Boyfriend is acting weird and I'm not sure where to go from here.

March 13, 2015

I spent 4 days with my boyfriend of 5 months. They consisted of dates or attending a social event together, followed by sleeping over. We spent most of Sat together. It was the first time we spent that much time together but it was usually HIS idea. On the 4th day(mon), he encouraged me to attend a social event with him. He was telling our aqaintances funny jokes I had made and seemed to be proud of me and showing me off.

On the walk home, he acted agitated off and on. For example, he was annoyed because I asked him how he wanted his door locked. There are multiple locks and it was my first time doing it. He said all irritated,"One goes this way, the other goes that way." I said,"I just wanted to know if you want the chain on." He admitted he was grouchy, and said maybe we were spending too much time together. His mood improved, but during sex later, he covered my mouth. I immediately removed it. It wasn't forceful but it caught me by surprise. We had only ever talked about mild rough play like hair pulling. He rolled over, seemed weird, and was noticably less affectionate the next morning.

I was under the impression that he was embarrassed. We normally talk frequently , but he didn't initiate contact for 3 whole days I didn't initiate because of his comment that we were spending too much time together. Thought I would give him space. 3rd day, I wrote,"I haven't heard from you in a while, are you okay?" He said,"I haven't heard from you too. I'm ok. Are you ok?" I wrote,"Doing good, we ought to hang out at some point when you're ready. I'll leave that up to you since you said that maybe we were spending too much time together. If you're interested in doing something, I mean." He hasn't replied and he has been on the group chats we share. It has been a few hours. Not sure how to proceed now, especially since I feel as if I said the wrong thing and put him off.

Edited March 13, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

March 13, 2015

You've only been together 5 months, you spent 4 days together, and he says you're spending too much time together?

How old are you both?

I don't see this ending at all well.

March 13, 2015

Familiarity breed contempt. Some people wig out after spending a great deal of uninterrupted time together. I know I do.

You have now spent time apart & your BF seems to want to get passed it.

Just know that 4 days together may be your limit for now

March 13, 2015

You've only been together 5 months, you spent 4 days together, and he says you're spending too much time together?

How old are you both?

I don't see this ending at all well.

I'm 33, he's 38 and hugely introverted.

March 13, 2015

Too much time in a row. Almost anyone will get on your nerves spending that much time. Was this vacation or are you two not working or what? I can't take that much time with one person. There has to be times when they're gone for long stretches.

March 13, 2015

Too much time in a row. Almost anyone will get on your nerves spending that much time. Was this vacation or are you two not working or what? I can't take that much time with one person. There has to be times when they're gone for long stretches.

Then how are you ever going to live with a person?

I mean, I suppose the 2 of them weren't spending every second of those 4 days doing an activity together?

There's always a point at which one takes a long bath or shower, or I don't know, does grocery shopping etc. to create some me-time in the time they are together under 1 roof. Just as you do when you live together..

March 13, 2015

Too much time in a row. Almost anyone will get on your nerves spending that much time. Was this vacation or are you two not working or what? I can't take that much time with one person. There has to be times when they're gone for long stretches.

No vacation. Time together went like this:

Friday- (after work) dinner, movies, sleep over

Sat- breakfast, Netflix movie, hung out till 2pm

Sun night- He invited me to come over just to cuddle and sleep. No sex.

Mon-. Attended 9pm social event together, I slept over. Left at 8am the next morning.

I'm just not sure what to make of his lack of reply. I'm wondering if this is his way of telling me he's no longer interested but I'm not sure how to bring it up to know for sure.

March 13, 2015

I don't really follow the spending too much time together point others have made. I feel like something happened between the time he was repeating the joke you made to people and the door lock explosion. Can you fill in your story a little bit?

March 13, 2015

Then how are you ever going to live with a person?

I mean, I suppose the 2 of them weren't spending every second of those 4 days doing an activity together?
There's always a point at which one takes a long bath or shower, or I don't know, does grocery shopping etc. to create some me-time in the time they are together under 1 roof. Just as you do when you live together..

I could not live with someone who was home most of the time when I was. Everyone is different obviously, but sounds to me like they got what we used to call "cabin fever," too much consecutive time together. He needed space.

March 13, 2015

Then how are you ever going to live with a person?

I mean, I suppose the 2 of them weren't spending every second of those 4 days doing an activity together?
There's always a point at which one takes a long bath or shower, or I don't know, does grocery shopping etc. to create some me-time in the time they are together under 1 roof. Just as you do when you live together..

No. When the relationship is new you do all those things together or not at all so it's 24/7 with the other person. It's overwhelming & becomes too much.

You gradually work up to getting to know the person & being together but doing things independently which makes it easier to live together. Even then there is time apart, going to work, running errands etc.

