I'm breaking up with my live-in boyfriend of almost 5 years

[konflict]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years now. Obviously when things started out it was great - that new relationship 'love' in the air, little annoyances don't bother you because you're too wrapped up in the moment/emotions to really care.

 

When we first met, I was 21 and he was 25. I was living with my parents working full time and he was living with his parents and not working. For the first 3-4 months that's how things were until he moved in with my parents for a job (his parents lived in a city 2 hours away). After living with my family for about 3 months I found out he had been cheating. With multiple people. I took him back and took his word that it wouldn't happen again,it was a lapse in Judgement, he's always been like that but now I'm a reason got him to change, blah blah blah.

 

After dating for about 9 months we got a place together. Almost exactly a year later, he cheated again. I took him back, again. I think this was because of my past relationships - I was usually told that I was not good enough and went through much mental (and sometimes physical) abuse.

 

Things have been rocky for almost all of our relationship. Trust is hard for me to establish, and the one thing that would always make me so angry is that after I found out (both times) about the cheating, he would only admit to the things I had proof of. If I asked questions his response every time was 'I don't remember'.

 

Last spring, he broke up with me and kicked me out the day before my birthday. A couple weeks later, he asked me to move back in. I did. Only to find out that he had started talking and exchanging 'adult' photos with his ex of 3 years before breaking up with me. He would never admit to anything (again, unless it was things I had concrete evidence for), but again I stayed.

 

Now it's been almost been a year since then. All of our computers / tablets are set to not save history. Whenever I changed it he would always change it back.

 

I can't sit here and say all of the relationship was bad, but much of it hasn't been good. I went through a lot of mental health issues and had to stop working and he has been completely unsupportive. Wouldn't go to doctors appointments with me (needed MRIs, EEGs, etc) and has always laughed at my diagnosis', pretty much telling me it's bull**** and I just need to stop being so emotional.

 

So right now I'm in panic mode. Because I'm still off work due to illness, I have an incredibly limited income. I also have a dog and a cat (both are mine) so staying with any family if out of the question unless I get rid of my pets - which, perhaps as selfish as it is, I just couldn't do. These guys are the reason I think I've been able to actually have some self worth in my life.

 

Is it bad to stay with someone for financial reasons? It would only be until I got back on my feet and could afford a place; I know if I told him this he would kick me out in a heart beat (I couldn't afford the place in my own AT ALL).

 

We hardly talk and the intimacy isn't there. I also find it difficult to be attracted to him based on much of the above things.

 

Anyone ever been in a similar situation? I feel guilty telling him but it's either I keep my secret till I get back on my feet or I get rid of my pets (which again, I truly don't think I could do).

 

Sorry this was so long but if you need any additional information let me know

Edited March 13, 2015 by konflict

[Ruby65]

Can you get a roommate to cover his share of the rent and expenses? I'd think living with a stranger would be better than living with him.

[d0nnivain]

I agree you need to have a plan. Get your head together & THINK. Where there is a will, there is a way.

 

 

Look around for a place that takes pets & get yourself a job ASAP.

 

 

Staying with him is not the answer but you don't have to move tomorrow if you have no where to go. Understand I'm giving you a little breathing room, like until the end of the month, not a few more years.

 

 

In a pinch are you sure your family won't accept the pets?

[konflict]

Can you get a roommate to cover his share of the rent and expenses? I'd think living with a stranger would be better than living with him.

 

There's a small chance of that being an option. Unfortunately as stubborn as he is, he'll want me to suffer and decide to keep the place for himself as he is making much more money and the lease is (stupidly on my part) in his name.

[konflict]

I agree you need to have a plan. Get your head together & THINK. Where there is a will, there is a way.

 

 

Look around for a place that takes pets & get yourself a job ASAP.

 

 

Staying with him is not the answer but you don't have to move tomorrow if you have no where to go. Understand I'm giving you a little breathing room, like until the end of the month, not a few more years.

 

 

In a pinch are you sure your family won't accept the pets?

 

I've been looking for a job now for a couple of weeks as I finally got the ok from my psychiatrist to go back to work (diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, bi polar tendencies and borderline personality disorder).

