j84zy Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Hi Here is my story. I began dating a guy 4 months ago at first everything was going great he wined me, dined me and always told me how much he liked me he took me to meet his family and it was going great. As time went on and we became closer I started to feel insecure due to my past relationships and being cheated on. I noticed he was always on facebook liking hot girls pics ect. When I confronted him about it he said they were only friends. I asked if he could stop doing it. He did for about a week and started doing it again. It really upset me so I started constantly txting him everyday and was acting so insecure. I said to him I think we should end things due to him not respecting me. So I broke it off for a week. I eventually contacted him and apologised as I thought I was being too harsh. We got back together and one night when he was drunk and passed out I looked at his phone and facebook msgs. I noticed he was msging alot of girls privately on there. I looked at one msg and it was him arranging to meet up with a girl for sex. I woke him up and asked him if he had slept with her. He said no and told me to leave. Then he said to me we were broken up. Anyway I gave it a few days and I sorted things out again as I broke up with him. We continued on dating but I was still feeling insecure and constantly interigating him. He called things off with me but couldnt actually say he didnt want to be with me. He called when he was drunk saying he missed me and that we should talk. I blew up at him and said no. I then felt bad and apologised. We met up the next day and had lunch we didnt say much. After I left to go home he txt me and said he wished he could have hugged me. I said to him thats not fair to say that as he dosnt want to be with me. I told him im going to see a psychologist to get help for my insecuities and that if wanted to be in my life I need him to support me in that. He simply responded with ok. After a few days of not hearing from him I sent him a txt saying I wished him all the best and I think its a good idea if we both go our seperate ways. Everytime I would get insecure he would call me crazy ect. So I realized how toxic this relationship was. That same morning that I said goodbye to him I realized I was late for my period. I did a pregnancy test and it was positive. I rang to let him know and he said he would talk to me about it after work. I had already decided that I wasnt going to keep the baby as I was busy looking after my father who is terminally ill and I wasnt in a stable financial situation or relationship. When I called to see where I was meeting him after work. He got really angry saying there is nothing to talk about and that he would pay for the abortion ect. So the next day I txt him and asked if he could drop the money around and leave it in my letterbox. He said he would do it the following day. So the next day came and I checked the letterbox and there was no money. I went around to his place and knocked on the Door but he didn't answer there was another females car there. I sent him a txt telling him that I was going to speak to his parents about it as I didnt think he was going to support me. I didnt want to tell my dad either because he is ill. He then txt me telling me im crazy and to deal with it by myself. He said he would call the police on me if I went to his house again and that his parents think im crazy too. So I went home and told my dad what was going on. I didn't speak to him after that and he didnt get in contact with me either. I txt him last week asking if he could help with the costs and got no answer. So I went and got the abortion on wednesday. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I sent him pictures of scans yesterday and txt him the doctors letter so he knew I went through with it. He still didnt say anything to me. I woke up this morning so hurt and txt him to ask why he is ignoring me. He responded that I am crazy and that I needed to deal with it by myself. He told me to stop txting him and to move on because he has. I am so hurt and confused. Why is he treating me like this. How could he move on so quickly. Can someone please tell me why he is acting this way.
Author j84zy Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 I would also like to add that only a few days befor he broke it off with me we were doing good. Ever since we started dating he txt me everyday, he was so affectionate and sweet, he would take me nice places and buy me flowers and listen to me when I was worried about my dad. He always told me how beautiful I am ect. Today he kept calling me a crazy stupid bitch and I need help ect. Im so confused and hurt. He dosnt care about me at all now. I still miss him and just want a hug from him at the moment. Iv really needed his support these past few days. Do u think he will return to me once he realises what he has done? He has never been like this befor.