I'm just not sure what to make of his lack of reply. I'm wondering if this is his way of telling me he's no longer interested but I'm not sure how to bring it up to know for sure.

You talk to him. Ask him if that much togetherness freaked him out.

March 16, 2015

I feel like something happened between the time he was repeating the joke you made to people and the door lock explosion. Can you fill in your story a little bit?

Nothing else happened except for grouchiness that started soon after he began walking me home. It was a 20 min walk to my place and around 12am through a lively, safe area. He brought up public transportation a few times but I told him I was in the mood to walk and that I was fine walking the rest of the way on my own. It was warm out. We were playing a GPS based phone game on the way, and he raised his voice to make a point when I didn't see something he was talking about. "It's __, I don't know how else to explain it to you." And later he said all grouchy "Are you going to add mods on these or are you not going to bother?" When almost there, he said,"Sure you don't want to get a taxi?" And I said,"We're almost there" and I inquired on his moodiness and that's when he said "maybe we're spending too much time together". As we approached my home, I offered to give him a ride to his place since my car was parked at mine. He said cheerfully,"Well why don't you spend the night since you'll be driving me anyway."

Update: On the 3rd day, I finally wrote to him,"Haven't heard from you in awhile, are you ok?" And he wrote,"Haven't heard from you too. I'm ok, are you ok?" I told him we ought to hang out soon, if he's interested, that I'll leave it up to him since he had mentioned that maybe we were hanging out too much." He didn't answer till 4 hours later when I ensured him I wasn't interested in a confrontatIon. He wrote that he wasn't worried about that, he just wanted to collect his thoughts because he can be "retarded about communicating his feelings and didn't want to subject me to his raw stupidity." We wound up hanging out friday night until late Sat afternoon. This is the 3rd time we didn't speak for 2-3 days because he needed space.It has happened about once a month. He has initiated contact again, but the last 2 times he waited for me to initiate. Then we picked up where we left off. I'm not sure what to make of that.

March 16, 2015

Nothing else happened except for grouchiness that started soon after he began walking me home. It was a 20 min walk to my place and around 12am through a lively, safe area. He brought up public transportation a few times but I told him I was in the mood to walk and that I was fine walking the rest of the way on my own. It was warm out. We were playing a GPS based phone game on the way, and he raised his voice to make a point when I didn't see something he was talking about. "It's __, I don't know how else to explain it to you." And later he said all grouchy "Are you going to add mods on these or are you not going to bother?" When almost there, he said,"Sure you don't want to get a taxi?" And I said,"We're almost there" and I inquired on his moodiness and that's when he said "maybe we're spending too much time together". As we approached my home, I offered to give him a ride to his place since my car was parked at mine. He said cheerfully,"Well why don't you spend the night since you'll be driving me anyway."
Update: On the 3rd day, I finally wrote to him,"Haven't heard from you in awhile, are you ok?" And he wrote,"Haven't heard from you too. I'm ok, are you ok?" I told him we ought to hang out soon, if he's interested, that I'll leave it up to him since he had mentioned that maybe we were hanging out too much." He didn't answer till 4 hours later when I ensured him I wasn't interested in a confrontatIon. He wrote that he wasn't worried about that, he just wanted to collect his thoughts because he can be "retarded about communicating his feelings and didn't want to subject me to his raw stupidity." We wound up hanging out friday night until late Sat afternoon. This is the 3rd time we didn't speak for 2-3 days because he needed space.It has happened about once a month. He has initiated contact again, but the last 2 times he waited for me to initiate. Then we picked up where we left off. I'm not sure what to make of that.

I don't know, OP - I saw your schedule and it doesn't sound like you were together 24/7 during those four days - you basically spent the evenings together as well as that Saturday morning. Now, for someone who likes a lot of space that might be too much, but you were hardly in each others' pockets, and since he kept inviting you over, I really don't think this should be on you.

That said - if the issue is truly that he needs more alone time, I guess the question for you is, are you willing to navigate around this? It sounds a bit annoying to me - I'd feel a bit set up, frankly, because he's inviting you over then getting grouchy because he wants to be alone. On the plus side, it also sounds like he's aware that it's a bit hypocritical. At least, that's how I'm interpreting his "raw stupidity" comment. Anyway, if the issue is that he needs to be alone more, then I guess you could take the option of saying no once in a while when he asks you over. The downside is that -- unless you want time alone yourself -- that's a bit of game-playing. Everyone has their own boundaries for that, but managing people who can't manage their own emotions well is a lot of work and usually not in the least worth it. You rarely get back what you put in.

But I wonder if that's really the issue. Why did he "wait for you to initiate" if he's the one that needed space? I'm worried that he's testing you in some way.

Eh, this sounds kind of exhausting. Mixed signals always are.