 

I've looked into every avenue in regards to living with family/friends and no matter how bad I tell them it is, there solution is to get rid of my pets.

 

Most of my family looks down on mental illness, and somewhat hint at the fact that I've made my bed so sleep in it (which is true but not something you want to always be reminded of).

 

As for friends, this relationship has dwindled my friends group into just a small handful of people, many of which are in no position for me to stay temporarily.

[Emma1234]

Get of out this as soon as possible. He sounds terrible. You'll find a way, first thing to do is to get a job and start saving, but if you can get out now then do that. Honestly I don't know how you're staying with him, being with him will never get better because he sounds selfish, uncaring and plain nasty.

[mightycpa]

diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, bi polar tendencies and borderline personality disorder

Given this, it is safe to say that all your relationship problems were not solely because of him.

 

I find it hard to accept that he owes you a roof over your head given that you want out of your relationship. Also, given that you truly have no other options for your animals, I'm finding it hard to accept that you get to deceive him simply because you want to keep your pets.

 

Every day you stay under these circumstances, you're stealing from him unless you've paid your rent through the end of the month. Move back in with your family, even if it means giving up your pets. Nobody said life was either fair or easy. Doing the right thing is almost always the most difficult of your options.

[konflict]

Given this, it is safe to say that all your relationship problems were not solely because of him.

 

I find it hard to accept that he owes you a roof over your head given that you want out of your relationship. Also, given that you truly have no other options for your animals, I'm finding it hard to accept that you get to deceive him simply because you want to keep your pets.

 

Every day you stay under these circumstances, you're stealing from him unless you've paid your rent through the end of the month. Move back in with your family, even if it means giving up your pets. Nobody said life was either fair or easy. Doing the right thing is almost always the most difficult of your options.

 

I never said it was all his fault. I didn't mention that I spent 2 years fully supporting him while he didn't work (and continued to cheat on me). Nor did I say I felt as though I deserved to deceive him by staying. I'm simply stating what's happening and looking for advice.

 

I do have a limited income and I am contributing my share of most things. If it absolutely came down to it, I would find a new home for my pets.

 

Also, for whatever reason, I feel like just up and leaving would totally screw him over financially and I don't really want to do that. I know it probably sounds absolutely ridiculous given the circumstances.

Edited March 13, 2015 by konflict

[mightycpa]

I never said it was all his fault.

I must have missed all that stuff where you said it was your fault too.

I didn't mention that I spent 2 years fully supporting him while he didn't work (and continued to cheat on me).

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they'll sure make you equal in everybody's eyes.

Nor did I say I felt as though I deserved to deceive him by staying.

I must have misunderstood this:

Is it bad to stay with someone for financial reasons? It would only be until I got back on my feet and could afford a place; I know if I told him this he would kick me out in a heart beat

Did I? Maybe. Let's keep moving:

I do have a limited income

As harsh as this must sound to your ears, that's not his problem, and it is the gist of both your question and my opinion on the subject. I get that, because you've been very clear about that.

and I am contributing my share of most things.

Does that include rent? If so, I think you're golden. If that means cable or water or electric or food, then chances are you're not paying ahead. You're paying for what you've used already.

If it absolutely came down to it, I would find a new home for my pets.

Problem solved!

Also, for whatever reason, I feel like just up and leaving would totally screw him over financially

That's really not your problem

and I don't really want to do that. I know it probably sounds absolutely ridiculous given the circumstances.

Not really. If that's the case, you should ask him.

I know if I told him this he would kick me out in a heart beat

oh, right. forgot about that. Ok, well, you know where I stand. Take it or leave it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do the most loving thing for yourself and your pets, and find them a caring home to go to. Then get yourself away from this man, forever. Stay with family and get back to work.

 

I understand that giving away your pets is hard, as I've had to do it once too. But in these circumstances, I can't see another option that lends itself to you moving on and re-building your life in a healthy way.

[Karin2rinkashi]

You should leave after to much cheating and "fishy" behavior. As long as it is financially viable for you. If not then why not wait out a little longer. If it is better for you to do so...