mongoose2236 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I want to know what you everyone considers love to be like. As I don't feel like I've ever truly been in love. I've always been fiercely independent my love pretty much consists of i'd rather have you around than not. I'm not the most affectionate person in the world. I just want to know what is considered love. Do we base too much on what you see in movies or read in books. Do you get butterflys? Actually truly miss them when there gone? Can't keep your hands off them?
truncated Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I want to know what you everyone considers love to be like. As I don't feel like I've ever truly been in love. I've always been fiercely independent my love pretty much consists of i'd rather have you around than not. I'm not the most affectionate person in the world. I just want to know what is considered love. Do we base too much on what you see in movies or read in books. Do you get butterflys? Actually truly miss them when there gone? Can't keep your hands off them? I can only answer for myself, and I suspect the answer might be very different, as each person will have the own definition based on their life's experiences. My husband has a career where he has to be away a lot, and yes, I do miss him when he is gone. We've been married for around 18 years now, and been through some really rough patches, not so much in our relationship, but in our life in general. We've stayed together through all of that, and still make eachother happy. There is a line in a song ( Time in A Bottle) that goes I've looked around enough to know that you're the one i wnat to go through time with" and that describes it pretty well. As for butterflies, no, i don't feel those, that part of me is gone and won't come back. I'm okay with that, and am happy in my relationship.
Justanaverageguy Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Good question - My opinion is I think some people honestly believe in the "True love" and soul mates propaganda put out by Hollywood movies and fairly tales. They have been lead to believe that if it is real love you will feel this overwhelming and overpowering immense emotional feeling that will last forever. That emotion is actually called infatuation or sometimes the "honey moon" period. I've experienced it with each of my serious long term relationships - but it does not last. At least not the same level of emotions you feel in the first year or so of a new relationship. I think its critical that people do feel this to build the strong intimacy and attachment bonds for a long term relationship - but over time it slowly evolves into something different. A shared bond, an understanding, a friendship and a deep intimate connection. You should feel like you are a team. You and your partner against the world. That you have their back and they have yours. And yes you should also feel strongly attracted to your partner sexually .... if you want it to last you need that as much as the other components. But those crazy butterfly emotions and being unable to keep your hands off your partner which you feel almost constantly in the first year or so ..... sadly no matter who you are or how much you love your partner they do diminish over time. They should never completely disappear - your partner should still be able to do something that makes your heart skip a beat, you should still find them attractive - but those emotions move to a more mellow background feeling over time. I think unfortunately these days many people are stuck chasing that new relationship feeling. When the attraction for partners start to fade .... they find themselves chasing the surge of attraction and infatuation you get at first with other partners. They think if it is "real love" it will last forever when it doesn't they move onto the next one. By our nature humans love variety we always want something different. Its a challenge to maintain intimacy, attraction and keep yourself new, interesting to your partner whilst growing together over a long period of time. That is the real challenge to LTRs - keeping the spark alive whilst dealing with the challenges of life 3
d0nnivain Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 To me it's a deep seated sense of calm, peace, strength & stability. The dizzying whirlwind is lust, sex & chemicals. They are all deliriously wonderful but not love. Love is the person holds you when you cry, comforts you when you hate the whole world, laughs at your jokes, makes you smile just by being, is just there. . . on the couch, in the next room, is reliable & steadfast. Last night DH accidently woke me up when he got into bed. He's usually more stealthy. I didn't wake all the way up but enough to know he was there. He snuggled over to me, slid his hand under mine, not really holding hands but just connected. As I drifted back to sleep I remember thinking how loved & cherished I felt. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 To me it's a deep seated sense of calm, peace, strength & stability. The dizzying whirlwind is lust, sex & chemicals. They are all deliriously wonderful but not love. Love is the person holds you when you cry, comforts you when you hate the whole world, laughs at your jokes, makes you smile just by being, is just there. . . on the couch, in the next room, is reliable & steadfast. Last night DH accidently woke me up when he got into bed. He's usually more stealthy. I didn't wake all the way up but enough to know he was there. He snuggled over to me, slid his hand under mine, not really holding hands but just connected. As I drifted back to sleep I remember thinking how loved & cherished I felt. I agree with this but "The dizzying whirlwind is lust, sex & chemicals" should be there at the start even though it fades away later. Many people rationalize that you don't need the lust part because that goes away anyway. I completely disagree. 5
d0nnivain Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I agree with this but "The dizzying whirlwind is lust, sex & chemicals" should be there at the start even though it fades away later. Many people rationalize that you don't need the lust part because that goes away anyway. I completely disagree. Without that spark, there is no fire to light. And while the dizzying is no longer the constant, it's still there every so often. I'll catch a glimpse of my husband some times & wow! it's there all over again.
thefooloftheyear Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Love is the way your dog is faithfully by your side, no matter what the conditions are... Same is true for most of us that have had kids as well...Or the undying love I have for my dear mother.... Most people confuse horniness with love....They arent the same...Not even close.. TFY 2
autumnnight Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 OK first I apologize for sharing that when I read the thread title I thought of Dolly Parton's old song "Love Is Like a Butterfly." At the beginning, we feel sparks, chills, thrill, and a "high" just thinking about the person. That is not love, but it can propel us to get to know someone well enough to love them. Love is commitment. It is action. It is consistency. Yes, it is also affection and intimacy and companionship. Love is trust and being safe and keeping the other safe. Love is what keeps you from being selfish and throwing in the towel when there are crappy days and the chills and "high" aren't there.
