmise that this likely all came from online dating as opposed to real life social gatherings through social circles...yes?

 

 

Actually no, I don't use OLD.

[Anela]

If other people want to project onto a single woman with pets, that's their problem.

 

Going by what I know of you from here, I doubt you will ever have that problem. Feelings can change so quickly, under the right circumstances.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

When I feel that way I take a real break. I take down my profiles and say good bye to the few contacts I felt lukewarm about. There are others things in life than dating and romance. I concentrate on other things and It doesn't take long I get motivated again to go back and search for the one.

 

See if you want to find someone it's important to feel motivated and to believe in it. At this time everyone you meet can feel you've lost hope and are doing this out of a habit. Because of your state of mind you risk overlooking someone that would have been a terrific partner.

 

So get a real break, it won't last 9 months. If you completely stop the searching and the dating your motivation will come back faster. Last time I took a break it lasted 4 months and it did me a lot of good.

 

Thank you. The part in bold is one of the biggest issues for me right now, well said! Fingers crossed about the desire coming back faster though.

 

As long as you keep yourself out there where you can be found you'll probably be ok. In fact, most likely better off. End up attracting guys who are into you, not the eager to please version of you. That involve themselves with you for more than just the ego stroke of knowing you're interested.

 

I cannot like this enough. I think you might have found the problem.

 

Don't date multiple people guys then. I'm not surprised. Date 1 and if you don't like him stop dating him

 

BTDT, it makes little difference. And besides, these were date, dates, not realtionships and spread out over time.

 

Yeah I lost interest in dating a while back. I'm almost always out and about because I have a lot of activities. So losing social skills is not an issue lol

 

You can totally get a cat ( just one!)

 

Buy a cat they said, just one! they said...

[contact1]

On a slightly related note, I noticed in another thread that a fairly large number of the women on this site do own a cat. Maybe there is a correlation between cats and struggling in love

 

Having one or a few is fine, it's when you get into the double digits when it would be a problem imo.

[fitnessfan365]

Just delete your dating profiles and invest time in yourself. Get a few new hobbies and check things off your bucket list. If you're not already working out regularly, invest time in your health and fitness.

 

I really cared about my last GF. So it took me a year to fully get over her. In that time, I just avoided dating completely and focused on myself. Then when I was ready to start dating again, I put up new profiles.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I feel the same. Dating is a huge chore. I forced myself to get out and date in the last few months and I constantly kept looking forward to evenings when I didn't have a date. I also took shortcuts..like I don't need to apply mascara, who cares. Or I washed my hair 3 days ago...it's clean enough.

 

I sometimes think I only push myself to date because society makes it feel like being single is the worst thing in the world.

[Maleficent]

 

 

 

Buy a cat they said, just one! they said...

 

Omg they're do cute!

 

I want them all! See? Problem solver right here

[MidwestUSA]

I just turned down a nice woman who asked me out. I told her it was because she lives too far away, which it true in a sense. Of course if I were at the top of the cycle it wouldn't be too far.

 

It was my cat, wasn't it?

 

Come on, I can handle the truth.