Edited March 16, 2015 by serial muse

March 16, 2015

This is the 3rd time we didn't speak for 2-3 days because he needed space.It has happened about once a month. He has initiated contact again, but the last 2 times he waited for me to initiate. Then we picked up where we left off. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Anyway, if the issue is that he needs to be alone more, then I guess you could take the option of saying no once in a while when he asks you over. The downside is that -- unless you want time alone yourself -- that's a bit of game-playing. Everyone has their own boundaries for that, but managing people who can't manage their own emotions well is a lot of work and usually not in the least worth it. You rarely get back what you put in.

But I wonder if that's really the issue. Why did he "wait for you to initiate" if he's the one that needed space? I'm worried that he's testing you in some way.

Eh, this sounds kind of exhausting. Mixed signals always are.

Ok, I'm not a mind reader but this is what I'm guessing... time is a secondary factor and the actual thing you're bumping up against is his capacity for intimacy and fear of engulfment. He'd prefer to keep relationship stuff at emotional arm's length where it's more comfortable, manageable where his soft core is not at risk of being revealed. He doesn't think this consciously... it surfaces as unexplained dissonance and irritation.

At the same time, as suggested by his grumpiness and muted aggression, he feels a little too confident that you're into him. So it's basically a feeling of insecurity underneath, masked by an air of overconfidence on the surface. The result is the old push-pull treatment. You reinforce this by allowing him to throw these little fits, not getting angry at him for it, and then waiting patiently for him to get real again and the second he does... you're right back, steady and reliable, as if nothing ever happened.

What to do? The short answer is enforce your boundaries and don't let him treat you like a doormat. In the long run you're going to have to decide if he can get this stuff resolved so that the relationship can progress, or if you just need to moved on. He needs to be a little less confident that you're going to take this and then obediently come running back the second his issue subsides.

Edited March 16, 2015 by salparadise

March 16, 2015

Ok, I'm not a mind reader but this is what I'm guessing... time is a secondary factor and the actual thing you're bumping up against is his capacity for intimacy and fear of engulfment. He'd prefer to keep relationship stuff at emotional arm's length where it's more comfortable, manageable where his soft core is not at risk of being revealed. He doesn't think this consciously... it surfaces as unexplained dissonance and irritation.

At the same time, as suggested by his grumpiness and muted aggression, he feels a little too confident that you're into him. So it's basically a feeling of insecurity underneath, masked by an air of overconfidence on the surface. The result is the old push-pull treatment. You reinforce this by allowing him to throw these little fits, not getting angry at him for it, and then waiting patiently for him to get real again and the second he does... you're right back, steady and reliable, as if nothing ever happened.

What to do? The short answer is enforce your boundaries and don't let him treat you like a doormat. In the long run you're going to have to decide if he can get this stuff resolved so that the relationship can progress, or if you just need to moved on. He needs to be a little less confident that you're going to take this and then obediently come running back the second his issue subsides.

Yep, this sounds right to me. When I was younger I definitely put up with this sort of thing and was that patient person. And maybe I'm just old and cranky now but it seems so tiresome.

Still. As sal says, OP, this is about your boundaries (and not mine ). Time to erect them and then enforce them. The current pattern isn't sustainable or healthy.

March 16, 2015

garfish99,

I am concerned about this

but during sex later, he covered my mouth

Sounds like the idea of rough sex turns him on. Covering your mouth as he pushes himself inside you, hearing your muffled screams... maybe this guy gets aroused by rape or some kind of forced aggression.

Please be careful here....

March 16, 2015

Yep, this sounds right to me. When I was younger I definitely put up with this sort of thing and was that patient person. And maybe I'm just old and cranky now but it seems so tiresome.

I dated a woman last year who had a similar pattern. She would push away by creating some drama immediately after a good week or two... just as I thought we were making progress. She couldn't tolerate feeling vulnerable, and an extended period of closeness/intimacy triggered the push.

She expected me to be the one to make the effort to smooth it over. She'd send a text about something trivial to signal that she was receptive to being woo'd again. Tiresome is a good word for it! She wasn't considerate of my feelings in the least- it was all about her. Yes, it was blowback from her pain and insecurities and I understood that. But at some point you just have to say, how I feel matters too.

When we're young and haven't experienced the patterns before it's confusing. You don't want to cut people loose because attachment is strong (not to mention hormones). But after a few times around the block, going to therapy, reading a stack of books and gaining confidence with regard to how we deserve to be treated, well, you finally internalize the realization that you can't be in the rescue business... people are who they are and even if their behavior is an expression of pain, if they aren't able to engage in a healthy relationship the only alternative is to move on and find someone who can.