Justanaverageguy Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Love is the way your dog is faithfully by your side, no matter what the conditions are... Same is true for most of us that have had kids as well...Or the undying love I have for my dear mother.... Most people confuse horniness with love....They arent the same...Not even close.. TFY Disagree .... love should not be without conditions. Love me no matter what ??? Really ? Even if I disrespect you, even if we fight constantly and are bad for each other. No way .... unconditional love is reservered for children only and even then it has its limits. Romantic love is different and it requires attraction and horniness to work otherwise you just have a family member or a brother sister type relationship. Romantic love is attachment + attraction. You require both.
thefooloftheyear Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Disagree .... love should not be without conditions. Love me no matter what ??? Really ? Even if I disrespect you, even if we fight constantly and are bad for each other. No way .... unconditional love is reservered for children only and even then it has its limits. Romantic love is different and it requires attraction and horniness to work otherwise you just have a family member or a brother sister type relationship. Romantic love is attachment + attraction. You require both. Disagree all you want.. I am a father....so yes, I love my child unconditionally as well as my mother..There is no scenario where I could envision that disappearing...Maybe I just have a thicker skin than you do.I dunno....I wont abandon my mother or child because I somehow feel "disrespected"...And unlike strangers that you are horny for at some point in your life and enter into relationships with, I have never "fought constantly" with the members of my family that I love and care for ... Divorce/breakup stats prove out that truly authentic and undying romantic love is very rare, and the type of stuff that is uncommon...certainly exponentially rarer than the love of a parent to a child,,, Not knocking it...Im just fortunate to know what I believe to be truly unconditional love ...I truly feel sorry for those souls who have no family connections and put all faith in filling that void with total strangers....Its a game of very small odds.. TFY 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 When a lot of people describe "love", it sounds more like owning a dog/close companion more than anything else. People, especially women that I've noticed tend to always make excuses or give justifications why something is good or works for them, I don't notice that kind of self-manipulation/denial/damage-control with men so much. Women seem more resigned to accepting their relationship for whatever it is, regardless of the true or objective analysis...so when you ask a woman about her relationship...in her mind it's already adjusted to the circumstances she is in..according to the type of man she is...it has to be. If there's no love....she will create it on her own for the both of them If there's no affection...she will long for It but manifest it through some other way, justifying its absence If there's no expression...she will interpret it by her own means, she will create the avenues of expression for a man (he does this or that because he loves me)...everything that man does, even unknowingly, she chalks it up like she's keeping score...even if it's just the same behaviour being repeated and nothing more. What a woman has, is what she believes to be love. It doesn't have to be right, true or actually present...she just has to accept It in her mind. You'll see a lot of women speak on behalf of their partner or relationship...ex; he thinks this or that, WE share this together, he feels this way because he did or said this and she'll talk about him all the time and channel everything through him and for him. Even if she's given up/not invested she's still attached and it doesn't mean the woman wants to walk away from the relationship, especially marriage...women see things as level of commitments instead of love, so even if a guy doesn't provide love if he provides something else that she needs the relationship is still worth something to her...it still has a value. So what is important for you to know is as a man, it's not so important what you think, feel, believe is love...it's what the woman thinks is love, just like sex, she's the gatekeeper to the heart...she decides what goes in and out, what's love to her or not, she decides whether you've got enough of what she needs/wants to make it forever....you're just kind of there. What you think, believe or feel is your own problem and it doesn't make that much difference to a woman, it's mostly irrelevant and she'll make the adjustment s and tweaks for you or accept things on her own...in the end she's going to try to do or believe what she wants anyway, it doesn't necessarily have much to do with the guy, for women it's more about what THEY need. That's what makes it work....or not. Once she is done with you...that's when there is no longer "love" to her....and then the cycle starts with another man and it gets tweaked and justified according to his attributes and qualities...if a woman "loves" you, she will always find a way, if she doesn't....Well, you may not be around very long, depends what her options are and her state of mind. But it's all dependent on women.
autumnnight Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 (edited) When a lot of people describe "love", it sounds more like owning a dog/close companion more than anything else.<snip> It must be sad to live in such a jaded and powerless manner. Edited March 13, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redacted full quote
dichotomy Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 “Love is the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's growth... Love is as love does. Love is an act of will -- namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.” ― M. Scott Peck Above quote was slightly edited. I also think it is important (at least for LTR or marriage) to have the intital butterflies or basic physical/sexual attraction and compatibility - too many have compromised on this and struggle later. True love comes when you honestly and deeply know someone and love them for who they are at their core.
Shepp Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Love is the way your dog is faithfully by your side, no matter what the conditions are... ^ So true! Love for me is unconditional...You can be into someone you like but that's conditional. Love is being ridiculously, completely, into someone even when their annoying the hell out of you! It's easy to love my missis when she's holding court, spontaneous, charismatic and beautiful. But I love her just as, care about her just as much, want to be around her just as much when she's moody & stomping around at 8.35 in the morning Its cliché but I think it really is when I'd actually rather be with her stuck in traffic than with the boys having a wicked time on the track.
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