nomoreofthat Posted April 9, 2005 Posted April 9, 2005 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t60034/ there is a link to my initial story. if you dont want to read that, basically i was dating this guy for a month and a half. one morning i leave his house after spending the night and everything is fine and dandy, then the very next night he tells me he wants to break up, saying that he couldnt figure out what we were, didnt see it going anywhere, didnt know what he wanted. well one thing i left out, because i didnt think it was important, was he said something about how he doesnt know how to balance going out and dating someone. he said that when hes out and drinking he tends to flirt with girls and cant really figure out the boundaries because hes thinking "im not sure whether we're together or not" those were his words. i didnt think much of that because i could care less about him being flirty when hes drunk. so last night im talking to one of my guy friends about him dumping me and he said "oh you mean the night he made out with so-and-so". the person he named was one of his (guy i was dating) best friends. they hung out all the time and i didnt think anything of it. it turns out they were seen kissing the night before he broke up with me. interesting. now i feel like total crap. he said that they were both very drunk. i asked if they were dating now, and he said he really didnt think so, and honestly i dont think they are either. but what the efffff?! i know how he gets when hes drunk and i know how she gets when shes drunk. but its still wrong right? i know that he and i werent like set in stone or anything, and we never had a conversation that was like "we're exclusive now" but i think it was understood that we were dating, and i know his friend (the girl) certainly knew that too. now i feel like this is the reason he broke up with me. when i think of it all from his perspective it makes sense. im sure he felt total guilt about it and he knew that if he told me that, id be upset, and not only that, but if i stayed with him, i would never be comfortable with him and her being friends and hanging out, and things would be totally weird. maybe he really was feeling all those other things he told me before, but i feel like he was using all the stuff more to justify that what he did wasnt so wrong. especially saying all the stuff about how he didnt know what we were or if we were together. if that was the case, why wouldnt he have just had a conversation with me about that, if that was bothering him? i knew when i was talking to him that something felt weird, i felt like there was something else on his mind that he wouldnt say. i think its reasonable to believe that he broke up with the night after that because of the guilt and stuff right? was it more honorable of him to break up with me the way he did? however, he did not tell me about them kissing. im sure he knew that someone saw them and it would have gotten back to me eventually so he needed to break up with me ASAP. i dont know how to feel about all of this. im so disappointed in him, i hate that feeling where your opinion for someone changes. how do i forgive this as far as being friendly with him? im pretty sure it was a drunken mistake, i feel pretty confident that there is nothing between them, just cause i know how they are. i dont want to have animosity towards him, but would it be ridiculous of me not to? do you think if im ever in a situation with him where we're talking, its fair to let him know that i know? i feel like i should only give him forgiveness if he sincerely asks for it. please help. i feel so confused.
helena abadi Posted April 10, 2005 Posted April 10, 2005 he has railroaded you. will you continue to let him? sometimes it's too easy to forgive, and in doing so, make excuses for bad behaviour. a relationship will never succeed if you deny your concerns, and make them second best. he sounds v confused. drunken acts are NO excuse. setting boundaries for yourself is all good. were you afraid to ask if you were dating exclusively? were you afraid it sounded pushy, or were you afraid to hear he might say No? don't apologize for your animosity. you are standing up for yourself. if you weren't angry, that would be real doormat behaviour.
Author nomoreofthat Posted April 11, 2005 Author Posted April 11, 2005 i agree with you. i do tend to make excuses for people's bad behavior. i want to think that some people are a lot better than they actually are, so when they do something that disappoints me or goes against what id like to think about them, i make excuses. i didnt have that conversation because i dont feel its necessary. i like to go with the flow. i dont think you should have to have that conversation. you just know when you are official, pretty much. i wasnt trying to rush anything. i didnt really have the concerns that he was said he was having. plus i thought it was way too soon to be so concerned with titles. but to me, yes we were dating. im certainly not the type to date around, and as far as i knew about him, he wasnt either. however, i didnt know how he felt about being in a relationship right now. i think all of this is beside the point, even if it was maybe in his mind. i think that he made this drunken mistake and felt like a jerk, knows im a sweet girl who doesnt deserve that stuff, and felt like the best thing to do was dump me, instead of possibly hurting me further. i dont really know for sure. for the record, this wasnt like a thing where i was bugging him, trying to be with him and he all had a wandering eye. he pursued me initially, and was always made efforts to spend time with me, and get closer to me. he pretty much treated me like a girlfriend. he's a big time girlfriend type of guy. has had many serious girlfriends. what sucks is that i see him and his friends out constantly. this happened a week and a few days ago and ive already had to avoid him two times. i see the girl constantly too. we used to be friendly. now i dont know how im supposed to act or anything. i never have this kind of drama in my life. i feel like ignoring them is immature, but then i dont know how to act otherwise. any advice?
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