How do you set 'healthy boundaries'?

[delet3r]

I am having an issue with my family mostly, about 'getting angry that someone disagrees with me' and when it's ok to tell someone to back off.

 

I have a lot of friction with both my parents. They are both pretty outspoken about something I do in my life, if they feel it is important. And they do not phrase things in a way that makes their advice come across as advice, it comes across as demanding and them just telling me what to do.

 

quick examples: I didn't want to spank my kids, any time it is brought up with my mother, she would get so irritated she would look like she was hyperventilating, she would look angry, and although she would try to restrain herself, she would end up telling me I was wrong and often would just get up and leave in frustration. I would try to explain why i felt that authoritative parenting was better than authoritarian parenting, and offer evidence that I had found online as to why spanking a kid was not healthy. My mother got upset this last christmas because my son burped and we didn't tell him to say 'excuse me' (it was christmas dinner, we didnt notice, we normally do) and ended up, in front of the rest of the family, demanding my son say excuse me, in my own home. To me this is not acceptable.

My dad, after finding out i was an atheist, told me that 'hitler and stalin were atheists' and that I "couldnt be an atheist anyway, because you're a good person and to be a good person you have to believe in god".

 

There are other examples, those are just two large ones.

 

After being in a marriage for 15 years where I let my wife walk all over me (and had my father berate me recently for putting up with her doing it) and going to a counselor, I was told about 'co dependancy'. While I don't completely fit the description, I definitely have tendencies. One of the things I noticed was 'not setting healthy boundaries'.

I think there is a connection between my family telling me what to do, and me ending up in a marriage that was the same way. My wife would jsut hand me something she was frustrated with and say 'here you do this'... and i would. Finally it hit me...why was i taking this? I wouldn't take it from friends, why did I deal with this? My counselor said that people get into patterns of relationships, starting iwth parents. So it makes sense that I dealt with my wife ordering me around, when I grew up not being encouraged to have my own opinion.

 

So what does 'establishing heealthy boundaries mean'? After talking to my sister about this, she said that my mother is '65 years old and is not oing to change, and neither is dad' so I should just let it go, like she does.

My thought is that while 'boundaries' are flexible, if someone is raising their voice and telling you what you should do (my mother did this just the other day, with respect to my divorce) then there is NO reason to not set a boundary there.

 

I obviously was not raised in a way that this is natural to me though, so I am looking for advice on how to do this. What does it mean to people here, to set 'healthy boundaries'? A perfect example was that I said the first counselor i talked to was 'not a good counselor' and my mother and sister... who had seen her and liked her... got upset with me. "To say she is not a good counselor means we are wrong for thinking she is a good counselor, and that's offensive". So it seems they set boundaries, but I am not supposed to. On the other hand... why does my opinion have to upset them? Aren't we entitled to our own opinions? When does an opinion cross a boundary?

 

The older I get, the more confusing this gets, for some reason.

Edited March 13, 2015 by delet3r

[whichwayisup]

I know it's soooooooo hard, but do your best not to react. They think they know better no matter what you say, it won't change their minds. The only thing you have control over is how you react to them and how you handle it (internally too). I totally understand where you're coming from though!

 

There are ways of subtlety setting up those boundaries, either say something directly (spanking) ; "mom/dad, thanks for your thoughts but that's not how I prefer to handle things in my household." Then change the subject quickly and don't give them an opportunity to bring the conversation back to spanking. If they do bring it up, you can tell them that you don't run your life by them and don't need their approval. Depending of course how it escalates, you can defuse by not reacting - they your parents and you're still their kid, (LOL) it's tough sometimes NOT to react like a child when they treat you like one. I've had some interesting situations with my mom --- That's a whole other thread for another time.

 

You can work with your wife, always remember stuff comes from love and a good place from her, it's easy to react (Parent/child dynamic) when a spouse demands or commands... Talking to her about it, reminding her gently that is your wife and your equal will go a long way.

[Arieswoman]

delet3r,

I can sympathise with your situation having been brought up with a father who was a disciplinarian and a mother who was overbearing and intrusive.

 

This may help ;-

 

10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries | Psych Central

 

I would suggest that you engage in some assertiveness training which will enable you to maintain your boundaries and encourage others to treat you respectfully.

 

Good luck.