Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I've always wanted to be friends with my ex. That seems to be the mature thing to do. I think we could be awesome friends. We use to have a back and forth toxic relationship but that was 12 years ago. I know an ex girlfriend of his is his friend, and even though she's married and has a baby I often want what she has a friendship with an ex. I'd imagine it would be massively healing. I've just started dating someone. I'm really happy. Finally after all these years of dating creepy control freaks and players I've met someone whose normal. First time in 12 years. I think because the feelings are reciprocal this time and no one is feeling shafted I'm expecting great things. He's also been single since 2007 so he understands long term singleness and the struggles of it so we both have that in common. I just wish my ex and I were friends, not best friends, not emailing or anything just cool with one another. I'm tempted to reach out to him but then i think maybe i should wait until I'm in a secure partnership before I do that? Is anyone friends with their ex and has any advice to give?
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Honestly it depends on the EX and reason for breakup. Not all exes are made to be friends.
Gaeta Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 (edited) I don't understand why you take at heart being friends with him? He has not been in your life for 12 years so you've been doing fine without his friendship. Also you just met a new man why are you spending time thinking about an ex? I am friends with a couple of ex but they were short lived relationships. No bitterness, not unsolved issues, no broken heart between us. We dated a couple of months, it didn't work and we ended up better friends than gf/bf. I would not want to be friends with someone I was once deeply in love with. Why risk opening up old wounds or reviving old feelings? and I find it's bad taste when you have a new awesome guy in your life. Edited March 13, 2015 by Gaeta 3
callingyouuu Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I think we could be awesome friends. ... I just wish my ex and I were friends, not best friends, not emailing or anything just cool with one another. These two sound like different goals to me. I'm concerned that you don't really know what you're looking for in rekindling a friendship with your ex. I would not want to be friends with someone I was once deeply in love with. Why risk opening up old wounds or reviving old feelings? and I find it's bad taste when you have a new awesome guy in your life. +1
Buddhist Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Never been friends with an ex and really don't understand the desire for it. Massively healing? How exactly? You can heal from past abuse on your own it doesn't need your abuser in the background to do that. I just don't get why anyone wants to drag their past along with them into their future. Your post sounds really needy, but what need I'm not sure. 2
writergal Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I've always wanted to be friends with my ex. That seems to be the mature thing to do. I think we could be awesome friends. We use to have a back and forth toxic relationship but that was 12 years ago. I know an ex girlfriend of his is his friend, and even though she's married and has a baby I often want what she has a friendship with an ex. I'd imagine it would be massively healing. I've just started dating someone. I'm really happy. Finally after all these years of dating creepy control freaks and players I've met someone whose normal. First time in 12 years. I think because the feelings are reciprocal this time and no one is feeling shafted I'm expecting great things. He's also been single since 2007 so he understands long term singleness and the struggles of it so we both have that in common. I just wish my ex and I were friends, not best friends, not emailing or anything just cool with one another. I'm tempted to reach out to him but then i think maybe i should wait until I'm in a secure partnership before I do that? Is anyone friends with their ex and has any advice to give? Why would you need to reach out to your ex-boyfriend when you've finally started dating someone who you really like, who really likes you? Noooo don't do it!!! Romantic nostalgia is as poisonous to the ego as a blow dart fish is to an inexperienced sushi chef. There's no reason why you need to be "cool" with your ex, or he with you. You've both moved on, right? So leave the past alone...unless you own a DoLorean time machine and can generate 1.21 gigawatts with enough household waste to travel through the space-time continuum. Leave the past behind, but learn from it. You need to let go of who you are, to become who you will be.
xxoo Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I'd imagine it would be massively healing. I've just started dating someone. I'm really happy. Healing how? If you are finally happy, what needs healing? Is it that you want to prove something to him? Vindicate yourself somehow by having him see that you are happy? 1
Gaeta Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Usually when you start a new relationship and you feel the urge to reach an ex it's because something in you isn't over and you want to reach out to that ex to make sure it's really really dead and over with him. I believe you have unsolved business with that ex.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Could it be that you want to reach out to your ex to become friends with him after TWELVE long years because...you want him to know that you're finally happy with someone new? Even if that's not the reason, I just don't see why you'd want to be friends with him NOW; I mean, you've had over a decade to reach out to him. It could be risky doing this now...you''ve finally met a good guy who makes you happy and you've obviously moved on with your life (and your ex has moved on with his). Making contact with him at this time could jeopardize the new romance you have as well as peeling off old scabs that have long since healed. .
