Letting Him Go Be A Father

[notoi4u]

After 12 years apart, my ex-husband with whom I have two sons and I reconciled. I live in TX so he moved from Philly to be with us. During our years apart, life did not pause. He now has 4 more children in Philly.

 

His commitment to being a father to all of his kids is there. While living in Tx, he takes frequent trips to visit and maintains contact when he is not there. The move to TX has also helped him maintain sobriety from an addiction to drugs - not one relapse in over 4 years which is a superhuman feat for him in Philly where a huge upset causes almost immediate relapse.

 

In 2014, he decided to go back to Philly for a couple of months to handle some issues with the children. This turned out to be a 6 month stay.

 

In month 6, I really began to look at our relationship and decided that he may better serve his children by staying put. He did not want to stay and talked of our future together and discussed us getting remarried. Upon hearing this level of commitment, and with what I thought was a sign from the Almighty, he returned to TX.

 

About a month after his return, he learned that the youngest child has some heart issues that require medical attention. He has flown back to attend doctors appointments and for testing. I wholly support this and of course, want to see the child given the best medical and fatherly support as possible.

 

We are in month six of his return and a week ago, he decided that he needs to return to Philly for an undetermined amount of time. His focus remains to support his child because the mother is, shall we say, less than proactive about getting appts scheduled and taking the child to the appts.

 

Now, let me say again, that I wholly support him being a father. So much so that last night I told him that we should stop trying to make us work and he should move back permanently to be a father. This has nothing to do with a loss of love for him. Even as I spoke the words and tried to look encouraging on the outside, my insides felt like a building undergoing demolition.

 

His response to me is "let God be God" and have hope. Now here is where I'll admit to some selfishness, but only a little (smile). His response is all well and good but I have a life too. I am responsible for caring for my own spirit and well being. He is worth the wait if I knew he was returning but he has made no promises despite my asking the question point blank. He just tells me to trust God. I understand his focus on the child but I am looking for some reassurance from him. Am I asking too much?

 

He is returning to Philly tomorrow at 4AM. I am on the fence about breaking it off permanently. I lost my 40 year old cousin right after Xmas as she gave birth to her first child. It struck home that life can be cut short and that tomorrow is not promised so i may be super sensitive about time right now.

 

Oh, and let me say that moving to Philly is not really an option for me. Once I moved to TX with our two sons, my mother and brother soon followed and currently live with me.

 

Please share your thoughts. Also, should I follow the no contact rules if I do decide to end it or should I be available to support him through the medical treatment and try to remain just his friend?

Edited March 13, 2015 by notoi4u

[Ruby65]

I think this is a complicated situation and there's no easy answers here.

 

No Contact is pretty hard when there's kids involved. I've stayed good friends with my ex-H for our son's sake, but you'll probably need a period of less contact (or contact only about your shared kids) for a period of time while you recover from the breakup, IF you decide to break up.

 

I'm wondering why you two haven't remarried? Would you feel easier about his spending this time in Philly if you were married and there was that renewed commitment between you? As it stands now, the lack of that firm promise seems like it could tip the scales one way or the other.

 

Do you feel you could easily move past this and be happy on your own or with another relationship? It might be worth it to start fresh with someone who can commit to being a fulltime partner and step-parent.

[notoi4u]

Thank you for your response! I don't think it will be easy to move on but I think I need to be open to other possibilities. Maybe this was meant to be short term, if we want to call 4 years that.

 

I know I'll come to my strength point as I did in 2014 when I decided to move on. I really think he is worth some wait but I don't want to be in a cycle of endless waiting or over commitment. I think I should let life happen and not miss a potential life partner because I'm on an undetermined waiting period with him. So, I'm wondering if I should give myself a deadline to determine if I'm in or out of this relationship or if I should just let go and let God.

 

If we were married, I think I'd be in another headspace about all of this and the fact that we are not gives me great pause. You are correct, this is very complicated and not easy to maneuver emotionally.

 

I really appreciate you taking the time to responsd as it gave me some things to think about.