JS84 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Honestly you just need to stop contacting the guy. He's a loser and has shown his true colors to you more than once. I'm not sure why you keep reaching out to him. He obviously doesn't care about you and couldn't care less about your situation (abortion/ill father). You also might want to see a therapist to get a grasp on why you'd want to be with such a emotionally abusive and manipulative individual. 8
Author j84zy Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 Yes you are right I am seeing a therapist. I dont want to be with him and i value myself more then that to ever want to be with someone like him. I just dont understand why he is being so cold and horrible to me now. When it was his doing aswell
SawtoothMars Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I would also like to add that only a few days befor he broke it off with me we were doing good. Ever since we started dating he txt me everyday, he was so affectionate and sweet, he would take me nice places and buy me flowers and listen to me when I was worried about my dad. He always told me how beautiful I am ect. Today he kept calling me a crazy stupid bitch and I need help ect. Im so confused and hurt. He dosnt care about me at all now. I still miss him and just want a hug from him at the moment. Iv really needed his support these past few days. Do u think he will return to me once he realises what he has done? He has never been like this befor. Um... You want to know why? Let me quote the great philosopher Taylor Swift "Cause the players gonna play, play, play". Don't chase this guy... it is a waste of your time. How about you save all your time and tears for someone who actually cares about you! 3
HereNorThere Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 So you had unprotected sex with a guy you knew was cheating on you, asked him to give you money for an abortion, and now you're asking what's wrong with him? No honey, what's wrong with you? You're having sexual relations without birth control? Do we need to explain to you where babies come from? You need to get contraceptives as soon as possible and get yourself into intensive therapy. Forget this loser and start working on yourself. If you don't, you'll just end having another unwanted pregnancy by the next schmuck. It has nothing to with this guy and everything to do with why you are allowing these people into your life. Quit trying to love him and love yourself. You can't fix this, but you can make sure you make healthier decisions in the future. 3
Author j84zy Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 To the last comment. I was using protection called a nuva ring. It obviously didnt work. I had no intention of falling pregnant. I have started seeing a therapist and I am aware that I allowed this into my life. 2
Author j84zy Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 I have no spoken to him in almost 2 weeks. Afted going through the trauma of an abortion I thought I would try to reach out to see if he could at least help with the costs. I value myself more then to continue to be treated like this. I was vulnerable and had a weak moment today. I am not trying to play the victim in this as it takes 2 people to tango. Im just hurting and unsure why someone would do this. I couldn't do it to anyone. Do u think he feels guilt? I want to put this past me and move on now I guess im just seeking answers to validate his actions.
Raena Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I think the point some others have tried to get across to you is that you should stop worrying about what HE thinks or why he's doing what he's doing and focus on you. He's obviously not the right guy for you or he wouldn't have been seeing other people while seeing you and you wouldn't have dumped him over and over again and then wondered why he doesn't want to see or speak to you. It's a pretty normal reaction to someone you've only known a few months being so wishy washy about being in a relationship. You kept dumping him because part of you knew that it wasn't the right place for you to be. I'm sorry you had to go through this... your father being sick and the unwanted pregnancy in addition to the insecurities you felt being with him. When you are ready, you'll find a man who accepts you for who you are, but in the meantime, you should work on being happy with who you are and knowing when to walk away and stay away. First rule of thumb.. don't dump a man and then expect him to take you back over and over and over. A decent man who is looking for a healthy relationship would just stay away from you if that's the case. 4
Author j84zy Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 Thankyou and I appreciate your response. I only dumped him once. When he dumped me I decided I couldn't continue contact with him until I found out I was pregnant. The thing is today is the only real day iv tried to seek answers and opinions about his actions. Im looking forward to getting my head space and happiness back. As I have never dealt with anything as cold as this befor. Thanks for all of ur responses
BetrayedH Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Thankyou and I appreciate your response. I only dumped him once. When he dumped me I decided I couldn't continue contact with him until I found out I was pregnant. The thing is today is the only real day iv tried to seek answers and opinions about his actions. Im looking forward to getting my head space and happiness back. As I have never dealt with anything as cold as this befor. Thanks for all of ur responses Your reaction and wanting to understand and "have closure" is normal. Here's the reality: he was shi*ty to you and you're not going to understand it. He shouldn't have done what he did and he can't justify it to you. There isn't a logical or rational explanation to be had, which is why he's not giving you one. It obviously is just as much his responsibility for this pregnancy as yours but he ran. It was wrong. Instead of admitting it and owning it, he blameshifts it onto you. Here's the operative phrase for many of us around here when it happens: closure comes from within. You'll have to accept that some people just aren't emotionally mature. He's one of them. Take it as one of life's harsh lessons. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. You tried to take a balanced approach, allowing for the possibility that he was legit and that you were paranoid and insecure. I think the reality was that he was playing the field and a real jerk at the end of the day. In the future, you might want to consider trusting your gut a bit more. The "liking" hot chicks on FB and hooking up so quickly when he'd been dumped for it was probably a red flag you should have heeded. Tough lesson learned. Don't take it out on the next guy but keep your radar up for this kind of behavior. 3