stillafool Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 Yeah Darkmoon, that's what I'm thinking. I'm sure his gf doesn't want you contacting her man and I doubt your new bf will be too keen on it either. Since you spent 12 years being mistreated by your ex why on earth do you need to become his friend? Just let sleeping dogs lie. You both have moved on and it is best that way.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted March 14, 2015 Author Posted March 14, 2015 I just want to be friends as that's the mature thing to do. And one of his ex is his friends and I think why not us to. Perhaps there is part of me that wants him to see that I'm happy and I'm doing well.
inpeices Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 Usually when you start a new relationship and you feel the urge to reach an ex it's because something in you isn't over and you want to reach out to that ex to make sure it's really really dead and over with him. I believe you have unsolved business with that ex. I think Gaeta may have a very valid point here.. If you had been friends all along and met someone new then that is different I believe to finding a potential new partner and then re-introducing an ex into your life whom you have managed well without all this time.. I can tell you for a fact, when you date someone and find out they are still connected to an ex, it poses threat and makes the other person feel uneasy at best or downright insecure and jealous to almost turning that person off you totally. It could also invoke stalker behaviour depending on the individual's personality, history and how much they feel for you. I have been dating someone for two months who still co-habits with their ex of 11yrs. I have had to deal with the feelings and emotions this invoked in me, the insecurities, the 'blind trust' that all I am told is the truth.. It was very hard initially, and I have kept it all to myself, but it has helped me enormously to know my own self-worth and reason that if it is all nonsense, then it is their loss not mine..we are seeing one another very frequently on every available date we can and making future dates together. They have done everything to prove their situation is as said and I am going with that. Actions speak louder than words! To know they will be going surfing together in April and sharing accomodation, just the two of them..no it wasn't a pleasant bit of news, but sometimes you have to let them go and do their thing, and have confidence in yourself that you are top girl or guy in the situation. Of course I am older, wiser and have some wisdom now..each case is individual. I had a 12yr relationship, we have been split 3yrs, we are still in contact periodically and we are going to a concert in July. New date knows this, If they didn't want me to go, I wouldn't. BUT, given they have set the precedent for contact with ex's and we are both dating exclusively, and all 'feels' right on an instinct level, I see no reason why being friends with an ex is problematic. My last ex (2yrs) I can never be friends with and that is very sad. They were abusive and continue to stalk and harass me. So platonic ex vs psycho ex... I'd choose the friends with ex everytime! Shows nothing too bad must of happened, which shows to me, the new person you are seeing isn't a nutter! Just a few words. Hope it helps x
Gaeta Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I just want to be friends as that's the mature thing to do. And one of his ex is his friends and I think why not us to. Perhaps there is part of me that wants him to see that I'm happy and I'm doing well. You are jealous! He is friends with another ex but not you? The mature thing to do ? In who's world ? You don't have children with this man, you don't work together, there is no point of maintaining a friendship with him. I think you are lying to us about what really motivates you to get back in touch with him. Also, I see many threads where you spoke about dating the wrong men, about wondering if you will ever find someone and now that you did find someone you want to sabotage it? How would you feel if your new guy decided to get back in touch with a long gone ex? I bet you, you would feel like you are not woman enough to keep his full attention.
darkmoon Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I just want to be friends as that's the mature thing to do. And one of his ex is his friends and I think why not us to. Perhaps there is part of me that wants him to see that I'm happy and I'm doing well. and then what?
Mangina Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 if you are just getting settled into a relationship with a guy that you really like, why on earth would you go out of your way to ruin it by contacting an old flame? It might be a defense mechanism. She is not over her ex and looking to sabotage the new relationship. If I am wrong, this is not a good way to impress the new guy 3
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 I just want to be friends as that's the mature thing to do. And one of his ex is his friends and I think why not us to. Perhaps there is part of me that wants him to see that I'm happy and I'm doing well. I knew I was on the right track with my initial post. He doesn't care whether you're happy or not; he has a GIRLFRIEND now. . 1
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