jeepr941 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 Hello i am in a relationship with a girl, we are both 31 and have been together for about 8 months. Here are some pros and cons: Pros: Introverted like me cute and adorable and innocent. Good Girl Have a great time with her when alone I get smitten by her (is this love?) She has a good job Cons: Unsocial - Like she ignores people, people think she is rude (big problem for me) She has a lot of allergy problems always sick Whines a lot when not feeling 100% hand disease where they get cold/sweaty She can't make decisions She doesn't like movies Irrational fears weird taste in music We had a serious talk about this and i told her i thought about breaking up with her, she told me that she loves me and it kills me because i couldn't say it back. She said some very nice things to me that no one has ever told me (i don't feel she was just saying them to keep me in relationship). I REALLY want this to work but she has issues that are unacceptable. She says she will work on them but i can't imagine she can change all this but maybe she can?? I want to make this work because i feel bad for her, i don't want to be lonely and i have a small part of me that thinks it could work in the long run (based on the fact that i always have a good time with her when we are alone) but honestly deep down i think i could do better and find someone with more personality and someone i have a better connection with. She is very much like a child where i have to take care of her a lot of time even though it appears like i like being the hero or something (but i think it could get old). Should I break up or see how it goes? Also is being smitten being in love? Also FYI i have lot going on in life selling and buying a home as well as sold a car, making lots of big decisions.
preraph Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 It would take years of wanting to change and therapy to change. Some of her irrational fears could be worked on and maybe quickly by a behavior therapist. Her being unsocial is probably always going to be that way. She's 31 and hasn't seen fit to at least fake being interested in people in her life, she's probably not going to start now. I consider it very selfish. I was pretty not social in high school after a lot of bullying in middle school, but once I got out on my own, I began working on it and finding my niche to blossom in. You have to want to. I wouldn't live my life with someone who was basically negative about all other people. I understand if they only have a trusted few friends, but it would get old being around someone who was bah-humbug about life in general.
mammasita Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 You want to make it work because you feel bad for her is a great reason to NOT be with her. Let the girl go. You're trying to talk yourself into being with someone you only feel so/so about. You're not going to wake up one day and suddenly be head over heels. Either you are or you aren't and you obviously aren't or her little flaws wouldn't bother you. 2
Author jeepr941 Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 Thanks for input. It does appear i should break up. I wonder though, when i am with her i find her very cute and i am in AWE i think she is very cute and adorable. I just want to hug and kiss her. Is this all physical maybe? I don't want to ignore this if it is love?? I just don't know what love is and am a very analytical person so fear i maybe too picky about people, though it is obvious she does have some large issues around socializing. Thanks!
salparadise Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 She is very much like a child where i have to take care of her a lot of time even though it appears like i like being the hero or something (but i think it could get old). I think these ^^^ are the most revealing words in your post. Perhaps that dynamic can work for some people, but would you knowingly sign up for that? Emotionally healthy people [usually] look for someone who is their equal. We take care of our children and pets––mates should be partners and take care of each other. A parent/child dynamic is probably not sustainable. People go to therapy to try and fix these kinds of problems. If you're on the fence already... you gotta do what's right you you, which probably does not mean becoming a caretaker.
Author jeepr941 Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 (edited) I broke up with her. Of coarse after I do this all I see is positives and feel like it was a hasty decision. The negatives I mention above are small thing and I actually like her qwerks that make her akward in public(I like them when we are one on one no in public ). I should say I do feel sorry for her a bit but that is not why I stayed with her. She was dealt some bad cards and I really want to make sure she was happy in life. this was the closes I have been with anyone and feel completely terrible, we had just come back from a long vacation too. She and suggested a break but I didn't think that was good because the things that bother me would just continue to. I think I maybe too picky and choosey and expectations too high. Should I consider reconnecting in a week? I am compiling a list of things that bothered me and try to decide of I can accept all these and continue in relationship. Edited March 13, 2015 by jeepr941
SerCay Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 OP, Just from another angle....is it possible you have intimacy issues? You look at your relationship very business-like.. When you feel for someone, their quirks aren't going to bother you, you're going to want to deal with them together is they're really bad, and you're going to want to accept them if they're simple little quirks..you seem to want a perfect person. This is why I thought I should ask you if it might be possible... 1
salparadise Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 I should say I do feel sorry for her a bit but that is not why I stayed with her. She was dealt some bad cards and I really want to make sure she was happy in life. this was the closes I have been with anyone and feel completely terrible... I think you need to get a handle on the rescuer-caretaker tendency you seem to have. If you're in love AND want to take care of her it one thing, but if you're confusing dependency or a need to be needed with love it's another. Do you have anyone you can talk to? Sometimes you gotta skip the details and just think, "is this the person I want to spend the rest of my years with?" If you're having trouble separating these things then the standard recommendations applies... therapy.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted March 13, 2015 Posted March 13, 2015 You need to break up with her. The fact that you already told her you're considering it, was the first nail in the coffin. If you don't love her, don't torture the poor girl. 1
Nikki Sahagin Posted March 14, 2015 Posted March 14, 2015 Honestly I don't think any of her cons are deal breakers. But it's up to you really. If you love her, you'll probably see they aren't so bad. But if you don't love her, they'll be more of an issue for you.
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