Author j84zy Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 Hi BH Thankyou so much for your reply. You definitely gave me some comfort with your wise words. I know I just need to move on now and put this behind me. It has been a very big wake up call about trusting my gut and valuing myself enough to know when to walk away. Im looking forward to learning new ways to deal with my insecuities and to be a warrior and not a victim. Thankyou for sharing your light with me. 1
autumnnight Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 First, I hope you are taking care of yourself physically. Abortion is surgery. Please rest and be careful. This guy has issues. You probably had issues as well. Regardless of who used what protection, two people had sex, and he chose to allow you to go through what has been statistically proven to be a traumatic experience alone, while he boinked some other girl. This say much about his lack of character. Period. Let your counselor help you, and try to put him in the past. Treasure the time with your father, be with supportive friends, and heal. 4
Raena Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Thankyou and I appreciate your response. I only dumped him once. When he dumped me I decided I couldn't continue contact with him until I found out I was pregnant. The thing is today is the only real day iv tried to seek answers and opinions about his actions. Im looking forward to getting my head space and happiness back. As I have never dealt with anything as cold as this befor. Thanks for all of ur responses I apologize, this morning when I read your thread it seemed like you told him it wasn't working, then apologized and got back together several times. Looking back now I see it was only the once and then he did and then you had to have contact with him regarding the pregnancy. He has no right to call you crazy for your behavior.. insecure... maybe... but in this case, he gave you good reason to be insecure so there's that too. Keep working on you and eventually you'll find someone right for you. That's what I keep telling myself too. Lots of "losers" out there and you have to keep your eye open for poor behavior like his. It won't do you any good to get involved with yet another man who won't respect you right? So, you did the right thing by walking away from him. 2
Mal78 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 He is being very clear how it is and how he wants it, listen. Let him be someone else's problem, you need to work on YOU. There is nothing left to mend with the mess of a man you were with. Start looking for what you can be grateful in this conclusion. Although it might be hard there is tons you can be grateful for in all this. Best of luck.
Author j84zy Posted March 15, 2015 Author Posted March 15, 2015 So he contacted me twice yesterday and said that we needed to talk. I responded to him today in a txt and said there is nothing to talk about I have paid for it and its over and done with and I am free now. I dont have him putting me down and calling me horrible names. He told me to move on so I have and I asked him to never contact me again and to have a good life with his new girlfriend. Im proud of the way I have handled this and im feeling stronger now then what I have in the past few weeks. Thankyou to everyone for helping me through this hard time. Your wise and kind words have helped me immensely. Xx 4
spiderowl Posted March 15, 2015 Posted March 15, 2015 I am really sorry to hear of your situation and your father's health. It sounds very stressful indeed. It sounds like you and the guy had broken up before the pregnancy and that regardless of some of the nice things he said, he wasn't really acting like he wanted to get back together. He doesn't sound very responsible and he is not mature enough to know how to care for a woman. I don't think you'll get an answer as to why he behaved like he did. I know you feel the need to each out to him to try to understand why this has all fallen apart but you are wasting your time and mental energy. He is not interested in rekindling anything, for whatever reason, and you deserve someone better. Showing him scans is designed to make him feel guilty - why did you want to do that? It's not going to get a positive response however you portray it. No-one appreciates being made to feel guilty. Forget this guy and make the best use of therapy to help you see why he wasn't the right guy for you. Allow yourself to grieve for the loss of a relationship and all that could have been and then move on to something better.
Author j84zy Posted March 16, 2015 Author Posted March 16, 2015 Hi spiderowl Thankyou for your honest reply. To be honest yes I was probably laying the guilt trip on him and mabey its worked as he has been somewhat remorseful and has offerd to pay for the costs. It was very immature of me to do that but my head was not in the right space to see it for what it was. Although he is remorseful I would not even consider opening that door again as he has showed his true colours well and truly. I feel I have closure now from this awful situation. I am looking forward to healing and working on myself and my issues so I dont make the same mistakes again in the future. Thankyou for your kind words and honest response. This has been a very big learning curve and my main focus now is growing from this and spending precious time with my dad.
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