PinkCarnations Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 (edited) So my former FWB has been showing me signs that I'm in a relationship with him. Right now, he's out of the country for work (military), and I haven't seen him in half a year. But over Valentine's Day, he sent me a bouquet of roses (cost about $100), and he would allude to future things we'd do together - "we should re-do Valentine's Day next year" (since he was away this year) and "you'll get a new year's midnight kiss next time." When I told him I'm moving away for work in a different city, he said "so.. It's only 1.5 hours away" (really, it's more like 2 hours but he's convinced he can speed through traffic). He also volunteered to help me move. He also mentioned taking me to visit his hometown and playing with his family dogs at his parent's house. Then he said his best friend from undergrad is moving to our city, and that I should meet him and his other friends in the military soon... Oh, and he told me "Love you" twice. Granted, it wasn't a clear "I love you" but more of a "love you, sleep tight." or "I gotta go now. Love you." Does this mean I'm his girlfriend, or does he need to officially ask me? Because he hasn't. My friend told me not to deactivate my online dating account until I'm truly off the market. I haven't had a guy asked me to be their girlfriend in a very LONG time. My love life for the past couple of years has been a roller coaster of unofficial boyfriends and casual flings. Do guys even ask girls to be their official girlfriends anymore or is it understood? Seems like it was bigger issue in middle school & high school. I should probably just ask him directly, but every relationship article I've ever read has advised me to not scare off guys by asking where the relationship is going and trying to put a label on things.. Do you guys know what's a good way to ask him if I'm his girlfriend without sounding insecure or looking like I'm nagging about our title? Originally, i was going to wait until he comes back (in 2 months), but I kinda want an answer because all my friends have been asking me who sent me the flowers, etc. Also, some pretty cute guys have asked me out lately, and I'm just not sure if I'm single or in a weird pseudo-relationship.. Other notes: I have not returned any "love you's" but I am generally sweet to him and send him thoughtful care packages. Edited March 14, 2015 by PinkCarnations Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 I think it's best to never assume that you are a guys girlfriend, especially if you have previously been in a casual sexual relationship. If things are not official a man may think it's perfectly acceptable to sleep with other women. Why not just ask him directly? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkCarnations Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 I think it's best to never assume that you are a guys girlfriend, especially if you have previously been in a casual sexual relationship. If things are not official a man may think it's perfectly acceptable to sleep with other women. Why not just ask him directly? Ok, so just randomly out of the blue, say "hey.. do you see me as your girlfriend?" As a guy, would you get turned off by a girl asking that? Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Ok, so just randomly out of the blue, say "hey.. do you see me as your girlfriend?" As a guy, would you get turned off by a girl asking that? There are a bunch of ways to ask if you're his girlfriend. Though most of what I can think of does sound like it's kind of out of the blue. But there really isn't anything wrong with that. If a guy loves you, then he absolutely won't get turned off by the question. He should quickly reply back with something like "Yeah baby, of course you are." Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Never mind........ Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Assume nothing has always been a very good policy. Go out on those dates with cute guys. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
adiamond Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 For me, I waited until he started saying the word girlfriend. Then I asked him if I was his girlfriend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Ask. Assumptions aren't reliable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 I think if I were you I'd just keep dating other guys. He has not asked you for exclusivity, and that is up to him. He didn't really flinch when you said you were moving farther away and a lot of guys would be freaking out and saying Would she do that if she loved me? Until he asks you to be exclusive, you keep dating other guys. If he's not dating other girls, it's only because he's military. He may be seeing prostitutes in every port for all you know, especially considering he had you in FWB mode so you know that's what he likes. Also, guys do get sentimental and lonely in the military. If he were in town and not isolated like that somewhere, it might be a completely different story. Keep dating until he asks you to be exclusive. As to asking him, I wouldn't because given his situation of being isolated in the military, what does he have to lose by saying "sure we're exclusive"? What would he be sacrificing? Nothing. You'd never know if he was screwing around or not. And yet, you'd be volunteering not to for no reason. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PumpkinLumpkin Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Do not ask anything. Continue doing what you are doing. Why spoil the natural progression of things by assigning meaning to every little thing? I completely understand our need to do that because I panic and do it all the time, but relationships grow so much healthier when we live in the present and appreciate who we have in the moment instead of projecting what things might mean. And keep dating. It is good to compare and will give you a fair and honest viewpoint of people's actions and what you like and don't like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 Do not ask anything. Continue doing what you are doing. Why spoil the natural progression of things by assigning meaning to every little thing? Oh lordy...where have you been? I thought I stood alone on that.... my sentiments exactly! Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkCarnations Posted March 15, 2015 Author Share Posted March 15, 2015 (edited) Aw too late guys. I already asked him straight up, "do u think of me as your gf?" He replied, "at this point, yeah. Do u see it that way?" Kind of a wishy washy answer but I haven't had a chance to probe further. Maybe I turned him off by forcing a label on things.. Idk. Regarding him being overseas in the military at the moment being a factor.. When he first left, I talked to him more as a friend and would ask if there were cute girls on the ship and that he should talk to them. He said he will definitely not hook up with anyone on the ship because of the military's strict no fraternization policy and moreover, "it's especially not tolerated among officers." he also said he would never have sex with a hooker plus he texts me a lot during his port trips almost to the point where I know everything he's doing. I feel guilty if I flirt or talk to other guys because I feel like he really likes me and would be really mad if he found out I was talking to people other than him. That's why I wanted to know for sure if I'm his girlfriend or not. Sometimes I think he likes me more than I like him.. But oh well If it turns out that he's just using me to cure his lonely nights, then I'll find out when he gets back. i really have nothing to lose, well.. except time I could be spending with a better guy. But hey, thats just how dating is I guess. Thanks for all the comments and advice! Edited March 15, 2015 by PinkCarnations Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 Ok, so just randomly out of the blue, say "hey.. do you see me as your girlfriend?" As a guy, would you get turned off by a girl asking that? You simply state that you enjoy being with him and cite some things you like about him and the relationship in general. Then you tell him that you want to have a committed, long-term relationship with someone. Don't say specifically with him and then let him talk. Be prepared for him to tell you that he is content with the FWB arrangement you have and doesn't want a relationship. However, you may be pleasantly surprised to hear him say that he does want a relationship with you. It is not about turning the guy off. If he tells you he doesn't want a relationship, it won't be because you've addressed this issue with him. It will be that he simply didn't want to have a relationship. Approaching the subject isn't going to change what he is already thinking. In other words, if he's thinking it's a relationship or wants a relationship, approaching the subject won't make him think "hey, she asked about this so now I don't want that". Either he does or he doesn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 (edited) Women set the pace of the relationship early on. You should be the one to ask about exclusivity. Most guys wont ask otherwise, because we don't want to move things faster than the woman wants. EDIT: Read your update. He is basically saying that he wants to be exclusive with you, but wants to make sure you're both on the same page. He's probably wondering why you haven't just come out and asked him to be exclusive. Edited March 16, 2015 by barcode88 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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