March 17, 2015

Doesn't bode well. If this is too much, how are you ever going to live together and progress the relationship? I mean, yes people sometimes get irritable if they are introverted and spending days together at a time, but generally you don't make a huge fuss about it, tell the partner they've seen enough of them for now and then disengage for a few days. To me that's just a sign of basic incompatibility for whatever reason. Maybe he would be like this with any girl, maybe not. The point is, he's like it with you. I'd be so hurt after that comment.

March 18, 2015

I feel that his action of covering your mouth up during intimacy has something to do with this. What impelled him to do that? Were you talking at the time or was it something to do with his sexual desires?

I may be way out here but I wonder if he has some sexual impulses that he knows would be unacceptable to you and having you there tempts him far too much. He slipped up a bit by covering your mouth and realised his actions were not acceptable to you.

I don't know, that was quite striking for me and significant.

March 20, 2015

I feel that his action of covering your mouth up during intimacy has something to do with this. What impelled him to do that? Were you talking at the time or was it something to do with his sexual desires

He admitted he was disapointed that I wasn't into it. That it felt like I wasn't game or trusting. I told him he's right, I wasn't game and that I've always been claustaphobic about things being on my mouth. And that I wish he had talked to me first because he would have known that. He said,"Right, I guess it's one thing to discuss and another to try". I said," I like both. Trying things we both know we're ok with. Do you think that's reasonable?" He said,"I just wonder how to try new things and not always know what you're OK with unless there's an extensive list". And I reminded him that stopping my breathing is a major thing. It's a very advanced form of play. And he just said ok.

Maybe I'm overreacting but his reaction seems off to me.

March 20, 2015

I don't think you're overreacting. He sounds like a very difficult person on many levels; here he's telling you having any boundaries is a problem because he just wants to do what he wants without worrying about your reaction or feelings.

At least he's consistent. Bleh.

He sounds like a lot of work. I'm concerned that over time this kind of crap will eat away at your self esteem. Is it really worth it?

March 20, 2015

garfish99,
I am concerned about this

Sounds like the idea of rough sex turns him on. Covering your mouth as he pushes himself inside you, hearing your muffled screams... maybe this guy gets aroused by rape or some kind of forced aggression.

Please be careful here....

I agree. I find this creepy and it is the one thing that really stands out of your story.

For the rest he sounds like a difficult unpleasant man. I would cut my losses and end all contact. You are only 33, there are still a lot of men around who will be interested in you and who are NORMAL.

March 20, 2015

You guys are probably right. I had a long discussion with him. I told him "When you consider the countless things you can try during sex, aren't there bound to be things that don't work for me? " I told him that after the time he covered my mouth, he seemed almost angry and didn't talk to me for 3 days. That I was wondering if he had this expectation that I should be game for every single thing he tries.

He said he wasn't angry, he just didn't think it would bother me as much as it did.That it hasn't been his experience to get a reaction like that around that specific thing.I asked him, "You never had instances where a woman wasn't into something you tried? They liked every single thing you ever did?" He said it has been his experience that women are into him covering their mouth. So he didn't know how to take it when I reacted the way I did.

And he said it wasn't just that he also didn't think I was very receptive to anal either, that I seemed really hesitant. (The first time, which was a while ago, I thought went well. The 2nd time, which was shortly before the hand incident, I had a hard time relaxing. It was my 2nd time trying anal ever and he knows this.)

He said he just felt like he was trying stuff, and I wasn't responding well to it and it makes him self consious to try new things. I find this odd because he has tried hairpulling and other rough things and I gave him lots of positive feedback on those. I even pointed out to him that I have brought up tying eachother up before but he is yet to take his stuff put of storage. He said I just never seemed that interested.

He said he feels that I don't communicate my fantasies to him, in terms of trying new things, all that much, which I guess is true.. I hardly ever bring it up. He kept repeating that he's sorry for upsetting me. And I told him I'll try to communicate my fantasies more often. He even said later that he understands if I want to take a break, he knows that he can be very difficult to deal with.

I think you guys are right that I should just end this.

Edited March 20, 2015 by garfish99

March 22, 2015

What does being into kinky stuff have to do with him not being a good guy?

It's normal to like kink. I do. If you don't and he does, perhaps he's not the right guy for you.

People here saying him putting his hand on your mouth is weird don't get the kink world. It's completely normal to try things out. As I said, perhaps you are not compatible sexually and it's frustrating him (and you).

March 22, 2015

Are you into rough sex? If not, why should you be trying to please him in this respect? Play is one thing but you don't just spring it on people. It does sound as if you are enforcing your boundaries to an extent and he doesn't like what that means. He wants it rough. If that's not your scene, then maybe you need a different kind of guy.

March 22, 2015

I find that many women like rough sex if they trust you, and they love to be dominated.

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Boyfriend is acting weird and I'm not sure where to go from here.

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